Bittersweet Surrender

by Q. B. Tyler

  “Because I don’t call you Charley?”

  “It’s all a part of the bigger picture. You don’t want to be married—at least, not to me.”

  “How can you say that? After everything we’ve been through together? Eight years, Charlotte. Oh, I’m sorry—Charley.” He rolls his eyes, and I shake my head.

  “You still don’t get it. We’ve grown apart, Matt. We want different things.”

  “Is this about me not being ready to have kids?”

  “It’s part of it.” I nod.

  “Fine, Charlotte. If it means so much to you, we can try.”

  From the corner of my eye, I see Will tense and I do my best to calm him with my eyes, but I don’t think it’s working as he shifts in his seat. “No, Matt. It’s too late for that. And I know that’s not what you really want. I’m not going to force a child on you.”

  “If it’s that or a divorce, I’ll take the former. I’m sure the idea will grow on me.”

  “Do you hear yourself? Matt, it’s okay to not want kids. But in the same breath, it’s okay for me to want them and to not want to be with someone who doesn’t.” I shake my head. “Don’t get me wrong, if we were happy and in love and our marriage was strong, maybe I could accept the fact that we’d never have kids because you would be enough. Because being without you would hurt more than being without a potential baby I had never met. But we aren’t happy at all!”

  “Says who?”

  “ME! I’m not happy! Can’t you see that? I’m drowning in this marriage and you don’t care! And if you would be honest with yourself for two fucking seconds, you would see that you’re drowning too, you’ve just thrown yourself into work to avoid the issue.”

  “That’s not true, I do love you.”

  “You love the person I was. The people we were. We are different people now, Matt. I might be asking for a divorce now, but let’s face it, Matt, you left me two years ago.”

  “That’s not true—”

  “I’ve been in this marriage by myself for so long,” I say, the tears back with a vengeance as they move down my face, “that at this point if you tried… I mean really tried… I don’t think I could even let you back in. I can’t get past all of the things that have happened. I was in love with you, Matt. Madly. But I’m a different girl than I was when we met. I was in love with you back then. But to be honest, I don’t know who that girl is anymore and you don’t know the guy you were either. Maybe that’s on me too. Maybe I should have fought harder for you, or for us…” I wipe my nose with the tissues that Will keeps on the table for moments like these. “I don’t know what else I could have done but…it’s too late now.”

  “It’s not too late.” I hear his voice breaking and I look to see the tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. “Charlotte, please don’t do this to me, I’m sorry.”

  “I know…” I say with a sniffle. “I am too. But…we just can’t do this anymore. We are too young to be living like this. So unhappy. I’m not just talking about me, Matt, you’re not happy either.”

  He shakes his head. “Don’t project that shit on me. I refuse to believe it’s over.”

  “Okay,” I say sullenly, unsure of what to say if he’s going to flat-out refuse a divorce.

  He’s silent for a moment, and I think he realizes that I’m not giving in. I see the moment the look in his eyes changes from hurt to anger. “I’m not signing shit.”

  “Okay,” I repeat.

  “How can you be so fucking cold?” he spits out. “You act like we haven’t been together for eight fucking years, Charlotte, and you come in here and end it like it’s nothing.”

  I shake my head. “Like it’s nothing? You think this is nothing? Like this was easy for me? Like anything about the last two years has been easy? Tell me you aren’t this delusional, that you didn’t see this coming? We’ve been in therapy for months, and it’s not working! We just don’t work anymore!”

  “You’re just upset. We can work through this.”

  “Fine, Matt. Maybe we can work through it, but the fact of the matter is I don’t want to. Not anymore.”

  He looks as if I’ve slapped him and he shakes his head at me. “What are you going to do without me?”

  “I’ll figure it out,” I say softly.

  “What are you going to do, go out and get a job? All that fancy shit I buy you costs money, sweetheart.”

  “Don’t fucking patronize me, Matt. I never asked you to buy me anything. I was there, Matt, before your bank account had all those zeros? I was there, and I loved you more then. I never wanted you for the shit you bought me, and you know that. So don’t act like I’m some pretentious, spoiled housewife that can’t leave her husband because she doesn’t want to give back her credit cards, because frankly I don’t give a fuck,” I growl at him, angry that he would even insinuate that I was with him for the money.

  The security maybe but no, not the shit he bought me. I’m actually surprised he hasn’t thrown that in my face. The fact that he won’t be able to protect me from Michael if we aren’t married. Maybe that’s too low, even though right now he’s angrier than I’ve ever seen.

  “It still doesn’t explain what you think you’re going to do about money.”

  “I’ll figure it out, Matt. I’m a smart girl.”

  “Are you? You’re sure not acting like it.” I don’t say anything back and he continues. “I had no idea you were capable of being this cold-hearted.”

  “I’m sorry that you feel that way,” I say, unable to come up with any other words.

  “Fuck you and your apologies, Charlotte. Don’t think that I don’t know what all of this is about. I still think that you’re fucking someone else. So, what? He’s promised to give you the world now if you leave me? You’re going to be with this other guy? I know you, you’d never not look before you leap. So, tell me, Charlotte, do you have someone in line to take my place? You wonder why I haven’t touched you? Because I don’t know how many men you’ve whored yourself out to and I don’t fucking trust you.”

  “OKAY, ENOUGH!” I hear Will’s voice roar through the room, and my eyes widen as I anticipate that he’s about to rip Matt a new one for talking to me like that.

  Baby, don’t do anything reckless!

  “I’ve sat back and watched you attack her for the past ten minutes. Enough. If you don’t have anything to say that doesn’t involve you defaming your wife’s character I suggest you keep quiet.” I’m shocked that that’s all he says to Matt. I was half expecting him to rip his head off the second he called me a whore.

  “Doc, relax. I’m sorry that I’m not more pleasant to the woman who’s leaving me after eight years.” He turns to me. “You really want to do this?”

  I nod. “Yes,” I say, fresh tears rolling down my face.

  He shakes his head, and he doesn’t say anything for what feels like an eternity. “I want your shit out of my house,” he says and I turn to look at him. “Tonight. What you don’t take with you, I’m tossing,” he says. “And for the record, it’s not lost on me that you haven’t denied anything I said about you leaving me for someone else. If you think you’re getting a dime out of me after you fucking played me, you’re out of your fucking mind.” He gets up and walks out the door, slamming it behind him.

  I expect to feel his hands around me immediately, but instead I hear his door open and shut again. I look up to see that I am completely alone in the room and I wonder if that is foreshadowing of what’s to come.

  No, Will wants you. You’re not alone. I sigh. Part of me believes that maybe I do need to know what it’s like to be alone. Frankly, the thought scares the shit out of me.

  My thoughts are interrupted by Will coming back through the door and locking it behind him. It only takes him a few steps before he’s on the couch next to me and I’m in his arms. “Where did you go?” I ask, as my face finds solace in the crook of his neck.

  “To talk to Wells,” he says, and I can hear the agitation in his vo
ice. “Dick,” he mumbles into my hair.

  I gasp. “What did you say?” I sit up to look at him.

  “Just that he was out of line talking to you like that and throwing out or damaging your things won’t look good in the divorce. Also, that you’d be well within your rights to press charges for damaging your property.”

  “Is that all?”

  “That’s all I said, but I also wanted to make sure he wasn’t coming back.” He places a kiss on my forehead.

  “I need to figure out how to get all my stuff,” I say sadly. “I’ll call Lauren and my mom. I wonder if he’ll do anything to my stuff between now and when I get there.”

  “I don’t like the idea of you going there alone. Maybe Lauren can go with you.” He squeezes me tighter. “I hate that I can’t go with you.”

  “No. We need to lie low for a while.”

  “I know, but this means you have no reason to be coming back here right now,” he says and I can hear the implication in his voice. That means we shouldn’t see each other.

  “How will we see each other?” I ask, the anxiety over not seeing Will for an extended period of time blooming in my chest.

  “I’ll figure out something. but I wouldn’t be surprised if he got someone to follow you now,” he tells me, and a tremor skates through me.

  “Will, he’s not so mad that he would let him come back, right?” I feel like someone has a vise grip around my throat, the oxygen not flowing quite as well as it was a few moments ago, thinking about Michael finding me, finding my mother, and finishing what he started all those years ago.

  “No,” he says, putting my face in his hands and swiping his lips over mine. “At least, he better not. I’ll kill them both,” he says so low that it sends a chill through me. I rest my head on his shoulder letting my lips rest against the skin on his neck. He wraps his arms around me as I fall into a troubled sleep.

  * * *

  I WAKE UP, DISORIENTED, CONFUSED, and groggy, my body feeling like it’s aged five years. Despite the discomfort, the scent surrounding me is calming. I press my nose against his chest, inhaling him and I’m instantly revived. My eyes flutter open and I look up into piercing blue eyes and a smile.

  “Hi, beautiful.”

  I blink my eyes a few times. “How long have I been asleep?”

  “About forty minutes. Lauren called twice… I hope you don’t mind, I answered the second time.”

  “Does she know?”

  He nods. “Yes, I assume Matt called her.”

  I roll my eyes. “I’m not sure why. Does he think he can turn her against me?”

  “I couldn’t tell you your husband’s motives for a lot of things, Charley. Nevertheless, Lauren is coming here.”

  “What?” My eyes widen in shock. My best friend is finally going to meet the man that I haven’t been able to stop talking about for months.

  “I don’t want you driving and I can’t drive you.”

  “But—”

  “No buts, Charlotte. Now do you want to rest until she gets here?”

  “Sure,” I whisper. I lay my head back down on his shoulder when my phone rings again. I look at the screen and groan when I see the word “Mom.” “Did he call my mother, too?” I place the phone to my ear.

  “Hi, Mom.” I don’t even try to hide the exasperation in my voice.

  “Charlotte Elizabeth, what is going on?!” I roll my eyes at her use of my first and middle name. She’s using that shrill tone of voice she uses when she’s excited and I have to pull the phone away from my ear slightly.

  “I suppose you’ve talked to Matt?”

  “He just called me…in borderline hysterics.”

  “I don’t know why he called you.” Was he just trying to turn everyone against me? Good luck trying that with my mother.

  “He says you asked for a divorce?”

  “I did.”

  “Why?”

  “What do you mean, why? You know how difficult things have been. Mother…I can’t do this right now,” I sigh, resigning myself to the fact that my mother is going to try and convince me that this isn’t a good idea.

  But does she really not understand where I’m coming from? Has she not been paying attention to anything that’s been going on the past year?

  “Matt has been so good to you, Charley…you can’t jump ship just because it’s hard.”

  “If that were the case I would have left him a long time ago. I tried.”

  “He thinks there is someone else.”

  I’m silent. I’ve never flat-out lied to my mother. Sure, I’ve lied by omission a ton over the past several months, but she’s never asked me point blank if I was cheating.

  I swallow hard, my mouth suddenly dry as I prepare to tell my mother the truth. “I know.”

  “He also says you don’t deny it. You have in the past. But you didn’t today.”

  “What do you want me to say, Mother?”

  I am getting more frustrated with this conversation with each passing second. It doesn’t even sound like she’s on my side.

  “How about that he’s mistaken?”

  I put my hands over my eyes feeling like I could scream, when Will’s hands begin to rub my back. I’m still in his lap and he’s listening to every bit of this conversation. He gives me a small nod that I take to mean, it’s time we start coming clean. “He’s not.”

  I hear a sigh on the other end. “Oh, Charley.”

  “I know, but…I’m happy. He makes me so happy.”

  She sighs. “How long?”

  “Going on five months.”

  “Jesus, Charley, five months!” she shrieks.

  “I know. I just… I couldn’t help it. I—I’m in love.”

  “With this other man?” she gasps, and I think she’s shocked that I’ve used the L word.

  “Yes. Mom, he cares about me…so much. He actually cares about what I have to say. My thoughts and dreams… I’ve been in a marriage for so long with a man that knows nothing about me. He pays me zero attention, Mother. Not that this is necessarily anything to be proud of, but I’ve been having an affair for months and he’s only just now suspecting it. He doesn’t notice anything about me.”

  “And that’s a reason to cheat? Because he doesn’t pay you any attention?” she accuses.

  “I’m not making excuses for my behavior. I know it’s wrong, but I fell in love,” I say keeping my eyes on Will. “I love him more than anything.” His hand moves from my back to stroke my cheek and the simple gesture sets my skin ablaze.

  I need him. Now.

  “Does he love you?”

  “Yes,” I say. “He bought us a house.” I smile as I look at him.

  If I can’t be honest with my mother, I can’t be honest with anyone. I trust her like I trust Lauren, and although she’s upset with me right now, she would never betray me to Matt. She would take my secrets to the grave.

  “There’s so much you don’t know. I know that you’re disappointed, and one day soon I’ll tell you everything, but I just need time to…decompress.”

  “Okay. Where are you?”

  “I’m…not at home.”

  “Are you with him?”

  “Not now, Mom.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “I can’t tell you that yet.”

  “Oh God, is it someone we know? Someone Matt knows? Please tell me it’s not one of his friends.”

  “No, it’s not,” I say, answering only her last question, “but actually, do you think you can meet me at my house soon?”

  “Of course, but why?” And I can already hear her shuffling around in the background getting herself together.

  “He told me I had to have all of my stuff out by tonight or he would throw it away. I don’t know, maybe he’ll toss it in a dumpster and set everything on fire.” I chuckle at my dark humor as I rub my forehead. “I just want to make sure I at least get all of my important things.”

  “He said WHAT?” I pull my ear away from the
phone as I hear her shriek. “He can’t do that! He better not touch any of your things, and I can’t believe he’s just kicking you out of the house like that. Charley, how can he? Isn’t your name on the deed?”

  “Well, yes, but…”

  “Then technically he can’t,” she says and Will gives me a look that says, “she’s right.”

  “I don’t want to be there, he doesn’t want me there. It’s fine.”

  “Where are you going to stay? Do you need to come here?”

  “With Lauren.” Hopefully that’s okay with her.

  “Are you sure you aren’t staying with your boyfriend, Charley? You know you need to lie low right now if you don’t want things to completely blow up in your face. At least until you’re legally separated.”

  “I know, and yes, I am staying with Lauren.” Will stiffens underneath me, probably realizing that means we wouldn’t be seeing much of each other. If at all.

  “Okay, when should I meet you?”

  “Like an hour?”

  “Okay, Patrick is coming too,” she says, referring to my current stepfather, “just in case that husband of yours gets out of line.”

  I chuckle thinking about my stepfather that wouldn’t hurt a fly. After Michael, my mother was wary about remarrying again, but Patrick Daniels was a breath of fresh air and my mother was smitten with his kind heart instantly. A man that would surely be the opposite of her previous husband. “Sure, Mom.”

  “Charley.”

  “Yes?”

  “I’m beyond disappointed right now, but you know I’m always on your side, right?”

  “Yes…” I say hesitantly, the tears forming immediately at the words “I’m disappointed.” I hated disappointing my mother or anyone for that matter.

  “Okay, I love you.”

  “I love you too.” I hang up the phone and let out a breath when I feel his hands on my face.

  “Well, that could have gone worse.”

  “My mom would never take anyone’s side over mine. She may be disappointed but…she just wants me to be happy.”