We sped along Main Street, threading our way through shoals of office workers, dodging knuckle-dragging teenagers with their heads bent over their phones, all the way to the mall. But before we’d even made it past Walgreens, the third alien commando stepped out of the crowd.
The Perfect Kissing Machine
The sue-dunham Special Forces gym teacher stood with her feet shoulder-width apart, knees slightly bent, arms hanging relaxed at her sides—a lot like the stance Miss Dunham had demonstrated when teaching us how to throw a basketball. Her eyes locked onto us like a missile-guidance system. Pedestrians flowed around her, unaware of the alien terror in their midst.
“Has your battery recharged?” I asked Christopher Talbot.
“Not yet,” he said.
“It’s not the best superpower ever, is it?”
“No,” he agreed glumly.
And then something remarkable happened. Christopher Talbot’s expression hardened. He straightened to his full height, dropped his hands to his hips, and waggled his fingers. He was preparing for either a free throw or a showdown.
“Luke, you have to go,” he said quietly.
“But what about you?”
He surveyed the sue-dunham commando coldly. “I’ve got this.”
I could hardly believe it—he was choosing to be a hero instead of a villain. “But without your power, how will you—”
“Never mind that.” He paused. “If I don’t make it, Luke, it’s up to you and your little friends.”
“We’re called S.C.A.R.F.,” I said.
He threw me a doubtful look. “S.C.A.R.F.? Really?”
“I’d like to see you come up with a better name,” I muttered.
“What are you waiting for?” He glowered. “Get out of here before I change my mind.”
I took off without another word. Merging with the crowd, I glanced back to see them square up to one another like a couple of Wild West gunslingers. As I hurried past Kay Jewelers, all the clocks in the window chimed noon. I hoped Christopher Talbot knew what he was doing.
The mall was just off Main Street. A stray chunk of the Nemesis asteroid had demolished part of it, but reconstruction was well under way, and it wasn’t all bad, since they were opening an Apple store. I arrived outside the main entrance to find it jammed with hordes of screaming people. They weren’t lining up for the latest iPhone.
Panicking shoppers stampeded out onto the street, bursting the doors off their hinges in their desperation to escape whatever was inside.
I pushed against the tide, squeezing past into the big, bright central atrium, now empty of people. Easy listening jazz played through the mall’s public address system, punctuated by announcements for coming events and special offers. Daylight streamed through the soaring glass roof. It reflected off the splintered glass of broken store windows, and highlighted bags full of new purchases abandoned across the white tiled floor.
It also dazzled off the cube-shaped head of a giant robot in the food court.
The robot stood thirty feet tall, with legs made for stomping, pile-driver arms, and clawed hands for crushing. What I guessed to be its electrohydraulic drive system made whirring and clunking noises as the robot lumbered across the mall floor. With its highly polished casing and retro styling, the robot had clearly been designed by the sue-dunham to look good on TV.
One great claw-hand swatted at the swooping Star Guy, who flew around its head like an annoying gnat. Its other hand clutched the screaming figure of the Cara-borg.
“Help me, Star Guy!” she yelled, hammering her fists against the metal monstrosity. Her screams were as fake as her synthetic skin. The Overlord had fashioned the fake Cara as surely as she had bolted together the giant robot aboard the mother ship.
“I’ll save you, Cara!” Zack called out, before hurriedly corrected himself. “I mean, I’ll save you . . . member of the public I have only met briefly once before.” He dived at the robot, narrowly dodging the colossal claw as it raked the air.
I wasn’t the only one watching the epic confrontation. Lara stood outside Mrs. Fields Cookies, dressed in her Dark Flutter costume.
“Uh, Dark Flutter, shouldn’t you be helping Star Guy?”
“My animal power isn’t much use in here,” she said with a wistful look. “The mall only allows in guide dogs, and I don’t think it would be appropriate, firing Labradors at a giant robot.”
I agreed that it would not.
Star Guy used his force field to deflect a mighty punch. The robotic fist bounced off wildly, smashing through the window of YO! Sushi. When the robot yanked it back out of the restaurant, there was a selection of sushi and hand rolls along the length of its arm.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” said Lara, “but there’s a strength and grace to Zack these days. I think he’s really coming into his powers.”
“That’s nice,” I grunted. I couldn’t bear hearing about Zack’s growth as a superhero. As painful as it was for me to admit, it was clear that the robot didn’t stand a chance against my brother. The battle would soon be over, and the Cara-borg would deliver its kissy-faced payload. And there was nothing I could do about it.
A discarded shopping bag floated past in the food court fountain.
Or was there?
“Where are you going?” said Lara as I dashed off. “You’ll miss the end.”
The bag was from the party store just around the corner. I made my way past the princesses and the Star Wars figures, to the superhero section. It didn’t take long to find what I needed. Racks of Star Guy costumes had been placed out prominently in time for Halloween. I grabbed one and hurriedly pulled it on; then I checked that everything looked just right in an Evil Queen Magic Mirror. I really looked good as a superhero. “Now who’s the coolest of them all?” I said.
“Star Guy,” replied the mirror annoyingly.
When I returned to the food court, the fight was in its final throes. Zack and the robot had moved to the upper floor and were going at it toe-to-giant-metal-toe outside Peet’s Coffee and Tea.
“Uh, Luke?” said Lara, looking me up and down. “Never mind.” She gestured to Zack. “Between you and me, he could’ve finished this ages ago. He’s just showing off. You know what he’s like around my sister.”
“That’s not your sister,” I said. “It’s a Cara-borg.”
“What are you talking about? Of course it’s my sister.”
There was no time to explain. I had to stop Zack from defeating the giant robot and winning that kiss.
With a toss of his head, Zack adjusted his cape and extended both arms. He was about to bring down the robot using his telekinetic superpower.
“Here it comes,” said Lara breathlessly. “The cow de grass.”
Zack glanced at the Peet’s storefront and then back at the robot. “Hasta la barista, baby,” he quipped.
Even his quips were better than mine!
Swiftly pulling out the alien remote control, I pointed it at myself and prodded the volume switch to its maximum setting.
“HEY!” My voice blasted through the mall like a sonic boom.
Store windows that had so far escaped destruction shattered, and the public address system exploded with a shriek of static. The force sent Zack spinning through the air.
But I was too slow. He had already unleashed his superpower. The robot’s massive head tumbled off its shoulders and fell, splashing into the food court fountain far below. A shower of sparks accompanied the sharp smell of burning circuitry. Its red electronic eye flickered weakly.
On the upper floor of the mall, the headless torso sank to its knees, releasing its grip on the Cara-borg. Zack took an eager step toward her, failing to notice that the robot was down but not out. The body twitched and one gleaming claw-hand scythed through the air, walloping Zack with the force of a runaway locomotive. With a
cry he pitched over the railing and fell. Moments before smashing against the hard tiles, he leveled out and brought himself in for a bouncy landing. He rolled and skidded, finally coming to a stop in a dazed heap at my feet.
In the fountain the robot’s red eye flickered one last time and fell dim. That still left the Cara-borg. Leaping over my sprawling brother, I sprinted up the escalator.
The Cara-borg was waiting at the top. “Star Guy? You seem . . . different.”
I caught my breath. “I look taller when I’m flying.”
The Cara-borg accepted my explanation with a nod. “Oh, Star Guy, if you hadn’t rescued me from the clutches of that thing, I don’t know what would’ve become of me.” She sidled closer. “You’re so amazing. And powerful. And handsome. If only there was some way I could thank you.” She formed her lips into a pout, closed her eyes, and lowered her face to mine. It was like the Death Star approaching Alderaan.
There was nothing I could do about it—I was going to get kissed. But better me than my brother. I braced myself.
“Tell me this isn’t happening,” said Zack.
He stood at the top of the escalator with Lara. The Cara-borg’s eyes popped open. She turned her surprised gaze from me to him. With the real superhero for comparison, she saw through my disguise immediately.
“Don’t let her kiss you!” I blurted.
Zack stared daggers at me, then turned to the Cara-borg. “Sorry about him.”
“Don’t ignore me! You have to listen.”
“Uh, no, I don’t, actually.”
“Are you two related?” asked the Cara-borg suspiciously. “Because you argue just like me and my sis.”
“We don’t argue that much,” objected Lara, and then realized she’d given the game away. “And by we, I mean me and my . . . three older brothers . . . and my dog . . . um . . . Patricia.”
Lara needn’t have worried. The Cara-borg only had evil cyborg eyes for me and Star Guy.
“Who? Him? My brother?” said Zack. “Nooo. Some fanboy. Probably. Now, how about we get you home. You’ve had quite a day, Miss . . . ?”
“Call me Cara,” said the Cara-borg. “Would you fly me home?”
“I . . . don’t usually . . . I mean . . . sure.” Awkwardly, he extended an arm. “Do you mind if I . . . ? What I mean is . . . purely for safety reasons, I need to . . .”
The Cara-borg took his arm and placed it firmly around her waist. “Like this, Star Guy?”
Below his mask Zack’s cheeks flushed. “Yes,” he said, in a strangled voice. “Just like that.”
Holding the Cara-borg, Star Guy sprang into the air. They flew straight up through the broken atrium roof.
“No! Wait!” I called out, but if he heard, then my brother was ignoring me.
“Luke!” called a voice from below. I peered over the railing, and to my surprise saw Christopher Talbot running up the escalator. Somehow he’d made it past the alien commando.
“What’s he doing here?” said Lara.
“It’s a long story,” I said. “And we don’t have time to go into it.”
Christopher Talbot surveyed the wreckage. “Don’t tell me I missed a giant robot battle?”
“Come on,” I shouted, scrambling over the debris toward a door marked ROOF ACCESS ONLY. Maybe there was still time.
“I know you,” said Christopher Talbot, studying Lara. “You’re the little reporter girl.” He snapped his fingers as he tried to recall her name. “Lisa . . . Lois . . . Laura.”
“Lara,” said Lara tightly. “And there goes my secret identity.”
“So you’re Dark Flutter. How intriguing,” he said, turning to me. “All these children with superpowers, but not you, Luke. Bet that’s annoying.”
I gritted my teeth and ignored his teasing. My legs burned as I climbed the stairs. I swore to myself that before the next threat to Earth came around, I’d get in shape.
The door to the roof lay before us. I pushed on the metal bar and shouldered my way outside.
The wind whipped across the flat roof. Below us lay the sprawling town center. With relief I saw my brother over on the other side of the building. Zack and the Cara-borg were cozied up next to a parapet. We raced across the roof. There were only seconds left to neutralize the Cara-borg.
I turned to Christopher Talbot. “Battery power?”
“Still charging,” he said with a sigh.
Zack caught sight of the approaching Christopher Talbot, and his lip curled into a sneer. “You!” he snarled, staring into the face of his old enemy.
“Hello, Star Guy. Nice cape.” Christopher Talbot picked up an end and rubbed it between two fingers. “Is there some cashmere in this?”
Zack snatched it out of his hand and glowered at both of us. “What’s he doing here?”
“I’ll explain later,” I said. “Right now we need to talk.”
“So talk,” said Zack.
I glanced at the Cara-borg. She studied me with her emotionless processor eyes. “Over here,” I said. “Out of the wind.” Taking my brother by the elbow, I steered him out of sensor range of the robot. Christopher Talbot and Lara huddled around us.
“Cara’s not who you think she is,” I whispered. “She’s a robot impostor. And whatever you do, don’t let her kiss you or you’ll be distracted and the Alien Overlord will fire her long-range viral agitator and it’ll be the end of the world.”
“Kiss me?” said Zack in a tingly voice.
“Really?” said Christopher Talbot. “Robot impostor? Alien Overlord? End of the world? No?”
“You have to believe us,” I pleaded.
“Us?” replied Zack.
“Don’t look at me,” said Lara, taking a step away from me.
“I know it seems . . . unlikely,” I said, including Christopher Talbot with a gesture, “but we’ve teamed up to fight the aliens.”
“What aliens?” Zack looked at me like I was nuts. I’d been seeing this expression a lot lately. “I don’t see any green, bug-eyed monsters.”
“They don’t look like green, bug-eyed monsters,” I said.
“Then what do they look like?”
I paused and then mumbled, “Miss Dunham.”
I decided it would be wise to hold back the bit about the whole invasion being a reality TV show.
“I don’t know what’s going on here, and right now I don’t care,” he said, with an air of finality.
“Star Guy, can we go?” The Cara-borg hugged her arms to her body. “I’m getting cold.”
Zack marched over and placed an arm around her. Finally, he turned to me and said, “And for the last time, stop bothering me at work.”
There was a whoosh of splitting air as the two of them shot into the sky. I watched helplessly as the Cara-borg placed her free hand around the back of Zack’s head and pulled his masked face toward her. Her cold cyborg lips homed in on his.
I heard Lara’s puzzled voice at my side. “But she’s got a boyfriend.”
The Cara-borg kissed him.
They bobbed in the breeze for a moment. Far below, the world carried on as usual. Shoppers trawled for bargains. Buses grumbled along Main Street.
A heartbeat later, I flinched as a bright green bolt of light split the sky. Silently, it arrowed down from its orbital weapons platform to strike Star Guy squarely between the shoulder blades. The flash seared my retinas, leaving a shadow across my vision. When it lifted I saw a shape falling out of the sky.
It was my brother plummeting to earth.
Achoo!
“Mom,” called Zack, his voice thin and reedy, “can I have another pillow?”
I stood on the landing outside his bedroom, listening to him cough and sniffle.
Zack wasn’t dead. We’d found him lying next to some Dumpsters in an alley behind the mall. The fall hadn’t
broken any bones, and other than a twisted ankle, he seemed at first to be unharmed, if a little shaken. But the aliens’ long-range viral agitator turned out to be a fiendishly clever device, with a far more twisted purpose than any of us could have dreamed. Not a death ray, or a heat ray, or even a shrink ray.
“Achoo!” There was a wet thud as a wad of stringy mucus blew out the back of a man-size tissue.
It was a snot ray.
By the time we brought him home yesterday afternoon, the true nature of the alien weapon had revealed itself in all its catarrh-drenched wickedness. The beam that brought down Zack was a flu shot. And it had given him a bout powerful enough to lay him up in bed for days. I could hear the Overlord’s mocking laughter—at Earth’s greatest defender, reduced to watching the invasion of the planet on daytime TV.
As for what had happened to the threatened invasion, I was mystified. Why hadn’t it started yet? Star Guy was down. His superpowers hadn’t gone, exactly, but they were submerged in a soup of phlegm. The greatest obstacle to the sue-dunham’s plans was currently tucked in bed with one nostril clamped onto a decongestant spray. Right about now the sky should have been filled with alien attack ships, the streets ringing with the screams of fleeing humans. If I were the Overlord, I wouldn’t hang around—there’d be plenty of time to gloat afterward. It didn’t make sense. What were the aliens waiting for?
“Mommm!” Zack called again.
“Coming, sweetheart!” She hurried past me, clutching a fresh pillow and muttering, “I didn’t think anyone could be worse than your dad.”
It was true. Dad was an awful patient, but a superhero with a cold is the worst. As soon as Zack’s butt hit the mattress, his demands had started. Theraflu, but not too lemony. And soup: chicken soup, not tomato soup, but not the chicken soup with bits in it, and not the one from the corner store, the one from the deli. Another blanket. But not the blue one.
Mom paused outside his door. “It’s a touch of the flu.” She raised her eyebrows. “You’d think it was the end of the world.”
My Gym Teacher Is an Alien Overlord Page 10
