She couldn’t hear it anymore.
At all.
She opened her eyes, released her knees, and looked at William.
‘What did he say, Caroline?’
She gave an absurd laugh. ‘Please. Drew said please. Every time he wailed he said, please. I told Alex, but he said I imagined it. The stress made me imagine it. He said the horrible ordeal I survived made me want to believe it, except I listened to Drew all day, every day, and it was clear. He said please, and I told him I understood. I knew what he wanted. I told Alex what Drew wanted, but he didn’t believe me or didn’t want to believe me. Drew said it all the time, in every cry, with every moan. It was a weedy sound, the kind a sick child makes. I heard it all the time. All the time.’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t hear it anymore.’
Will took her hand.
‘After that, the rest of me sort of fell away. I heard that sound, but it was as if I stood in the aisle at the cinema, watching myself on an IMAX screen. It was me, but not me, and I didn’t feel anything. All sorts of disjointed things went through my head. My memory of stuff is disorganized. I remember Alex yelling at me, saying I was stupid for trying to kill myself, but I don’t remember trying to kill myself. I don’t remember taking a handful of sleeping pills. What I do remember is that the clock in the kitchen needed a new battery. I remember thinking about Mandy Patinkin in The Princess Bride, and then walking around the house yelling, Hello! My name is Caroline Reginaldi, you killed my brother, prepare to die! I remember how angry that made Alex. I remember making Drew chicken soup with rice and putting it in the blender. I remember watching a Meryl Streep movie where she had terminal cancer, and thinking how easy the movie made it seem to do, but I don’t remember mixing my sleeping tablets with the chicken soup and liquid morphine, or feeding it to Drew.’
Will nodded to himself. ‘That’s why you told me it was easy.’
‘Mm-hm.’ ‘There were police reports, lots of legal mumbo jumbo, and a few psychological interviews before my lawyer pled diminished capacity in exigent circumstances, or something like that. I don’t remember the arraignment. I was sentenced, without a trial, to sixteen months in a psychiatric hospital. My mother-in-law went wild, but my father-in-law understood. Alex was very supportive, very understanding—until I said I didn’t want to see him ever again, and had him banned from visiting.’
Caroline sighed. ‘I suppose you never know what you’re capable of when you love someone, the things you do because of love. I think I did it for him. It wasn’t for me. That’s how I settle my mind. I know I did it for Drew. I did what he wanted, what he asked me to do because I loved him. I can’t make it better for anyone else, and there’s no way I can compensate Alex for ending his brother’s life, but now you know why his anger is justified.’
Caroline looked exhausted. There was nothing Will could do to relieve the anguish of her past, except perhaps to point out that she had surmounted the ordeal and found a way to live with it, but she already knew that.
Still, he wanted to say something. He put a hand to her cheek and slipped into his role of legal advisor. ‘It’s a difficult issue, like assisted suicide, and it doesn’t seem to be addressed enough. Sometimes when some injury has been committed, a client or a hospital patient sues for malpractice, and often the only thing people really want is an apology. They don’t really want the money, or restitution or punishment, they only want someone to say I’m sorry. Caroline, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to ease your distress or soothe your heart. I can’t think of any way to take care of this for you.’
Caroline placed her hand over the top of his, her smile tentative and hopeful. ‘Maybe you could stay here and let me be your sock monkey for a little while.’
***
When Will woke the following morning, he was alone with Batman snuggled into the crook of his bent knees. The dog’s head rested on his thigh.
The masked face watched him wake up.
‘Badda dadda dadda dada da, Batman!’ Will rubbed the dog’s ears and waited for Caroline to come back to bed. When she didn’t, he frowned, climbed from the covers and pulled on his pants. One sock had come off overnight and was probably somewhere in the bedclothes. He pulled off his remaining sock and tossed it on top of his shirt and jacket.
‘Caroline?’ He called out as he left the bedroom, heading for the kitchen, expecting to find her there. Only she wasn’t. His fearful panic dissipated when he heard the washing machine in the kitchen pantry spinning a load of clothes.
Batman wandered past, pausing to yawn and stretch his front paws before he slipped out his dog door.
Barefoot, Will opened the French door and followed the dog outside into the nippy air. Sunshine bathed the terrace and Caroline’s clothesline, which was filled with a week’s worth of his business shirts pinned upside-down. The boxer shorts he’d left out on his line the day before were pinned beside her panties in neat rows, his socks hung in pairs next to hers.
Seeing his socks cued his brain into noticing his feet were freezing on the cold tiles. He went back inside, through her apartment, and across to his. Will went back to his kitchen, and that’s where she was, wearing her rosebud bathrobe. Her back to him, she ironed a light green shirt that wasn’t hers.
‘Good morning, William,’ she said without turning around.
Will moved behind her, pulling her against his bare chest, arms around her waist, nose nuzzling into her neck. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Ironing your shirt.’
‘I can see that. Why?’
‘I’ve missed ironing.’
‘You’re a funny little thing. I missed having you in bed, and you missed ironing. So why are you doing my laundry? Didn’t you have enough of your own things to wash and iron?’
‘I guess I’m playing house.’
‘You’re playing house? Is that like playing doctor?’
Caroline put her arms over the top of his and her head against his chest. ‘I’ve missed having a man’s shirt to iron. I’ve missed watching a man shave and having the smell of aftershave linger in the air. I’ve missed seeing a man’s clothes laying about the bedroom, and I’ve missed having a man share my bed. I’m playing house with your things and mine, washing them together and hanging them side-by-side on the clothesline. I really loved waking up with your head on my pillow this morning. I really loved finding you beside me in the middle of the night. I had to get up before you did so I wouldn’t wake up alone after you went home, and I don’t want to stop playing house quite yet.’
‘Thanksgiving is next week. You gonna cook us a turkey?’
With a laugh, she slipped from his embrace and switched off the iron. She took the shirt from the ironing board, slipped it on a hanger, and carried it through the dining room to his bedroom closet.
Will followed her.
She hung up his shirt, turned, and said, ‘Can I make you breakfast?’
‘You ironed and now you want to cook. You really are taking this June Cleaver thing seriously, aren’t you? Well, then, you should know, I send out my shirts to be pressed, I generally put away my clothes, I shave in the shower, and if it suits you I’ll be right beside you when you wake up tomorrow morning.’
‘My bed or yours?’
Will took her hand and sat her on the edge of his bed. There was an ideal answer to that question. The perfect way to take care of everything was in clear, sharp focus. ‘How about ours?’
‘Ours?’
He sat beside her. ‘I confessed some time ago how much I liked sleeping with you. You are the little sock monkey I had when I was four. I’d ask you to move in with me to save us the silly traveling from bed to bed every night. I know next door’s not that far to go, but if we got married we could knock out a couple of walls between the apartments. The bedrooms wouldn’t be any bigger and we’d still have to decide whose bed we like the best, but imagine how huge the kitchen would be.’
‘William?’ Caroline rose, and stared at him.
‘It wa
s pretty bad, wasn’t it? Let me try it again.’
‘Oh, my God, you aren’t kneeling, are you? You’re just crouching to get a better look at me because you aren’t wearing your contacts, right?’
‘What’s your middle name?’
‘My middle name?’
‘Yes.’
‘Caroline.’
‘Your middle name is Caroline? What’s your first name?’
‘Josephine. I was named after my father.’
‘Well, what do you know, so was I.’
‘I never knew your father was my father.’
‘Very funny. Dad was William too, but everyone called him Bill. That’s why I’m Will …’ He shook his head. ‘Hey, wait a minute, misdirecting attention is my trick, and you broke my cadence. Blush all you want to, be as shy and nervous as you can, because I’m not getting up until I’m done here. I love you. Life’s become extraordinary with you around and I figure a life together would be even more remarkable. I love you, Josephine Caroline Reginaldi Jones. Marry me.’
Caroline pulled him forward and kissed him, feverishly, her hands at the back of his head.
‘I hope that means yes,’ Will said.
Her mouth brushed against his ear, a chill shot along his spine, and tenderness evaporated. His intention to do this slow and gentle struck against flint and a tiny spark burst into a conflagration. Everything crackled and sizzled, and he opened his mouth under hers. Caroline kissed him, burning him everywhere her tongue slipped, everyplace she touched with her lips, everywhere her fingers ran, across the front of his chest, through his hair, along the waistband of his pants. She buried her lips in his neck, leaving grazing, scorching kisses that made him gasp out loud. He said, ‘I should probably get you a ring. Would you like a ring? I know your dad gave you all kinds of jewelry, but what would you like me to give you?’
‘Will you please shut up? You’re about to get lucky.’
‘I’m already lucky.’ Will untied the sash of her robe. It fell open to the subtle pink of her nakedness. He’d expected panties, but she wore nothing beneath the robe, and the breath snagged in his chest. He parted the fabric with the back of his hands and skated his fingertips from her collarbones to the tip of her breasts. ‘I got lucky that day chocolate milk spilled all over my shoes and you tipped me five bucks. Holy Jesus, you are beautiful.’
He got to his feet thinking that his skin looked cool, it always looked cool, but he wondered if he burned her the way she singed him.
Caroline reached out to his waist and unbuttoned his pants, unzipped his fly. She pushed his boxers and trousers down together, over his erection, and let the fabric fall to his knees. He kicked the pants off, and stood before her, his penis level with her face.
She giggled. ‘Is that a request?’ she said, leaning forward, her thumb and forefinger tracing a path along the shaft, her lips parting.
Laughing, Will took step back before she took him in her mouth and he flamed out before they even started. He opened a drawer in the nightstand and dug around inside. ‘No, we’re going to share this, like we do ice cream.’
‘That’s the most erotic thing I’ve ever heard.’
‘Ice cream is erotic?’
‘I’ve seen you lick your spoon.’ She looked at him, her gaze traveling from his feet to his eyes. ‘I love your tailor. That’s the nicest suit I’ve ever seen you wear.’
‘You want to try it on?’
The foil packet in his hand crinkled as she shrugged out of her robe. She said, ‘You think it’ll fit? You’ve sort of blown my L-Rule out of the water.’
He rushed forward and pushed her back, nudging her knees apart, his hips settling against her. ‘Small feet, big hands, and an even bigger … TV.’ That heat flared and he kissed her, his stubble scraping her cheek and chin. She nipped his bottom lip and dug her fingers into his back.
He said, ‘Am I crushing you?’
‘I want you to crush me, William,’ she said, out of breath.
‘You know, I love that you call me William.’ And then he was inside her, moving, thrusting, hard against her vulnerable, sensitive flesh. She pressed her feet into the edge of the mattress and rose to meet his thrust. He pushed into her, driving deeply.
‘William,’ she said and gasped.
Urgent fingers twisting in his hair, she bit his shoulder, kissed his neck, and then darted her tongue into his ear. ‘William,’ she whispered.
Palm flattened to the bed, he shoved an arm under her and flipped over. Her hair spilled into his face as her hands came down beside his ears, then she arched back and began to rock and rise. He pressed his hips up, reached out and circled his fingers around her nipples.
‘William,’ she said.
She rocked and twisted and arched, and he felt her tremble around him, felt her tighten. He thrust upward and she rose and fell in a rhythm he matched, and then his world dropped away. For a moment there was no sound, there was nothing but Caroline and overwhelming pleasure.
‘William,’ she said, laughing as she came half a second later.
And then Will started laughing too. ‘Yeah, my suit fits you really well.’
Snorting, catching her breath, she flopped on top of him. ‘Can we stay dressed this way?’
‘I like that idea, but eventually one of us is going to have to pee.’
‘Do you really want to get married?’ Caroline said, taking his hand to kiss his fingertips.
‘My mother doesn’t approve of living in sin, remember?’ he chuckled. ‘You want to marry me, don’t you?’
Caroline stopped kissing his fingers and drew back. ‘I don’t know.’
He looked at her with the most solemn expression she’d even seen on his broad face. ‘Do you love me?’ he asked softly.
She played with his fingers. ‘That’s supposed to be my line.’
‘Well, it’s mine now. Do you love me?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Yes you do. I know you do.’ He folded his fingers around hers.
‘What we have is good. I don’t want to spoil it.’
‘You don’t want to spoil it? How would getting married spoil anything?’
‘If it works like this, if it’s already extraordinary, why do we need to change it?’
‘Are you really that afraid?’
Caroline touched his brow. ‘As you’re so fond of pointing out, you’re older than me. What if … what if I had to pull your plug?’
He laughed at her absurd question. ‘So it is my age. Well, I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have pull that plug than you.’
‘This isn’t a joke, William. I’m serious.’
Will closed his eyes and sighed, unlocking their hands. ‘I’m sorry. I should have kept that to myself, shouldn’t I? Caroline, I think what you did for Drew was a very loving thing, but now you’re afraid of the unknown, and that’s what I think is silly. That’s why I laughed.’
‘Are you angry with me?’
‘No.’
‘Have I hurt you?’
Will sighed again and opened his eyes. He watched her sit up and slip off him. ‘No,’ he said. ‘You’ve disappointed me. But I suppose I rushed things.’
‘I don’t want to hurt you, William, but I don’t know if I can give you what you need, what you deserve.’
Will reached out to brush the hair from her face. ‘What I deserve? Listen, I realize I’ve made a stink about my age and I’m not exactly elderly, but I’ve learned to take life as it comes to me, and you’ve come to me, you’ve come with me, and I want you in my life. When I thought you were with Alex, I made it clear I was willing to be your man on the side, and you know what? I’m still willing to be your man next-door or anywhere as long as you let me, but humor me here, Caroline. You aren’t turning me down because you’re still in love with someone else, are you?’
Caroline blinked and spoke quietly, ‘Aren’t you still in love with Yvonne?’
‘What?’
‘Don’t you still
love your ex-wife?’
‘Some part of me will always care for her, but she’s my ex-wife. She’s been my former wife since nineteen seventy-nine, and while I may care about her I’m not in love with her. Have you been so tentative with me because of how things went with Drew and the relationship I have Vonnie?’
She nodded. ‘Yes. I think so. Maybe. I don’t know.’
‘Not because of Alex?’
‘Why are we talking about him again?’
‘Are you in love with Alex?’
‘You are angry.’ Caroline looked at William. There were two red spots on his cheeks.
She couldn’t deny she hated Alex and loved him in some unexplainable way that had nothing to do with sex or the relationship they had, and everything to do with the fact they had both loved Drew. She couldn’t figure out know how she felt about Alex now any more than she could figure out how she felt about William, and covered her face with both hands. There were too many feelings—overwhelming feelings—it was impossible to dig through the basket of tangled emotions and fix on one, it was impossible to know how she felt about William.
For a second, Will felt a monster in his chest, a monster with eyes the color of the scorching verdant chiles he liked in his Indian food, and packed the same wallop. He sat up and coughed to get rid of the blistering heat. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry I asked that question.’
With a sigh, she dropped her hands. ‘I’ve really hurt you, haven’t I?’
‘Maybe a little. Okay, a lot more than a little …’ Will scooted to the edge of the bed, his eyes settling on the bedside clock. ‘Look, I’m not running off with my tail between my legs, well, perhaps I kind of am, but …’ He got to his feet.
Caroline snatched at his arm and tried to circle his bulky wrist with her small hand. ‘Please give me time for this to feel normal,’ she said. ‘Let me get used to the idea that everything doesn’t have to be simply … adequate. Give me time to believe I can have something extraordinary with you because the fact you love me, that you’ve asked me to be your wife is mind-boggling, and I need to do one thing at a time. What I’m saying is I don’t want to give this up. Jesus, William, what if it doesn’t work out? I don’t want to hurt you and have you to wind up like … Alex. We were very close friends and I don’t want anything like that to happen with you too. Don’t go. Don’t say it’s all or nothing.’ She squeezed his wrist tighter, her voice constricted, ‘Please, William. Don’t go.
Next To You Page 28
