by Alexis Angel
"Because I don’t want to talk to you," I say.
I pick up the remote and put the television on mute on the sports channel. I missed the Jets-Broncos game. Highlights flash on the screen. They're much more interesting than anything Jessica has to say.
"Why are you being like this?" Jessica asks. "I thought we had something."
"Well, you thought wrong. And that was six months ago. I know I’m good in bed, but damn, why can’t you just move on?"
"Because it meant something to me, Tommy," she whines.
I grit my teeth. "Don’t fucking call me that." Some girls think baby talk is cute. I don't. "Look, we had some fun together, but I made it clear from the start that I didn’t want something serious."
"I can’t help how I feel about you," she says.
"Yeah, and I can’t help how I feel about you," I say. "And what I feel is nothing."
I tip my head back, leaning against the cushion of the chair. Jessica's like a laxative. She irritates the shit out of me. She doesn't know when, or how, to stop. I’ve ignored her, I’ve told her off gently, I’ve been mean, and I’ve been downright cruel. I’ve done everything to let her know there'll never be anything real between us, but she's too stubborn or too stupid to listen.
I don't do relationships. I don't even make love. I fuck. A lot. I don't want to get tied down to anyone. I've had enough commitments in my life.
"How can you say that?" she asks. "I know you feel something for me."
"Seriously, Jessica, you need to move on," I say. "Find yourself a nice guy or a decent vibrator. Whatever the hell it takes to get past this. Nothing is going to happen between us."
"I can’t just move on, and you know it, Thomas," she says. At least she's using my full name. Progress. "I’m in love with you."
I can't help but smile. "You’re in love with me?" I ask. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Don’t be a dick about it. If you had a heart, you would know what it means when someone steals it."
I chuckle. "Listen, if I stole your heart, let me give it back. And if you’re trying to insult me, it won’t work."
"I’m trying to tell you I love you."
I laugh at her. I don't even try to hide it.
"You don’t love me, Jessica. You love the idea of me. It’s lust and desperation. Not love."
"Why are you always such an asshole to me?"
I move to sit on the edge of the couch. This conversation is boring me. We're just retracing the same old arguments we have before. I want to get rid of her and move on with my life. At least, she is just calling now and not arriving at my front door anymore. She's the one girl I should've never brought home. Having her know where I lived was the biggest mistake.
"You think I’m being an asshole?" I ask, laughing. "This is me being nice. You don’t want to see what I’m like when I’m an asshole."
"Don’t you believe in love at first sight?" she asks, ignoring my answer.
I scratch my head. "Love is an illusion. Lust is just chemistry. Put friendship and lust together, and people call it a relationship. It’s a waste of time. Do me a favor. Fall in love with someone else. And don’t bother me again."
"You’re such a dick," she says, as she’s told me so many times.
"Yes, that’s the point I’m trying to make," I say. "A dick is all I'll be. That’s never going to change."
"You have no heart."
"You already said that. Now you’re just going in circles."
Jessica has been one of those girls who played hard to get. I liked it. Most girls fall into bed with me the moment I ask. It's my face that does it. I never tell them who I really am. I’d never get a moment’s peace if women knew whom I was.
"You’re really just going to tell me off like that?" Jessica asks. Her voice quivers.
"Goddammit, Jessica, you better not be crying."
"I’m not!" she says, clearly crying.
This has escalated way too quickly for me. I'm done. I don't want to play these stupid games anymore. Time to get serious. Again.
"Jesus, Jessica. Show some self-respect. I never told you I wanted anything more than sex."
"You never told me I was just going to be a booty call, either."
"Look," I say. "You’re a good-looking girl, and you’re a wildcat in bed." I have to be careful with the number of compliments I lay on this one. She takes everything to heart. But she's really been fantastic in bed. She has a body to die for, hourglass figure, tight ass, and selfless attitude, so she's given me everything I wanted. "There’s someone out there who will appreciate you."
"I don’t want someone else," she says.
"Well, I do. So get your shit together and deal with it. I have to go, Jessica. I have a call on the other line. Don’t ever call me again."
"Can’t we just be friends, then?"
"No Jessica. If you don’t stop calling me, I’m going to have your number blocked."
"You can’t do that to me!" she cries out.
"I can, Jess. And I will." It would be easy for someone of my stature to make it happen. I don't have to pull strings. I have people who pull strings for me. I hang up the phone before she says anything else. A great couple of nights in bed isn't worth all of this drama. Did she think she could guilt me into loving her?
I get up and walk to the bedroom, leaving my phone on the coffee table. I’ve had enough of people for one day.
In the bedroom, I strip off my clothes and put them in the hamper. Someone always comes to collect my laundry. I walk naked to the bathroom and turn on the shower. The spray is hot when I step under it, hitting my skin like thousands of pins and needles. I let it run through my hair and over my back and shoulders.
I think about Elanda, the kingdom where I grew up. I go back every Christmas to be with my family, but it isn't my home. Not even with me being the crown prince. I’ve been in schools and universities in New York all my life. I was given nothing but the best education, all in preparation for me taking over one day.
I'm next in line to take the throne. Most people would be excited about being king someday, but not me. I didn’t choose this path for my life. Through sheer luck, good or bad, I’ve been born into this. Nobody asked me what I wanted for my future, and nobody cared. It was probably better that they didn’t ask me. I would've told them to go fuck themselves.
How am I supposed to rule a kingdom I don't give a shit about? If my father wants me to love my homeland, he shouldn’t have sent me away for most of my life. Worse than that, my father wants me to settle down and produce an heir.
I don't want that life. Any of it. Not ruling, not marrying, not settling. Would I be forced into an arranged marriage, like something out of the Middle Ages? Would my father try to pair me up with German or French nobility? Anything could happen, and I have little to no choice in the matter.
Jessica was a pain in the ass on a good day. What would I do if every woman were like that? If that were the case, I'd rather be single for the rest of my life. I can't imagine sleeping with only one woman for the rest of my life, anyway. I'd be bored to death. My cock might actually shrivel up and die if I was stuck with one woman.
I'm a man, and I use my God-given talents to get what I want. I want women. A lot of them. I'm good at seducing them. I'm happy with who I am now. I don't want to have to give everything up.
Getting rid of someone like Jessica is the only benefit to taking my place as king. Commoners like her would never be allowed to even look at me, never mind speak to me.
But the price is too high. Freedom from a few complicated entanglements in exchange for eternal bondage? I can't do it. I'd rather deal with a hundred Jessica’s but still have my freedom, than give it all up and rule a country I’d never been able to relate to.
I can't count the number of women I’ve been with. I pick up a new one every weekend. I only go back to the same woman now and then, when they're particularly fun. But that doesn't happen very often.
And if Jessica was the
result of going back, I'm not going to do that again any time soon.
No. I don't want to be a crown prince who's pure and innocent and put his country before himself. I want to be selfish and perverted. I'm good at it. Eventually, they would force me to take my place. I can only escape my fate for so long. But until then, I'm going to drink and fuck as much as I can.
If my life is ending soon, I want to make sure I really live. An image of Nicole drifts into my mind, with her dark hair and pale eyes. I want her to be part of my last hurrah.
Nicole
I meet Lucy at Solas Bar a couple of blocks away from my apartment and NYU. It's a narrow bar, with a lounge feel to it, sandwiched between a small restaurant and an apartment. The vibe is always good and no one bothers us when we just want a drink-and-catch-up session.
"I like your hair like that," I say when we sit down at the bar. The bartender slides two Mojitos in our direction, and I sip my drink.
Lisa had cut her blond hair into a long bob, and it's wavy at the edges when she doesn't straighten it. After Graham dumped her, she stopped trying to doll herself up. Raw, natural beauty shines through, now. I personally consider it an improvement.
She shrugs. "Thanks. Everyone says that. I don’t miss my long hair."
"How are you doing?" I ask.
She dated Graham for almost a year. It had been serious, at least for her. He’d told her he was serious, too. He’d been serious until the very moment he left her, telling her that he didn’t want what she wanted.
It's been brutal.
"I’m fine," she says. "As well as I can be. I don’t miss him or anything, if that’s what you’re asking."
I shake my head, sipping through the straw. "That’s not what I'm asking," I say after I swallow. "I just want to make sure you’re okay."
I feel for Lisa. I’ve never had a relationship that long or that serious, but I’ve seen how much she cared for him. In her opinion, he’d been the one. She’d known it right after their first date, when they’d slept together. I don't understand the logic behind giving it all away if you don't even know the person. I'm probably the only twenty-one-year-old virgin in New York City, but I don't want to just give it to anyone. I want to love, first. I want to know that it's all for something bigger than just … getting off.
"I’ll be fine," she says. Her drink level is sinking rapidly. She drinks fast. At this rate, I'll have to carry her home.
"You’re better off if he wasn’t that serious," I say. "You deserve someone who will put as much into the relationship as you do."
Lisa nods. "Damn right, I do. I just wish he would've told me earlier, you know? I wouldn’t have been upset if he’d told me, at any point in our relationship, that he wasn’t serious about me."
"I know what you mean," I sympathize, even though I don't really. I can imagine it, though.
"I mean, sure, it would've hurt. But not like this."
She waves at the bartender and orders shots. Tequila. She's planning on getting drunk.
"I met someone," I say. I glance up at her, waiting for a reaction. She blinks at me.
"Really? Where?" She stirs the last bit of her drink with a straw. When the tequila comes, she throws it back without the salt-and-lemon routine. She moves the other one across the bar to me.
I shake my head.
Lisa shrugs and drinks that one, too.
"Slow it down a bit," I say. She pulls a face at me. "And I met him at Starbucks."
Lisa snorts. "That’s romantic."
I shke my head. "It didn’t have to be. It’s not like anything happened. He’s a bit of an ass. He thinks a lot of himself."
"So, a real man, then?"
I shake my head, smiling. Lisa's bitter. Graham left only two weeks ago. I explain to her how it happened, and how he’d joined me without invitation.
"Is he hot?" Lisa asks.
"Oh, my God. He’s gorgeous. Blond hair. Dark eyes. Like an actor."
"Oh, that’s a good one."
I nod. "Same kind of fluid confidence."
Lisa grins. "Sounds like the kind of guy I would take to bed."
I shake my head, irritated. "I’m not going to sleep with him. I hardly know him."
"So?" Lisa asks, finishing her drink and waving for another. I'm barely halfway through my first one. "If that’s all you’re going to get from them, might as well enjoy it."
"You know how I feel about that," I say. "That’s not what this is about."
Lisa shrugs. "I know," she says. "I know how you see it. I don’t get it, but I know. You’re not doomed, though. You can still get out there and have fun. Forget about love. It’s overrated. Trust me. Just do what feels natural."
"Like sex?" I ask.
Lisa nods and grins at me. "Trust me, you’re missing out."
I drink more, refusing to address her statement. I don't think I'm missing out. If I'm missing out on anything, it's love. I want to guard my heart and save myself for the right person when he comes along. It's not even about saving it for marriage. I just respect myself, and I want whoever I end up giving it to, to respect me, too.
Thomas is not that guy.
"You should just go out with the guy. Did you give him your number?"
I nod. "He asked for it. He was so arrogant and full of himself, I should've said no. But there was something about him that made me say yes."
Lisa chuckles. "You see? That’s how it works. Just go with it. When he asks for more, just keep saying yes."
I roll my eyes.
"What were you talking about with him?" she asks.
I shrug. "Freedom. Freud."
Lisa groans. "God, Nicky. You talked psychology to the guy? You might not have to worry about casual sex, after all. If you keep doing that."
It's true. I speak to people about what interests me. Not everyone wants to hear about the makeup of our subconscious mind.
"He started it, though," I say. "It wasn’t me this time."
Lisa shakes her head. "You’re the corniest person I know."
I laugh. Maybe I am, but better that, than be pretentious and lose who I am. I look at Lisa. She'd sleep with Thomas in a heartbeat. He's hot and funny and clever, and she would jump his bones without thinking twice. I can't do that. I’ve never been able to just go with the flow. Who I am on the inside matters more than what I can offer with my body.
Lisa receives her next drink and sucks on the straw. She glances at me with big blue eyes.
"How do you do it?" I ask. "How do you just sleep with someone?"
Lisa shakes her head. "You don’t get it," she says. "You’re not supposed to think about it. You’re not even supposed to ask me that. Sex isn’t nearly that complicated. You just … do it."
It sounds a lot more complicated than that. Sex is vulnerable. Sex is naked. Sex is showing everything of myself to someone, whether I like it or not. At least, that's what I can deduce from seeing my friends do it. I can't do that. I don't love myself enough to be that comfortable with strangers.
I don't think Thomas would ever have that kind of problem.
"It’s really not that big a deal," Lisa says. "Once you do it, it’s easy to do it again. And once you get into your own rhythm, you don’t care about whom you’re doing it with. You’re doing it for you."
I frown. That doesn't make sense to me. It seems selfish. Selfish and out there and hard.
"I still think it should be built on love," I say. "I know you don’t agree."
I finally finish my first drink and push the glass in the bartender’s direction.
"Another one?" he asks.
I shake my head. I'm not here to get wasted.
"What are you going to do when he calls?" Lisa asks.
"I don’t know. Go out on a date, I guess, if that’s what he offers."
"And if he offers sex, not love?"
I raise my eyebrows at her.
"Okay, okay," she says. "I know. You believe in waiting for love. I think it’s silly. I don’t understa
nd it, but I hear what you’re saying. I won’t keep making fun of you."
"I don’t want to get serious about someone only to have them leave and take that part that I gave them away with them. You know?"
Lisa nods. "I hear you on that one," she says. "It’s bad enough for him to take your heart, never mind your virginity. If he has both, though, and then he leaves? That’s going to be rough."
I nod and stare at the dark mint leaves at the bottom of my glass. That's true. There's always a chance of failure. If it doesn't work out, then my attempts to guard my heart will turn around and bite me in the ass.
I can't do that, though. I have to stay positive and believe that the choices I make are the right ones for me.
I watch Lisa drinking. She's a mess. She’s lost a lot of weight, and even though she's beautiful without makeup, her cheeks are sunken, and her smile doesn't always reach her eyes.
This is life, though. We love and we lose, right? She'll get over it. And if it turns out that I make a wrong decision, I'll be faced with the same thing.
By the time we finish at Solas, Lisa's plastered. She can't string two sentences together, and she keeps saying that we should charge the bill to Graham because it's his fault that she drank so much. I help her get home. She throws up in the taxi on the way to her apartment, and we have to walk the last couple of blocks.
"I need to apologize to the driver," she says, her arm over my shoulder. My hand is wrapped around her waist. The other holds her wrist on my shoulder.
"You already did that," I say.
"I’m sorry," she says to me, instead.
"Don’t be," I say. "You missed my shoes so I’m grateful about that."
We finally reach her building, and I help her up three flights of stairs.
"Do yourself a favor," Lisa says when I tuck her into bed. "Don’t fall in love. Just sleep with them. It’s so much better."
She closes her eyes, and I tuck the blankets under her chin. I leave her apartment and make my way home.
Is Lisa right? Is it really that simple? Maybe I have to lose my virginity and get it over with. Maybe I have to get rid of the one thing that I've been clinging onto and just do it.
