by Joy Eileen
I text him my address and slipped my shoes on before putting eyeliner around my eyes and slicking Dr. Pepper lip-gloss on my lips. I hated myself with every step I took back to Kill.
My phone notified me of another text. Kill sat on the couch, strumming his guitar, and humming to himself, lost in the music. I stood in the living room watching, spellbound. When he finished the song, he smiled when he caught me watching.
“Ready?” he asked, putting down his guitar and getting up.
“Yep. If you want to stay and practice you don’t have to go with me. That was beautiful,” I said, my nerves jumping all around me.
“You're going to give me a complex. That's the second time you've tried to get me to stay home.”
“I was just trying to be a friend by letting you out of a boring errand, but if you insist on coming with me, who am I to try to stop you?”
He slung his arm over my shoulder, falling into step with me.
“What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t go with you to make such a boring errand more exciting?”
True to his word, he made me laugh the whole shopping trip. On the way home, we sent jabs back and forth, and my sides hurt by the time we put everything away.
I told him I needed to work on my paper. He nodded his head, and I went upstairs; to my dismay, he didn’t follow. Even though we didn’t talk while we worked, it was lonely without him at my side. It took me longer to get into my paper, which irritated me. When I found my groove, after more attempts than I wanted to admit, I became immersed in my work.
I was stunned when I noticed how many hours had flown by. Kill sat in the living room with his guitar.
“I didn’t want to bother you while you were working; I stayed down here so I wouldn’t interrupt you.” He looked self-conscious, and I wanted to admit it would have been less of a nuisance if he just played in my room, instead of making me wonder what he was doing, but I refrained.
“You wouldn’t have bothered me. I have my music up so loud I wouldn’t have noticed you,” I lied; anytime he was near, I was aware of him.
Kill situated his stuff on the kitchen table and started strumming while I made dinner. He would stop every so often to write something in his notebook. When everything was cooking, I sat down across from Kill, listening to him hum while he perfected the song he was working on.
He looked up, blinking away the world he was just lost in. “It smells awful in here, Slick. Whatcha making?”
I shook my head since I had just made everything in front of him. Being so absorbed in his work, he was oblivious to his surroundings. When I tried to find out what he was working on he changed the subject, frustrating me.
“Stop pouting, I promise to tell you when I'm done.”
I stuck my bottom lip out for a while longer, trying to sway his decision, but when I saw he wasn’t going to budge, I sucked it back in.
“Fine, be mysterious, you have to have some ploy to keep a girl interested.”
He laughed at my childish reaction, and the rich sound made me smile, although I tried not to. “You sure know how to make a guy feel good. You should teach classes.”
“Don’t worry, I'm sure your ego can handle it.” I said, mashing the potatoes.
“Yep, definitely should open classes.”
I finished dinner and put it on the counter as Kill went upstairs to wrangle everybody up. Plugging in my curling iron, I opted to get ready while everyone was eating and just pick at the leftovers, so Kill couldn’t monitor my food intake.
After I was finished, taking more time than normal since I would be onstage again, I swapped out the laundry. Everyone was watching T.V. and they looked full and content. Jet saw me first.
“That was fucking amazing. It reminded me of my grandma’s meatloaf. I loved that shit when I was a little kid.”
Amy sat on Jet's lap, unwrapping a Starburst; D snagged one from the package sitting on the table.
“I never used to eat candy until you, now I can’t stay away,” he complained as he popped it in his mouth.
“It just makes you sweeter,” she told him before grabbing Jet’s face, and they mauled each other.
“I made you a plate, it’s in the microwave,” Kill said, grinning, knowing he had beat me at my own game.
“Thanks,” I said, defeated this round. I grabbed my food and sat next to Kill on the floor, making a valiant effort to finish the majority of it.
“Are you good, or do you need liquid courage tonight?” D asked, stealing another candy while Amy was preoccupied with Jet’s lips.
“Ugh, no alcohol tonight. I barely remember getting into bed last night.”
Kill had an amused look on his face, and I once again questioned if he really slept with me last night.
“You did great last night, Faith. I knew you would. My best friend's awesome,” Jessie announced, making Amy remove her face from Jet’s long enough to whine.
“What about me?”
“You're awesome too, but last night was all Faith.”
“I can’t wait to see how many guys show up tonight to see you sing. I bet you quadrupled our fan base," Jet said, before guiding Amy back to his lips to continue sucking on her face.
“I highly doubt that,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I just hope I didn’t make you lose any. I don’t think I'm as good as you think I am.”
Van’s face got red, startling me because I hadn’t seen his anger pointed at me before. “Faith, you need some self-esteem. You're like a sister to me, and anyone that talks shit about you will get their ass kicked, even you.”
“Sorry, it's a knee-jerk reaction.”
Van moved Jessie off of him and got down next to me, pulling me into a big hug.
“Don’t let him win; you're better than that, believe in yourself,” he whispered in my ear, squeezing me before going back to Jessie. He grabbed her hand and put it on his head, moving it around until she rubbed it on her own accord. Satisfied, he leaned into her hand reminding me of a needy cat.
I put my plate away and stood staring at the sink. Was I letting him win? That question made me second guess every choice I had made, since escaping Jason.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing,” I replied, not sure how I felt about Van's statement. He tried to be encouraging but the truth hurt.
“Liar,” Kill taunted, as he stepped closer to me.
“Van told me I need to stop letting him win. Now all I can think about is that I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was by leaving him.” My brain reminded me of my confrontation, but I countered it by reminding it how it ended.
Kill put his arm around my waist and pulled me in front of him, placing his forehead on mine. “He doesn’t want you to go backwards from the progress you've made. What you did was extremely brave. We see the effects of what he did to you, and we want you to break those habits. It's going to take some time to get him out of your system, but we want to help you, because you deserve to be free of him.” His gaze was unwavering, and that look alone made me feel invincible.
“I don’t think my system will ever be pure of him,” I whispered my fear, wanting him to take it away and soothe me.
“Then take what's swimming around in you and make something good out of it,” he said into my hair.
“What?” I asked, hoping he could give me some guidance.
“You're a smart girl, you'll figure it out. Give it time.” He let me go, and I wanted to grab his arms and wrap them around me like a seatbelt, keeping me safe, holding me together as I sped through this life-altering change.
When we went back into the living room, Jessie crawled out of Van's arms. “Are you ready to go?” Jessie asked.
“Yeah, are we driving together?" I asked, wanting her to say no, so I would have the alone time to get my mind focused.
“I’m taking my car so Van and I can go out to dinner after work. So, it's up to you, if you want to ride with me and go with the boys after, or you can take your car,”
she answered, leaning over and kissing Van’s head,
“I’ll drive over. I’m not drinking tonight, so I'll be fine to drive home.”
“I’ll take you, and then you can ride home with me tonight.” Kill took his keys off of the counter.
“It’s ok. I don’t mind driving,” I replied, not wanting to be alone with him.
“If I drink too much tonight you can drive my car.”
The boys collectively inhaled at his offer.
“What the fuck, Kill, you won’t let any of us drive your car.” Jet said, looking pissed off.
Kill flipped him off and grabbed my arm, steering me toward the garage. He snatched up my bag hanging by the staircase and carried it with him.
“You didn’t have to drive me, you know.”
“I know, but I didn’t want you stewing in your thoughts while driving. It’s not safe, and you still have a crazy ex out there. Have you heard from him lately?” he asked.
I shrugged and looked out the side window. My mind went to my encounter with Jason.
“Don’t shut me out. We are friends remember, and if you renege on your deal, then I'm pulling over and fucking you, until I'm all you can remember, which is what I've been dying to do from the moment I saw you, looking sexy and lost when you walked into my bar.”
My thighs clenched, and I wanted nothing more than to take my friendship away just to feel him sliding into me, making me forget everything, but I denied myself.
“I've had some private calls, but I can’t be sure they're from him, and I haven’t had one of those in a couple of days.” I said, and even with his sunglasses on, I could feel the disappointment radiating off of him.
“That doesn’t mean anything. He's probably switching his game plan wondering if you'll come to him if he waits you out.” He was questioning my resistance toward Jason, and it made me mad.
“I'm not her! I'm not going back to him. If I did, he would own me forever or until he ended me,” I snarled.
It was a low blow to bring up his past regrets, but I felt it was fair since he kept pushing them on me. Of course Jason was still out there waiting for me. He made that much clear when he showed up at Ray's.
“I know you aren’t. I’m sorry I was being an ass, I just.... I just worry about you.”
Realizing this conversation was useless, I changed tactics. “Did the great and powerful Kill just apologize? Where are the paparazzi when you need them?”
I pretended to try and get a glimpse of the elusive paparazzi. Getting his half-smile in place made me feel like I just accomplished something worthwhile.
“I'll never admit it, and if you tell anyone they won’t believe you anyway. I'm the consummate badass.”
We pulled up to the back of the bar, and he put his car in park to lean into me. I could smell the mint from his gum lingering on his mouth and wanted nothing more than to swipe my tongue across his full lips.
“No more thinking tonight. I'll see you later and when you're onstage with me tonight, let all the crazy emotions swirling inside you, out.”
I focused on his lips, watching the words leave them, wanting to inhale them. At that moment I couldn’t remember why I had resisted him for so long.
As I leaned into him there a knock on the driver’s side window, breaking the connection. I was ready to shoot lasers from my eyes at the person who interrupted us, but when I saw who it was, it felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on me.
Bambi leaned down to peer into the window scowling at me, but when Kill turned his head, she was all smiles, squeezing her arms to her sides, causing her boobs to pop out.
Kill sighed and rolled down his window. I seized the opportunity to get my stuff and scurry out of the car without saying goodbye. I escaped as fast as I could so I didn’t give into the temptation to listen to their conversation.
Chapter 18
Because I was in such a hurry, I didn’t see Misty until I practically ran her over. I caught her arm to keep her from falling on her ass.
“Faith, are you ok? You were running so fast, I expected a man with a hockey mask to be chasing you.”
It took me a moment to notice she was being civil.
“Listen, I've been a bitch to you and I'm sorry,” she apologized. “I'm still pissed at Kill, but I realized he isn’t going to change, and I need to accept that. Besides, I heard he's with Bambi, and I had the wrong idea about the two of you.” Hurt flashed through her eyes, but it disappeared in a blink.
I understood she wanted to make our encounters less awkward, and this was her peace offering, but it didn’t ease the pain slicing through my stomach when she spoke.
“Bambi thinks they'll last. I wanted to tell her Kill never stays with one girl for too long, but she wouldn't have listened if I tried. Have a good night.”
And then poof, she was gone. Her words branded my heart with the painful truth I needed to remember in order to keep my heart in place.
I walked to the breakroom in a fog, wishing Kill would be the same guy he was with everyone else; it would make it easier to keep my feelings from growing. They didn’t see him as I did; considerate, funny, loyal, and passionate, well, I'm sure most of the females in Portland were aware of his passion, but the other things he showed me on a daily basis, seemed to be lost on everyone else.
Bambi flounced in as I stared blankly into my locker, hoping the contents would bring me clarity. Like when you walk into your kitchen and open the fridge numerous times, hoping it had sprouted something edible while you were away.
“Kill just feels sorry for you. Stay away from him,” Bambi hissed, as she pulled her shirt down to show the edge of her bra.
I hated that someone like her could hurt me. Jessie came running in looking flushed.
“Where have you been young lady?” I teased, ignoring Bambi and her cutting remarks.
“Shut up,” she snapped, kissing me on the cheek. We walked into the bar together, leaving Bambi to primp and preen by herself.
“Have you talked to your parents?” I asked, as we walked over to Ryan, who was pouring a bright green concoction into a glass, while a girl with a tiara and bride-to-be sash giggled with her friends.
“No, not yet.” She looked so sad. I put my arm around her waist to give her a quick hug.
“Why don’t we go to lunch on Monday?” she asked, hugging me back.
When she mentioned Monday, I flinched. Remembering I needed to check my phone for Robert’s response.
“Monday's fine, but I have a date at six-thirty,” I said, cringing when she screeched at me.
“With who?”
“Remember that guy, Robert, at The Note?”
She nodded her head yes.
“Well, he came in here and asked me out, and I said yes.” I took my tray ready to run off, not wanting to discuss it further.
“Monday, you and I have a lot to talk about. I'll let you avoid the subject until then, because I'm avoiding my own stuff right now, but Monday we need to have some serious confession time.”
I took the order from table of giggling couples, ordering drinks with sexual innuendos in them, each trying to one up the other. In fact, I was pretty sure the last drink didn’t exist. Before I could leave to put their orders in, one of them stopped me.
“Are you, Faith, the singing waitress?”
My cheeks flooded red from the recognition. “I'm Faith, and I sang with the JackholeS last night. So, I guess I am,” I said, unsure how to respond.
“Oh my god. We have the singing waitress at our table. Can we get a picture?”
One of the girls intercepted Bambi, asking if she could take the picture. Bambi looked like she wanted to bitch-slap the girl, and I had to bite the inside of cheek to keep from laughing. I posed in the middle with them, not having to fake the smile on my face as Bambi snapped the picture and set the phone on the table with a loud bang and walked away.
“So, is she the bitchy waitress?” The guy sitting next to the girl now checking her ph
one for damage asked.
“Yep,” I replied, feeling giddy as I walked away.
“What the hell is a double penetration?” Ryan asked when I handed her my order from my now favorite table, besides the boys' of course.
“I don’t know. They were trying to one up each other with sexual innuendos, so have fun concocting it, I don’t think they care.”
Ryan had an evil glint in her eyes, as she put together the drink in her head. “I will have it up for you in a minute.”
She rubbed her hands together, and I was scared for the guy that would end up with whatever concoction that facial expression was inventing.
When I came back, my tray was full for my second favorite table, and there was a drink on it that was bright red on the top, and purple on the bottom.
“Don’t ask what's in it; just tell him if he wants another he will be cut off because two's the limit on these. Get it, double penetration?” Ryan giggled evilly as I took my tray to the waiting table.
When I gave him Ryan’s warning, the rest of the table ordered a double penetration for their next drink. By my sixth picture request of the night, my face didn’t flame fire engine red anymore, it was now a much subtler wine-cooler pink.
The bell above the door rang, but before Jet could make his announcement, the bar chanted for the JackholeS. Amy took the Tootsie-Pop out of his mouth, putting it in hers so he could greet his fans properly.
“The awesome has arrived bitches. Are you ready to get rocked?”
The bar exploded, and the newly acquired male customers looked around, not knowing what was going on. I laughed at their expressions, most of them looked like they had bitten off more than they could chew by coming here.
The rest of the boys followed, and I made sure I wasn't hidden when Kill entered. I wanted to see where his eyes landed first, me or Bambi. I felt sick resorting to such teenage games, but I couldn’t help it.
Kill's eyes swept past Bambi first and they smiled at each other. My heart dropped into my stomach, keeping the boulder company. He continued his scan until they landed on me.
