After briefing his officer and Mary, he left. He took a deep breath that to his surprise came out like a shudder, when he left the house. He walked through the blowing snow to his SUV parked on the side of the road, trying to regain his composure. He was able on a daily basis to not think about his parents. He’d also been able to block most of the details about his childhood years.
Yes, he remembered the substance abuse, the filth, the hoarding. But this, what he’d seen today, the little details, they made him remember the other shit. The rodents. The image of a bottle dangling in his mother or father’s hand. The smell of his own dirty, filthy body. He stood by the side of his SUV and hurled into the snow. When he was finished he forced his mind to go blank. He squeezed his eyes shut, took a deep breath, and counted backward from ten.
He whipped open the trunk of his SUV and pulled out his overnight bag, searching for mouthwash. He pulled out his phone, cringing when he saw a text from Julia:
Hey, Chase, no worries if you’re running late. Just be safe.
He glanced at the time and swore when he realized just how late he was. He didn’t want to cancel, but God, he didn’t know what kind of company he’d be tonight. It was supposed to have been a special night, but it was ruined now. There was no way he’d be able to shake this off that fast and be the guy Julia was supposed to fall in love with. And there was no way he could tell her any of this without revealing his own past.
He texted back:
Sorry for not texting earlier. Work situation. Be there in thirty mins.
He needed to shower, but he’d pick her up first before he changed his mind.
His stupid past is what he blamed on his lack of attention to his surroundings, to his slow reaction to the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps, to the shout from his officer, and ultimately to the bullet through his left shoulder from behind.
The force of the impact brought him to his knees, but he managed to turn in the direction of the gunfire. His officer was already there, pinning the dad to the ground. Chase managed to call in for help as he slumped to the ground. He watched, numbly, as his blood turned the snow red. He closed his eyes briefly as pain shot through his upper body, images of his daughter and Julia pummeling through his mind. He knew Maggie wouldn’t be scared. But Julia…
He leaned his head back against his car tire and shut his eyes, relieved when he heard sirens in the distance. Hell, this was going to send Julia running.
…
Julia woke to the wonderful sound of Chase arguing with someone. She opened one eye, careful not to disturb Maggie who was still sleeping, sprawled across Julia on the small couch in the hospital room. Relief and gratitude swept through her at the sight of Chase, sitting up in bed and speaking in a hushed, but frustrated tone with the nurse.
“I’m perfectly fine. There’s no reason to keep me in the hospital.” His hair was all disheveled, and his dark stubble was a contrast to the pallor of his face. But he was alive. And well. Clearly well enough to hold an argument.
“Sheriff Donovan, they don’t let anyone out of the hospital that soon after surgery.”
“It was barely surgery.”
“It was really surgery, I can assure you,” the nurse murmured, a smile on her face as she double checked his chart.
“Can you ask the doctor?”
The nurse sighed but a second later smiled. “I’ll see what I can do.” She bustled out of the room a moment later. Her heart was heavy in her chest as she watched him, his face slightly pinched with pain, but clearly lucid and healthy after having emergency surgery the night before.
She gently lifted Maggie off her and adjusted her carefully; thankfully the little girl kept sleeping. Julia approached the bed and tried not to humiliate herself by crying, but the moment Chase’s blue eyes made contact with hers she had a hard time keeping it together. Last night when the call had come through to the Baileys they had all rushed over to the hospital. She had been strong for Maggie, not wanting the little girl to be even more afraid. But she had removed herself a few times, going into the washroom by herself and splashing cold water on her face.
Her chin wobbled and her eyes blurred with tears as Chase held his good hand out to her. She folded her arms tightly around her body, afraid to go closer, but unable to refuse him. The second her hand made contact with his, he drew her in, holding her fiercely. “I was so scared, Chase,” she whispered against his warm neck.
“I know, darling, I know. But I’m fine.”
She nodded against him, not wanting to be dramatic, or look like an idiot. The truth was that she didn’t know if she was fine. She didn’t know what this meant—well, she did know; she was falling in love with Chase but she didn’t know if she was cut out for this. He lived too close to danger, too close to the edge and she’d promised herself she would never allow herself to feel that kind of loss again.
“Jules, I’m fine. The bullet didn’t hit any bone or organs or blood vessels.”
“Yup, it must have just gone through a large chunk of fat!” They both turned to find Maggie running up to the bed. They laughed out loud.
“Thanks, baby,” Chase said, motioning for Maggie to climb up on the bed. Julia helped her up and her chest hurt as she watched father and daughter cuddle. They looked so alike and Maggie had Chase’s resilience.
“When do you get to go home, Daddy?”
“Hopefully today,” he said, raising his gaze to Julia’s.
“Well, don’t rush. Do whatever the doctors tell you to do.”
“They want me to stay another night,” he said.
Julia crossed her arms. “Then listen to them.”
Six hours later, Julia was helping Chase into his bed, despite protests about him being able to do it himself. “You should have listened to the doctor,” Julia said as he winced, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Daddy never listens to anyone,” Maggie said with a theatrical sigh, sitting beside him. Julia stifled her grin. Chase was looking pale but at least he seemed well enough to get around.
“I always listen to you, Maggie,” he said, leaning over and giving her a kiss on the head.
“It’s time for you to have one of these painkillers,” Julia said, taking the bottle out of the paper bag.
“I’m fine, thanks.”
Julia crossed her arms and frowned at him. “Chase, don’t be difficult. You look pale and clearly in pain.”
He shook his head. “Nope, not in pain, see?” He lifted his wounded shoulder then let out a string of curses. “Sorry,” he groaned.
“Daddy sometimes uses foul language when he thinks no one is listening, Auntie Julia. You might need to cover your ears.”
Julia laughed as Chase shook his head. She pulled out two tablets and handed him a bottled water. “Take these or you’ll hear my own foul language.”
He managed a devilish grin. “Promises, promises.”
“Daddy, Julia is just joking, she has great manners.”
“You’re right. Why don’t you get ready for bed, Maggie? I think it should be an early night for both of us.”
Maggie nodded agreeably. “Okay. I’ll come in to check on you before I go to bed.”
He ruffled her hair. “Please do.”
“I need a shower,” Chase said once Maggie had left the room. His features were taut as he slowly stood.
“Let me help you,” she said, rushing to his side. “Oh and you’re not supposed to get your wound wet—”
“Jules. I’m fine. I promise.” She felt the sting of his rejection and backed up a step, letting him have his space. He walked away from her and shut the door. Seconds later she heard water running. She sat on the edge of the bed with a shaky sigh. She had no idea what she was doing except none of this felt safe anymore.
She jumped when he walked out of the bathroom ten minutes later. He didn’t have a shirt on, and water clung to his wide shoulders. Her gaze went to the taped up shoulder, white gauze a contrast to his darker skin. He was wearing a
pair of boxers and didn’t seem to mind that she was half drooling and half crying, just watching him cross the room and get into bed.
She walked to stand in front of him. “Chase, are you okay?”
He ran his hand over his jaw, and muscles rippled everywhere with the motion. For a second she thought he was going to dismiss her question, but he didn’t. Instead, he reached for her, pulling her close, and buried his head in her neck. She wrapped her arms around him, feeling the tremor that ripped through his hard body. She kissed his shoulder and then pulled back to look up at him. She framed his face with her hands and looked into his eyes, catching a vulnerability in them she’d never seen before.
“This was not the way today was supposed to go,” he said harshly.
“I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re home safe. Why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you.”
He grasped her wrists gently, pulling them away from him. “It’s nothing.”
She put her hands on her hips. “Okay, well, I’m not stupid. I’ve known you for how many years? You’ve never been like this. You think I can’t handle it? Only the big, strong Chase is capable of saving people?”
He almost laughed. “How did I forget that you’re a ballbreaker?”
His gaze dipped to her shirt, which was currently tightly stretched across her breasts because her hands were still on her hips. “Why don’t we find other ways of stress relief? Talking is boring,” he said, with a half-grin, looking slightly more like the man she knew.
She laughed and held up her hand. “Nope, not until you spill. Besides, you are injured and only have one arm.”
He shrugged. “I’m more than willing to show you what I can do with only one hand.”
She rolled her eyes. “Tell me what happened.”
He turned his head from her, his profile turning serious. “I’d rather move on from this.”
So did she, but she needed to know more. “Chase…”
“Okay. Fine. Found a kid on the side of the road.”
He paused when she gasped. She waved her hand. “It’s fine, it’s fine. I promise. Continue.”
He sighed. “She had wandered out of the house. Her deadbeat alcoholic parents were inside. I waited until social services arrived and I knew she would be safe. That’s it.”
“Oh that’s awful. Poor little girl. How old was she?”
He shrugged. “Maybe three. Four. She couldn’t speak. She was the sweetest little thing.” He whispered that last bit and her heart swelled at the emotion in his voice.
“How were her parents?”
He shook his head. “Drunks. The house was squalor. Rodent crap.”
He paused when she gasped again.
“Sorry.” She winced.
“She was so skinny. So damn sad and helpless.” The man that had always seemed so much larger than life to her was now standing here, vulnerable, and it broke her heart. She wrapped her arms around him and felt him rest his head on top of hers. “Her father chased me and my mind was distracted, I didn’t even see him coming when he shot me.”
She held on to him tighter and shuddered at how much worse it could have all been.
“It’s how I grew up, Julia.” She didn’t move for a second, wondering if she might have misinterpreted the meaning of what he’d just said. She pulled back and looked up at him. She reached out for his hand and he looked down at it for a moment before finally pulling it free.
“What do you mean?”
His jaw clenched repeatedly. “I was raised by two inept alcoholics, exactly like that little girl. I had to take care of them and myself from the second I was old enough. They were worthless, pathetic people who would have let me die. I left home at fifteen, got a job, went back to high school eventually. The rest is history.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, trying not to cry. She knew he wasn’t looking for sympathy. She knew he was watching her for some kind of disgusted reaction or judgment. “Have you seen your parents since?”
He looked toward the window. “No. Pretty bad, right?”
She shook her head and was about to open her mouth, but he started talking again.
“I can’t deal with that part of my life, I can’t acknowledge what I was. I thought I had come so far, but seeing that little girl, that house, those drunks.” He stopped speaking abruptly and ran his hands through his hair roughly. “You want to be an ass, you want to live a certain way, then fine. You lose that right when you have a kid, because now you’ve screwed up that kid’s life, you know?”
She nodded, swiping away the tears that she couldn’t help.
“I’d die for Maggie, to keep her safe, to keep her happy. And then I see people like that who are so selfish they can’t honor that little girl’s life. I think of you, and what you would do to have your little boy alive again. God, sometimes life is so damn unfair.” His eyes glistened with tears and his strong chin trembled for a moment. She wrapped her arms around his naked torso and held him close. Seconds later, his arms circled her and she felt his lips on her head. He kissed her hair, then moved to her ear, her cheekbone. She lifted her face to his and looked at him.
There wasn’t vulnerability anymore. It had been replaced by a hunger, a desire, for her. And there was something else as he dipped his head and proceeded to make a feast of her mouth. It was the unmistakable look of love. It was new, or maybe it had always been there, but now she wanted it more than ever, even though she was more terrified than ever.
“I need to know that you’re going to stay, Jules,” he whispered, pulling back and looking at her.
Tears flooded her eyes. “You scared the hell out of me, Chase.”
He nodded, his face serious. “I know I did. But I’m fine.”
“I keep asking myself if I can do this…if I can live knowing that you are in danger every day you go to work. I don’t know how I’d sleep at night if you were working.”
“There are no guarantees for any of us, you know that, honey,” he said softly, gently.
She nodded. “I know, I know.”
“Maggie cried for her mommy and I didn’t know what to tell her. When I stayed up with her every single night trying to pry her away from the front window because she’d stand there looking for Sandy and then I’d have to go to work the next morning on no sleep and rely on the Baileys to watch her for me. And then when I had to sleep in her bed for a year, because she was so damn afraid that she’d wake up and I’d be gone too. I promised her I’d always come back.”
“I love that about you—I love that you have this unwavering faith that you’ll always come home to your little girl.”
“And you. I’ll always come back to you.”
She looked down at her hands, her chest so heavy she found it hard to breathe. This was what she was afraid of. They were too close. All of it was too fast.
“I don’t know if I can do this again,” she managed to choke out, still not looking at him.
“Do what?”
“Love. Kids. Family. I don’t have it in me.”
“You do. You just need to try,” he said, frustration lining his voice.
She turned to him, guilt seeping through her as he stared at her with a mix of pain and betrayal. “I don’t know that I can try.”
“You’re not going to throw all this away because you’re afraid. What you and I have is special. This comes along once in a lifetime, Jules.” He fisted a handful of her hair in his hand, gentle but with enough strength to hold her still for a moment, looking into his eyes. “It’s always been you. For me, it’s always been you. I remember everything, the first time we met, the first time you laughed at something I said or did, the first time we walked home from school together. I remember the conversation we had about Christmas lights—”
“Lights?” she whispered, barely able to keep it together, humbled by what he was telling her.
“You wanted a winter wonderland and I want to give it to you. Don’t you dare walk out on us. On me.
God, you have no idea how much I love you,” he said harshly.
She squeezed her eyes shut and stood, hating herself, but needing space from the intensity of everything he was telling her. “Chase, I can’t do this,” she finally whispered. “I can’t stay in Shadow Creek after the holidays.”
His strong jaw was taut. “Fine. You go, figure out what you need to figure out. I’ll be here. I don’t want to be with you if you don’t know you want to be with me and Maggie. I can’t have another woman walk out on her.”
She didn’t say anything, just memorized the way he looked. How handsome he was, wounded, proud, vulnerable. She hated her cowardice.
She hated that she knew she wasn’t coming back.
Chapter Fourteen
Julia concentrated on selecting the perfect toy for Maggie, instead of the fact that she had walked out on Chase a few days ago. The charming toy store was exactly as she remembered it and was quite busy which was perfect because it was sometimes easier to get lost in the crowd and she could dwell on her own thoughts.
She knew he wanted her to stay here, start over again in Shadow Creek. A part of her desperately wanted to. She wanted to believe that she could be a family with him and Maggie, that it was the three of them moving into that new house. She wanted to believe that she could heal, start again, and love him with everything she had.
But that would mean she was fearless, and she wasn’t. She hadn’t been in years. Fear consumed her. She was afraid to love anyone as much as she’d loved Michael and Matthew. When you loved like that, with everything you had, it was too hard to recover if they were taken away. It had ripped her apart. She only wanted to protect herself, to keep love away, to just keep on going. Chase and Maggie had changed that.
The night of the storm she had been terrified he wouldn’t come back. She knew, standing in his front window, praying for a glimpse of his headlights, just how much he meant to her. Then when she’d found out he’d been shot…Chase had touched her on so many levels. She had thought she’d be able to leave town after the holidays and be okay. Now she had no idea how she was going to walk away from them. He brought out this other side to her. He brought out a passion she didn’t know existed in her, and Maggie brought out the very best of her, just like her little boy had. She was fulfilled with Maggie and Chase.
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