There’s no tension between us during the lull in our conversation. I wonder if he would be upset with me for the oath I made with the Originals. I don’t mention it. The mood is light, and I don’t want it to sour.
Focusing on the mug in his hands, he persists, “Why are you up so late? Are you having dreams again?”
The sigh I release is not in exasperation, but from the relief, my dreams have been giving me. “My dreams have actually been nice lately. No visions. I just couldn’t sleep because my mind won’t stop talking to me.”
Solas leans forward, folding his arms on the table, “What are they about; your dreams?”
I think of the best way to answer him as I tap my fingers in a wave against my mug on the table. “The past.” I don’t want him to get the wrong idea if I flat out admit I’ve been dreaming about him when he was Gideon. If my final decision doesn’t include him, it would only hurt him more. My heart doesn’t know what it wants, and I don’t want to lead either of them on. He can take my answer for face value, but I didn’t exactly lie to him.
He sees right through me. The corner of his mouth twitches, his eyes softening with modesty. “Remember the morning after your seventeenth birthday?”
I think back. “When I stepped on that fulgurite on the beach?”
Solas’ smile grows. “We never went to sleep that night. You were still amped up from the party and winning your race. It was barely dawn when we made it to the beach.”
“I was so tired, I never saw it in the sand.”
He snickers, “You thought it was a crab. You were screaming and cursing, hopping around as if it was still coming after you.”
I laugh lightly, “It was still stuck in my foot!”
He begins to laugh in hysterics, “I was trying to tell you, but you wouldn’t calm down! By the time you fell on your ass, you were convinced a chunk of your heel was gone!”
His laughter is contagious. “When you pulled it out of my foot, I swore it was a crab’s claw.” Our laughter quiets, and I wipe the tears from my reddened face. “I’ve still never seen anything like it before. It didn’t look like much at first… Then, you came back to my house that night after cleaning it up… It was the most beautiful glass charm. It looked like a leafless tree.”
“It was hard not to break the glass when I was polishing it. It’s the only time I’ve seen it either.”
My heart floats in my chest, content with savoring the happiness of our memories. My brows furrow, “I wore it on a hemp string around my neck. I never took it off. I haven’t seen it in forever. I wonder what happened to it.”
Solas becomes silent, gazing in the distance. After a moment, I slide from my chair to pour more tea for myself. My back is to him as he raises the question, “Do you ever miss him; Gideon?”
Turning to him swiftly, I give him a confused look. “Why would you think that? I mean, I did miss…Gideon for a long time. Except… Now, I have you. Does that make sense?” He nods, tight-lipped. I add, “You’re the same person. It doesn’t matter what your name is.”
He smirks again, yet this time, it falls quickly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
I take a deep breath, not knowing how to reply. I shrug a shoulder, “It was a long time ago.”
“I missed everything. I missed graduation. I missed taking you to prom. I missed starting college together.”
I interrupt the trip down memory lane I didn’t need. I remember everything. It broke my heart the first time. “You missed Jennifer London sliding down the graduation stage after her Valedictorian speech.” I chuckle. Solas grins, shaking his head.
I take a sip of tea and almost choke when he declares, “I missed you.”
I stand frozen in place, my mug still to my lips as if I’m about to take another drink. My fingers grip the porcelain tighter, fighting the urge to break down in front of him. A tear trails down my cheek.
Solas is there in a flash, relieving me of my tea. His large hands cup my face as his thumb wipes the tear away. Urging me to meet his eyes, he whispers, “I’m so sorry. I wish I had never left your side. I should have checked on you instead of following the Fallen into Sheol. My one wrong decision at that moment has had a domino effect since then. I’m so sorry, Ivy.”
My tears begin flowing freely. Solas pulls me to his chest, wrapping his strong arms around me and kissing the top of my head. I didn’t realize how much I longed for his apology for leaving me to die. I never hated him for it. I loved Gideon so much, he could never do wrong in my eyes. While I get angry or pissed off for things Solas sometimes does, it has never made me care about him any less. I love him. I wish I could hate him or Jack. It would make my decision easier. Nevertheless, I love them both.
Solas takes a step back, lifting my chin to meet his eyes again. “No matter what happens. I need you to know that I never blamed you. It was my own fault. If I could go back and change things, I would. In spite of our mistakes, no matter the outcome, we have to keep going.”
My partial bond to Jack grows strong as he nears the kitchen. I nod to Solas, agreeing with him, then step from his embrace to pick up my mug again. He leans back against the countertops, crossing his arms and ankles. I busy myself cleaning up. My heart beats harder, knowing the inevitable argument coming with Jack and Solas in the same room. I warn Solas, whispering lowly, “Jack’s coming.”
Jack opens the door, “Hey, Iv—” He stops short, realizing Solas is present.
Solas keeps a cool head, pushing away from the counter, “I was just leaving.” I keep my back turned, avoiding the war between them. Solas asks me, “Will you be alright?”
I nod silently, biting my bottom lip, my body stiff with the rising tension in the room.
Jack provokes, “Why wouldn’t she be?”
I spin around, “I’m fine.”
Solas looks from me to Jack, then motions to leave. Jack steps in his way. “She asked for space.” His tone is deep and commanding, reminding me of his father, Camael. They don’t call his father the Angel of War for nothing.
Solas quips, “I believe that goes for you as well. Never the less, I didn’t know she would be here when I came down.”
“Bullshit. Even if I didn’t have a bond with her, I could smell her down the corridor.”
Closing the distance between them, Solas grits through clenched teeth, “Are you calling me a liar?”
“If the shoe fits.”
Before I can roll my eyes, a booming crack resounds around the room from Solas’ fist connecting with Jack’s jaw. Jack crashes into the door. Glaring at Solas, he swipes the blood from the corner of his mouth. His green eyes darken with a devious smirk, “And they say I’m the one who should watch my temper.” He pushes himself off the floor. “Looks to me, your rage has been simmering beneath the surface since you fell.”
“Jack!” I bark in warning.
He continues, “Maybe it’s you she should watch her back with.”
Solas takes a purposeful stride towards him. With my angelic speed, I’m between them. I push a hand to Solas’ chest, urging him back. He meets my hard gaze as I open my mind to him. From the outside, it may seem we are having a stare down. I’m thankful Jack can’t hear our conversation. It seems he would find anything he can to provoke a fight. I beg Solas, Please, don’t.
He responds with his telepathy, “He’s full of shit. I would never hurt you.”
I know. Just walk away. Let me handle him.
“Are you sure you’ll be ok?”
Yes. Please, just go.
“Be careful,” he cautions, leaving the kitchen.
Hearing Solas’ footfalls fade, I lay into Jack, “What’s wrong with you!”
He growls, attempting to keep our conversation quiet, “I thought you wanted space from us. Was that just from me? How often are you spending time with him?”
“That’s the first time I’ve seen him in days! You act like I’m cheating on you! Noth—”
“Again.”
&nbs
p; I blanch. I’m at a loss for words. I stare at him with disbelief. My voice drops, “Is that what you think… I cheated on you when you died?”
Jack’s countenance goes hard. “You tell me, Ivy. How many days was it after I was taken to Paradise? Did you even have time to mourn?”
Weeks ago, Jack told me that he didn’t blame Solas or me for what happened. He said he wasn’t angry. Did he lie to save face? Is this how he truly feels?
“Are you seriously asking me that?” My anger swells as my voice rises once more, “You were dead, Jack! I didn’t know you could come back! Everyone said it was rare if it ever happened! I was devastated! And it was so much more than that!”
My heart breaks. This man standing before me is not the Jack I know. I poke a finger into his chest, “You said you weren’t mad at me. You said you couldn’t forgive me when I didn’t do anything wrong. Was that a lie? Is this how you really feel?”
“Maybe I was blinded with the thought of getting a second chance with you. Maybe I finally see things for how they are. The way I see it, you’ve already made your choice.”
I rub my forehead, “This is why I asked for space from you two. I can’t do this right now. You are both important to me. I don’t want to lose either of you. How do you expect me to make a decision when I’m overcome with my fate being tied to humanity?”
Shit. I wasn’t ready to tell him about my oath, but I can’t take back my words.
Jack’s anger falls, “How is your fate tied to humanity?”
Turning away, I lean forward with my hands on the counter, my head hanging in defeat. The weightlessness I gained from my evening with Solas has fallen back onto my shoulders with a vengeance. I maintain a low voice, “I had a meeting with the Originals. They didn’t believe I would stay true to my path; destroying the Horsemen. I wanted to restore their faith in me.”
I face Jack again, worry marring his features. “You tied yourself to the fate of humanity?”
I shrug, avoiding his judgment, “I made an oath. As long as humanity prospers, so shall I.”
He questions, “And if it doesn’t?”
Taking a deep breath, I ready myself for his wrath again. “If humanity dies, so do I. Not just my body, but my essence will cease to be.”
I wait for him to explode. He remains unmoving. Ten seconds pass, then sixty. Four minutes later, Jack blinks. He doesn’t speak, nods once with a tight grimace, then leaves. I wonder if he plans to come back, but his bond only dissipates. I finish cleaning up, then head back to my room.
Awakening to a knock at my door, I dread answering it. I know Solas wouldn’t come this early in the morning to check on me, and my bond to Jack doesn’t feel heavy enough for it to be him. It could only be someone waking me for training.
Raphael speaks through the door, “The dawn is here. Meet me in the Throne Room in ten minutes.”
What sleep I had, I rub from my face. After telling Jack about the oath, his silence has me worried. His emotions have been unstable. I don’t know what to expect from him. One thing at a time, I tell my reflection in the mirror as I plait my hair over my shoulder.
Raphael’s features stand out against the dark colors of the Throne Room. He gives me a crooked grin, his hands folded before him. His blonde, wavy hair is so light it could be white. It’s half pulled back into a short tress, leaving the rest to fall on his shoulders. His bright blue eyes spark with mischief as he comments, “The early bird gets the worm. Is that the saying?”
Letting out a huff of laughter, I retort, “There’s another saying I believe more.”
“Which is that?”
I smile, “Early to rise, early to fall.”
He’s quick to reply, turning towards the dungeons through a secret passage past the black throne, “And down we go.”
Though I’m not happy about following him into the dungeons, I bite my tongue. I’ve had nothing but horrible experiences here. I shake my anxiety, doing my best to stay true to my word. I refuse to complain or argue about my training. I’ve tried things my way. It didn’t work out for the best. I vow to give everything I can to the Originals in hopes of better outcomes.
Raphael leads me into a large, barren room. It feels half the size of the Throne Room. A square hole in the far wall is barred, yet gives light to the room from outside. I cross my arms over my chest from the chill in the room, walk to the window, then look into the morning sky, letting the sun warm my face. Raphael prompts, “How often do you use your healing abilities?”
I regard him over my shoulder, “Only when I need to.”
He presses, “You healed Evelyn of the Qeres poison eating her system by mistake. How did it happen?”
Facing him fully, I shrug, “I hugged her.”
Raphael explains, “Amazing. Only Virtues have been proven to heal others of Qeres poison, and even then, it requires them to be in Paradise for it to work.”
“Really?”
He nods, moving on, “For every healer, there is an emotion tied to their ability. What did you feel when you hugged her?”
“I don’t know… Appreciation,” I say in question, unsure if that was what had triggered my ability.
His expression makes me believe he doesn’t find my answer acceptable. “What other times have you healed someone?”
I tell him, “Alice had a broken rib and a deep cut on her thigh. I healed her, so she didn’t have to suffer long.”
“And what did you feel then?”
I think back a moment. It wasn’t appreciation for Evelyn that triggered my ability. It wasn’t appreciation I felt for Alice when I healed her. I admit with a small smile, “Love… It’s love that triggers it.”
Raphael beams, “Yes. That sounds about right. Tell me, you have healed yourself, correct?”
My light mood falls. The first time I healed myself was when Solas helped me induce a vision of Lucien by meditating into a fire. He held me to his chest and guided me into the meditation through his telepathy and my empathy. When Lucien had stabbed me through the chest in the vision, the wound manifested in reality. I thought I was dying, and so did Solas. I begged him not to let me die. It was his love for me that pushed me to heal myself, even though I didn’t realize I could do it at the time. Since then, I’ve healed myself countless times during torture in Sheol. More recently, I healed myself over and over again to no avail as demons of Kiaofi tore into Solas and me with their sharp teeth at the command of Lilith. I silently nod to Raphael in affirmation.
He continues, “I will assume that when you healed Alice or Evelyn, the process was much faster than when you healed yourself. Do you know how long it takes you to heal someone?”
“A few seconds. Not long. If I had to put a number to it, I would say about twenty seconds.”
His head cocks to the side, “How long does it take for you to heal yourself then?”
“About a minute.”
“Do you know why that is?”
“No.”
Raphael enlightens me, “When you heal someone, you do it out of love. It is no different when healing yourself. You must love yourself in order to heal faster.”
I pivot towards the barred window again. To say that I love myself would be a lie. I’ve become a monster.
Flanking my side to take in the warmth of the sun with me, Raphael acknowledges, “You cannot allow yourself to be a martyr, Ivy. It’s easy to love others, give and do for those you love, and sacrifice yourself for them. You must think of the oath you took. You love this world and humanity. You are now tied to it. If you can’t love yourself, you can’t save them.”
I have a moment of clarity. If I can’t love myself, how can I expect others to love me as well? No one should love a monster like me.
I mumble aloud, “I could never love the monster I’ve become.”
Raphael’s form blocks the sun’s rays from me as he grasps my arms. “Then, that is where we will begin your training. This is not something I can teach you in one day. It is something you must
learn. I will be here to mentor you along the way. I only ask that you come to me with anything you may need.”
His piercing gaze is hard to look into. It’s like his irises are as pure as Paradise, and I don’t belong there. I regard the ground, “Ok.”
He adds, “We are not done for today, though.”
“No?” I question.
With the shake of his head, he presents a hand behind me. Merrick enters the dungeon, a smirk on his face. Raphael announces, “Merrick will be assisting me today in your training.”
I groan inwardly, You’re just doing anything you can to keep an eye on me.
“Did Jack tell you what Merrick’s abilities are?”
My brow quirks, “No.”
Should I be worried?
Merrick’s stride towards us is relaxed, his brown eyes glinting in the low light. His arms go wide at his waist with his palms up. Then, raising them slowly above his head, the dungeon transforms. Soft, luscious grass covers the floor. Large trees emerge throughout. The sound of cicadas hissing and the smell of tropical dew fills my senses. As Merrick reaches us, the dungeon is an endless jungle. I slap at a mosquito biting my neck.
“You can create illusions?” I ask Merrick.
He scowls down at me, “It is much more than an illusion.”
I turn to ask Raphael what this has to do with my healing ability, but he’s gone. I look back to Merrick. I’m alone. Spinning around, I call out, “Hello? Raphael? Merrick?” No sign or sound reveals their location.
I should definitely be worried.
If my bond to Jack didn’t remain strong, I would believe Merrick and Raphael transported me to a rainforest. The foliage is dense, and the climate is humid. The canopy of the trees is high overhead, creating a dome of shade from the sun. Thunder rolls overhead, and I yell to the canopy, “If this is an illusion, Merrick, there’s no reason for that!”
On cue, the sky opens up. Heavy rain pelts my face in plump drops. I mumble, “Asshole.” Searching my surroundings, there’s not much for cover. I spin around, screaming over the sound of the rain, “What am I supposed to do here? What’s the point of this?”
The Helio Trilogy: Volumes 1-3 Page 72
