Drowning Erin

by Elizabeth O'Roark

We watch her walk down the stairs, clad only in running shorts and a singlet, though it can’t be 40 degrees outside. She’s shivering, but I suspect it’s more from nerves than cold.

  She tries to cross the room, appearing to see only Will, just as he appears to see only her, but every member of the crew stops her to insist she’s going to win—which is nothing she wants to hear right now because she’s busy assuring herself she will lose. There’s no one alive who can psych herself out the way Olivia can, and by the time she's halfway to us, she looks like she's going to pass out.

  "They should know by now just to leave her alone.” Will groans. "I've got to get her out of here. Can you manage these guys?"

  I nod. We've done this before, Will and I, he the protector of Olivia's sometimes fragile psyche and me left to man the ship. He breaks through the crowd, draping a blanket over her and pulling her to his side.

  “I don’t have it today, Will,” she whispers. “I feel weak.”

  “You have it.” He pulls her closer. I think he’d drape his whole body over her like a cape if she’d allow it. "Let's go."

  Olivia—who on a normal day takes orders from no one—leans against him and follows blindly. I've watched it before, but today it makes my eyes well over. In part because I'm so happy for them both, that they found each other. And in part because it reminds me what I've lost: Olivia is able to lean on Will because he's never let her down. I once thought I had the same with Rob, but he’s done nothing but let me down these past few months. Maybe even for the past four years, though I haven’t seen it until now.

  I get the crew out the door, with Brendan still nowhere to be found. We head down to the mountain’s base, where the race will start, and then begin the process of double-checking everything. Given that we’re going to end up a hundred miles from where we began, leaving something necessary behind could present a real problem later in the day. And the whole time I’m taking inventory, I’m trying not to think about Brendan, but I seem unable to think of anything else.

  God. What was wrong with me last night? I was ready to do anything he wanted. Without a condom, for God’s sake. And with Brendan, who never sleeps with anyone twice. Who, if Rob and I work things out, will be the best man at our wedding. It would have ruined everything.

  And yet I think about that kiss, and I know I regret the interruption. I’ll be thinking about that kiss on my deathbed and wishing, just once in my life, I’d allowed myself to have what I actually want.

  It's 10 minutes until the 5 AM start when Olivia appears, a grim, forced smile on her face. Everyone hugs her, which she bears with something approaching grace, and then she slings the Camelback over her shoulder and walks toward the start with Will still at her side, a cross between bodyguard and avenging angel.

  "You think she's okay?" Brendan asks, coming up behind me.

  My whole body stiffens, as if I need to shield myself from him, whereas he seems completely relaxed, as if nothing has happened.

  I tell him briskly that Olivia’s always like this before races, and then I head in another direction. Maybe he’s capable of putting it all behind him. I suspect it’s going to take a little more effort on my part.

  Once the starting gun fires, we climb into the van and head to the first checkpoint. I make a point of sitting in the front of the van with Lee, a runner from Seattle who volunteered to come out and, like myself, will be running a portion of the race with Olivia. He’s cute in a crunchy, endurance-runner kind of way—wiry and muscular, hair down to his shoulders, sweet. He might have appealed to me before Brendan. Now I barely realize he’s male.

  “You’re running the Cal Loop, right?” he asks.

  I tell him I’m nervous about it, and he reminds me that Olivia will have run 70 miles by the time she gets to me, which is exactly what I keep telling myself, though it doesn’t help. And then our conversation turns to college track, which doesn’t help much either, as I was the slowest girl on the team and Olivia was the fastest.

  He’s still talking about it 24 miles later, when we arrive at the first crew checkpoint. He stays by my side the entire time we’re carrying gear and setting up, and even though I’m a little tired of discussing all things related to running, I appreciate that he’s helping me avoid someone else. It’s warm enough now that Brendan’s down to a T-shirt. Just the curve of his biceps is enough to make me feel weak. Avoiding that will be my greatest accomplishment today.

  At 8:52 AM, Olivia blows in, looking like she just jogged across a parking lot instead of running a hard 24 miles through the mountains.

  “You’re in the lead, babe,” says Will with a broad grin.

  She smiles, collapsing in a chair. “Don’t jinx me.” But she’s over her early-morning qualms. He pulls her shoes off to check for blisters and changes her socks. “Where are my babies?” she asks.

  “On the way. Mom called, and everyone just woke up. They’ll be at the next stop. You okay?” Will asks, raising a brow and nodding in the direction of her chest. “You’re looking a little swollen there.”

  “I fed her this morning before we left,” she says. “I’m fine.”

  “Oh my God,” Brendan says with disgust. “I thought you were talking about Olivia’s feet.”

  Olivia scowls at him. “With all the shit we’ve heard you talk about, you’re giving us crap for discussing breast milk?”

  “Yes. Jesus. The only thing worse is when Mom and Peter talk about needing ‘alone time’, like none of us knows what that means.”

  “Nursing is a part of life, Brendan. You’ll see when you have kids of your own.”

  “Which is never happening, thank Christ,” he replies.

  Remember that, Erin. Listen to the words coming out of his mouth.

  He doesn’t want a wife. He doesn’t even want a girl he’s slept with more than once. If I remember nothing else, I need to remember all of those things if I catch myself wanting to think he could be more.

  After Olivia takes off, we begin packing down to drive to the next crew stop, 30 miles ahead. Lee is helping me fold chairs, telling me about some bar they saw driving in, when suddenly Brendan is in front of us both, looming over Lee, smiling at him the same way he did that football player—like he’s two seconds from throwing a punch.

  “Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asks me, though it sounds less like a question than a demand.

  I nod, following him in silence toward the van. He opens the back, and I sit on the tail, avoiding his gaze.

  “What’s up?” I ask.

  His eyes assess me as always. He looks as if he knows everything I’ve thought in the past 24 hours, and I blush reflexively.

  “You tell me.”

  “I don’t know what happened last night,” I say.

  “I could draw you a diagram.”

  “I mean I don’t know why it happened and why it went so far. But we were drinking.” A lame excuse. And one that doesn’t exactly explain why it’s all I’m thinking about now. “And we stopped before it went too far. So it doesn’t count.”

  “Doesn’t count? Erin, we didn’t stop. Matthew stopped us.”

  I blow out a frustrated exhale. “What do you want me to say, Brendan?”

  He steps closer. He is too close, again. “I want to know what you’re thinking.” His voice is low and husky, sending a shiver up my spine—one I need to kill, stat.

  “I’m thinking it was just a tiny drunk mistake, and we pretend it never happened, and everyone’s fine.”

  He nods, his shoulders sagging with either relief or disappointment, I’m not sure which. “Neither of us mentions it to Rob, right?”

  “Right.” I confirm.

  I look up at him and forget everything I’ve just said. His eyes have darkened and now dip to my mouth, as if he’s just come across something he’s starved for. It’s probably how I’m looking at him too.

  I hop off the tailgate, and we close the back doors.

  “Do me a favor,” he says. “Stay away from Lee.”


  I roll my eyes. “He’s harmless.”

  “Yeah, he is,” Brendan agrees. “But I’m not. So stay away from him.”

  38

  Erin

  Present

  Late in the afternoon I change into a singlet and shorts to run my ten miles with Olivia, and as soon as she’s gotten her blisters dealt with for the thousandth time we take off.

  The pace is punishing, though not nearly as punishing as the conversation.

  “So according to my son,” she begins, “you and Brendan are in love and probably having a baby.”

  Oh God. “Oh God.”

  “What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me you two were together? I just asked you yesterday, and you totally lied!”

  “We’re not together,” I groan. “It was a misunderstanding.”

  “Yes,” she says with a serious nod, “so many misunderstandings involve someone accidentally putting his tongue in your mouth.”

  “We just made a mistake.” I sigh. “Shit. Who did he tell?”

  “Everyone who will listen. He wants to know how soon the baby is coming, and he wants you to name it Rubble—that’s his favorite Paw Patrol character.”

  I groan. “It’s not funny, Olivia. I almost cheated on Rob last night. It’s not funny at all.”

  “You didn’t cheat on Rob. You have no agreement with Rob. You can do anything you want. Just like he is.”

  “It doesn’t mean I’m hooking up with his best friend! We kissed. That’s it. We just got carried away. We were a little drunk, and we weren’t thinking, and it was just this…blip. Matthew walked out, and that’s where it ended.”

  “Do you like him?” she asks.

  “Does it matter?” I reply. “This is Brendan we’re talking about. I could have been anyone and he’d have gone for it.”

  Her arm flies out to hit my shoulder. “Give me a break, Erin. You’ve never been just anyone to him.”

  “Well, it doesn’t matter either way. I’m probably getting back together with Rob, and Brendan has clearly stated he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone, ever.”

  “So which is it?” she asks. “Is it that you might be getting back with Rob, or is it that Brendan doesn’t want a relationship?”

  “The first, obviously. I’m just saying it wouldn’t matter in any case because Brendan and I don’t want the same things.”

  She sighs, disappointed. “Fine. Will, at least, will be relieved.”

  “I’m his children’s godmother,” I say, a little hurt. “He’d really have that big a problem with me dating his brother?”

  “It isn’t about you. It’s about Brendan. He thinks Brendan runs through women, and he’d end up hurting you.”

  And that, I admit, is exactly what I think too.

  39

  Brendan

  Three Years Earlier

  In June, the number of tours picks up dramatically, and for the first time in my seven months here, downtime becomes a rarity. Gabi makes the most of it, however. Italy is the ultimate adventure to her and she squeezes every second out of the experience. And the girl is indefatigable—I’ve never met anyone who wants to have sex as often as she does. It’s like she doesn’t even need sleep.

  Gabi asks Seb to put us on the same schedule, which is fine with me. We spend every free moment together anyway. Sometimes I feel a little suffocated and begin to worry that I’m not cut out for a relationship—but then something reminds me of Erin and I resolve to try harder.

  We’re on the third day of the Vineyards of Tuscany tour, sitting in the shade while our clients do a wine tasting. Gabi texts her mom, and I check email, feeling a twinge of dread when I see Rob’s name. I’m always waiting for the next round of bad news, waiting to hear some new way he’s nailed down this thing with Erin.

  Rob has many good qualities. He’s had my back in every stupid fight I’ve ever gotten into. When I was on the verge of getting expelled in high school, it was Rob—student government president, head of the National Honor Society—who stuck out his neck for me. But he has some annoying qualities as well, and ever since he started dating Erin his emails have begun to irritate the fuck out of me. Today he mentions that he had to replace his Range Rover because it wasn’t under warranty anymore. He sends pictures of the new house, the one Erin moved into. It’s massive, of course. He says he wants to put in a basketball court, but he wonders if they’d use a tennis court more. He suggests that Gabi and I come visit. You can stay in the pool house, he says.

  None of this surprises me. It’s been Rob’s M.O. since we were kids—asking about my grades before revealing he got straight As; patting me on the back for my college acceptances, and then casually mentioning he can’t choose between Harvard and MIT. You’ve never seen anyone as irritated to discover his SAT scores were lower than yours. Seven years later he’s still fucking bringing it up, mentioning he had a cold that day.

  And I just don’t get it—I’ve never tried to compete with the guy. I don’t want a big-ass house. I didn’t care about getting straight As or going to an Ivy. It’s all Rob. Something in him seems continually dissatisfied with the fact that I just don’t fucking care. That I don’t want any of his shit, and I don’t want to be him.

  Maybe that’s why he can’t stop throwing Erin in my face. Because subconsciously, he knows he’s finally got something I want.

  40

  Erin

  Present

  I’ve never been so relieved to finish a run as I am when Olivia and I arrive at the next checkpoint. She still seems fresh as a daisy, of course, while I’m barely able to stay upright. Brendan stands waiting, his arms crossed in front of him, as we come in.

  “Your legs are shaking,” he says.

  I shrug. “It’ll stop. I’m fine.”

  He ignores me, kicking one of the crew members out of a chair and making me sit.

  Lee comes over. “Well done! I told you you’d do great!”

  I barely have the energy to smile. “I’m just glad it’s over.”

  “I set up a solar shower for you back behind the tent if you’re interested,” he says.

  I choose to ignore Brendan, who snorts and rolls his eyes.

  “That would be amazing,” I say, following Lee around the corner while Brendan glowers.

  I shower and then let Matthew dance around under the spray for a few minutes before wrapping him in a towel and carrying him back to Dorothy, who has clean clothes ready. She looks so healthy it’s almost impossible to believe she’s the same woman I saw in a hospital bed a little over a week ago.

  “I was sorry to hear about you and Rob,” she says as I tug the shirt over Matthew’s head. I’m about to awkwardly explain that we aren’t necessarily over, but she continues. “Having said that, I’ve waited forever for you and Brendan to get together, so I can’t say I’m truly sorry it happened.”

  Groan. Matthew really did tell everyone.

  “Oh…uh…it’s really not like that. We’re just friends.”

  “Erin,” she says, “the two of you have never been just friends. I knew he liked you the moment I first saw you together. Just be patient with him. I was so worried, after Gabi, that he’d never try again.”

  “Dorothy, I appreciate what you’re saying, but things aren’t like that with us. And I’m sure Brendan will try again someday, but I get the feeling that’s still a long way off for him.”

  She laughs. “I know that boy better than he knows himself, so let me tell you something, Erin: he’s already trying. You might not know it, and he might not know it, but he is already trying.”

  There’s nothing I can do but pretend to agree, even though I hate giving her false hope. I have to make sure not to give myself any either.

  Just after 9 PM, Olivia comes through the finish line in Auburn, taking first among the women. Though I celebrate with her in mid-field, we don’t get a chance to talk until much later, when I sit on the front porch with her back at the house while she nurses Caroline.

>   “Happy?” I ask.

  “So happy,” she replies, gazing at her daughter. “Now, are you out here because you want girl talk, or are you out here because you’re avoiding Brendan? I noticed you hauled ass out of Auburn in the first van with Lee. He was not pleased.”

  “I don’t have a lot of willpower around him, Olivia, but I just can’t… It will mess everything up.”

  And it will. It’ll mess up our friendship and open me to a lifetime of wanting something unavailable. Then there’s his friendship with Rob. And things with me and Rob too—how could I ever walk down the aisle toward him and his best man, knowing I’d slept with them both?

  “If I can just manage to avoid him until I fly out tomorrow, I’ll be safe. Thank God we’re leaving separately.”

  “Or,” she says with an evil smile, “maybe you should just sleep with him and get it out of your system.”

  I watch her face to see if she’s serious. It appears that she is. “You can’t honestly think that’s a good idea.”

  “You’re so sure you want to marry Rob, yet you’re obviously dying to be with Brendan. Put it to the test. Sleep with Brendan, and if it’s out of your system, problem solved.”

  “What happens if it isn’t?”

  “If it isn’t,” she says, “then you had no business getting engaged to Rob in the first place.”

  I go upstairs with an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. There is no realm in which sleeping with Brendan is the logical choice. I just badly, badly don’t want to make the logical choice.

  As I reach the landing, he is exiting the bathroom, clad only in a towel, with miles of smooth, tan skin over a body that is nothing but muscle. Our eyes lock, and my heart beats hard—like I've had ten espressos, like I've just run a sprint. It's beating so hard I’m unable to think. I only know—the way I would if I were being stalked—that I need to get away, as fast as possible.