by TC Rybicki
“Dane’s not taking me anywhere. I’ve been getting enough sleep the past couple of nights, and I’m crushed you think I look tired. I made my face up today.”
“Sure, you did because Dane was coming. Thanks again for the delicious food. Drive safe.”
I walked Dane to the door, and he reached down to squeeze my hand, “I can’t stop thinking about that walk.”
“You should because I can’t, and you know why.”
Dane let the door close between us, but stuck his head back inside, “Wonder if Kells or Marin gets a break?”
“Why, you? Ugh.” I turned around to Gram.
“Go, Sydney. Take the walk. I swear I’ll hold on until you get back.”
“That’s not funny Gram. I swear. You and Dane together are the worst. I’ll be back in ten minutes.”
“Make it thirty. Nothing that happens in less than ten minutes is worth much.”
Dane acted like he was going to the nurses’ station, but he’d played me. He turned around, grabbed my hand to pull me into an elevator.
We made it outside before I spoke up. “I really can’t stay gone long.”
“I know.”
“And you really weren’t going to take a nurse on a walk, were you?”
“No.”
“Okay, good because even though they’re healers, I’m positive they’re bitches too. And so, help me if you say ‘Kells’ again, I will hurt you.”
“Got it and I’m sure they’re straight-up bitches, babe. You always were the best at reading people.” He pulled me into a hug. “Let it all out. You don’t have to brave with me. I know what she told you.”
Finally, the words I needed to hear. I’d held it all in, but Dane gave me permission to let it out. I clung to him and sobbed against shirt. “She has to be wrong. She’s still so lively. You heard her.”
“I know. I hope and pray there’s more time than she thinks.”
“Dane. She gave me The Groves.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“The will was changed. It’s all mine. Isn’t that insane? My family doesn’t even care. Shouldn’t they? I mean, we should be splitting it or something. Maybe they’ll contest everything and take me to court.”
“No, they won’t. Because it’s Josie’s wish and she always had an amazing vision for that magical place. She knows you’re the future.”
“I don’t have a clue how to run a business. I considered taking a class and even that seemed a bit daunting.”
Dane kissed the tip of my nose. “I’ll help.” I tried to say more, but for once, I was out of words. “Come on, let me walk you back.”
I saw we had a little audience when we made it back to Gram’s room. I whispered. “Maybe you should kiss me, so they all know you’re not interested. Make it a good one, kinda hot, so they’ll think we’ve been going at it.”
I tilted my face up for the performance, but Dane grabbed me and pulled me around the corner. I didn’t have a second to react before his mouth was on mine. I melted into him. His lips had healing powers, I swear. The emotion and passion behind one goodnight smooch was unbelievable. I’d avoided him since the motel, but nothing had changed for us. I kept saying it had, but I was pretty good at fooling myself. Too bad the nurses didn’t see. We could’ve melted the paint off the walls; he made it so hot.
Dane breathed heavy against my ear. “I only kiss for real not for show. Everything Josie said is true. The past doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be together; it happened that way, so we can. I know your plate is full, but don’t lose sight of how good we were.”
The morning crew was due any minute. My internal body clock woke me up on cue.
Gram said my name. “Sydney.”
I jumped off the chair. “What is it, Gram? Are you hurting?”
“No, but I wondered if you heard that?”
“What?”
“The baby. I never heard the babies before. I bet they sure are sweet.”
A cold chill ran through me. The baby nursery was three floors down. There wasn’t a baby crying.
“Relax, Gram. It’s still early. They’ll be in here soon with your medicine and disappointing food.”
“I wish I’d heard him cry, but he was gone.” Poor Gram was thinking about Gabriel. Maybe she’d been dreaming. Seconds later, an alarm sounded, and the bright lights came on. The nurses filled the room and asked me to leave.
“No. What’s going on?”
“Her pressure’s dropping, and her heart rate’s slowing down. We’re calling the doctor.”
“Give her something to help.”
“Mrs. Littlefield are you in pain?”
“No, but it sure is cold in here.”
“Sure, we’ll get you some warm blankets.”
That bitchy nurse Kelly asked me to leave. “No, I’m not leaving. Why is everyone standing around? Get the doctor in here now. Tell me what’s going on.”
“She’s a DNR.”
“What does that mean?”
“Mrs. Littlefield doesn’t want lifesaving measures performed on her.”
“Well, I do, so help her. You act like it’s perfectly normal to stand by and watch her fade away. This is a hospital. She came here for help and as far as I can tell Kells, you don’t do much more than scan the hallways for unavailable men. You work for us and I’m ordering you to do your damn job!”
“Excuse me. How dare you speak to me like that? I am doing my job. For the last time, step outside.”
Marin intervened. I hadn’t misjudged Kells, but the other nurse displayed some sensitivity. “Hun come out in the hall, so they can examine her, and I’ll explain things.”
I followed her, but I yelled to Gram. “I’m right outside the door. I’m not going anywhere.”
“First off, I should apologize if we gave you the wrong idea last night. That was unprofessional. We were being silly. Mr. Ellsworth was always so nice to us.”
“It’s fine. I don’t care. Just help my Gram.”
“There’s only so much we can do now, but I promise we’ll keep her comfortable. The DNR is in the orders. Josie was aware when she signed these papers months ago at her doctor’s office. She’s in heart failure; she has been for a long time.”
“What will happen?”
“Most likely, she’ll close her eyes and go to sleep. You can probably head back in and sit with her. It will be a comfort to you both. I have your mother’s number. I’ll call. Hopefully, the family will make it in time, and you won’t be alone. Do you have any other questions? The doctor is on the way.”
“You promise she isn’t hurting?”
“I promise. They’re giving her some pain meds to be sure.”
Two other nurses walked out including Nurse Kelly with her stupid nickname on her badge. Marin took me back inside. Gram’s eyes were closed.
I panicked. Marin pointed at the monitor, “As everything slows, she’ll go in and out.”
“Can I touch her?”
“Sure sweetie. Hold her hand, talk to her even if she can’t talk back. They say hearing is the last sense to go. Tell her you love her and assure her it’s okay. Sometimes, they hang on for permission. I’m going to step outside and give you privacy. We’re watching the monitors from the desk. Buzz if you need me.”
“Thanks, Marin. I’m sorry I’m rude sometimes.”
“No worries. I totally understand.”
I moved the small chair close to her bed. I leaned in to kiss her cheek. Gram was covered with at least three blankets, but her skin felt cool against my lips. I found her hand and squeezed it. “I’m back. It’s your Sydney girl. Sorry, I yelled at that bimbo nurse. You were right. I was so jealous of the way she looked at Dane. He’s mine. You were right about everything. I’ve been stupid, but I promise I’ll quit. If you hadn’t invited me here, I would have never met Dane. Thank you. I don’t think I ever said thanks. I’ve been a mess most of the time, but I learned so much from you. I’ve learned about smart business sense, but th
at’s not why you’re so successful. I watch you, Gram. All the workers respect you because you respect them first. There’s not a guest that stays that doesn’t talk about their next visit when they check out. You don’t merely accommodate them at your bed-and-breakfast, you invite them into your home. I’ll keep all your traditions because they work. And I promise I’ll forgive more. Mom and I are talking a lot. It’s not ideal, but we’re making progress. Don’t worry about anything. I want you to stay because I’m still a little selfish, but you deserve your crown. I bet God has a beautiful one waiting on you. Gram can you hear me?”
She opened her eyes and blinked a few times. A lone tear dripped from the corner of one eye. I absorbed the moisture with my fingertip. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone you got a little emotional. But you’re about to see Gabriel again, you’re allowed.” She closed her eyes again. I glanced at the monitor. She’d been steady at 52 beats per minute, but now she was running in the forties. It was happening too fast. I didn’t think Mom was going to make it. We all had a false sense of security because Gram had such a good day yesterday.
“I love you so much, Gram. You changed my life. I’d like to read something to you if that’s okay.” I pulled out my phone and searched a special folder where I stored my favorite poems and quotes. Gram said I romanticized too much, but sometimes I shared old classics with her, and she seemed to like the way I read them. I didn’t have the strength to read a long moving passage about death and dying, but I remembered a quote by Paulo Coelho. I wanted to double check I got it right even though I was sure I had it memorized.
The monitor showed another decline. It might be the last words she heard, and I wasn’t certain they were the right ones, but I finally understood why Gram was so relaxed about admitting she was dying the day before. I steadied myself and leaned closed to her ear.
“‘We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don’t disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms.’ That’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to imagine you’re just in a different room because then I’ll know you’re close and one day you’ll open the door for me. I love you.”
Marin stepped in because the monitor blared loudly to announce the numbers all read zero. Gram’s heart ceased to beat, and mine broke apart. She wasn’t alive, and I felt dead inside. I understood this was part of life and I’d rather see her go on her terms instead of suffering weak and depleted in bed. My only consolation was it was me with her. Maybe it should have been Roy, Mom, or my uncles, but they didn’t make it. God saw fit to give me the honor. Her spirited departed the room with me whispering in her ear so my promises could never be broken. I had to succeed, be better than I thought possible. I couldn’t constantly be melodramatic and whine about life. It was time to step up. I was Josie Littlefield’s living legacy. And I swear I heard her say something to me even though she was officially gone, “You always were, child; you just needed to embrace it.”
Sydney was in her new favorite spot in the shadows of the pecan trees. She spread a blanket out and looked like she planned on being there all day. Marlene called me because she found Sydney’s behavior extreme, so I headed over one dreary Sunday afternoon.
I couldn’t help but laugh at her mother’s desperate call.
“I don’t see how that’s funny. She might need professional help.”
“Naw, not Syd.”
“Well, I don’t mean to be in your business, but you’ve been scarce, and I thought you’d support her a little better considering your past with her.”
“Marlene, Sydney is more than my past. She’s my future. I give her the space she needs, but I’m also giving plenty of support.” I had Frisco build a stronger trellis when Josie was in the hospital. He needed an extra project to occupy himself with, and I knew I wasn’t done climbing in that window. I’d climbed in every night since Josie’s funeral. Where we spent our nights was no one’s business, so I didn’t elaborate. I tried to calm Sydney’s mother’s worries instead, “You don’t know much about her, and that’s okay. Sydney forgave you, but you’re concerned that her behavior is extreme when Sydney’s always extreme. That’s her personality. She’s sad, but she’s coping in her own unique way. It’s only been two weeks, and she’s kicking ass at the job. Don’t worry.”
“Well. It’s cold, and she’s skinny as a rail. I wish she’d stay inside to read.”
I promised to check on her.
Sydney shut the book when she saw me approach. “My mother called.”
“Yes.”
“She was better when she was oblivious to my existence.”
“Now, Syd. No regressing.”
“Sorry, but she’s been hovering and nagging. I can’t stand it.”
“Welcome to a normal relationship with your mother. They do such things. It’s cold, and your nose and cheeks are red.”
“Are you going to toss me over your shoulder and make me come inside?”
“No, but here. I’m going to make this more bearable.”
I slipped a knit cap onto her head, unfolded a blanket to cover her legs and opened the contents of my basket. “Hot chocolate. This whole box is loaded with tasty treats.”
“Thanks. I forgot to eat. Are you staying?”
“Unless you don’t want me to.”
“I do. Come here. Let’s snuggle. I was going to text you later, but I got involved in this story.”
I lifted her book, The Bell Jar. “Give me that. You don’t need to be sitting out here reading a book by a suicidal poet when you’re grieving.”
“It’s good.”
“Yes, for depression and misery.”
“I like to wallow in those things when I’m down.”
“I know, but you’re close to going overboard. Dig out something happier or I’m going to start reading some Louise Hay to you.”
“You wouldn’t dare. Besides, I don’t have any of her work.”
“I can pull something up on my phone I’m sure. Let me see. Oh, great, 365 Affirmations is a good start. ‘I am worth loving, the fact that I exist means I am worth loving…” Sydney covered my mouth.
“Stop it right now. You know I hate that shit. I’ll never have sex with you again if you adopt a new age positivity mantra. I swear it.”
I removed her hand so that I could kiss her cold lips. “Fine. We could put the reading material away and kiss instead, but I’m serious, no more depressing stories from mentally ill writers or sad songs that make you cry. Missing Josie is all the sadness you need to surround yourself with because it’s enough.”
“Dane. It’s so hard.”
“I know, honey. Honestly, you’re doing great. But when you escape like this, you go too deep inside your head. It’s natural to be sad. We only worry when you invite things that make you even sadder. Josie would be the first one to tell you to knock it off.”
“I know she would. Pour me a hot chocolate, please. What’s the secret?”
“Taste it.”
Sydney sipped and licked her lips. “Mmmm, I sense a hint of vanilla and cinnamon. I like it. You made this, definitely not a powdered mix.”
“No, because that’s average and you’re not average.”
“Feed me something.”
About time she asked. I pulled out a chocolate eclair. “I stopped by the bakery.”
“Nice,” she opened her mouth, so I gave her bite. “Oh, wow. Those always hit the spot. You’re spoiling my dinner though.”
“Who cares. I bet you skipped breakfast and lunch today.”
“No, I ate something at church.”
“The communion cracker doesn’t count.”
“Funny. But they had sausage biscuits. Julian forced me.”
“Great. Julian’s cool. I’m glad he’s hanging around.”
“So is Nina. She is so obvious, it’s embarrassing.”
Nina and Julian had been flirty since the funeral whether it was appropriate or not, but Sydney liked their budding romance, and if she was happy, I
was happy. I picked up Sydney at the hospital the day Josie died. She ran into my arms and cried her beautiful eyes out. I couldn’t believe it happened the very next day. We both assumed we had longer after the lively enchilada dinner. Once Sydney went through the motions with the funeral home representative that met the family at the hospital, I brought her back to the ranch. She told me word for word her last hour with Josie.
We were official again, but Sydney had a huge transition ahead of her. I only had one tough question for her that night, “Are you with me because Josie wanted it?”
“No, I’m with you because it’s right and it’s where I always want to be. You and Gram know me better than anyone else. I must accept the past because it gave us our future. We’re the end game.”
Sydney and I filled up on donuts and hot chocolate. I held her under the blanket, and she read me a love poem, We Are Made One with What We Touch and See by Oscar Wilde. Then we did lovely things hiding under the blanket that we probably shouldn’t have, but I risked it.
Sydney dressed while I kept watch. “I can’t believe you talked me into that. What would a guest contribute to their Yelp review if we’d been discovered?”
“Maybe, ‘this place has a little bit of everything.’” I joked.
“Stop it. That’s the last time. No more public sex. I have a reputation to uphold.”
“Whatever you say, dear. You know, I was thinking, we should put up a memorial here. I know what you picked out for the cemetery is nice, but Josie’s memory lives here.”
“I agree. I already talked to someone about a simple stone for Gabriel. Gram always wanted it private, but I thought a small inscribed stone by her favorite trees would be fitting.”
“That’s a nice idea. We could have a plaque and portrait of Josie made for the bed-and-breakfast, so the guests see it.”
“Yeah and maybe some family pictures. I’d like that. Gram might complain it’s too much attention, but I’m in charge now.”
“You sure are.” Sydney was always meant to be the leader of something.
