“You don’t understand,” Jules told her. “A novel has to have a plot and characters you care about and some sort of conflict and then a nice, neat ending where everything gets all wrapped up. You can’t just talk about a dead potato bug on a sidewalk for three hundred pages and call it a book.”
“Hey, Mom never said your book had to be any good, did she?” Brooke asked hopefully.
“I’m not even sure I can write a crappy book at this point,” Jules said.
“You’ll think of something,” Brooke told her. She nodded her head emphatically, and Jules couldn’t help but laugh at the way her foil horn bobbed up and down when she did.
“Don’t tell Alexis, okay?” Jules said. “The last thing I need is her getting on my case.”
“Speaking of Alexis . . . What are we going to do?” Brooke wanted to know.
“The only thing we can do,” Jules said. She got up, flipped on the TV and settled in on the couch. “Absolutely nothing.”
Lexi
The cute guy across the bar had been eyeing her for close to an hour, and Lexi was working it with everything she had. She knew she was drunk, but he was definitely hot, there was no question about it. Dark hair, dark eyes, tall and lean with the chiseled features she loved. She’d unbuttoned her shirt all the way down, so now there was just a knot between her boobs. If she played this right, she might even have a bed to sleep in tonight. She locked eyes with him and sucked on her straw suggestively. He smiled and gave her a little wave.
Bingo.
She picked up her glass and sauntered over with one hand in her skirt pocket, pushing it way down to give him a good look at her impossibly flat stomach. She stumbled just before she reached him, and he caught her deftly before she went down.
“Hey,” she slurred, steadying herself. “You’re pretty cute.”
“And you’re pretty drunk.” He laughed and held out his hand. His teeth were so white and straight they looked like the picture on the box the toothpaste tube came in. “I’m Rob.”
“Lex—Alexis,” she said, shaking his big warm hand. “Nice teeth.”
“Nice to meet you, Lex-Alexis. And thanks.”
“Sorry, it’s just Alexis,” she said. She sank into the seat next to him and moved in close to him, resting her hand high on his thigh. “And you’re welcome.”
“What brings a pretty girl like you to a dump like this?” Rob asked, moving her hand closer to his knee.
“Oh, you know, I was going to hook up with some friends but they bailed on me.” She pushed his hand away and moved her own hand all the way to the crook between his leg and his crotch.
“I think you should probably go home,” Rob said, grabbing her hand harder this time.
“I think I should probably go to your home,” she purred. She leaned in as close as she could and rubbed her breast on his arm. Her nipples perked up immediately and she watched him pretending not to notice.
“I don’t think that’s such a great idea,” he said, pulling away from her.
“Come on, it’ll be fun, and you don’t even have to buy me anything. I have a bunch of cash tonight. I give great blow jobs, ask anybody.”
“Alexis, how about I give you a ride home? To your home. Alone.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she spat. She wobbled as she got off her barstool and he grabbed her arm to steady her again. She pulled away. “You’ve been practically raping me from over here with your eyes all night. I just offered you free head—and that was just going to be the beginning, by the way—and you want to give me a ride home? Are you married? Because I don’t give a shit if you are, I’ll still blow you. Or are you fucking gay? Is that it?”
“Actually, I’m a cop,” he said. He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and flipped it open on the bar. There was a shiny metal badge in there, just like in the movies.
“I didn’t do anything wrong,” she said instinctively, pulling away from him. Did he know she’d stolen money from that house? She hadn’t propositioned him, had she? No, she’d offered it for free. She was positive.
“You came pretty damned close,” he said, standing. He threw forty bucks on the bar. “I’ve got you tonight. Look, you’re a beautiful girl, Alexis. Stunning, actually. And you’re right, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. But you’re drunk, and you’re trouble, and I’m taking you home.” He put his arm protectively around her and tried to take a step but her feet were planted firmly in place.
“Come on, Alexis, let’s go. You’ll thank me tomorrow. Where do you live? It doesn’t matter if it’s far. I don’t have anywhere I need to be.” He smiled at her warmly.
“I live in the pit of hell,” she said. She released her death grip on the floor and let him guide her out of Rusty’s and into a squad car.
“Can we put on the siren and go really fast?” she asked with a hiccup as he slid into the driver’s seat.
“I could lose my job if I did that,” he said. “But keep your eye out for perps. If you see anything going on, you tell me and we’re on it.” She wanted to melt into that sexy smile of his.
“Do you ever do it in here? I’m not saying I want to or anything, so don’t arrest me, okay? I’m just curious.”
Rob just laughed. “Where am I going, Alexis?”
“Head up Tampa to Plum or Plummer or whatever it’s called and take a right,” she told him. “I live back there. I don’t know the name of the street but I’m pretty sure I can find it.”
“New to town?” Rob asked.
“I’m sort of staying with my sister for a while,” she told him. “Hey, can we pretend that you’re there to arrest her when we get there? That would be so awesome.” Lexi doubled over laughing at the thought of it.
“Again, my supervisor probably wouldn’t think that was so awesome,” he chuckled.
“You sure you don’t want to go back to your place first? I’m not a hooker or anything, I swear.”
“Then why did you say I didn’t even have to buy you anything?” Rob wanted to know.
“I was just being straight up,” Lexi said with a shrug. Men had offered her money for sex before, but they were usually fat, disgusting old creeps she wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. But with this guy? She’d gladly give it up for free all night long.
“You know that sex in exchange for anything is prostitution, right? And that it’s against the law?” Rob asked.
“Of course I do,” Lexi assured him. “My friend Tiffany makes serious bank banging these rich Arab guys who come to L.A. all the time. She’s been trying to introduce me to her pimp forever. I think his name is like Brock or Beck or something fucked up like that—”
“Hello? Cop over here, remember?” Rob said, shaking his head. He turned onto Plummer. “Where now, Julia Roberts?”
Lexi instructed him to take a right here, and then another right, and then three lefts and a right.
“Alexis, we just went in a giant circle,” Rob said.
“Fine,” she said. “Third shithole on the left.”
He pulled up to the curb in front of Jules’s ugly little house and Lexi could see the living room lights were on. She hoped it was just Brooke watching some sappy Hallmark movie and not Jules and Shawn, too.
“You sure you can’t come in and fake-arrest my sister?” she pleaded.
“As much as I’d love to, no, I can’t,” he said. “Let me walk you up.”
“That would be great. My sisters probably wouldn’t murder me in front of a cop.” He jumped out and raced around the front of the squad car to open her door for her. When he slammed it behind her, the neighbor’s dog started barking like crazy.
“Do you have a stun gun on you?” Lexi asked as they walked up the front path.
“For that dog?” he laughed.
“No, for my sisters,” Lexi told him.
Jules
“Oh
shit,” Jules said, peering out the window. Brooke jumped up from the couch, spilling the air-popped popcorn that was in her lap all over the floor. The two watched as Lexi stumbled up the path with a strange guy who either was a police officer or had stolen a squad car. Neither would have been a surprise.
“Mom, I’m home,” Lexi called, swinging the door open dramatically. She gasped when she saw her sisters’ foil-wrapped heads. “What the fuck?” Brooke patted her head self-consciously.
“‘What the fuck’ is right,” Jules said, marching over to Lexi and the undeniably hot man she had in tow. “Is this guy a cop? Did you get arrested?”
“No, I didn’t get arrested. This is my friend Rob. Officer Rob. He just gave me a ride home. It’s all good,” Lexi slurred.
Rob stuck out his hand. “Officer Robert Cooper. Nice to meet you.”
“I’m Alexis’s sister, Jules Richardson,” she said, shaking his hand.
“Richardson! Shit, I knew that,” Lexi said. She thumped herself on the head and stumbled.
“This is our other sister, Brooke Alexander,” Jules said, nodding at Brooke.
“Nice hats,” Rob said. He shook Brooke’s hand and she blushed deeply.
“Oh, this, we . . . well . . . we were doing deep-conditioning treatments,” Jules said, touching the foil. “It’s all the rage in the fancy spas.”
Rob laughed. “The horn’s a nice touch. You might want to get your sister some aspirin and some water and put her to bed.”
“So she’s really not under arrest?” Jules asked. Relief flooded over her. Bail money was definitely not in her budget this month.
“Not at the moment,” Rob said. “But if I were you, I’d keep a close eye on her.”
“Easier said than done,” Jules told him.
“Thanks for the ride, Rob,” Lexi said, giving him a hug. “Sorry—Officer Cooper.”
He pulled out his wallet and handed her a business card. “You call me if you ever need anything, okay, Alexis?”
“You might regret that offer,” she said, tucking the card into her front pocket. She was grinning like a fool and swaying like a flag in the breeze. Jules watched her, unsure how she should feel. Lexi was alive and she wasn’t in trouble. And it was indeed a rare treat to see her sister looking genuinely happy, she had to admit. She just wished Lexi didn’t need mind-altering chemicals to flip that switch, and she was furious she hadn’t even had the decency to let them know she was okay.
“I’m sure I will,” Rob said to all three sisters, flashing a cartoon-hero smile. “Good night, ladies.”
When Rob was gone, Jules unleashed the full force of her fury.
“You couldn’t even call, for God’s sake? You know that we were worried sick, right? And that we had no idea how to find you or where to even start looking? And we called your phone and got some guy who said you’d stolen all of his money and he was throwing your phone off a bridge. Alexis, what the hell happened? And why aren’t you wearing any shoes?” She knew it was a ridiculous thing to add, but honestly, who went around barefoot at night?
“I lost my phone.” Lexi shrugged. She wobbled dangerously as she walked to the kitchen. “Hey, you got anything to eat? I’m starving.”
“Alexis, don’t walk away when I’m talking to you,” Jules shouted.
“I love that song!” Alexis said. She closed her eyes and belted out an incomprehensible tangle of lyrics. She was stumbling and swaying, and Jules had had enough.
“Alexis, I mean it,” Jules said, grabbing Lexi’s arm and spinning her around so that they were nose to nose. Her fingers were digging into Lexi’s flesh. “I know I’m not your mother. But as long as you’re staying here for free, you have to be respectful. And responsible. And if you can’t, you can find somewhere else to live.” Sure, it was exactly the same thing as “As long as you live under my roof you’ll abide by my rules,” but at least she’d paraphrased it.
“You’re killing me with the alien brain shield,” Lexi said, pulling her arm from Jules’s grip. She must have jerked harder than she meant to, and when she did, she began to tumble in slow motion toward the floor. Before Jules could even lift an arm to try to stop her, Lexi’s forehead smacked the corner of the kitchen table with a sickening crack. Jules watched helplessly as she landed facedown on the linoleum, her face resting in a widening pool of blood.
“Lexi!” Jules shrieked, reaching for her.
“Don’t move her!” Brooke shouted, racing toward them. “I’ve seen it on TV. You’re never supposed to move the body!”
Lexi lifted her face a tiny bit and groaned. Blood was gushing from a deep gash above her eye and running down the side of her head and puddling in her hair. Jules grabbed a dish towel and held it on Lexi’s head. The color drained from Brooke’s face, and she held on to the kitchen counter to steady herself. She’d never had a stomach for the sight of blood, Jules recalled.
“I’m okay,” Lexi said, wincing from the pain. “Heads just bleed a lot. Happens all the time. Trust me. I’ll be fine.”
“Brooke, get her some ice,” Jules commanded. Brooke did as she was told, obviously grateful for an excuse to look away. She handed Jules a few cubes of ice wrapped in a paper towel and then lowered herself into one of the rickety kitchen chairs. It let out a groan and Jules hoped it wouldn’t break. That was all they needed.
The girls sat in silence while Jules held the ice on Lexi’s head for several minutes. The blood flow finally started to slow.
“Do you want to try to get up?” Jules asked. Her own hands were covered in blood.
Lexi nodded, and her two sisters helped her carefully to her feet.
“I think we should get you into the shower,” Jules said. Lexi’s hair was a rat’s nest of knots and blood and Jules didn’t even want to imagine what else.
Lexi nodded, looking dazed.
“Actually, I’ll get her cleaned up and you take care of this mess, okay Brooke?” Jules said. “I don’t want Shawn having to come home to that.” Brooke nodded. Her face was starting to look normal again.
“I actually would have called if I hadn’t lost my phone,” Lexi said as Jules led her to the bathroom. “I don’t know your number by heart, and I couldn’t remember your last name. I’m an asshole. I’m sorry.”
“Okay, it’s okay,” Jules soothed. She’d forgotten all about being pissed off at Lexi, and besides, it was hard to be mad at someone who was crusted in blood and calling herself an asshole. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Let’s just get you cleaned up and into bed, okay?”
Jules turned on the water for her sister and helped her undress, trying not to stare at the scars that were scattered around her perfect body or let herself wonder how they got there.
“I’ll wait here in case you need me,” she said as Lexi stepped into the steamy shower. Jules sat on the toilet and waited, a fresh, dry towel folded in her lap.
Brooke
“Sorry about the lice thing,” Brooke said to Jules. It had taken two full weeks of combing and sticky, messy oil treatments, but Brooke was pretty sure they were bug-free. Mercifully—and miraculously, what with all of the bed swapping—Shawn and Lexi had been spared. Brooke cringed at the thought of combing through Lexi’s lush mane a hundred or more times, or having to get up close to that angry-looking gash on her head. At least it was finally starting to heal up.
“It’s okay,” Jules whispered. Lexi was still asleep in the office and Brooke knew why she didn’t want to wake her. Things were always easiest—and calmest—when Lexi was asleep. “You were right. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. Just gross. And my hair looks really great after all of those oil treatments. I’m thinking the whole thing could make a good scene for my book. I just have to figure out the big picture and where it might fit in.”
“Maybe that’s it!” Brooke shouted. “Maybe you can write a book about us. An autobiography, or a memoir
. Mom never said you had to write a novel, did she? She just said a book. Just make me skinny, is all I ask. What do you think?”
“I’m not sure we’re interesting enough for a memoir,” Jules told her.
“Are you serious? Awesome dead dad, wacko dead mom, the will, the conditions, Alexis and all of her crazy antics . . . What else could anyone possibly ask for?”
Jules considered this for a moment. “The problem is,” she said finally, “I’d have to finish it without knowing how the story ends.”
“What do you mean, you won’t know how the story ends? We get tons of money and you’re a famous author and I’m a runner and have a fabulous new boyfriend and Alexis . . . Alexis is . . . well, she’s employed somewhere. That’s all I know. But I think that would be perfect. Seriously, you’d probably sell the movie rights, too.” Obviously Megan Fox would play Lexi, and Scarlett Johansson without makeup would make a pretty good Jules. Who would play Brooke? It was too bad Kate Winslet was so old; she had a killer body, curvy and strong and not too skinny . . .
“I like it, I do,” Jules said, interrupting her fantasy. “Let me see if any of my writing books talk about memoirs.” She pulled a fat stack of books from her bookshelf. When she did, a pad of paper slipped to the floor. “Holy crap, look at this,” she said as she picked up the pad and began flipping through its pages. She held the pad up so Brooke could see. “These are the most incredible sketches I’ve ever seen. Did you do these?”
“Are you kidding me?” Brooke asked, peering over her shoulder. “I can’t even draw a stick figure! My students make fun of me all the time when I even try.”
“I can’t draw, either,” Jules said. “Do you think Lexi did them?”
Brooke shrugged. Wouldn’t they know it if their own sister was some sort of art prodigy? “Does Shawn draw?” she asked. She took the pad from Jules to get a closer look.
“I guarantee you that your stick figure would kick Shawn’s stick figure’s ass in a fight,” Jules insisted.
Everything's Relative Page 11
