“When I fell, I mourned for the Light of Paradise I would never see again. Then, there you were. You are my Light. You are my Paradise. I’m not the only one who sees it. The entire Gray Legion sees it. You’re the Light they long for, and you give it to them unknowingly. You bring Paradise to them. That’s why they follow you. That’s why they’re loyal.
“I never thought it would be possible, but when I look into your eyes, I see a reflection of my own soul staring back at me. You make me feel more alive just being in the same room with me. Even the silence is comfortable when you're near. Without you, I’m incomplete. I’m nothing without you. I love you, Ivy. That’s why I would rather see you happy with Jack than force you to choose. You deserve to make your own choices.”
“What about your choices?” I ask barely above a whisper.
We get lost in each other’s eyes, searching, wanting. Solas grips my face, slamming me back into the wall as his mouth crashes into mine. My legs wrap around his waist, climbing up his body. My fingers dig into his hair, pulling him closer. The hardness of his body rocks into me. I know he wants me, I know he needs me, and I want nothing more than to give myself to him.
“Oh, shit,” comes a gasp from the doorway.
Eric!
Solas and I back away from each other. I look to Eric, wide-eyed. He backs away with his hands up, “I wasn’t even here, man.” Then, he’s gone.
Without turning back to Solas, I utter, “I’m sorry.”
His tone is full of sorrow as he passes me to leave, “I as well, princess. I as well.
I trudge to the depths of the dungeon to release the pent up anger boiling inside of me. This poor heavy bag. I don’t know how much duct tape I’ve used to repair it now. Fuck! I rage, splitting another seam. I don’t stop to tape it up again. Memories flash with every jab, every kick, every knee. The Darkness flares in my eyes and I shake it off, letting love in.
When I made the fifteen-hundred-mile road trip in my Evo, I drove like a mad man, letting the freedom of the open road pave the way to a new start as the wind whipped my hair back and the stereo blared. I dove head first into the college scene, partying, drinking, smoking, rocking out. I lived hard and fast.
Meeting Jack was like slamming on the breaks. It changed everything. He taught me there was more to life and how to embrace each moment, savoring the kiss of the sunset. He was a breath of fresh air in the pollution I was living in. As much I tried to resist his charm, I fell in love. That love was ripped away, dropping me like a cannonball in the sea. I couldn’t swim, couldn’t rise, couldn’t fight. I drowned.
Solas saved me. When our toes dug into the sand of the east coast, I felt it; the rope of hope that could lead to my survival. I took his hand and didn’t let go. As long as my hand was in his, I knew I wouldn’t go under again. He led me to shore, and I never wanted to look back at the pain I suffered. Solas is my anchor, yet he makes me want to be better, surpass what’s expected of me.
In his own way, Eric pushes me to excel in my abilities. He’s that coach who believes in you when nobody else does. And Alice… Well, Alice is my cheerleader, my best friend. She supported me through some stupid decisions—like dating Trey—when she knew it wasn’t the best idea. She’s my comfort when the world feels like it’s falling down around me. Sometimes she doesn’t have to say anything, just hold me until I can breathe again. Sometimes she has the most prolific statements, knocking some sense into me.
The Griffin triplets are the siblings I never thought I wanted. I would never admit it to her, but I envy Theodora. She’s always calm and composed, yet everyone knows you don’t fuck with her. She can snap your spine almost as quickly as I can… Almost. Cassius reminds me of the cowardly lion, no pun intended. He has a heart of gold beneath sin he’s been mistakenly marked with. He’s the big brother I can always go to for advice. If he doesn’t have an answer, he does his best to point me in the right direction. Beckett is Cass’ opposite. He’s the younger, immature, and playful brother. Beck has a way of getting me out of any funk. It hurts to know how heavy his heart is with the Darkness. He deserves so much better than that.
They all deserve so much more than they’ve been handed. Every day they fight the Darkness within them, and they’re winning. How is it so easy for them? Why can’t I keep my own Darkness hidden? Why can’t I get rid of it?
That brings on another turn of thoughts. Jack… Jack has Darkness. He was willing to stand by my side if I couldn’t come back to the Light. That’s not Jack. That’s not who he is. Why can’t I fix everything? Why can’t I take it all away for them?
I take a break from the heavy bag. Its inner lining is shot, the filling trickling out of the bottom like sand in an hourglass. I sit along the wall with my arms resting over my knees. I watch the grains pile up below the gentle sway of the heavy bag. Tick tock, Ivy. Tick tock, I keep repeating the words. Tick tock. Tick tock.
Evelyn’s sweet scent hits me before she enters with Camael. The Angel of War speaks first, “Should you be training at such an hour when you have training with Raphael soon?”
I shrug from my place on the cold ground, looking up at them, “Shouldn’t you be sleeping at such an hour instead of worrying about me?”
Camael’s tilted grin falls gradually. Evelyn explains, “I wanted to speak with you, dear, but Cam thought it would be best if he came along.”
“What’s wrong?” I worry. When Evelyn says she needs to talk, it’s usually because something is bothering her.
She squats down in front of me, hugging her knees, ever so gracefully, to put herself on my level. She keeps her voice down, “It’s Jack. The Darkness tainting his essence is growing.”
I lift my head from the wall, “How? He hasn’t returned to Sheol. Why would it grow?”
Camael speaks down to me, “Your Darkness is affecting him, as well as it affects you. Your bond with him is stronger than most, and it’s sharing your Darkness with him.”
I pop to my feet, “There’s no way!”
Camael continues, “I wouldn’t believe it myself until I witnessed his reaction during your training. When your Darkness manifested, so did his. I pushed it aside as a fluke, but when you took Uriel’s essence upon yourself, your Darkness grew. In turn, Jack’s grew.”
I mutter, “That’s not possible.”
Evelyn notifies me, “You did not see him for the three days you were gone. It’s worse.”
Camael adds, “Every time you take a Fallen essence, it supplements your own. Darkness is like a parasite. It will feed on anything it can reach. Right now, it’s feeding on Jack.”
I blurt, “What if I heal him? Can I take it from him? Maybe I can separate the Darkness from his essence and take it as my own?”
Evelyn takes my hands in hers, holding them between us, “Oh, no, dear. I don’t think it’s possible. The only thing we can do is stop it from becoming more.”
“How?”
Camael doesn’t look me in the eyes as he declares, “Break your bond.”
I stare at Jack’s father a long moment. “Clearly, I’ve misunderstood you. You would never ask me to break my bond with Jack, right?” Examining each of their downcast expressions, a sickness bubbles in my stomach.
Evelyn assures, “It’s the only way to stop him from falling, Ivy. I would never ask this of you if it wasn’t important.”
I want to be angry with them, but I would do the same if I were in their position. Jack means the world to them. Jack means the world to me as well. If breaking our bond will save him, I’ll do it. Then, I’m going to find a way to heal myself of the Darkness completely and rip his from him. There’s no room in Jack’s heart for Darkness. I won’t let him turn into what I’ve become.
Chapter 8
The pounding in my chest vibrates in my ears as I veer through the corridors, following my bond to Jack, and stalling outside his chamber doors. He’s asleep, which is expected at these hours, his breathing languid and steady. I wring my hands, at a loss of what to
say, how to say it, and if he’ll understand. I know if I don’t do it now, I won’t do it at all. My hand reaches for the doorknob, a trembling visible in my fingertips. I stall, squeezing my hand before I creep inside.
A tall candle burns on a makeshift shelf of stone beside his bed, illuminating half of his restful features in a golden glow. He lays on his back, shirtless, his sweatpants low on his hips. A black, soft, leather-bound book lies across his chest, his right hand still holding it as if he fell asleep reading. His intricate tribal tattoo decorates his right side, from the soft point behind his ear, over his herculean shoulder, and down to his hand. I used to think his tattoo was to intimidate people, but I’ve come to realize it was to cover his rank.
Though Jack’s sleeping, his calming ability still affects me. I walk lightly around the foot of the bed and slide on top of the covers with him, curling into his open arm across the bed. I soak in his warmth, missing the time when things were simple between us. I could lie in his arms all day, skipping class, talking about anything and everything.
Jack stirs, his voice low and groggy as if he’s between sleep and wake, “What are you doing here, Sunshine?”
I take a deep breath, locking away the memory of being close to him. I’m not ready.
I avoid his question, “I miss this.”
He pulls me tighter into his side, his tone clearing, “So, don’t.” His hand runs through the back of my hair, loosening my ponytail.
Closing my eyes, I hesitate, “Jack?” He hums an incoherent acknowledgment. “We need to talk, Jack.”
“I’m sleeping,” he grins.
I pull away, sitting up, “I’m serious, Jack.”
His playfulness fades, moving his book next to the candle, and sitting up. He notices my swollen features from crying and places his palm against my face to rub my cheek. “What’s going on? Are you alright?”
My bottom lip catches between my teeth as I shake my head, fighting another breakdown. “What happened when I was gone, Jack?”
His touch leaves me, dropping to the bed. He denies, “Nothing.”
I point out, “You know I wouldn’t be asking if I hadn’t heard already. Just tell me.”
He shrugs, “My father and I got into an argument.”
“And,” I drawl.
“It was a big argument. It turned into a fist fight… and I accidently hit my mother.” My spine straightens. He adds, “She was trying to stop it.”
I shake my head in disbelief, “With your senses, you should have been able to stop before that happened.”
Jack nods, downcast, his voice cracking, “I lost focus. I couldn’t think. I don’t know what’s happening to me.”
The silence fills the air, my heart and my mind fighting for the right thing to do versus what I want to do. I take his hands in mine, “Jack… When you went to Sheol for me, I know it tainted your essence.”
His green eyes bore into mine, “That’s not what’s happening.”
I counter, “No. It’s more.” He waits for me to explain. “Darkness has a way of feeding on itself. I know this because every time I reap a Fallen, their Darkness latches onto my own. It grows, making it harder and harder for me to fight it. Your Darkness started out as almost nothing after you went to Sheol, but with our bond, my Darkness is feeding yours. It will devour you if we don’t stop it.”
Jack’s hands clench around mine, his brows drawing together, “I’m not breaking my bond with you, Ivy. It’s not happening.”
I plead with him, “We don’t have a choice, Jack. It’s the only way.”
He springs from the bed, and I follow. “No!”
“Jack, I swear to you, I’m going to find a way to get rid of my Darkness. When I do, I promise to cleanse your essence. Please, trust me. Until I can do it, we need to break our bond.”
Jack explodes, “This has nothing to do with Darkness and everything to do with you choosing him over me! You’re just making it easier on yourself, letting me go a little bit at a time! I won’t let you do this to us, Ivy!” He grips the tops of my arms, his fingers digging into my flesh. “He can never love you!”
“Jack! Let go!” I cry out, not wanting to fight with him because we both know I would win.
“Do you think he would have helped you discover who you really are if he found you instead of me? No! He would have kept to the shadows until you transformed! I was there, he wasn’t! Do you think he would have fought to leave Paradise to come back for you? No!”
“Jack! Stop!” My Darkness begins to rise, itching to lash out. “Please!”
Jack pitches me across the room like a rag doll. I release my wings to catch me, but it’s too late. I slam against the stone wall, sliding to the floor. He marches over to me, lifting me from the ground by the throat. I grip his wrist with both hands, choking out sobs to get him to stop. He growls, “I’m a warrior, Ivy. I’m not supposed to get involved with anyone. I broke my rules for you!”
Eric, Alice, and Cassius charge into Jack’s room, warning, “Jack!”
“I died for you!” Jack roars.
They converge on him. He tosses me aside to crumple on the floor. There are echoes of them fighting throughout the room as Alice drops to her knees by my side. I cough in a fit, getting to my knees. My larynx is crushed. I can’t speak. She eases me to my feet so I can lean back against the wall. I gasp for breath, trying to concentrate hard enough to heal myself. Before I know what happens, Jack is on the floor, unconscious.
Alice asks Eric and Cass, “What did you do?”
Cassius hauls Jack over his shoulder. “Put him to sleep,” he motions with his first two fingers pointing to the soft spot where his neck meets his collarbone.
Eric looks to me, “What do you want to do with him?”
I think about it a moment, then point to the ground as I rasp, “Dungeons.”
Alice links her arm through mine and walks me back to my room. Once inside, we sit before the fire, holding on to each other wordlessly. She finally asks, “What happened?”
I wipe my face of the tears. “Evelyn and Camael came to talk to me. They said Jack’s aggression is getting worse, said something happened while I was gone.”
Alice nods, lost in thought. “It was pretty bad.”
“You were there?” I ask, puzzled.
Her brows rise, “We all were.”
“What were they even fighting about?” I wonder.
“You. Jack doesn’t agree with Camael’s training.”
I shake my head. “It’s the Darkness. That’s why I went to Jack. I told him my Darkness is feeding on him through our bond. The only way to stop it is to break our bond… He just snapped.”
Alice holds me tight as I let my pain out. “You know it’s not him. Jack would never do that. Just like when you made your oath to Lucifer, we knew it wasn’t you.”
I disclose, “I’ve never been physically harmed by someone I love. It’s not the same as fighting someone you don’t know or hate. Your love for them stops you from harming them back. My body froze up. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fight back.”
She soothes, “I know, honey. I know.”
Before now, I had never seen a grown man cry. Jack sits against the wall, his arms atop his knees, his unseeing eyes bloodshot. His tears have left clean lines down his face, washing away the dirt from the dungeon. I step up to the bars of the cell, “Jack? You remember Tristan?”
Tristan flanks my side, “How are you, Jack?”
Jack stares straight ahead at me, “I never meant to hurt you, Ivy. I’m so sorry.”
I whisper, “I know.”
Jack looks to Tristan, “Are you here to break the bond?”
Tristan nods, “I.”
Slowly standing, Jack comes inches from the bars, his eyes pleading with me, “You can let me out of here. I promise I won’t ever put a hand on you again.”
Eric enters with the keys and opens the cell. Jack remains still. Tears build in my eyes. I can’t take it anymore. I jump into
his arms. He hesitates but holds me against him. I whimper, “I’m so sorry.”
He kisses my temple. “I’m sorry. I should’ve listened. If you think we should do this, I will.” I nod frantically in his arms before sliding back down to my feet. He laces his fingers through mine, and we face the Virtue angel together.
Tristan prompts, “Are you both positive you want to do this?”
Jack and I look to each other, hating what we must do, but knowing it must be done. We answer in sullen unison, “Yes.”
Tristan takes our entwined hands in his, one on top, one on the bottom. He asks, transferring his gaze between us, “You understand the pain this will cause because I’m not of the Light?”
I hum my acknowledgment, readying myself for the onslaught of pain I remember from losing my bond with Solas. Jack nods. “Just do it.”
Tristan releases his wicked, black wings. Eric steps back, there to witness the event as well as protect us should anything happen. Tristan begins an Enochian chant I don’t understand. Sweat breaks across my skin. Jack squeezes my hand tighter. Suddenly, we double over in pain, landing on our knees. Tristan persists in his chant, keeping a firm hold on our hands. Agony shoots from my core, down my spine. My wings flare out of my body as do Jack’s, tangling us together. My vision is engulfed in darkness, an invisible fire blazing throughout my body. I can feel nothing but fire. My body twists and shakes with convulsions. My bond to Jack pulls me to him like a magnet. Just as I feel his touch, a sonic boom throws us away from each other, our bond snapping in the process.
A high pitched ringing fills my ears through the silence. Footsteps begin pounding down the dungeons. There’s yelling. I open my eyes, but dizziness puts me back on the ground. I can’t stop shaking, a coldness running through my veins.
I’m lifted from the ground. As I attempt to force my eyes open, I catch sight of Jack being carried out of the cell by Eric and Camael before they fall shut again. The arms around me burn through my clothes, I’m so cold, but I know Solas’ touch from anywhere.
The Helio Trilogy: Volumes 1-3 Page 79
