by J. Thorn
“So,” Reagan, started, shooting me a smile although her eyes remained tense.
“So,” I echoed, flashing her my own version of a “what the heck” look.
“What’s going on with you guys?” She mouthed to me.
“How should I know,” I grumbled, staring after Vaughan and Hendrix as they disappeared into the house. Their guns were raised, their shoulders positioned to shoot on sight. “He’s just…. staked his claim or whatever.” And then silently so she had to read my lips I said, “We barely know them.”
She nodded, laughing a little because she was in the exact same predicament. “And things could go bad, fast, yeah?”
“What could go bad fast?” Page asked, sounding a little dazed.
“With the Zombies,” Reagan lied- boldly.
I hid my smirk when Page looked back and forth between us.
“You’re talking about my brothers,” she deduced with her eyes shrewdly narrowed. “They would never go bad.”
Reagan looked scandalized by Page’s ability to perceive, but I recognized it. Page needed to be in school.
“You don’t know that, little girl,” I warned her as gently as I could. “Your brothers will never be bad, but relationships can go bad. And that’s what they’re asking for.”
She shook her head slowly, as if we were the ones having trouble understanding, “Not with my brothers. They don’t do things badly.”
Now that I couldn’t argue with her.
“What if they get to know us better and stop liking us,” Reagan argued.
“They wouldn’t like you if they thought that was going to happen,” she rolled her eight year old eyes and puffed out an annoyed breath.
This was the most upset with us I’d ever seen Page get and I kind of loved it. Most of the time she was perfectly obedient and lovable- I liked that she had a sassy side.
“How do you know so much?” I asked, unable to stop an indulgent smile.
“I remember what it was like when we had to leave my mom,” she admitted with only a slightly trembling chin. “I remember what they were like after we left home. Vaughan told me when we love something we love it forever. And when we love someone they know we love them forever. Even if we can’t tell them anymore. If Nelson loves you Haley, he will always love you.”
I closed my mouth- because it had fallen open. I fought back tears for the memory of their mother I didn’t own. And I decided Page, eight year old therapist extraordinaire, was much smarter than me, failed genius and relationship avoider.
“Kind of sucks to get showed up by a kid,” Reagan laughed.
“No, kidding,” I grumbled.
Page finally broke out into a smile and wagged her finger at us, “Remember that.”
“We will,” Reagan sobered dramatically. “Always.”
Vaughan kicked in the back door with a clever foot and disappeared into the dark house with Hendrix on his heels. We quieted immediately and watched in tense anticipation for them to resurface with a thumbs up or start shooting up the place in an effort to escape alive.
Minutes crawled by while we sat inside the quiet van. Nelson, Harrison and King surrounded us like true soldiers of freedom. I felt safe inside the van and that thought rocked me.
I’d spent years feeling unsafe- completely vulnerable to death, disease or Zombie-ism. And here, out in the relative open with only glass and rusted metal to shelter me, while three boys with limited ammo and a pure, focused goal to protect us and their baby sister, I felt absolutely safe and cared for.
What was I going to do with that?
A moment later, Hendrix reappeared in the door way, waving us inside. His bright blue eyes
were still tense with anxiety, but his gun hung limply at his hip. We were cleared for entry.
It must be safe.
And that meant an entire night with power!
Chapter Two
The house was dusty, choking with stagnant air and no use. Vaughan and Hendrix walked around with guns lowered and a kind of casual ease that seemed out of place for them.
The rest of us, kept our loaded guns at our sides- down, but ready. We stood in the kitchen and surveyed the clean counters and empty sink. The refrigerator was running, the appliances plugged in and not a dirty dish in sight. However, there was also no food, except for some random canned goods in the pantry.
Either the owner just stepped out for a minute to find some dinner, or this was the most organized evacuator in the former United States of America.
Who thinks, “I have to leave my house now, the Zombies are on their way. Better make sure the dishes are done and I took the trash out?”
Reagan and I left our own houses in complete disarray. Why would this person be any different?
“The house is empty,” Vaughan declared in a low voice. “But that doesn’t mean it will stay
empty.”
“I think it will,” I piped up. All eyes turned to me and I put my observational skills to work. “There’s a thick layer of dust on everything. Look at the top of the cabinets, for one. And the blinds. If the person that lived here had enough sense to do the dishes, they wouldn’t let dust collect on every service and there would be fingerprints or upheaval somewhere throughout the house. Plus, the house is relatively safe, but not safe enough to stop a horde of Feeders. If they wanted in, all they would have to do is break through any window or door.”
“So you think the owner ran?” Nelson asked from across our tight circle.
“That, or they just lived a clean life but died somewhere outside of the home or on the property. I can’t imagine making the dishes a priority when faced with Zombies, but that’s just me.” I shrugged and stepped back into the dining room. Same thing- meticulously clean; well except for all the dust everywhere. “They were here within the last six months or so though. There’s just not enough deterioration for it to have been longer.”
“We should find out,” Hendrix declared in that rough voice he used sometimes- like sandpaper over freshly cut wood. “There are a few outbuildings. We need to explore, find out if something happened.”
“We’ll go,” Nelson volunteered immediately, giving me his “intentional” eyes. I rolled mine, but didn’t argue. “Haley and I will go check out the barn.”
“And Reagan and I will check the shed,” Harrison announced quickly and then challenged Hendrix with an eyebrow raise.
I let out a snicker before I could stop myself.
“I’ll go with you guys.” King looked bored standing there; and a little oblivious as he missed the daggers Hendrix was glaring into Harrison.
I didn’t blame Hendrix though. This was one of those scenarios where we stayed together as a group all the time. There weren’t a whole lot of opportunities for alone time- which was fine for Reagan and me. But not so fine for any of the older boys and their general relational aspirations. Nelson, Hendrix and even Vaughan seemed to capitalize on moments like this whenever they could. The fact that Harrison stole this one straight from Hendrix in an effort to either spite him or amuse himself, was equally as hilarious as it was ballsy.
“I guess, I’ll just stay here,” Hendrix growled.
“Good idea,” Reagan teased, slapping him on the stomach so that his t-shirt rode up and revealed taut, golden muscles. “Someone needs to hold down the fort. I think this is a great job for you two.” And then she turned and winked at Vaughan.
That girl was asking for so much trouble.
And I loved every minute of it.
The rest of us returned to the backyard and then split into different directions. Reagan and the boys toward the huge metal shed and Nelson and I toward the fading red barn.
This was a pretty large farm, and had probably been relatively successful at one point. The outbuildings seemed to have been taken care of up until probably the infection and the fields that stretched out beyond appeared never-ending.
The air was a little chilly and smelled like fall: crisp autumn leaves, wind a
nd the promise of winter soon to come. The sun was bright in the sky, making the leaves glimmer in the warm light. It was one of those perfect days that reminded me of football and bonfires.
When we were far enough from the other guys, Nelson threaded his fingers through mine and swung our hands back and forth a little wildly. This was a perfect moment- one of the most perfect of my life.
It was easy to forget we were constantly trying to outsmart an evolving Zombie population, or avoiding humanity with their greedy, untrustworthy intentions. With butterflies in my tummy and a chest-clenching warmth spreading through my body, it was easy to forget we didn’t have a home, or really a future- that all we really had was an unreliable minivan, a few, but not nearly enough firearms and each other.
Because when I let myself give up my fears and doubts about Nelson, having him felt like enough.
He looked over at me and out of my peripheral I could see his big smile. I turned toward him and took in his wide, perfect smile, his dark blue eyes, sparkling with something promising and his more brown than blonde hair that hung messy and long over his eyebrows. He was too handsome for this ugly world we lived in, too male perfection for this upturned adventure we were on.
“What?” I asked when his smile just grew.
“You’re not pulling away,” he answered. His shoulders were naturally relaxed, his gun lazy at his side. We were supposed to be on alert, but it was hard with this private moment wrapping us in mutual attraction and heart-stuttering affection. My overly observant brain was quiet and soothed next to Nelson.
“I don’t always pull away.” I turned forward again, holding in my smile.
He was silent for a moment and then confessed, “It’s not just our circumstances, Haley. If I would have seen you anywhere, any time, I would have wanted you.”
I glanced at him, surprised by his flippancy. And then I laughed. “Nelson, I’m not going to be easy just because I don’t have other options. A girl can still have her standards at the end of the world. And you are so not charming my pants off anytime soon.”
“Not what I meant.” He tugged on my hand, pulling me in front of him. Taking two steps forward, so I was forced to take two steps back, he walked me straight into the barn siding. My backpack was still on and I felt the cushion of it as he pushed me against the faded red wood. “I would have wanted you, yes. You’re gorgeous and that’s just the man in me. But I meant mine, Haley. I would have wanted you to be mine.”
I swallowed- there was nothing else to do. I couldn’t respond to that or even think through what he meant. My heart hammered into overdrive and my vision narrowed until I could only see his face, the intent in his eyes.
I managed to shake my head and press my lips together, but nothing I did was very convincing. I wasn’t exactly a skank in my old life, but the idea of commitment was more than overwhelming. Just because I was officially living out the Apocalypse as an independent adult, or that Nelson was literally my only option at the moment, didn’t mean I was ready to give into monogamy just yet.
“We’ll go slowly,” he promised in a low voice, sending a shiver straight from my spine to my toes. He was close to me, his body just a few inches from mine, his face lowered so our mouths were just a breath apart. “I’ll take my time getting you to fall in love with me. But I am going to kiss you today, Haley. That will happen.”
Before I could even think of a response, he tugged me off the wall and into the barn. My mind spun now, no longer pacified with the drugging effect of Nelson’s presence. I tangled in circles as I worked to sort out my feelings for Nelson. Did I even want this? Him? Was I prepared to be as serious as he was about the whole thing?
Could I let him kiss me if I wasn’t?
The inside of the barn was dark and cooler. Streams of light filtered in through windows near the roof and sprinkled light on the hay covered rafters and dirty floor that stretched out in front of us. This wasn’t a barn for animals, just mostly farming equipment. Instead of stalls and feeding troughs, the barn opened into one big room, with an office of sorts, or maybe a little apartment in the back.
We stood silently for a few moments, just listening to the rustle of birds or creaking sounds as the cool breeze whipped around the structure outside.
There was nothing in here. We could tell immediately. At least not a Zombie. There could be a human hiding anywhere within, but the dust on the floor appeared untouched and the cobwebs surrounding rafters screamed solitude.
Nelson let go of my hand and started walking around the border of the barn slowly- probably looking for anything useful. His steps kicked up dirt as he went, but he seemed focused on perusing the remains of someone’s former life.
It was eerie to be in a place like this. Somehow this farm had remained untouched by looters and Zombies alike. It seemed frozen in time, just waiting for the mystery owner to return and pick up where he left off. I imagined everything remained exactly where the farmer left it at the end of his last day of work.
Nelson picked up a huge metal can off the ground and seemed to struggle with its weight as if he were surprised by it. I heard liquid slosh around inside and my ears instantly perked up.
“Gas?” I asked in a quiet voice, still not entirely trusting the barn.
Nelson opened the lid and took a whiff, “Yep. This is a good find.”
“Definitely,” I agreed. And then we continued in our separate directions.
I wandered around the outskirts of the barn, picking up random tools, wondering if they could be used for anything. I made a pile of the ones I recognized on a work bench and then decided to let the boys pick through the rest.
After a while I slipped off my backpack and set my gun to safety. I hadn’t heard any shots fired from outside and no scuffling of feet or heavy breathing from inside the barn- yes, those were my intruder-alert indicators.
Nelson worked quietly from the other side of the barn, but his presence felt invading, even from over here. Had he really meant what he said about me? How could he possibly even know that he would want me when he barely knew me?
None of this made sense to me.
The Parker brothers were good allies to have when fighting off Feeders. But they were too intense for my love life.
I wanted something light and easy- something I didn’t have to put a whole lot of effort into. This had been my thing my whole life. And I was happy with it.
In fact, the only thing I’d ever really tried at had been surviving. And even though I was doing alright at that, I didn’t feel like the results were conclusive enough yet, for me to want to translate those efforts into other parts of my life.
If Nelson wanted something with me, he was going to get the flaky, lacking-substance Haley. I would save the real me for a different time, a different less-Zombie-ish place.
One where there wasn’t a real fear of falling in love just to lose that love by a well-placed Feeder bite.
At the back of the barn, I peeked into the apartment-ish room and let out a breath of relief. There wasn’t anyone in here, no one hiding out in fear that we were looters, or in anticipation of capturing us and then enslaving us. Light filtered in from two windows, revealing a private apartment that seemed cozy and comfortable.
A musty single bed lay out against the back wall, with a small but practical night stand next to it. A tall dresser stood on the adjacent wall with a few dusty knickknacks scattered on top. A counter stretched along one side with a hotplate, toaster oven and small sink. A dorm-sized refrigerator nestled underneath humming and buzzing with life. And there was a bowl, a plate and a coffee cup stacked on a dish towel above it. A tiny bathroom, almost hidden in the corner, was all that was left to make up the room.
My eyes zoomed back to the purring refrigerator. It was on. There was electricity!
Without pausing to think anything through I ran back to my pack, yanked out my iPod and charger and then barreled back into the apartment. I tore through the room until I found an available outlet and then
immediately plugged it all in.
I stared at it impatiently until the red bar and battery appeared. It would still take a moment to turn on, but this was a very good sign.
Finally the glorious thing made a bell noise and light flashed from the screen! Success! I let out an embarrassingly girly scream, but I couldn’t help it.
I hadn’t heard music in eight and a half months. The last time had been because Reagan and I had found a settlement that had working generators. I’d been able to discretely charge it there. I hadn’t listened to it until we left, too afraid to reveal my treasure to other prying eyes. For the entire next day, Reagan and I had anticipated listening to beautiful sound and then that night, shut away in a walk in freezer in the back of an old Applebee’s, we’d shared ear buds and danced around each other in the dark.
It was fantastic.
And now, I would get to do that again!
As soon as the iPod app popped up I was all over it, swiping my finger with expert skill and blasting my music through the fuzzy speakers. As soon as the sound was there I turned around, dancing and generally acting like a crazy person.
But this was bliss to me- pure, dazzling, uninhibited utopia. My heartbeat instantly kicked up a notch and my blood tingled with delight. My ears felt soothed after so many months of silence and my mind felt relaxed and at ease. Finally.
The song was upbeat and light-hearted. I took a deep breath, fully relaxing into the moment and then I started dancing- there was nothing left to do at this point. I put my arms up in the air and wiggled my hips, letting the music take me away.
A chuckle from the doorway pulled my attention and I whirled around to find Nelson watching me while he leaned against the door jamb. His deep blue eyes flashed with amusement and his lips curled up into a breathtaking smile.
I was too absorbed in the music to feel embarrassed, so instead I shimmied over to him and grabbed his hands. I pulled him gently back to the middle of the room and held on to him while he shook his head at me.
“I’m not dancing with you,” he laughed gently while his eyes appraised my wiggling body.
