My eyes were wet now. I couldn’t help it; “stupid” was one of my trigger words. One of my favorite friends in Avalon had hit it dead on the nose – Kerdik had called me stupid, and I couldn’t argue with his spot-on assessment. My third-grade teacher, my GPA and most of my classmates all agreed, as well. I leaned my back to the wall and tucked my chin to my chest so I could hide my forthcoming tears behind my hair and lashes. I held the paper out from my body so I didn’t have to face any of them. “I, um, so the thing is… I, you know, um, I can’t read. I h-h-have something c-c-called primary v-v-visual dyslexia, which makes reading something that I c-c-can’t really do without a lot of help.”
I could feel all the eyes on me, and I wished there was a space lower than the floor for me to crawl into. Of course that’s when Lane came back with Remy and Draper. Of course there would be more witnesses to my eternal failure. Remy was one thing, but Draper? I wanted my brother to look at me like I was amazing and capable of anything, not like I was an idiot. I tried to hold tight to the memory of how he’d gazed at me like I was something special, not special needs.
“What’d I miss? Babe, what’s wrong?” Lane leaned against the wall next to me. She didn’t need the details to understand that I needed a hug, so she wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “Did something happen while I was out?”
I handed her the letter, whispering, “They know now. Everyone knows.”
Lane’s eyebrows pushed together as she scanned the letter. “They know what? They know how to get Urien back? Wouldn’t that be good news?”
Kerdik looked over his shoulder at Lane in disgust. “How could you not teach your daughter how to read?”
Lane gasped and covered her mouth, revelation crashing down on her. She closed her eyes, feeling my pain, as she always seemed to be able to do. “Oh, baby. No, no.” Her soothing words turned borderline frantic. “It’s all fine. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here. I didn’t mean to leave you exposed like that. No one thinks any less of you. You’re so smart, baby.”
Bastien’s mouth was on the floor. “You truly can’t read? Like, you can’t read this small note? It’s only one page.”
Lane gaped at me. “You didn’t tell Bastien?”
I shook my head and tried to suck in the tears that were a mixture of exhaustion and self-loathing, chewing on my nails so I could bite down on the tips of my fingers to punish myself for being a dummy. “I was hoping it wouldn’t come up.” I whispered to her, though the room was so quiet, I’m sure everyone heard me. “My dad knows. Now everyone I love knows I’m stupid.”
“What could possibly… Maybe her brain is damaged?”
Though Remy was trying to be helpful and fix me, his words felt like a punch in the gut. Lane and I had been through so much with this thing; if it had been fixable, we would’ve found the cure by now. There was no cure for dyslexia. We could land a man on the moon, but there was no help for me, other than endless tutoring and “helpful tools” that did little in the way of actually getting me to be able to read anything more complicated than a picture book.
Lane didn’t bother correcting my harsh words right away. She knew from years of experience that I couldn’t absorb the comfort until I was in a better place. She hugged me tight, warning the guys with a sharp look to be cool. “Hey, I know who you are. I love you, and I know you’re not stupid.”
I pulled out of her embrace and waved my hand in the air to clear it of the dense emotional fog I was now mired in. “It’s fine. I’ve got to get out of here, though. I’m going to bed, so if anyone needs me for anything but this, that’s where I’ll be.”
“Rosie, wait. They’re just surprised. No one thinks you’re stupid.”
Draper glanced around the room, confused. “Is this a joke or something? My sister can read. She’s very smart. I’ve seen her…” He paused and then looked up at the ceiling, puzzling out if he’d ever seen me reading something.
I didn’t bother to stick around and debate it. Instead I shoved my hands in my pockets and trotted out into the hallway. I did my best to keep a bland expression on my face, interacting as succinctly as possible with members of the staff who milled through the halls as I beelined for my bedroom and locked the door. I knew I was locking Bastien out, but I honestly couldn’t face him. I couldn’t handle the stunned looks, which were only slightly more palatable than the ones of pity, confirming that yes, no matter which world I was in, I would always be Remedial Rosie.
I changed into a lavender cotton nightgown, not even taking any pleasure in the spaghetti straps or the way it hugged my breasts and showed off my toned legs. I was stupid; it didn’t matter if I was pretty. I crawled under the covers, too despondent to cry about all the respect I’d lost in a single conversation. I tried to let the soft comforter warm me, but I felt cold inside, bereft of the friendship and love I’d felt just an hour ago. My eyes closed, and as I waited for sleep to take me, I hoped with everything in my soul that when I woke, none of them would remember that they’d all bet their chips on the dumbest girl in Avalon.
Breathing Fire
When my lashes fluttered open, I was greeted by a pounding I tried to ignore. The sun wasn’t up, but Bastien was determined to disturb the entire house. “Let me in, Rosie.”
“I’m sleeping. I’ll see you in the morning.”
The knocking stopped, and I drifted back to sleep, grateful that the next time I woke, it was to the sun, and not to Bastien. I stretched under the covers, but the possibility of a new day didn’t give me any sort of hope that life would have anything good in store. When I sat up, my eyes snapped to the spot of green in the room. Kerdik was sitting in a chair at the side of the bed, watching me sleep without a word.
My eyes darted away from him as I fiddled with the strap on my nightgown. “It’s rude to watch people sleep, you know.”
“You should know by now that I care nothing about rules of rudeness and manners. You wouldn’t let Bastien in, so I wanted to make sure you slept safely.”
I deflated slightly. “Oh. Well, then I guess I’m sorry I snapped at you. But you can go now. You can see I’m safe.”
He was leaned back in his chair, his left ankle crossed over his right knee. His elbows perched on the armrests, while his hands were flat together in front of his face, so his lips could rest on his fingertips. It was his mulling things over body language, so I didn’t pry. When he finally spoke, I wished he hadn’t. “You don’t know how to read.”
I stiffened, not wanting to start out the day like this. “You know, I understand the grammar, mechanics and the rules better than anyone. I’ve studied them for years. But my brain doesn’t see letters in the same way yours does. They scramble. So yes, I know how to read, but no, I can’t actually do it. It’s like having the blueprints for how to build a spaceship, but missing all the nuts and bolts, so you can’t actually construct the thing.” I sighed, leaning against the headboard and bringing my knees up under the covers so I could rest my elbows on them. There were angel wings engraved all over the wooden headboard, but the beauty of it felt grim this morning. “I was really hoping not to have it shoved in my face first thing today.”
“Lane explained it to us last night, but I still don’t understand. Dyslexia doesn’t exist in Faîte.”
“Well, it does now. Bonus points to me for bringing the median IQ down a few notches. It’ll make everyone else feel smarter. ‘Hey, I didn’t pass my exam, but at least I can read. Thank God I’m not as dumb as that useless princess.’ See? I’ll make everyone feel much better about themselves. My gift to Province 9.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? And if not me, then why not Bastien?”
“Seriously? The most powerful being in Faîte is my BFF, and his trusty sidekick can’t even read? And forgive me, but I’d rather my boyfriend not know how stupid I am.” I stared out the window, wishing the rising sun brought any sort of life about in me. “Well, it was nice while it lasted.”
“Does anyone know in your Common l
ife?”
“My best friend does. Judah started out as my tutor, but we stuck together even during the summers. He knew me before I was officially diagnosed, and never once called me stupid.”
Kerdik winced. “No one thinks you’re stupid.”
I took him in with dead eyes. “Yes, you do. It’s fine. Compared to you, everyone else probably is stupid.”
“You say that word like you’re stabbing yourself through the chest. Stop it.”
I went back to staring out the window. “My dad heard it all. He just got his daughter back, and now he knows she’s defective. Never thought I’d be glad he couldn’t get out of that bed, but knowing he’d probably leave me if he could kind of shoots the day in the foot.”
Kerdik scoffed, as if I was being ridiculous. “Urien wouldn’t abandon his own daughter. He’s a good man. If anything, he’d try to fix you.”
It was my turn to scoff. I sank back down under the covers and rested my head on my pillow. “Oh, goody. Another tutor who’ll eventually give up. More tests. More study sessions to take up my life, all so that Kindergarteners can run circles around me.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going back to sleep. Maybe when I wake up again, last night won’t have happened.”
“I’m not sure that’s how life works.”
“That’s how it works today. You can go do your thing. Enjoy your day. If anyone needs me, well, tell them to write down their requests in a letter. I’ll read it as soon as I can.” I let out a sarcastic one-noted laugh. “See what I did there? That was a little dyslexic humor.”
His tone soured. “You’re actually dismissing me? Am I some servant you don’t want to be bothered with?”
I turned away from him and stared out the window. “I’m too depressed to spar with you today. You can win whatever argument you think we need to have.”
Kerdik stood and moved to stand in my eye line. “This isn’t you. What happened to your spark?”
I didn’t bother shrugging, but simply stared unblinkingly at nothing.
I didn’t expect Kerdik to stick around to deal with my funk. He was usually the one with the tantrums, but today it was my turn. When Kerdik ripped the covers off me, I shrieked, moving to cover myself as if I’d been naked beneath the sheets. I sat up, my face contorting into a glower as I tried to make my nightgown appear decent. “Get out!”
“Stop pushing me away, Rosie.” He was just as angry as I was. “Bastien’s been sitting outside your bedroom all night to make sure nothing got in here. Draper’s been up with Remy, Reyn and Lane all night, trying to figure out a new plan to teach you how to read.”
“I don’t need anyone to fix me!” I raged, hopping out of the bed. My anger was big enough that Kerdik actually took a few steps back toward the window. “Lane’s tried everything, and everyone just needs to accept that these are the cards I was dealt. I don’t have it in me to keep trying new ways that everyone swears will work this time. I’m tired, Kerdik. I’m tired of all of it. I’m going back to bed because I’m useless now. No one needs an idiot princess to pretend she can keep up with things that children can do.”
Kerdik straightened, looking down his nose at me. “You’ll not hide in here simply because we didn’t react the way you wanted when you threw us a curve out of nowhere. You’re the princess of Province 9, and you’ll make yourself useful.”
“You want me to read something for the people? Give them all a good laugh? I could double up as both princess and court jester.”
Kerdik marched over to my wardrobe and yanked out a dress at random, and then threw it on the bed. “Get dressed and then come downstairs. You’re through feeling sorry for yourself. There’s work to be done.”
“I don’t think so.”
“The healers are downstairs, lined up to speak with the only one who can hear them. Now, I don’t care all that much about these people, but it’s my gift that allowed you to be able to hear them, and I won’t have anyone questioning that my gifts are faulty. You’ll go down and play nice with the locals.”
“Fine!”
“Fine!” When I didn’t move, Kerdik jabbed his finger at the simple green renaissance fair gown on the mattress. “You have two minutes to change, or I’m coming back and dressing you myself!”
“You’ll do no such thing. Get out and go intimidate someone else. I’m maxed out on how worthless a girl can feel.”
I expected him to go – I’d pushed him away enough to earn a little space – but instead Kerdik closed the distance between us. He cupped my face in his chartreuse hands, tipping my chin up to stare into his determined gaze. “You are not worthless, so it’s time you start acting like it. You’re their princess, but you’re my queen. You’re the daughter of the greatest king Avalon has ever seen.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, closing my eyes to fend off the sincerity Kerdik was beaming into me. “What if my dad doesn’t want me anymore?”
“If he doesn’t want you, it won’t be due to your shortcomings, few though they are. It’ll be because of you lying around in your pajamas, accepting defeat like a Commoner. That is not the girl I love.”
My voice was quiet, uncertain and filled with all the things I was afraid might always be true about myself. “You still love me?”
Kerdik’s stern expression was broken by half a smile tugging up the left corner of his mouth. He leaned in and kissed my lips gently, softly and with a promise that he didn’t think I was beneath him, even now. “You’re the sun in my sky. When you’re gone from me, there’s only rain and clouds.” I inhaled at the sweetness of his grand declaration that was both metaphorical and literal, given how his mood swings sometimes swayed the elements. “You’ve got real warmth in your eyes, and it reminds me to not be so cold.”
He kissed my lips again, only this time, it was different. There was a slow, steady intention to his movements. My heart picked up to a racing speed when his lips parted, and the sweet peck turned into a real kiss filled with delicious romance. We both indulged in the decadence of the breathtaking moment, ignoring the worlds as our lips made terrible decisions. He sucked on my lower lip, and my lashes fluttered through the utter high his kiss caressed me with deep down in my soul. Something swirled inside of me, starting from my mouth and zipping through my body like too much caffeine. It lasted only a handful of seconds, but when I pulled away in shock, both our cheeks were pink.
Kerdik touched his lower lip, as if testing to see if it felt any different now. “That was an accident,” he clarified. “A beautiful accident.”
I nodded, stunned. “An accident. We’re… You’re my friend.”
“And I intend on keeping you as such. My apologies.”
“I, um, it’s cool. My fault, too.” Of all things, I felt a belch building up in me. What can I say? I’m a sexy beast. I turned my head, expecting a small burp to slip out, but my eyes bulged when a blast of fire erupted from my lips. Hot and smoky, the flames rocketed a foot and a half out from my mouth, choking a cry from my shocked lips. I didn’t know what to do. I mean, the firemen hadn’t really covered the proper procedure for spontaneous fire burps. Stop, drop and roll didn’t seem all that applicable here.
Kerdik’s hand clamped my mouth shut, trapping the flames and my scream inside of me with no fear of the burn. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean for that to happen! Breathe through it and put it from your mind.”
Panic shot through me, but his hand over my mouth kept my fear locked inside. When I was decently sure the flames were gone, I twisted in his arms, pretty well freaking out, and not caring that my nightgown was riding up in his iron grip.
“Breathe, darling. Nothing happened. You didn’t… You’re mistaken!” When that clearly didn’t work, he repeated a desperate, “Put it out of your mind!”
Finally, I managed to jerk out of his hold. I patted my body down to make sure none of the rest of me had caught fire. “Put it from my mind? Are you kidding me? I just friggin’ breathed fire!”
The walls started to tremble around me, and I knew that Kerdik was getting too worked up. “It didn’t happen. I didn’t… We didn’t… It was an accident!”
I touched my forehead, stunned. “Has this sort of thing happened before?”
The guilt in Kerdik’s eyes betrayed his quick, “No!”
I tried to calm myself down, since only one of us could freak out at a time, and Kerdik had taken that ticket. “Now would be the time for the truth, dude. Seriously. What just happened?” My tongue tested the inside of my teeth, which felt warmer than usual.
Kerdik shook his head, as if willing it all to be not true. Because, you know, it’s easy to explain away an errant kiss from a friend, but not so simple to brush under the rug a fire-breathing girl without a clue. “It’s something that’ll never happen again. It was an accident, is all. The fire is nothing you need to talk about to anyone, understand?”
“Okay, now you’re scaring me. What does it mean that I breathed fire? Like, will it happen again at random? Is it because we…” I blushed and looked away, unable to say the word “kissed.”
Kerdik sank down onto my bed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He stared at his fingers, as if they would solve all the problems he couldn’t put words to. “It’s happened before, yes. When I get carried away. I won’t make that mistake again, so you needn’t worry about the fire becoming permanent.”
“Permanent?!” I exclaimed, my eyes wide and demanding answers.
He couldn’t bring himself to look in my direction. “You don’t need to be afraid of me.” He closed his eyes. “Please don’t be afraid of me. You’re the one person who I couldn’t bear to have shrink away in horror at the sight of my face.”
My shoulders dropped the tense grip they had on my body, and sympathy moved my bare feet toward him. I placed my hand on the side of his face, stroking his cheek so he knew nothing had changed. “Why would me having a faulty valve that shoots out flames make me be afraid of you? You’re still you. I’m still me. I’m just hotter now.” I placed my palm on my belly and mimed a hearty laugh at my terrible joke. “Get it? Because fire’s hot.”
Stupid Girl Page 19
