by TC Rybicki
“Here. Take one.”
“No thanks.”
“Sydney, please. You have to put something in your stomach.”
He wasn’t going to stop, so I accepted a cracker and mindlessly chewed. Paul approached us. It was odd I spent all this time avoiding this man and now our lives collided with this life or death situation. That first day at Dane’s, he seemed larger than life in a scary sort of way, but I’d been watching him off and on the past few hours. He reminded me more of Dane now. That was weird and hard to wrap my mind around.
“Hey, I know we’re all anxious for word, but I went across the street to the little motel and booked a few rooms, four actually. I’m not sure when RJ and Mark will be here, but I figured everyone wanted to stay close.”
“I can’t leave Gram.”
“Me either,” Mom stated.
“Yeah, I get it, but chances are you won’t be able to do anything for her tonight. I figured y’all needed a little rest, maybe freshen up. Your mother said someone’s bringing some clothes.”
“Yes, my friend, Nina.”
Paul looked at Dane with an odd expression. I wondered if he knew who Nina was and the connection to Dane. Mom said in all likelihood her brothers wouldn’t arrive until the morning. Dane told his father his mom had been texting. “She wants to know what is going on.”
“I know. I just got off the phone with her. I’m going home soon. I thought we’d know something by now.”
“You and me both. This is excruciating and for the love of God, do you think that woman can make her kids settle down? Someone should say something.”
That clueless young mother glared at me. I didn’t give a fuck if she heard me. Dane wrapped his arm around me. “I think someone just did.” He looked back and forth at the passing threats I sent with my stare. Dane turned my face toward his, “Syd, try to ignore it.”
“I can’t. That boy is a hellion!” The inept mom looked like she was going to stand up and I was prepared to say, “Bring it!” She should have secured her birth control five years ago and she wouldn’t be drawing this attention.
A nurse stepped out of the double doors about that time with her eyes focused solely on us. I stood up. “Josie Littlefield’s family? The doctor would like to speak to the immediate family.”
Mom and I qualified. Dane squeezed my fingers before we headed behind those doors. Those doors had separated me from my Gram all evening. I wanted nothing more than to burst through them all evening, but now I was afraid what I’d find on the other side.
She brought us to the first room on the right. The doctor was watching for us and followed us inside. I held my breath until I heard the word, “stabilized.” Good. I didn’t know much about medicine but that was a positive word.
Gram had lupus. She never told us. I don’t think she ever told anyone, and it had been manageable for years, but this past year she had been having a lot of problems. The doctor gave us a rundown of her full history. Everything sounded so grim. She had been experiencing kidney and heart issues. It was like her heart had a permanent virus. We listened, but finally, I interrupted, “How do you fix it?”
“Well, she’s stable, and her will is strong. The next few days are crucial.”
He said Gram would be in ICU a few days, but we were going to accompany her on the way up. Gram looked vulnerable for the first time. She was resting on a narrow gurney connected to so many tubes and wires. A ventilator breathed for her, but the doctor was hopeful she could be weaned off tomorrow. Mom insisted on staying. There was a family room for the ICU, but it wasn’t anything more than chairs that reclined. It was a bit strange to see Mom so concerned for another human being. I’d never seen her with her guard down.
“Go to the motel. I will text if there is even the slightest change.”
I didn’t want to be so far away, but I was also hopeful. She looked weak and sick, but not anything like she had looked on the floor not breathing. I thought about what Gram would say, and she’d say, ‘Sydney, girl get to bed. There’s work to be done tomorrow.’ I could almost hear her voice in my ear, so I kissed her cheek and whispered I’d be back first thing ready to talk, so she better be off that ventilator.
Dane and Paul met us in the waiting room. Mom pulled Paul aside, and I gave Dane the full report in private. Dane kept glancing at Mom and Paul. He finally interrupted them, “Sydney and I are going to get some sleep. You should go home, Dad.”
He was heavy on the word home. I got the idea every interaction between our parents made Dane feel bad for his mother. They only seemed friendly to me, but maybe it was a little too much connection for a couple that hadn’t seen each other in 30 plus years.
We stood in front of the motel clerk, “Is that one or two of the rooms?” Dane looked over at me.
I could not imagine being all alone tonight. “One please.”
Nina dropped off a bag while I was with Gram. I started unpacking to see what I had to work with. The first thing I found was a pair of Dane’s gym shorts. He shrugged, “She said she picked up any article of clothing that seemed male since she didn’t have a key to my place.”
“Oh, sure. Glad I had some of your things.”
“Do you want the bathroom first? You can have whichever bed you prefer.”
I didn’t want to think or decide anything because Gram had all my focus.
Dane came out of the shower tiptoeing around like he thought I might be asleep. I listened to him brush his teeth but kept silent. As soon as I heard him climb onto the other double bed, I spoke up. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I was giving you space.”
“Thanks, but I’d sleep better if you were closer. At least, I hope that’s the case.”
The bed shifted as Dane climbed under the covers. I could smell his soapy scent and hear his breathing. His familiar presence comforted me. Flashbacks forced a flushing all throughout my body. I wasn’t angry about Dane hiding the letters any longer. I wasn’t sure if I voiced that clearly during our discussion. The afternoon seemed a lifetime ago, and I couldn’t even remember all that was said.
“Dane, I forgive you. It was a complicated matter. I understand that now.”
He reached for my hand, “Josie’s going to be fine.”
“I know,” but I didn’t know. I said what I wanted to hear.
“So, are we?” Dane made a noise of frustration. “I don’t even know what to call it. I mean… us. Are we still together? Forget it. You’ve just gone through a terrifying ordeal. It’s not about me right now.”
“No. It’s a fair question. Everything’s out in the open now. Be honest. Even you aren’t completely fine with them, and you had a long time to process it, a hell of a lot longer than me.”
“I thought you said you forgave me?”
“I did. I mean, I do.”
“But you’re still pretty damn resentful and you don’t do a good job of hiding it.”
I found his fingers again since he let go as soon as he got defensive. “All I meant was your upset about Paul and my mother.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“We were all together for hours. I watched you. I know you, Dane. You hate every interaction they have, and I know why. You feel like Paul is betraying your mother.”
“Because he is.”
“Not exactly. I don’t know. If I wasn’t so emotionally gutted right now over worrying about Gram, I guess I might be acting the same way. My mother is still married to my father too, you know. She took a huge risk with that money stunt. She obviously doesn’t think things through. You’re right. They shouldn’t be so familiar like nothing has happened. It’s pretty fucked up now that I think about it.”
“They’re not our problem. We can’t let the past come between us. That’s what you’re doing. You think the past has something to do with us. It doesn’t.”
“Can we try to get some sleep? I want to be there for Gram first thing.”
“Sure, Sydney. I’
m sorry for trying to hash this out.” Dane leaned in and kissed my forehead. “I love you, honey.”
“I love you too.” I did. I’d put a wall between us, but Dane kept tearing it down, one brick at a time.
I slept. Dane slept. That was surprising considering how my mind was the first few minutes in bed. My thoughts were scrambled and the effects of the crappy cup of coffee gave me fake energy. But when Dane held my hand and we stopped talking, sleep overcame me.
Hours ticked by, but not enough for a full night’s sleep. Without warning, I was wide awake, and it was definitely not morning. There was no thought or specific intention when I woke up. Suddenly, I was all over Dane who had no clue what was happening the first few seconds. He thought I was upset or maybe my phone rang about Gram. It didn’t take him long to figure it out.
He kissed me deeply, but stopped himself, “Are you sure?”
I held his face and pressed my mouth against his. Dane’s kiss was exactly the same. At this moment, nothing had changed. That’s exactly how I needed him. “Please, Dane. Let’s pretend.” He didn’t even need me to tell him what we would pretend tonight in this dive motel on what was the worst day of my life. Dane knew. I didn’t want to think about the fact our parents were former lovers devastated by lies and destructive behavior. He was the only one that could help me pretend I knew nothing about the turbulence between the Ellsworths and the Littlefields that started decades ago with our grandparents. I loved my family, all of them, even my mother, but for a brief moment, I needed forget everyone but Dane.
We pretended we were the only ones in existence. The clothes came off, the passion turned on, and he loved me exactly like I needed to be loved. He did as I asked. I begged to pretend, but we ended up being so real. Every touch, kiss and interchange took the hurt and doubt away. The room was dim other than a few street lights, but I could make out Dane’s shape hovering over me. My palm flattened against his heart. The more I felt all of him, the higher I climbed, the more invincible I felt. Maybe I’d initially asked him to take the pain away, but that’s not how it was. Making love with Dane brought it all to the surface. I felt every emotion I was capable of, but it wasn’t too much. Feeling was good. He’d never hurt me, and I was still in pain. It was not a physical pain, but there was beautiful sorrow in our lovemaking. We came together with an underlying apprehension this could be it… our last time.
I wanted to scream there was no way I’d let that happen. He was too perfect. Our love was too good. The sex shattered all other life experiences. But I stayed quiet, only drawing breath when it was necessary. I clung to Dane, soaked up his presence and rode the euphoric wave right alongside him. My mind begged for him not to ask any questions afterward, and it worked because neither of us said anything. He moved off me but stayed close until we drifted back to sleep in total silence.
My hope renewed when Sydney kissed me. My heart soared when she was back in my arms. The rest of the night swallowed us up, and daylight brought a new outlook. I was a little surprised she was gone when I woke up, but it made sense. She was so worried about Josie. I doubted Sydney would think to eat, so I got ready, headed into town in search of a decent breakfast joint.
Everyone was at the hospital when I got there. I was happy one person was missing. My father texted me right before I parked. He had some business to take care of, so naturally I asked how Mom was. He didn’t answer which told me more than if he had. Something was wrong at home and Dad was avoiding it.
I texted her the night before to tell her about Josie Littlefield’s heart attack and that I was at the hospital. Mom’s immediate response was she’d be praying but wanted to know why I was there. I typed out:
I’m seeing her granddaughter. I have been all summer. Sorry, I didn’t want Dad to know, but he does now.
She said that was understandable and it seemed we had a lot to catch up on. My mother gave me the first clue she knew about Marlene.
Is she there too?
I had no idea what was going to happen with my parents or with Sydney’s mom. I honestly didn’t know if Josie was going to beat the odds and pull through. I thought for certain I figured out one thing and that was Sydney and I were going to make it. That was my gut feeling after what happened even though there had plenty said between us to cause me worry.
Syd introduced me as she passed out breakfast tacos and sandwiches to her uncles and cousins. Mark and his wife, Sienna were there with their sons Julian and Kent. RJ should be here soon, but his family was trying to wrap up stuff with work and commitments. Sydney was the youngest grandchild. I’d seen or heard stuff about Josie’s sons. Mark lived in Houston and worked in the corporate offices of some oil and gas company. I wasn’t sure which one. RJ moved to Tennessee when he got married to a woman from college. I’m sure that’s why it was taking them longer to get here.
Once we were all settled, and everyone had something to eat, Marlene gave the good report her mother had a decent night and showed several areas of improvement. I tried to get a few minutes alone with Syd, but she kept shifting away from me to talk to everyone else. Soon, the immediate family started rotating visits, only two at a time for now.
I didn’t worry much about it at first, but after several hours of the brush off, it was clear Sydney was avoiding me. She regretted last night or that’s how it felt. I was wrong to jump to conclusions; great sex and our intense connection didn’t necessarily mean we were fine.
I asked her to go with me to get lunch.
“No, I can’t leave.”
“Sydney, you’ve already seen her. I heard Mark say he’s going in with Julian. You’re not going to miss anything to leave thirty minutes with me.”
“I might. I can’t.”
“You don’t want to be alone with me, do you?”
“That’s absurd. In case you haven’t noticed this isn’t about you.”
“I know that, but I just thought last night… I don’t know. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m pressuring you.”
“I don’t want to discuss this here. It’s not the time or place.”
No one could even hear us. “Sydney, I’m trying to be what you need, and you’re acting like you barely know me. You introduced me to your cousins as your friend.”
“You are my friend.”
“Whatever. Fine. Does chicken sound okay?”
“Dane. I’m sorry. My mind’s preoccupied. I think you know it’s not personal.”
“I do. But then again some of it is personal. I can read you pretty well.”
“I’m about to tell them all about Grandfather.”
“Oh shit, I forgot. I just assumed when you and Marlene had some alone time that you discussed it. I’m an idiot. Sorry for whining. What can I do?”
“You’ve done everything you can. I need to tell them. I think Gram wanted to, but she can’t so it’s my duty. I thought it was better to wait for Uncle RJ.”
“Yeah, makes sense. Do you want me here?”
“No, I’m fine.”
She wasn’t exactly fine, but Sydney felt like she owed it to her family. I’d pushed her enough about us and what happened last night. “I’ll grab lunch for everyone. Don’t say anything. Your Uncle Mark tried to give me money for breakfast earlier, so I don’t want to make it a thing. I need to go home and check on the horses. I’ll probably arrange for Chuck to take care of some stuff at the ranch.” Chuck did the big jobs around the ranch when I needed him.
“Okay, but you don’t have to stay here constantly. I’ll call you if there’s a change.”
“I want to be here with you.”
“Well, it’s not necessary. Gram’s better. It’s family only now. Go home Dane. Kiss Cash and Dot for me. Check on your mother. Give the staff at The Groves a report, get some sleep in your own bed, work, whatever you need to do. Take care of yourself. I’m fine and I’m not alone.”
I wanted to take care of her, but Sydney was so stubborn. I bought enough chicken and sides to last them all day with the hope
of being useful. Her other uncle was there by then. I arrived right after the big reveal. The men were taking it better than Marlene. She kept saying over and over she hadn’t seen her father since she was twelve years old. How could he be alive? I hated to interrupt such an emotional conversation, but maybe a break is what they needed. Mark and RJ insisted on making plans to go to San Antonio. That started another round of hysterics from Marlene. A family fight was brewing. All Josie’s kids had something to say about each other not being the best. Their mother deserved better than three kids that stayed wrapped up in their own lives and barely visited. I tended to agree. They were all a little crappy, but none worse than Sydney’s mom.
My girl was the one to step in and break up the arguments. “Stop this bickering. Gram loves all of you. She has a huge forgiving heart and wouldn’t want any of us fighting now that we’re all reunited. Uncle Mark, if you’re serious about telling Grandfather and going to check on him, Dane knows everything. He can help you with that. There are other things Gram hasn’t told you, but I’m going to let her explain. I truly believe that she’ll be up for that sooner than we thought possible. She’s going to beat this, so from here on out, only positive words are to be spoken. I mean it. We owe that to her. She sacrificed a lot for every single one of us.”
I smiled witnessing how far she’d come. The baby of this family was about to set them all straight once and for all. Once we ate, I gave Mark the details about his father. I pulled Sydney aside and gave her a quick hug and then I did what she asked. Maybe last night wasn’t what I thought it was, but I refused to let it be over. She and I were not over. This was a bump, one of life’s many challenges.
We were getting hit with the hard stuff early, but we were strong enough to take it. Sydney wanted space, so I gave it to her. I stayed at the ranch at night, but I drove to the hospital most days. Each day brought more improvements. Pretty soon Josie was in a regular room. Sydney said it was still a cardiac floor, but it wasn’t nearly as restrictive as ICU had been.
