by Lynsey James
Jake shook his head. ‘You ran off?! Poor blokes!’
‘Whenever it looked like it might get serious, I’d get scared and break it off. I used to use terrible excuses too, like they had too much nose hair or I didn’t like the way they sipped their tea. It wasn’t any of their faults; I’ve got used to keeping people at arm’s length and I’ve forgotten how to be any different. Something happened eight years ago Jake, something bad – and because of it, I don’t feel like I deserve anyone good in my life. When I first went to London, I kind of flip-flopped from place to place and didn’t really get close to anyone. I’ve only known George for about two or three years, although you’d think it was longer.’
I sipped at my wine before continuing. So much for not telling any inappropriate secrets. ‘At first, I thought I’d become one of those city girls you know: good friends, great job, flash apartment by the Thames. But do you know what? It was lonely. I had friends but never connected with anyone, a lot of really bad jobs before I found one I loved and I never did get that apartment by the Thames! Spent most of my time missing here and wishing I could rewrite history. How’s that for sad?’
Jake’s fingers lost themselves in my hair and despite feeling absolutely terrified, I didn’t pull away. Although I’d just been talking about not being able to let people in, the rules were different with Jake. I’d been drawn to him from the moment we’d met, despite his spikiness. Talking to him and peeling back the crabby outer layers to reveal the sweet, sensitive side underneath had completely ensnared me. I was done for. We’d gotten closer tonight and somewhere along the line, I’d decided to listen to that little voice and let things happen. I could feel the electricity crackle and hiss between us. We were on the cusp of something wonderful, but whether my fear would let me fall into it was a whole other story.
As always happened when I was nervous, my brain looked for ways to fill any gaps in conversation. I hadn’t quite reached bursting-into-song territory yet, but I had reached the stage of incoherent babbling. I got up from the seat and started walking around the living room.
‘You know I’ve been thinking; how much of a crapbag must I be to run out on guys who genuinely wanted to be with me? I mean, who does that?! OK none of them were perfect, but they all wanted me. That should be enough right? I’ve not had a lot of experience in the romance department but –’
Jake interrupted my reverie by pulling me in for a soft, sweet kiss. I pulled away and looked at him for a moment; I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Then, before I knew it, his arms were round me and he was pulling me in deeper. I stumbled backwards against the living room wall and he used his hands to steady me, then brushed some hair away from my face and kissed my forehead, nose then my lips. My knees trembled, my heart soared and I readied myself to fall straight into the moment.
But I didn’t.
Maya’s crying interrupted and Jake groaned heavily against me.
‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ he said, ‘she’s probably just woken herself up.’
When he disappeared to see to Maya, I stood against the wall and wondered just what the hell I thought I was doing. Jake was a great guy; the last thing he needed was me and my baggage complicating his life. He had enough on his plate already.
No, it was best to leave quietly before things went too far.
So that’s exactly what I did.
Chapter Thirteen
Rose Cottage looked beautiful as the sun rose.
I knew this because I was there before dawn the next morning, slapping white gloss onto the skirting boards and facings. After last night’s debacle with Jake, I needed something to focus my mind on and my beautiful beachside cottage was as good a distraction as any. The sun rose from behind the jagged black cliffs and spread like long tapered fingers throughout the cottage, touching everything in its path and making it look new and wonderful again.
Everything except me.
The sunny yellow paint had dried beautifully and made the room look bright and cheerful. Which was a complete contrast to how I felt. I mentally kicked myself as I painted, wondering what on earth had possessed me to run out on Jake after he’d kissed me. I’d had a golden opportunity to say ‘fuck it’ to the past and allow myself to be happy, but no. I’d done what I always did in those situations and run off.
I tried to clear my mind and focus on the tired, grey woodwork I was currently working on, and drowned out the voices telling me what a massive twat I’d been by going through my mental list of plans for the cottage. Next job after this would be to sand the floorboards, then fill the room with furniture, then do the kitchen… I slipped into a slow, comfortable routine and left my mess of a life far, far behind.
At lunchtime, Mum dragged me away from the cottage and insisted we go to the Moonlight Café for some tea and cake.
‘You need a break,’ she said. ‘You’ve been cooped up in that cottage all morning; it’s time to rejoin society!’
So despite the fact I was sweaty, covered in paint and in no mood to socialise, I went over to the café with her. We picked a spot by the window, where we could see all the comings and goings on Luna Bay high street. Residents milled by, bags piled high with groceries from Frank’s corner shop or any of the little independent stores that lined the high street.
‘So how’s the house coming?’ Mum asked. ‘Have you got much done?’
I was just about to tell her about the progress I’d made in the living room, when the café’s newest customer distracted me. It was Jake. He cast me a stony glare then headed straight up to the counter to talk to Diane.
‘Er yeah, the living room’s been painted. George and Elle helped me and I glossed all the skirting boards today. I’ve just got to sand the floorboards then I might be able to move some stuff into it.’
As I spoke, I kept sneaking glances over at Jake. If he saw me, he didn’t show it. He was far too engrossed in talking to Diane, who handed him a large mug of coffee and a slice of carrot cake. He took it and sat as far away from me as possible, flicking his gaze up at me one last time before turning his attentions elsewhere.
‘Jake’s quite cute isn’t he?’ Mum said with a knowing look, nodding her head in his direction.
I shrugged. ‘Haven’t really noticed.’
‘Liar! You told me you were having dinner with him after the book club meeting last night, so don’t play the innocent with me. You forget I’ve been your mother for twenty-six years!’
I blushed furiously and stabbed at my chocolate cake with my fork. ‘It was a business dinner; I was helping him plan some events for the pub.’
I was now thoroughly living up to my nickname of liar. I didn’t bother telling her about the amazing kiss we’d shared or the disappearing act that followed. That would only open up a can of worms I couldn’t be arsed dealing with at the moment.
‘And the rest!’ She looked at me with her huge brown eyes that could read me like a book. ‘I remember what you were like when you were younger; you, Vicky and Elle were always chasing after boys, usually the same one! You always used to think them two outshone you, remember?’
‘That’s because they did!’ I laughed and ate some more cake. ‘They were way more confident than me; I was always the one that stood back while they were busy being fabulous and the centre of attention.’
‘You were just as fabulous as them Lucy, just in other ways. You might not have been the loudest, but you were the most caring out the three of you and you managed to really connect with people. They might’ve had people’s attention for a few seconds, but when you had it you managed to keep it. You still do now.’
She subtly gestured to Jake’s table and I was just in time to see him quickly avert his gaze away from me. He took a last mouthful of cake then stormed out.
I rolled my eyes. ‘The only thing I seem to be able to do now is arse things up.’
I proved myself right on the arsing-things-up front by going to The Purple Partridge after I’d waved bye to Mum, saying Ja
ke and I had business to attend to. I walked in and calmly made my way to the bar. When Jake saw me, he slunk off to the other side out of sight.
‘What can I get you?’ Nicole asked, her voice still as high and syrupy as always.
‘Actually, I was wondering if I could speak to Jake?’
She folded her arms and gave a smug little pout. ‘He told me to tell you he doesn’t want to speak to you.’
I sighed and gritted my teeth. Blowing up at her wouldn’t do any good, although it was tempting. ‘It’s really important Nicole, can you tell him I need to see him please?’
‘No can do, I’m afraid! He doesn’t want to see you.’
Just then, Jake appeared. ‘It’s all right Nicole. I’ll deal with this.’
He looked at me like I was a drunken, irate customer who was refusing to leave. Nicole narrowed her eyes at me before stalking off to serve another customer.
‘Can I help you?’ he asked. Instead of leaning on the bar like he usually did, his posture was stiff, stern and straight. He looked like a bouncer rather than a slightly moody barman who had kissed me last night.
I kept my voice low and leaned in, so people around us wouldn’t hear. ‘I wanted to talk about last night.’
He shrugged, his face blank and set into a coldly neutral expression. ‘What about it?’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Look, can we just cut the crap and have a proper chat about this? When you kissed me last night, well, it threw me and I didn’t know what to do. That’s why I took off and I’m sorry.’
A flicker of emotion passed over him, although he did his best to cover it up.
‘Lucy, you don’t have to apologise. I shouldn’t have kissed you; it was a mistake. Neither of us is really in the best place to be with someone at the moment, so we should probably just chalk it up to experience and move on.’
Somewhere deep inside me, I felt a pang of hurt. As much as I wanted him to be wrong, he wasn’t.
‘You’re right,’ I agreed, ‘we’re both kind of messed up aren’t we?’
‘Big time! You can’t let go of what happened eight years ago and I’m still recovering from Rachel walking out on me. Fine pair we’d make eh, we’d have disaster written all over us.’
I squirmed a little and pushed myself off of the bar. ‘Yeah you’re right. It’s better for everyone if we leave it before we get too involved. It’s totally fine, really.’
Except it wasn’t totally fine. I wanted more than what he was offering, but I was too scared to say.
‘And don’t worry,’ I added, ‘I won’t tell anyone about… you know…’
He nodded and smiled. ‘Thanks, I appreciate that. Are you staying for a drink?’
‘No, lots to do at the cottage. I-I’ll see you around though.’
I spun on my heel, desperate to get away from Jake as soon as possible. It was too painful to be in his company, knowing he didn’t want the same thing as me. Luckily for my bruised heart, there was an entire cottage waiting for me to renovate.
Later that night, long after the moon had risen over Luna Bay, I stepped back to admire my day’s handiwork. The living room skirting boards and facings were glossed to perfection, as were the skirting boards and facings of every other room in the house. My earlier encounter with Jake had made me go through the whole cottage and gloss every piece of wood I could fine and now Rose Cottage smelled so strongly of paint my head was spinning, but I didn’t care. This was my little corner of the world and it was slowly transforming into a beautiful, liveable space.
Not to mention distracting me from certain moody bastards who ran village pubs.
The next book club meeting took place at the Moonlight Café. Most of the week had been spent avoiding Jake and renovating the cottage, yet I’d devoured Graeme Simsion’s quirky love story with a voracity I hadn’t experienced with a book before. Don and Rosie immediately captured my heart and whisked me away to the bright lights of Australia and New York, instead of the damp late-spring Luna Bay with its hostile residents and moody pub landlords.
I got there nice and early and took a seat. Diane and Denise were talking in the corner, looking over at me every so often. Although I couldn’t tell what they were saying, I could see they were in conflict. Denise’s hand movements became larger and more animated, and her cheeks flushed more furiously than ever as she argued with Diane.
‘Hi guys.’ I waved and smiled at them, receiving awkward ones in return. ‘Did you enjoy the book?’
I held up my dog-eared copy of The Rosie Project, which was marked with coffee stains at the corners. I’d read it in between DIY projects at Rose Cottage, some successful and some not. Sanding the living room floorboards had gone all right, but I’d almost flooded the bathroom after deciding I was totally capable of doing some light plumbing work. I’d clearly learnt nothing from my dad’s escapades!
‘We did, didn’t we Diane? It was a really good book, wasn’t it?’ From behind her round spectacles, Denise looked up at her friend, willing her to give a civil answer.
‘Yes, I loved it,’ Diane replied, wearing something that looked like a smile. ‘The characters were interesting and the plot was engaging.’
‘Will Maggie be joining us today?’ I asked with a small grin.
I was secretly quite thrilled to see Diane look a little off-kilter. She deserved it for springing my worst enemy on me to provoke a reaction that luckily didn’t come.
‘No, she won’t be. She said the club isn’t for her and she won’t be back for any more meetings.’
She eventually had the nerve to meet my eyes, but quickly looked away again.
‘That’s a shame,’ I replied with all the sincerity I could muster. ‘It would’ve been nice to have her.’
Without saying another word, she went behind the counter to organise some drinks for the meeting.
Denise wandered over to the table, looking a bit lost and unsure whether she wanted to sit down or not.
‘Come and sit with me if you like,’ I offered, patting the chair next to mine.
She looked delighted that I’d asked for her company and sat down next to me, a huge beaming smile lighting up her face.
‘How’ve you been this week? Easier than last, I hope.’
‘Not having Rebecca’s birthday to contend with definitely helped. I’ve spent a lot of time sitting in her room this week actually, just so I can feel close to her. It helps to be around her things, you know: her soft toys, her books, her clothes. Everything’s exactly as she left it and I like that. It’s like a little bit of last year’s still frozen in time, so it’s almost as if she’s still here in a way… Her room’s just there, waiting for her to come back.’
She didn’t cry this time, but she still looked unbearably sad. Although her face was smiling, her eyes weren’t and the pain in them was plain for anyone to see.
‘Have you thought any more about the charity skydive?’ I asked. ‘I know it’s none of my business, but I thought doing something to honour Rebecca would help you to maybe let some of the grief out. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t imagine how painful it is to lose a child, but maybe accomplishing something on your list could mark the start of something new for you.’
I clasped Denise’s chubby hand in mine and squeezed it tight. She looked lost in her own thoughts for a moment, like she was a million miles away from Luna Bay.
‘It’s funny… The club never mentions moving on from our grief. Your nana never mentioned it while she was running it. I reckon she thought if we all became happy again, the club would disband. It’s so frustrating seeing who people could be, isn’t it?’
She got up and went to help Diane sort out some drinks and snacks for the members. My shoulders slumped; I was completely failing at doing what Nana Lily wanted so far. I hadn’t helped any of the members move on at all. They were all still stuck in their grief and sinking into it like quicksand.
Something had to change.
I was about to talk to Denise about my thoughts when Ja
ke came in. Our eyes locked and my mouth dropped open. I probably looked like I’d seen a ghost. My heart began to race. Maybe he’d changed his mind about us being disastrous together and had come down to tell me in person.
‘Hiya!’ I smiled brightly, hoping he’d give away the reason he’d turned up tonight. ‘Are you here for the meeting?’
‘Yeah, thought I’d give it a go and see what it was like. Managed to find some cover, so why not eh?’ He wasn’t being open and friendly like he usually was; his guard was firmly in place. It was clear my running out on him had bothered him more than he wanted to admit.
He handed me a piece of paper then went over to talk to Diane. They looked deep in conversation from what I could see. Both their heads craned round to look at me with suspicion and I felt sick to my stomach. Was he telling her how I’d run out on him the other night? He’d seemed fine about it, understanding even, but who knew how he really felt? Diane could also be filling his head with nonsense that meant the option of us being together would be permanently taken away. I looked at the leaflet he’d handed me: it was a flyer for The Purple Partridge’s inaugural cocktail night, taking place in two weeks’ time.
‘You finally set a date for having the cocktail night then!’ I gestured to the flyer. ‘I’m impressed!’
‘Thanks! You gave me the idea really, just needed to put it into action.’
The awkwardness between us was palpable. He clearly hadn’t come to tell me he’d been too hasty in his decision; he really was just here for the meeting.
‘Are things a bit awkward with you and Jake?’ Denise asked, nodding her head in his direction.
‘You could say that.’ I grimaced and grabbed a custard cream from the plate in the middle of the table. It was gone in two bites.
‘He’s been staring round at you every two minutes since he came in!’
