She resisted the urge to touch him as she began to whisper her confession to him.
“Sam, if you can hear me, I know the things I’m about to say will not sit well with you, but I have to get these things off my chest. Some of it I’ve needed to tell you for at least the past twenty-five years, and I just can’t hold it in any longer.
“First of all, I’m scared. I don’t understand how or why we came back to the year 1961. I have no idea if our old selves are still stuck in the year 2011, or if we somehow went back in time, and we no longer exist in the future. I don’t understand why we’re now eighteen. Honestly, though, I don’t want to go back. I want to stay here as a young girl and start my life over again. I don’t want to go back and be so old I’m close to death. Our parents are all dead and most of our friends are too. It’s been so wonderful to see Eleanor and the old gang we used to hang out with when we were first married. And I won’t give up my parents a second time—I just can’t.
“Part of me wants to hang onto you because you’re familiar, but if we are stuck permanently here in 1961, destined to repeat our lives, I won’t repeat our mistakes. If that means walking away from you—from us—then I’m prepared to do just that.
“And let’s face it; we just went through the motions for the last several years of our marriage. It was probably close to being over between us by our twenty-fifth anniversary! Don’t get me wrong, Sam, I’ll always love you. But I just don’t’ think we should waste an opportunity like this.
“There’s more. Tonight I went out on a date with Spencer. He’s twenty-one, and a war veteran, if you can believe that. I kissed him, and it felt good to kiss someone else. It was exciting and new—but I felt guilty, and I’m sorry. What scares me the most is that I might have continued to kiss him if I hadn’t heard our song on the radio. I’m sorry Sam, but I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to feel guilty the rest of my life if I want to date someone else or if I don’t choose you again.
“I know it’s sad to say goodbye to a fifty-year marriage, but maybe it’s for the best.”
Sadie reflected on the past for a minute, staring at the handsome, familiar stranger. She eased herself onto the edge of his bed and tucked her hand in his.
“Did you know that when we were younger, and I collected S&H green stamps to collect our china, I actually thought I was contributing. I thought the same thing as the years went by and I held Tupperware parties, and later on when I sold Mary Kay Cosmetics. I thought it all gave me a sense of self worth, but truthfully, Sam, I was unhappy, and those things made me feel even worse.
“I had dreams. I wanted to go to college and become a newspaper journalist. I wanted to travel more—before having kids. I love Nate and Ginny, but I needed more than being your wife and their mother. I needed to be myself, and I just never felt that I was. I sat at home all the time without you because you were always working. I wasted my life waiting for something exciting to happen, and it just never did.
“What if we were never meant to grow old and we get stuck in this endless loop of repeating our lives over and over again until we do it right? I would love to have this one do-over, but what if I make even more mistakes this time when I grow up? What then?
“What’s worse is that your old self is sending me text messages from 2011. I know this all probably sounds like a very bad science fiction movie, but I’m worried about the old Sam. What if something happened to him since you’re here as your young self?
What if we’re both dead?”
Sadie sat on the edge of his bed watching him breathe, wondering if things would ever be the same. Even though Sam was in a different hospital, she suddenly thought of the heart attack scare they’d had last year. He lay there now just as lifeless, but something was different, not just his youthful appearance. She couldn’t quite pinpoint the subtle difference, but she didn’t remember him ever holding the same expression on his face as he was now. It was peaceful and innocent in a way she may not have noticed when they were young, but she recognized that same look in her children’s faces when they slept.
Was it possible that she could be seeing him differently than she did earlier in life when the lust of her youth blinded her to a lot of things?
Sam roused slightly, looking directly at her.
“Who are you?” he managed with a weak voice.
That’s right…we haven’t technically met!
CHAPTER 13
Sadie jumped from the edge of Sam’s bed, her teenage face heating up. She shied away from looking him in the eye, concerned he may be able to see right through her. Had he been listening the whole time, pretending to be asleep? The thought of it renewed old feelings of anger toward him—feelings only her older self would remember. It angered her even more to have the young Sam bring out the same feelings she’d been harboring the last few years of her marriage to him.
She cleared her throat. “I’m Sadie Marie Hall. We met at the spring dance at the Fruitport Pavilion.”
She hoped hearing her full name and where they’d met would jar his memory.
He managed a half smile as he touched the bandages on his head. “I think I would have remembered meeting someone as lovely as you, Sadie Marie Hall.”
She reached up to touch the bandage but he flinched away from her. “Sorry, Sam. You hit your head awfully hard. You’ve been in a coma for about ten days now.”
He sat up straight, alarm showing on his face.
“Ten days! Why didn’t someone wake me up?”
Sadie suppressed a giggle. It was just like Sam to say such a thing.
His expression changed, and surprisingly, Sadie could still read it. Was it possible that he hadn’t really changed that much over the years? Maybe it was her that had changed. Maybe she was the one that had pulled away from him. He’d been telling her for years that she wasn’t the same woman he married—that she had changed. Was it possible he was right?
Sam cleared his throat. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”
She fidgeted, feeling uneasy. There was a lot she wasn’t telling him, and didn’t think she could now that he was awake and staring at her.
Sam looked at the clock on the wall, and then turned his gaze toward the window, where the moon shone in, his eyes finally falling back on Sadie. “Is it really five o’clock in the morning? I didn’t think visiting hours started this early. You haven’t been here all night, have you?”
Sadie’s face heated. “I haven’t been here long. I couldn’t sleep.”
Sam scrunched up his face. “So you came here instead?”
Sadie couldn’t look at him. “I had a lot of things on my mind.”
Pushing the pillow under his head to raise it, he looked her in the eye. “Things like you and I being married for fifty years?” The corners of his mouth turned upward into a half smile.
Sadie’s heart slammed against her chest wall. She leered at him with accusing eyes. “You were listening the whole time?”
He smirked. “At first I thought I was dreaming, but then I started to panic, thinking I’d been in a coma for the last fifty years. When I opened my eyes, here you were. Funny, you don’t look older than eighteen. So were you reading to me, or do you really believe all that stuff you said?”
Sadie hung her head. Part of her was angry with him for not telling her he was awake, and the other part was mad at herself for saying all of it out loud. “I didn’t mean for you to hear any of that stuff.”
The corners of his mouth turned up. “Then why did you say it?”
“Because I thought it would ease my conscience.”
Sam smiled. “Did it? Is your conscience clear now?”
Sadie shook her head.
“When did we get married?”
“We aren’t married—yet.”
His smirk turned into an odd expression Sadie couldn’t decipher. “Well then how can we be married for fifty years?”
Sadie’s patience was wearing thin. “We don’t get married un
til the end of the summer. This is actually the first time we’re meeting. But the first time we met—fifty years ago, it was at the dance where we didn’t get to meet each other this time around. Am I making any sense?”
He paused for a minute before answering. “I think I understand. What can I do to help?”
“Just forget I said anything. It’s my problem, not yours.”
He tucked his hand in hers, sending shivers through her. “It sounds like it’s our problem. And kissing someone else is not considered cheating—I don’t think. But hearing how unhappy I’ve made you leaves me feeling like a heel. It isn’t a good thing for someone to look back on their life and feel it was wasted.”
Sadie looked into his eyes and saw a familiarity that set her teeth on edge.
She snatched her hand away and turned to leave. “It wasn’t all a waste. But none of it matters now. There isn’t anything that is ours anymore. I’m leaving you, Sam. I have to. I think you’ll agree; it’s what’s best for both of us.”
Most of the color drained from his already pale face.
She ran from the room, and didn’t stop until she reached the elevator. One of the nurses looked up from the desk and started questioning her.
“What are you doing here in the middle of the night, young lady? Who are you here to see?”
Sadie ignored the ranting woman as she stepped into the elevator. Turning around to face the nurse, she uttered quietly that it wouldn’t happen again. The door swung closed and tears streamed down her face. Her throat felt constricted. How could she have left Sam with no explanation? She’d always been one to talk things out, but the past few days had changed her. Now, she felt trapped somewhere between her older and younger selves, and the confusion was almost more than she could bear.
CHAPTER 14
Sadie practically ran to Eleanor’s house. The sun was barely up, but she couldn’t wait to tell her about her conversation with Sam, and the way she ended things without warning. She couldn’t get the look he gave her out of her mind, and she needed to talk to someone before she had a nervous breakdown.
She pounded on Eleanor’s bedroom window, ignoring the possibility of breaking it. She was too focused on her own problems to be concerned with her hasty actions. The curtain moved slightly, causing Sadie to knock harder.
Eleanor shoved the curtain to the side, annoyance showing on her face. Sadie motioned for her to open the window so she could hear what she was saying to her, even if she knew from her expression that Eleanor was scolding her.
Eleanor threw open the sash with a loud huff.
“Sadie Marie Hall, why are you here at this hour? And why are you pounding on my window? My parents are going to be very upset if you don’t come back at a more respectable hour—and use the front door!”
Sadie leaned in toward the window sill to prevent her friend from closing it on her. “Please, Eleanor, I need to talk to you. I just got back from seeing Sam and I broke up with him—I ended our marriage.”
Hearing the words out loud made it final in Sadie’s heart, causing her to tear up. Eleanor’s expression turned to pity as she pushed open the window fully and invited her to climb in.
Sadie flopped across Eleanor’s bed and pushed her face into the chenille bedspread to muffle her cries. She couldn’t stifle her emotions over the situation with Sam. As much as she tried, she knew she could never rid herself of her feelings for the man she’d spent nearly her entire adult life with. She’d spent so many years missing young Sam that she couldn’t believe she’d just rejected what she’d been longing for all along.
Eleanor patted her arm. “I don’t understand you anymore, Sadie. I know you think you’re an old lady who’s been married for fifty years, but I have to wonder if you’ve lost your marbles.”
Sadie lifted her head and sniffled. “I wonder the same thing. What if none of this is real and I’m hallucinating? Or worse. Maybe I’m right, and I’m lost in some time warp? But then there’s the cell phone that somehow made it back in time with me.”
Eleanor cocked her head to the side. “What’s a cell phone?”
Sadie dumped out the contents of her purse, eyeing the cell phone. She picked it up, cradling it in her hand as though it were fragile. Holding out her open palm, she pushed it toward her friend. “This is a cell phone.”
Eleanor scowled. “Sadie I don’t know about you, but I have never been able to communicate with anyone using whatever that thing is. It looks like a toy.”
Sadie pulled the phone back toward her. “This isn’t a toy. It’s a cell phone. It’s used in the future to talk on and you don’t need to use a cord.”
Sadie could see the irritation on Eleanor’s face.
“I looks like a toy, but I’ve never seen a toy like that before.’
“I know that, but it’s real.”
“Maybe you ate something that didn’t agree with you.”
Sadie’s eyes narrowed. “Really? That’s your explanation for why I’m holding a Blackberry cell phone in my hands? I understand it isn’t exactly functioning right now because the battery is dead, so I can’t show you what it does. I couldn’t get it plugged into the cigarette lighter in the car so it would charge because the lighter in my dad’s car is broken. But I assure you, this is NOT a toy!”
Eleanor shook her head and laughed. “My statement isn’t any less ridiculous than yours. I have to give you credit for one thing though, Sadie; you have a really good imagination. That’s so funny. Plugging a phone into the cigarette lighter.”
Sadie jumped from the bed and began to walk to the window. “You are my best friend, Eleanor. When have you known me to ever lie to you?”
Eleanor stood beside her and hung her head shamefully. “Never once have you lied to me, Sadie Marie. But even you have to admit this is a lot of crazy talk for one person to believe—even my father, and I’m sure he’s heard it all from his patients.”
Sadie grabbed Eleanor’s hands and squeezed them. “I know how crazy it sounds, but I just need you to listen to me and help me figure out what to do.”
“When did you see Sam?”
Sadie shrank back down on the bed. “I just got back. I had to put my dad’s car back, and then I came straight over here to see you.”
Eleanor jerked her hands to her mouth and let out a gasp. “You drove your father’s car again?”
“Is that all you’re worried about? Focus.”
Eleanor scrunched up her brow. “Something is very different about you ever since graduation night. You talk differently—say odd things—things you don’t normally say.”
A spark lit Sadie up. “That’s because it isn’t really me. I’m the me from the future—I really hate using that expression. It’s me from the future, but I’m stuck in the body of my eighteen-year-old self. I’m aware that I’m married and have two children, but when I look in the mirror, I see the young girl who’s still a virgin and doesn’t have a driver’s permit. Except that I know what it feels like to be with a man, and I know how to drive!”
Eleanor sat wide-eye next to Sadie on the bed, her mouth agape, and her cheeks were flush. “Did you do it with Sam? You made a vow to wait until marriage.”
“Of course I have, but I was married to him first.”
The two giggled and snickered. Sadie didn’t know why she was reacting the same way that Eleanor was, but she could only assume it had something to do with her teenage body. It was strange for her to be sharing these things with her friend, but at one time they had shared everything—including what she was sharing now. Her reaction had been the same this time as it was when she talked about her wedding night with Eleanor fifty years ago.
“So what’s it like?”
Sadie wouldn’t ruin it for her friend by telling her they already had this conversation. “It’s scary the first time, but it’s what God intends for married people who love each other. But trust me when I say it just isn’t very fun when you’re older. At that time of your life, cuddling is more importa
nt.”
“Geez, Sadie, you sound like my mother when she gave me the talk.”
“I’m sorry, Eleanor. I guess I’m sort of thinking like a mom. I don’t feel comfortable with giving you details since you’re not married. Some things you just have to discover for yourself, and intimacy with your husband is between the two of you. And yes, I believe you need to wait until you’re married.”
Eleanor cinched her brow in a tight scorn.
“How am I supposed to learn any of this stuff if no one will tell me?”
Sadie’s heart softened toward her friend. “I know how you’re feeling, but rest assured that if you pick the right man, it will be the first time for both of you so that actually takes a lot of the pressure off.”
Eleanor sighed heavily. “All I want to know is if it’s as lovely as everyone says.”
“Yes! But only if you’re married!”
CHAPTER 15
Eleanor’s face turned a healthy shade of crimson. “So when are you going to see Sam again?”
Sadie’s expression changed. “I told him it was over between us. I’m feeling sick over the decision, but maybe it’s for the best.”
“No! You have been given a second chance to make things right with your husband when the two of you don’t even know each other yet—well, he doesn’t know you, anyway. I think that’s very romantic. And just think of the possibilities. You can reinvent yourself since he has no knowledge of how the two of you were before, so you can avoid making the same mistakes.”
Sadie hugged her friend. “I hadn’t thought of that. You’re right. I don’t have to leave Sam. I love him. And I tried to be with Spencer and all I could think of was Sam.”
The Anniversary (Christian Romance) Page 6
