by Isabel Wolff
‘It’s all right,’ David murmured, turning back to me. ‘You don’t have to tell me.’
‘I know I don’t,’ I replied. ‘But I’ve just realized, sitting here, that I’d actually like to tell you.’ David looked at me, then lowered his glass. ‘After the play we went to this Cuban bar in the Strand and, admittedly, Alexander had had a couple of drinks. But that doesn’t excuse what he did. Anyway, we left at about eleven to get back to Herman. And we got the Northern Line back to Archway. Alexander’s flat was a ten-minute walk from the tube, and we’d had a nice evening and we were in a good mood. I think we were discussing when exactly in September our wedding would be.’ I heard myself breathe in, then exhale. ‘And although my memory of it is a bit foggy, I do vaguely recall hearing steps behind us as we walked up Holloway Road. And we’d just turned into Alexander’s road, Harberton Road, when suddenly these three men—well, youths really—appeared. And although you’ll think this is mad, my immediate thought was that they wanted directions, because people are always asking me for directions—even when I’m abroad and haven’t a clue. But I quickly realized that that wasn’t what they wanted at all—because by now they were barring our way. And then…then…’ I twisted my napkin in my hands. ‘Then they started saying, “What have you got for us? What have you got for us?” Like that. Several times. “What have you got?” Then one of them grabbed at my bag. And he was pulling at it, and I was pulling back, trying to hang onto it, and screaming. I remember the pain in my shoulder as they yanked on it and the way the strap burned my wrist. And they were calling me a fucking bitch and saying that they’d slit my throat. And I was still struggling, determined that they weren’t going to get it, when one of them hit me. Just here.’ I touched my left cheek. ‘And I fell. I was lying there, crying with the shock, and my bag had gone, and so had they. Or rather, two of them had.’ I stopped. David’s face was a mask. ‘The third one was still there. He was trying to get my engagement ring off, but I’d clenched my fist hard. He was trying to prise open my fingers—I thought he’d break them—I still remember his rasping breath in my ear. Then I felt this terrible pain in my side, and a soft crunch, and I couldn’t breathe—it was agony. Then I felt the ring being removed. Then I heard running footsteps, and, not long after, a police siren.’ My throat ached. ‘Sorry.’ The yellow rose had blurred. ‘Sorry.’ There was silence.
‘And where was Alexander?’ David asked gently.
I felt a wave of shame. ‘Well…that’s just it.’ And now my eyes spilled over.
‘He wasn’t there?’ I didn’t reply. ‘He ran away?’ I nodded. David laid his hand on mine, and a tear fell onto it with a quiet splash. He reached into his pocket and handed me a hanky. There was a pause. ‘And when did you see him next?’
‘At the hospital. The ambulance had taken me to the Whittington. And I was lying on this trolley in casualty, and it hurt to breathe because of my rib, and the back of my head was very painful because I’d cracked it on the kerb when I fell. And they’d given me this strong painkiller, which was making me feel sick. Then, the curtain parted and there was Alexander. I’ll never forget the look on his face. He was shocked, of course—not least because my face was a mess. But at the same time I could see that he felt ashamed, but was trying not to show it.’
‘Jesus. What did he say?’
‘Nothing at first. Then he said, “Oh, Miranda”, like that. Then he tried to hold my hand, but I wouldn’t let him. I just looked at him, then looked away. And in that moment we both knew that it was over.’
‘Did he try to explain himself?’
‘He said that he’d shouted at me to run, that he’d thought I was running with him.’
‘Do you remember hearing him shout?’
‘No. But then there was a lot of confusion. Maybe he did, I don’t know…’
‘But in any case…’ David murmured, shaking his head. ‘He should have made sure.’
‘Yes,’ I croaked. ‘He should have made sure.’ I pressed the hanky to my eyes. ‘But he didn’t. He just…ran off. It was that animal instinct—fight or flight; and Alexander flew. I realized within a few seconds that he’d gone. And do you know what I kept thinking? I kept thinking how amazing it was that he’d been able to run so fast, because he had a serious cartilage problem. Anyway,’ I sniffed, ‘that is why I ended my engagement.’
‘What a terrible story,’ said David. He reached for my hand again, and held it in both his. ‘Not least because you’re so small. But you put up a real fight. You were brave.’
‘I wasn’t brave,’ I said. ‘Just angry. And the irony is that I didn’t want them to get the engagement ring—because it meant so much to me. Even though Alexander had already gone. His name means “Defender”,’ I added. ‘“Defender of men”. I thought about that quite a bit too.’
‘So has he…apologized to you?’
‘No. Because that would be to admit what he did. That’s why I’m so profoundly hurt. Because if he’d only said that he was sorry and acknowledged how badly he’d let me down then I’d have been able to forgive him. I wouldn’t respect him, but I could let it go. But he just made excuses, trying to make out that it was some sort of awful mix-up and that he thought I was okay, and that maybe he’d got confused in the heat of the moment because he’d had a couple of drinks.’
‘So what did he tell the cops?’
I smiled bitterly. ‘He gave them a statement in the hospital. And at first he told them the same story—that he thought I was with him. Then he said that when he’d realized I wasn’t, he’d decided to run to his flat to raise the alarm. But the point is…’
‘That he had a mobile phone?’
I nodded. ‘He did ring the police, but by then someone had already dialled nine-nine-nine.’
‘And how do you feel about him now?’
I sighed, then shook my head. ‘All sorts of things. Anger, mostly, but I also have this dragging sense of sadness and disappointment.’ I tapped my sternum. ‘Right here. It sort of pulls me down. Because I’d thought Alexander was wonderful. There was nothing about him that I didn’t like. But then I was suddenly made to see him in an entirely new light.’
‘Weren’t there any signs beforehand?’
‘There were, though I didn’t attach enough importance to them at the time—that was my mistake. The main clue was that he was impulsive—he’d suddenly do things on a whim. I’d found it rather endearing—until then. He wasn’t a…solid sort of man, I suppose. But he was such good fun, and he was in love with me, and I imagined that I was in love with him. I was certainly very happy to be with him. I haven’t had that many relationships, you see.’ David looked into my eyes. ‘Hardly any, actually.’
‘Why not?’
I shrugged. ‘I don’t…know,’ I lied. ‘I’ve just…avoided them for…various reasons. For most of my adult life, I’ve been on my own. So being with Alexander was a big thing for me.’
‘And do you have any contact with him now?’
‘None. I don’t want to see him again. And he doesn’t want to see me either, because he feels too ashamed. So the next day Daisy went and collected Herman, and my things, from his flat. And I haven’t laid eyes on him since that night.’
‘So he didn’t argue about the relationship ending.’
‘No, although he was clearly shocked that it happened so fast. I think he thought we’d talk about it, but to me it was crystal clear. The big, strong man, who said he loved me, had abandoned me to be mugged. He did write to me afterwards, to say that he was sorry that I—what was it?—oh yes, “felt the way I did”. As though I’d left him for some other, far more trivial, reason. But he didn’t say that he was sorry. But, tellingly, he asked me not to mention the “incident in Archway”, as he delicately put it, because he was obviously worried that I’d spill the beans. Anyway, I’ve obliged him on that front. Only Daisy knows—and now you do too—but I know you’re not going to tell anybody.’
David shook his head. ‘No. I’
m not. In any case, you haven’t told me his second name so I don’t even know who he is. All I’d say is that you don’t have to protect him, Miranda.’
‘I’m not protecting him—I’m protecting myself.’
‘But why?’
‘Because the whole thing makes me feel so ashamed. The humiliation of it. Can’t you see? As though I wasn’t worth defending.’
He looked at me. ‘I’d have defended you. To the death,’ he added with a melodramatic smile. ‘Seriously, Miranda, I would. I’d have protected you.’
I half-smiled. ‘I believe you, actually.’
‘To be honest, most men would. I think what he did was very…unusual.’
‘Yes,’ I murmured. ‘That’s what makes it even worse.’
‘How long were you in hospital?’
‘Just one night. At least my injuries weren’t grievous; a broken rib, some bad facial bruising and a nasty bump to the head. Anyway it’s all healed now.’
‘And psychologically? That’s so much harder to get over than the physical damage.’ I knew that he was speaking from experience.
‘I could hardly sleep for the first month. I had bad dreams and flashbacks—I still do. And I’m very tense on the street. I can’t stand it if anyone comes up to me, or even walks too close to me. I have to fight the urge to scream at them.’
‘Well, no one’s going to be doing that tonight, because I’m going to take you home.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, I’ve got my car.’
We left the restaurant and crossed over Queensway into Moscow Road, where David had parked his black Saab.
‘I imagine it’s made you distrustful of men,’ David said as he started the engine.
‘I already was distrustful of them.’
‘Why?’
‘Because the ones I’ve been close to—from my dad onwards—have either let me down, or betrayed me in some way.’ Now, I remembered my dream about The Wizard of Oz, with Alexander and Jimmy both playing the cowardly lion.
‘It’s sad that you feel like that,’ David said quietly, as we drove down Sussex Gardens.
‘I can’t help it.’
‘And have the muggers been caught?’
‘No. They found my bag in a dustbin the next day. All they’d taken was the credit card, the purse, and the phone. And the engagement ring, of course. The police contact me from time to time, but nothing’s happened yet. No ID parades or anything like that, not that I’d ever want to set eyes on them again—even in the dock. I just want to forget.’
‘You must hate them,’ he said quietly, as we waited to turn right into Marylebone Road. I heard the hypnotic tick-tock of his indicator, like a metronome.
‘I’m not very fond of them, no.’
‘That kind of physical attack is very hard to get over,’ he said, as we moved off again. ‘I know that because I’ve been through it too. You see, what happened with my hands…’ I glanced at his left one as he changed gear, ‘…wasn’t an accident.’
My stomach began to churn. ‘Wasn’t it?’ I heard myself say. We passed the Planetarium then turned left into the park.
‘No. I told you it was, because that’s what I tell people—because I don’t like talking about it. But it wasn’t an accident at all.’
‘No?’ I said faintly.
‘It was a letter-bomb. It had been sent to my father by an animal rights group, but I opened it…’ Because it was your birthday. ‘…because it was my birthday.’ I felt tears prick the backs of my eyes. ‘Usually I was careful to read the envelopes first as Dad and I shared the same initial—his name was Derek—’ Yes, I know it was. ‘—but I was expecting a few things in the post that day. And I was the first to come down, and there was this parcel on the mat. So I unwrapped it, and inside was a video. And I remember thinking that it was odd that someone had sent me a video, as we didn’t actually have a video player then; I also remember thinking that it had a slightly strange smell. But I had no reason to be suspicious, so I opened it. There was this thudding sound—not a “bang”, interestingly, but a “thud”—and a bright blue-white flash—like oxyacetylene—and a flame, then I couldn’t see. Then everyone came running, my parents and my brother, and then the pain began to kick in and I was hyperventilating, and there was quite a lot of blood, obviously, and this awful caustic smell…’
‘Oh David.’
‘Then the ambulance came. They sedated me, rushed me to Brighton Hospital, and I was in the burns unit for about a month. Then the long haul with the skin grafts began.’
‘Oh David. I can’t bear it.’ My throat ached. ‘It’s just so awful. I’m so sorry. It’s so awful.’ He reached his left hand out and placed it on mine for a moment.
‘It’s okay, Miranda, you don’t have to feel so upset about it.’ I do. I do. ‘It was a long time ago. And at least my eyes were okay—thank God. I just got a bit of shrapnel in my face—all I’ve got is this tiny scar, here—’ he touched his cheek, ‘—you must have noticed it. Anyway—to cut a long story short, I know what it feels like to be physically assaulted by a stranger, so I can sympathize.’
‘Yes, but what you went through was a thousand times worse. Mine was just a common or garden mugging, David; it wasn’t nice, but I can get over it. But you—you…’ I stared out of the window again, my eyes brimming now with unshed tears. ‘You could have been killed.’ I could have killed you.
‘The device wasn’t big enough—though I don’t know whether they knew that, as the police said it wasn’t a particularly competent job. But yes, I could have been, I suppose; or my dad could have been, because of course it was intended for him. But, you know, that was weird in itself, because he wasn’t involved in animal experiments at all. I mean, he had a pet rat in his lab, Rupert, which he’d actually saved from vivisection. But most of his research was plant-based. That’s why he was never able to understand it. To his dying day it totally mystified him. He always assumed that they’d targeted him out of ignorance.’
Why did Jimmy do it, I wondered again. Why?
‘And no one was ever caught,’ I murmured.
‘No, they weren’t. How do you know that?’
‘No, I—I don’t know that—I was just asking you. No-one was ever caught—were they?’
‘No. There were no witnesses. The device was delivered very early, you see. No one knows exactly what time.’ Five a.m. ‘The milkman said he thought he’d seen a slim figure cycling away.’
‘Really?’
‘But it turned out to be the paper girl.’
‘Oh.’
‘The investigation went on for several months. But all the hard-core animal rights extremists were in the clear because they had alibis. That’s what’s been so hard, I think. I got over the physical injuries a long time ago—I was young—I healed. But the psychological effect has never left me—partly because I never had anyone to blame. This totally unknown person turned my whole life upside down that morning—they detonated it. Literally. And to this day I have no idea who that person was, or what it was that motivated them.’ A silence descended, punctuated only by the hum of the engine.
‘And would you want to know? I mean, if it were possible to find out? Would you want to know who they were?’
‘Well, that’s not very likely as it was so long ago.’
‘But if you could, somehow, discover who it was—would you want to find out?’
‘Yes. I would. Of course I would. I’d like to come face to face with that person.’
I felt my sternum tighten, as though a large screw was being turned in my chest. ‘And then what?’ I whispered. ‘What would you do?’
‘What would I do?’ he repeated blankly. ‘I really don’t know.’
‘Do you think you’d be able to forgive them?’
‘Forgive them? Do you think you could forgive the men who mugged you?’
‘Well, if they said that they were truly sorry for what they did and gave me back my things—not that that’s a very
likely scenario—then yes, I probably could. If someone’s genuinely contrite, you have to forgive them—don’t you? Don’t you?’ I persisted. ‘Tell me.’
‘These are difficult questions, Miranda. I don’t know.’
‘But I want to know whether you, personally, could forgive the person who…who put that bomb through the door?’ I watched his face strobing in the streetlights as I waited for an answer.
‘No,’ he said. My heart stopped. ‘I couldn’t. Or at least, I don’t think I could. Some things can never be forgiven. Why should they be? I’ve photographed too many unforgivable things, Miranda, to feel that.’ He was turning right now, into the Mews. ‘Anyway, I’m glad I’ve told you about it. I wanted to tell you last week but I thought it was a bit heavy for a first date. I was worried that it might horrify you,’ he added. It does horrify me. It does, it does…‘Anyway, here we are.’ He’d stopped right outside the house. Shall I see you to your door?’ he asked.
I smiled. ‘It’s all right, David. I don’t think we can get any closer.’
He took my hand, then leaned forward. ‘Well, actually. I think we can.’ And now he took my face in his hands, and pulled me towards him, then I felt his lips on mine, pressing gently at first, then slightly harder, and I felt myself kissing him back.
‘You’re lovely, Miranda,’ he murmured. Would you be saying that if you knew who I was? ‘You’re lovely. You intrigue me.’
I panicked. You can’t do this until he knows. I undid my seat belt and opened my door. ‘I—’
David saw my expression. ‘I know,’ he said gently. ‘It’s too soon, Miranda—isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ I replied quietly. ‘I think it’s too soon.’
CHAPTER 9
‘He kissed you!’ Daisy almost shouted on Monday.
‘Please, shhhh, Daisy,’ I hissed. We were in the Heals café where we’d met for a quick lunch. It was crowded, but we’d managed to get a corner table.
‘He kissed you,’ she repeated, in an awe-struck whisper. ‘Blimey. Anything else?’
