by C. A. Szarek
When her face fell and her dark eyes misted over, Nate wanted to swallow his tongue.
She broke their eye contact and made a fist. “Get out before I shoot your ass.”
Choking back an honest-to-God sob, Nate turned on his heel and walked out of the love of his life’s little New York City apartment. He slammed the door and didn’t look back.
Lee refused to crumble. But when the door to her apartment slammed, it rocked her to her very soul. Tears cascaded.
He left.
No. You ordered him gone, what did you expect?
Nate had promised he’d never leave.
“Heh. You ruined that. Got what you wanted, right?”
She’d ruined it.
The one she actually wanted wasn’t strong enough to put up with her shit after all.
Why did it hurt so bad?
Doubling over on the edge of the couch, Lee grabbed her stomach and whimpered. Only in lieu of screaming.
She bit into her bottom lip until she tasted the metallic tang of blood, but the physical pain gave her something to focus on. However, it didn’t even put a dent in the white-hot, searing hole that used to be her heart.
Lee didn’t want him gone at all. Wanted him on the couch right now. Holding her. Not judging her when she cried. He’d listen when she complained Liv was making her take time off. Remind her she could use a break. Hell, maybe he’d even offer to stay in town… Or ask her to go with him back to Texas.
She could inhale his clean, masculine scent and clutch his shirt. Bury her face against his warmth. Feel his lips on her temple. He’d rub her back like he always did. Wipe her tears away. Kiss her when she was ready.
Realisation smacked into her and Lee’s body flushed with shock. Her pain sharpened like a dagger slicing into her. She couldn’t breathe and her vision danced.
I love Nate.
He loved her, too.
Nate had tried to tell her twice. And what had she done? Ignored him the first time, and shut him down the second.
I love him.
He…loves…me.
Fuck.
She crushed her eyes shut, but it did nothing to stop the tears. Lee shot to her feet and grabbed the bottle of whisky, flinging it against the living room wall. It shattered, filling her nose with the sweet scent of Jack Daniel’s as the amber washed her white wall.
Lee hadn’t taken a drink.
Why was it always the anger first? At the first sign of challenge, she always shut out all reason. Saw red and couldn’t wade through it. Lee could have told him.
Explained to Nate she’d triumphed over temptation. Told the little devil to go back to hell and leave her alone. She wasn’t going to throw her life away.
Beyond smelling the drink, she’d not taken even one sip. As a matter of fact, the smell of the alcohol had turned her stomach instead of whetting her appetite.
She couldn’t do it. Ruin two years of recovery from addiction—and the guilt of relying on what had taken Dylan and Russ from her.
Lee couldn’t shit on the new life she had in New York City, no matter how reluctant she’d been to leave Dallas.
Couldn’t disappoint Liv. Or Clint. Her partner might not know of her past, but if she fucked up, he sure as hell would be clued in. They were just starting to be real partners. She liked him… Cared for him.
“Nate jumped to conclusions.” Hearing her own shaky, fragmented voice made her hurt even more.
Weak. Unacceptable.
Lee had come to rely on him. Hardly even thought about Dylan and Russ when she was with him. Had started to forge a new…family with Nate?
“No.”
Bile rose and her throat burned. Her stomach lurched and Lee made a mad dash into her kitchen and knocked the lid off her trash can just in time to lose the meagre contents of her stomach. The early lunch of a bagel with cream cheese because she’d been starving when she’d walked in the door.
She vomited twice, hitting her knees hard on the linoleum, but she didn’t care if she ended up with bruises.
Nothing less than she deserved.
After hugging her trash can and waiting for round three, Lee pushed to shaky legs and sucked in a deep breath.
She’d never been upset enough to make herself throw up before.
Lee hiccupped and wiped her face.
Water.
Her mouth tasted like ass.
More tears were born when she saw the dozen red roses in one of the two actual glass glasses she owned. He’d even taken the care to make sure they were sitting in enough water. The little packet of flower food rested on the counter.
Damn him.
Her fingers shook when she caressed one dark red petal. It was soft and made her ache all over again.
She swiped at her wet cheeks to no avail. Lee had cried more tonight than she had in the last six years.
Cursing herself to hell and back, she reached for the cupboard and tried not to think of the words he’d flung at her.
‘You stay here, drink yourself to death. Hell, get in a car again and get yourself killed. Which is what you wanted in the first place, wasn’t it?’
A sob ripped from her mouth, even though she fought it. Lee crushed her eyes shut again and shook from head to foot, leaning into her counter so she wouldn’t fall on her ass.
Visions of Jeremy Stewart dying in her arms danced in her head.
“No!” She didn’t want to die.
She’d lost a man she’d loved, and a child who had been her life. If nothing else, losing them had taught her life was precious.
Not that her choice of alcoholism had proved it.
Now she’d lost Nate, too.
“Stop!” Her mind chose to ignore her shout. Her thoughts churned and no amount of closing her eyes was going to fix it.
Lee snatched a cup from above her, yanked the faucet on and filled it. She downed two servings until she almost choked.
Her stomach jumped again, but she swallowed until the urge to puke subsided. She dropped the cup into the sink and gripped the edge until her fingers whitened.
“What am I going to do?”
‘You’ll still be alone for the rest of your fucking life.’
No.
Lee didn’t want to be alone.
She wanted Nate.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Besides the three AA meetings she’d forced herself to attend, Lee spent her ‘vacation’ in bed. She couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t bear for anyone to see her as weak—even Clint. So when the first week came to an end, she called Liv.
Her boss had about fallen over when she’d agreed to take another week off. She hadn’t told Liv the why.
Lee was sick as a dog, too.
Experience told her she was an expert at making herself ill—she’d stayed in bed for the entire week after losing Russ and Dylan, but that wasn’t like this time.
Losing Nate was sharper, of course, and made her a wreck, but the vomiting wouldn’t stop. No matter what she ate or when she ate it, she had to run to the bathroom or the nearest receptacle. It got so bad she’d finally dragged the trashcan from her bedroom and hauled it around her apartment with her.
Her head spun, she was dizzy all the time.
Welcome to the flu, Lee Dawson.
Just what she needed after losing the love of her life.
After a week and a half, Lee called the doctor. Over the counter meds weren’t helping.
She hated going to the doctor, and she’d been told over the years she was a horrible patient by family and the medical profession alike.
Go. Fig.
They should make a support group—Control Freaks Anonymous.
Lee needed to kick whatever bug she had going on so she could get back to work before anything Caselli court-related required her presence.
The bastard was recovering nicely, and even though the trial was likely months away, there was much prep to do. Both for the prosecution and the FBI. Lee felt like an ass that Clint had to hand
le it on his own for now.
Some of Caselli’s guys had agreed to testify against him, so they were all in protective custody. They were added to the list that included Carlo Maldonado and Bruno Gallo, who were already in prison and had talked.
Eric Norton had left her a message on her cell asking for a call to set up a meeting—she hadn’t the strength to call him back yet. No clue if the prosecutor wanted to go over reports or prep her for the stand, but he’d have to wait until she didn’t feel like crap.
Her partner had checked in a few times. She’d lied her ass off, told him she was enjoying the break and was indeed taking it easy. If he hadn’t believed her, Lee couldn’t tell. Damn good thing he wasn’t into Skype because she looked like death warmed over. Couldn’t fake that on camera. Voice, however, she did okay with.
Thank God he hadn’t asked if she’d talked to Nate.
Nate…
He’d been gone two weeks, and each day that passed, Lee died a little more inside.
He hadn’t called, texted or emailed.
Not that she blamed him.
Lee owed him one big, fat apology.
Funny thing was the words he’d flung at her that day… Horrible horrible things to say, no doubt. But not even one ounce of Lee believed Nate had believed what he’d said.
It was just like her self-deprecation tendencies to stick up for a guy who’d crushed her on purpose, but it didn’t change the way she felt.
He’d been angry. Hurt. All in reaction to what she’d said… What she’d demanded from him. She didn’t blame him.
If Nate owed her an apology, Lee owed him an even bigger one. For stringing him along—both in Texas and in New York. For not being honest with him or herself. For giving him her body and withholding her heart.
Or so she’d thought. Her heart had been his long ago. Waaaaaaaay before she’d admitted it to herself.
Too bad it’s not fair to admit it to him now.
God knew Lee was going to love Nate for the rest of her life.
Even though she couldn’t have him.
Understanding that made it easier to move on, in a way. She was still hurt that he’d kept his knowledge of her past from her, but she kept asking herself why she was so upset, and the only answer was something would embarrass her to admit out loud.
You’re one proud son of a bitch, Lee Dawson.
Pride.
Fear…that he wouldn’t see her as the same person. Not that she was perfect, by any means, but Nate…
He was gorgeous, funny, idealistic. Caring. Loving. Perfect.
Basically, with all the skeletons in her closet, she wasn’t good enough for Nate Crane.
No matter how she felt about him.
Lee sucked in her cheek and bit down when her vision blurred.
Jesus, get over yourself!
Her emotions were all over the place and she couldn’t patch herself up. No matter how many pep talks she shouted in her head.
“Mrs Dawson?” The young nurse looked up over a clipboard, a smile on her face.
“Ms, actually.” Lee scrambled to her feet from the chair in the bright lobby. Prayed her stomach wouldn’t revolt. The drive over had been okay. She’d brought a bottle of water, the only thing her body could seem to handle.
“Oh, sorry about that.” Tucking a blonde wisp behind her ear, the girl smiled again.
“No problem.”
“Follow me, you’ll be in exam four.”
While going through the routine of vitals and general questions, Lee made her shoulders loosen. She held her back straight, but not tensed. She shook her limbs out and took as many deep breaths as she could manage.
It wasn’t like she was dying or anything, just had a stomach bug that wouldn’t quit.
“All right, hop up on the table, and Dr Hawkins will be with you in a few minutes.”
Lee nodded and thanked the nurse. With a smile, the young RN slipped out into the hallway.
Nerves twisted her stomach every moment that ticked away at the loud clock on the wall. She studied the face to distract herself. It was made for a doctor’s office. Each of the numbers was represented by a tool of the trade—the twelve was a stethoscope, there was a Band-Aid, blood pressure monitor, etc. A red caduceus held the hour and minute hand on, which were both shaped like syringes.
The clock was nice—sorta. Although, watching the time go by was making her even more of a wreck.
Lee didn’t do doctors. Unless she was passed out or bleeding from a bullet wound.
She actually jumped when he came into the room.
“Hello, Selena, I’m Dr Hawkins.” He was young, had a smile on his handsome face, and an iPad tucked under one arm. He threw his hand out for a shake, and she obliged, ignoring the tremor in her fingers.
Relax. He’s not going to eat you.
“Lee, I go by Lee.” Her voice cracked and she sat a little taller, trying not to wince as the tissue paper under her ass rustled.
“All right, Lee. What seems to be the problem today?” Dr Hawkins took a seat on the stool and rolled closer to the exam table.
Lee’s stomach fluttered and she launched into her issue—the physical one, anyway.
He nodded a few times and hit several places on the screen of his tablet. She couldn’t see the screen and it made her antsy. Lee couldn’t sit still.
“Fever?” Dr Hawkins asked when he met her gaze.
“Not that I noticed. Didn’t take my temp.”
“No problem. Amanda noted your temperature is normal today.”
He asked a few more questions, each one twisting up her stomach a bit more. She screamed at herself to relax. It wasn’t as though there was some magic answer. He couldn’t simply look at her to diagnose whatever was wrong.
“Well, let’s do some blood work and see where we’re at. I’m not liking that you can’t keep anything down. You need to stay hydrated.”
“Water’s about the only thing my stomach doesn’t revolt against.”
Dr Hawkins gave a small smile. “Good, at least you’re drinking enough.”
Drinking. The word always zoned her mind right to the forbidden. Lee blew out a breath and forced a nod. Ignored the memory of the amber liquid dousing her wall the day Nate had left.
She didn’t miss the Jack Daniel’s.
Lee missed Nate.
Three meetings had put her back on track mentally as far as being an alcoholic was concerned. It didn’t fix her broken heart, or her regret. “Do I have to go to a lab or something?”
“No, we can do it in office and get the results within about thirty minutes. One stop shop. I’ll have my nurse come get you in a few.”
“Thanks, Dr Hawkins.”
Once again the doctor smiled and offered a handshake. He glanced down at the iPad’s screen. “Looks like I’ve been listed as your doctor for almost two years, yet this is the first time you’ve come to see me?”
Lee grimaced. “Well, I’m…pretty healthy. Usually.”
“The older we get, the more important those yearly physicals are.” The words were light, and he winked, but she heard the gentle admonishment.
“I’ll keep that in mind, Dr Hawkins.”
“Good. I’ll send Amanda for you in a few.”
Waiting for the results of the blood draw about killed her.
Amanda, the cute little blonde nurse, put her back in the exam room to wait for the doctor, and the only thing Lee could hear was the tick of that stupid clock. It got louder with each passing second.
She glared at the stupid thing, but it didn’t stop time, speed it up, or help Dr Hawkins appear any faster—damn the man.
Lee wanted to go home. Get the required meds for her tummy bug and be alone.
When he finally opened the door, she jumped again.
The grin on his face fell off a bit, and his brows drew tight. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. I should’ve knocked. I usually do.”
“It’s okay. Just wasn’t expecting you. Lost in t
hought.”
“Well, if you were worried, you can stop now. I’ve got you figured out.”
She waited for him to continue, but he paused. For dramatic effect or if the jerk just enjoyed it, Lee was so done. Tried not to glare at the man, since he’d been kind to her. “Well, what’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing.” Leaning on the counter behind him, Dr Hawkins crossed one leg in front of the other and flashed a grin.
“Nothing? Then why do I feel like ass?”
“You’re not sick. But you might want to get a supply of saltines and ginger ale. It might make the coming months a little easier.”
“What?” Lee’s mind started to spin and her heart kicked into overdrive.
“Congratulations. You’re pregnant.”
* * * *
“You sure about this, little brother?” Pete’s words were a question, but his green eyes held pride when their gazes met.
Nate smiled. “Yes. Never been so sure about anything in my life.”
His older brother threw his hand out, a grin on his face. “Good deal.”
He took the invitation for a shake, but yanked Pete into an embrace, too. His brother’s gorgeous wife, Nikki, stood to the side, a wide smile on her face in the empty foyer of Nate’s huge house.
Nate released Pete, but his brother held his forearm and squeezed. “I’m gonna miss having you around.”
“Me too.” He smiled and hugged his waiting sister-in-law.
Nikki kissed his cheek. “I’ll miss you, too. There’ll be no one to help me and Andi keep Petey in check. We can’t do it all. Big job.”
His brother growled and grabbed her, laying a kiss on her mouth that made Nate’s gut ache with envy.
Nikki’s giggle was cut off as she wrapped her arms around her husband and kissed him back with enthusiasm.
Lee.
Monday would make it four weeks since he’d left her. A month that had just about killed him.
He’d wrapped up his last trial in lieu of handing it off. Nate had won the case, too—put away two serial burglars being tried together. It wasn’t a murder or anything, but it’d been quick and had helped him say a proper goodbye to Dallas—his office, co-workers and boss. He’d miss them, but he was looking forward to starting over in New York.
