by S. L. Naeole
I threw myself back against my pillow and groaned. My head didn’t even touch it as he snatched me mid-fall and pulled me against his chest. “Why are you bringing that up again, Robert?”
I felt him kiss my hair, felt the puff of air as he sighed. I dream of waking up and finding you’re not there. I fear the day when I hear the call…and it’s because it’s you.
I felt that irritating sting of moisture prick my eyes; I had felt that fear manifest into something scary and monstrous in myself when he had been the one to die. To think of him experiencing that same pain himself was almost worse. I turned my head and placed my ear on his chest, the evidence of his death silent and still beneath the skin and bones that cradled it. I heard only the echo of breath in his chest, and I squeezed my eyes shut against the memories that leapt out of the dark recesses of my mind, taunting me with their hint at what lay ahead for me.
“I don’t want to think about it,” I cried into his shirt, my voice muffled against his chest. “I don’t want to think about anything. I just want you to hold me, and tell me that you love me.”
The circle of arms around me pulled me as tightly against his chest as humanly possible and he whispered the three words, while thinking them at the same time, my own personal echo. I reached my arms up to wrap around his neck and pull myself up, needing to feel something other than the rise and fall of his chest, or the strength wielded in his embrace. I needed to feel the unnatural heat from his lips, his breath tickling my skin, his nose nudging against mine.
I can’t, Grace.
“Yes, you can. You just don’t want to,” I whispered as I inched closer to my goal. I needed to ease my way there, and I began by kissing his neck. The column of muscle that flexed there in distress seemed to beg for attention, and so I gave it. I kissed it softly, gently. My lips worked their way towards the curve of his jaw, and kissed along the ridge until I came to the dip between his lower lip and his chin.
I inhaled as he breathed out, and sighed at the sweet fragrance and blissful warmth that wafted over my face. I leaned in closer to breathe in the intoxicating aroma, allowing the tip of my nose to brush his, wanting that slight contact to draw out a reaction.
When nothing happened, I decided to tempt fate. I leaned in and lightly pressed my lips against his, feather light and soft. I took his lack of rejection as a positive sign, and applied my lips to his with more pressure, rubbing them against the heavenly friction that his offered. I knew I was dangerously close to overstepping the limitations Robert had set, but at that moment, I didn’t care. I only cared about the heat that traveled from the point of contact between our lips to the sheets that hid my trembling knees.
How incredibly simple it all was. You read about passionate encounters involving enormous amounts of movement and contact, see the visions displayed in movies and on television, and yet, the simple act of pressing my lips against Robert’s was enough to scorch my skin, and light my entire body on fire. My breathing quickened and my heart galloped at an unhealthy pace as I realized that though I had meant to lure Robert into my dangerous game, I had been the one who had been caught.
I pulled away, sinking back down his chest, the dizziness nearly drawing forth a faint from me, and smiled at my own foolishness. I attempted to take a breath to calm myself, but the force of Robert’s strong hands at my face pulling me back up towards his lips sent every nerve ending in my body shooting out towards him, hungry for whatever he was about to give to me.
As his lips pressed against mine with force and clear intent, I whimpered. This was like no kiss we had shared before. It was as though he were a starving man, and the only sustenance he could find came from me in the form of kisses I was only too willing to give to him. My fingers thrummed with feeling as they tangled in the silk of his hair, while he covered my top and bottom lips with tiny kisses that each felt like a thousand little bursts of flame on my skin. He planted soft kisses in the corners of my mouth, and sighed at the excess of it all.
I could feel the blood start to leave me when once again, his lips pressed against mine with a firmness and a conviction like I had never experienced in him before. I pulled him towards me even as I leaned down, the urge to never break contact with his mouth blocking out anything that might argue to the contrary.
But I couldn’t block out the strength of the divine. With a ragged cry, as though it physically hurt him to do so, Robert tore his mouth away from mine, his hands curled into strong knotted fists at his sides, his breathing erratic, his chest rising and falling like a stormy sea that mimicked my own.
“Why?” I breathed, gasping for air that didn’t seem like enough, that couldn’t fill that need I knew only he could. “Why did you stop?”
He turned away from me, his mouth pulled tight with a pained expression. You know why.
I grunted. “I only know what you want to tell me. There’s more to this than you’re letting on, Robert.”
His gaze returned to mine and I could see the physical pain in his eyes now. I felt the sudden ache in me as I recalled the last time I had seen such agony in his face, and felt more confused than ever before. “You’re not…going to die if you kiss me…are you?”
I breathed a sigh of relief when he snorted, a good sign during awkward moments like this. “Well then tell me what is wrong with the two of us doing something as simple as making out?” I grimaced at the sound of my voice saying those last two words. How cheesy it sounded. Making out was something you did with a part-time prom date.
Robert was my soul mate. He was the other part of me. There was just no getting around it, and I had cheapened it with that make out comment. I placed my head in my hands and groaned. “Ugh, I’m such an idiot.”
Don’t be embarrassed, Grace. It was insightful. It tells me that you’re thinking about us in ways that go beyond just dating.
My head snapped back up. “What are we, Robert? What are we besides just dating? Soul mates don’t just sit and search each other’s minds all day, you know.”
Don’t you think I’m aware of this, Grace? I look at you and I see all the things I want for us. But there are limitations to what we have, what we are. You’re human. You cannot begin to understand the complexities that are involved when humans and angels are together.
I felt my eyes lower into slits as I looked at him. “While you know it all.” It sounded spiteful. It sounded jealous. It was how I felt.
I know enough, Grace, but don’t make assumptions based on what little of my past has been revealed to you. You’re the only person I have ever felt a physical and mental connection with. You’re the only person I have ever felt.
I wanted to believe him. I wanted to trust that what he was saying was the truth, but knowing that he could bend the truth just a little bit-
I will never lie to you again, Grace. I won’t do that to us, not again.
My eyes rose to meet his, and I felt the scars where my heart had mended itself after the only lie Robert had ever told me had destroyed it start to burn. He had lied to me when he couldn’t, and was now promising never to lie again now that he could. I shook my head at the absurdity of it all.
“Okay, you won’t lie to me again. So tell me now, what are the complexities involved between human and angels who love each other? Why is it that we’re here together, and you want to treat me like my name is Hannah and you’re Grandpa Bob?
He started to laugh, which grated at what little self-control I was holding onto. I wouldn’t kiss Hannah, Grace. Period. I would never look at Hannah the way I look at you, either. You make me question every experience I have ever felt through anyone else, because with you, it feels like I captured a star in the palm of my hand that’s ready to explode, and the intensity of it has filled up every single part of me so much so, I feel as though I might burst before it does.
When I touch you, I feel it to the very bones beneath my skin. He brushed my temple with an extended finger, the faint contact enough to feel the charge that flowed between us, confir
ming what he had just described.
I reached for his hand, and brought his palm to my mouth to kiss the longest line that ran down to the crease in his wrist. “I don’t know how we’re going to get through this if we both feel the same way about each other but one of us isn’t willing to be close,” I mumbled against his palm.
His arms encircled me once again, and I settled into them, feeling too tired to argue anymore. We were together, and we both knew that we affected the other profoundly. He hadn’t answered my question, but if I had doubted how he felt when it came to me, it was long gone. I would get my answer. I could wait for it, if I needed to.
I closed my eyes and started to drift off to sleep, content to know that even unconscious, Robert was still with me, occupying my dreams. I fell asleep within minutes, but the sleep of the content never prepares you to be rudely awakened by a hand that was far less gentle when it was urgent than when it wasn’t.
“Mmm…what?” I mumbled, rubbing my eyes and my mouth, the slight moisture that had collected in the corner cause for some embarrassment.
Graham came in here. He wanted to talk to you about my sister, but when he saw us, he left. I don’t think he will say anything to your father, but his head is full of questions that he shouldn’t be thinking about you. Robert’s body was tense, his hold on me firm and protective. I tried to digest what he had just told me, but it didn’t seem right. Why would Graham come to my room in the middle of the night?
I told you, he wanted to talk about Lark.
I couldn’t stop the small smile that formed on my face. I tucked my lips between my teeth to fight them from pulling into a full blown grin, and focused on what it was that Graham might have thought after seeing Robert asleep with me in my room.
You know what he was thinking.
I stared at him, my lids still heavy with sleep, and shook my head. I didn’t know. I might know Graham better than anyone else, but if there was one thing these past few months have proven it’s that I didn’t know him as well as I had thought.
He thinks that you and I…
“What? He thinks that you and I what?” I managed to croak out.
He thinks that we’re having sex.
I looked at Robert and felt the laughter start to ripple through me. It was soft, nearly silent, but it was there, and it was irking Robert, which suited me just fine. I wasn’t interested in making him feel better about what had just happened, and what Graham had assumed was going on between the two of us.
What did it matter?
It matters to me. It’s insulting to think that we’d behave in such a manner. You, and everything about you is paramount to me, Grace, and that includes your reputation.
I rolled my eyes at that. “What do you think he’s going to do? Run around school and tell everyone that I’m sleeping with you? It’s already difficult for most people to believe that you’re even interested in me, let alone sleeping with me.
And that’s all this is between us, anyway. Just sleeping, because it takes a feat of superhuman strength just to get you to kiss me.” I rolled over and turned my back to him, the conversation and the fact that he felt so insulted by the thought of people thinking that he wanted to be with me turning the blood in my veins to ice.
Grace, please stop jumping to conclusions. This is difficult for me to talk about. I’ve never had to before.
I snorted at that. “You’ve been around for over a thousand years, and you’ve never had to talk about your sex life? Give me a little credit, please, Robert.”
I felt a swift movement behind me and fell onto my back, suddenly finding myself pinned beneath a very angry angel.
I give you all the credit in the world, Grace, but sometimes you have no idea how foolish you can be. I’ve never had to discuss this before because there’s never been anything to discuss. I cannot believe that I have to discuss this with you now, like this, but so be it.
I have had many, many women and girls in my life. But I have never, ever been with them in the way that I hope to someday be with you. I have never felt this way about anyone, in fifteen hundred years of existing among your kind. I have never wanted anyone as much as I want you. But I have waited this long, and I can wait just as long for it to be right between us, to be safe between us.
There are some things in life you expect to hear, know that you’ll hear, and know exactly how you’ll feel when you do. Then there are moments like this, where what you hear is exactly the opposite of what you expected, and exactly the opposite of what you’re prepared for.
“I…don’t understand. Ameila said-”
My mother told you something that was only half true. I have been with many women and girls. But not in the way that you think. I’ve shared…thoughts with them, dreams of desires. But it has never been…physical, and never anything near as desperate as what I want with you.
The soft glow of light that surrounded Robert had changed from a muted black to a nearly brilliant blue as he saw the thought process in my mind run through the logical conclusions that were left to be made.
“So you’re…”
A virgin? Yes. Just as you are.
I knew my mouth was hanging open in surprise; I knew that my eyes were wide with the full impact of this new fact about him. But the way my heart was pounding in my chest made it quite clear that there couldn’t have been anything he could have told me at that moment that would have made me happier.
“Is that why you’re treating me like some kind of nun?”
It is part of the reason. There’s more, but I think I’ve done enough sharing for one night, Grace. I want you to think about what I have told you. I want you to truly think about it, and try to see why it is I am taking this as slowly as possible. With a swiftness that whipped my hair around my face and drew forth a quick gasp from my throat, we had reversed positions, and I was now atop him.
Sleep, Grace. I want you to think about all of this while you sleep.
“I’m not a child, Robert. I don’t need to be told when to go to bed,” I complained, refusing to lay my head down.
He placed a strong hand at the back of my head and gently, albeit forcefully, pressed my head down onto his chest. Please. I’m sorry about what I said. We can discuss all of this later. Go to sleep, Grace. I’ll be here in the morning when you wake up.
The lull of sleep felt strangely appealing, and I closed my eyes in defeat. “Cheater,” I mumbled, knowing that it had nothing to do with genuine exhaustion, but something else completely.
I love you.
“…love you, back.”
SEX, TALK, AND VIDEO TAPE
I woke up on New Year’s Eve feeling strangely relaxed and content. Robert’s still form beneath me had a lot to do with it, but something else felt different. I looked at the morning light streaming through the window, at the dust motes that seemed to sparkle as they emerged from the shadows to dance in the sunshine, and I felt a glowing warmth spread through me, while my mouth curled up, the corners of my mouth tipping towards the peaks of my cheeks.
What’s the smile for?
I looked up into Robert’s silver eyes and allowed the smile full access to a grin. “I don’t know, but I feel…good—like something good is about to happen.”
I stretched to rid myself of the tenseness in my body—sleeping against something that felt like a metal beam could get uncomfortable after a while. I tilted my head down to check the time on the clock that was sitting on my dresser, and I groaned at the hour. “It’s already eight,” I complained, and rolled over towards the bedroom door. “Everyone’s eating breakfast already—Graham’s probably eating mine, too.”
I suddenly remembered that Graham had come into the room last night. “Oh no. Graham! What must he be thinking?”
Robert’s face lit up as now, after the sun had risen and the fog of sleep had cleared from my mind, I was fully aware of what had happened.
Vindicated. Robert was feeling vindicated.
“Stop gloating,” I grow
led as I climbed out of the bed and walked to the dresser. I began pulling out the prerequisite jeans and t-shirt and stopped as something on my hand caught my attention. On the fourth finger of my right hand sat the ring that Robert had given to me for my birthday. It was meant to remind me of him while he was away, he had told me. Dark blue with a brilliant white star that was only visible when you looked at it directly, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
But today, the star was missing. “Robert…is the star supposed to disappear?”
Although I had left him lying on the bed, he was there before the question had even left my lips, my hand in his, his keen eyes scrutinizing the silver wrapped stone on my finger. It’s not supposed to…I don’t understand.
Rarely is an angel ever confused. You figure that out quite quickly after knowing one. They can read the minds of those around them, and some even have the ability to see into the future. So to see confusion on Robert’s face wasn’t comforting in the least.
“What?” I asked, making a mental note to pick up my thesaurus and figure out a different word to use the next time I needed to ask a question using only one word.
I don’t fully understand the chemical makeup of gems, Grace, so I’m truly at a loss when it comes to explaining why the star is no longer visible. The inclusions don’t just disappear, or fall out.
“The inclusions?”
Yes. It’s what makes up the star. Every stone has inclusions in it, but they’re usually cut away so that you don’t see them in the final product. Star sapphires are unique in that the inclusions are what makes them so beautiful, while in other stones, it makes them flawed. They’re what the stars are comprised of. To not see any…
I walked over to the sunlight that now fully poured through my window and held my hand out in the warm light. The stone, while beautiful, now appeared naked—uncomfortably bare without the six-armed splendor that had represented Robert’s divine nature far better than anything else ever could. What would I do now that it was gone?
