by S. L. Naeole
“Grace…this is kind of personal, so if you don’t want to answer I’ll understand. You and Lark are my best friends, but Lark’s not into guys. At least, not to my knowledge, so I couldn’t ask her this question, but you and Robert are joined at the hip so I know that you’d be able to.”
I watched Stacy’s hands as she rambled through her introduction, her fingers were flying through the air as she fidgeted with her nervousness and unease. I knew exactly how she felt.
“What I wanted to know was if you and Robert have…you know, done it yet.”
I nearly choked on my own tongue as the shock of the question took control. It prevented me from recovering in time to reassure her that I wasn’t offended as she started to apologize profusely, her hands flitting around like nervous birds.
When I had regained my composure, I grabbed her hands and pulled them down, pinning them to the bed. “Stacy, it’s okay. I wasn’t expecting this, but I’m not offended. Just shocked.”
Stacy nearly started apologizing once again, her stammering voice contradicting the strong and self-assured person I had always known her to be.
“Calm down, Stacy,” I said reassuringly. “Calm down and I’ll answer your question.”
She stopped talking, her hands quit fighting against mine, and she waited with an almost instantaneous patience for me to answer her. “I guess the only way to go about this is to be honest. The answer is no, Robert and I haven’t…done it.”
Her face showed shock, her eyes wide with surprise. “You haven’t? But you two look so…close, like something intimate has happened between you. I thought…”
I nodded, understanding what it was that she had assumed. “We haven’t done anything other than kiss.”
“What kind of kiss?”
It was my turn to blush as I realized that I was about to admit to Stacy just how chaste my relationship with Robert truly was. “The kind you’d give your brother…if he were unbearably handsome and you were in madly love with him.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
Stacy looked out the window, her gaze focused on the empty space on the street down below. “I was going to say—I didn’t know what I was going to say. This is all so weird for me. I mean, I’ve never had a girlfriend, someone I could talk to about this kind of stuff before, and now that I have two…one can’t talk to me about sex and the other hasn’t done anything more than kissing.”
I couldn’t prevent the sad smile from forming on my lips as I acknowledged just how woefully ignorant I was when it came to topics like these. “I’m sorry that I don’t have the, uh…experience that you’re looking for. I guess that’s one less thing we have in common, eh?”
Stacy chuckled. “I don’t have any experience in that department either, Grace. I just wanted to know what exactly it was that told you, if you had done it, that it was the right time.”
“Oh. Well. That’s something different,” I mumbled, embarrassed at my incorrect assumption.
“Tell me about it. How pathetic are we, huh? Two inexperienced know-nothings thinking the other had some knowledge about sex.”
I felt my head nod at her overwhelmingly accurate statement. “What made you ask anyway, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Stacy sighed and leaned back on her elbows as she wore an invisible pattern into the carpet with her toe. “I kept thinking about what would have happened tonight if I had gone to the dance with Graham. Would I have been able to think nothing of it and just go along with the crowd? Just do it because everyone else is? I mean, don’t get me wrong; I’ve never thought of it as something special, you know? It’s not like my parents ever stressed remaining pure or anything like that, so I have to wonder if the reason I simply don’t like the idea of it is because if I did do it, it’d be with Graham. Does that make sense?”
The idea of Graham having sex with anyone wasn’t exactly my idea of appealing conversation, but I couldn’t just ignore Stacy’s need to talk or the fact that although she could have gotten far more sage advice from Lark, she had chosen me to open up to.
“I think that the longer you are with Graham, the more you’re going to start questioning everything about your relationship until you come to a decision about what you really want.” There. I planted the seed I didn’t know I had.
Stacy’s head tipped up and she stared at the ceiling as my words began to sink in. “I guess you’re right. I don’t know what it is I want, but I do know what I don’t want. I don’t want to end up a stupid statistic for some Government Health Agency because I caved in to peer pressure. I don’t want to say that my first time was with someone I didn’t love. And most importantly, I don’t want to do it just because it feels good at the time, like I’m under some stupid spell or something. I’ve got enough brains to say no.”
She was right. I marveled at how right she was. “It looks like you don’t need to worry about what it is you want, Stacy. Your don’ts are just as good.”
Stacy brought her head down to look at me, confusion and disbelief layered onto her face. “You sound as though I made a decision for you, too.”
“You sort of did,” I replied as this time, it was her words that sunk in. “I’ve been so stupid.”
Intrigued by my admission, she sat up. “What do you mean?”
I sighed, the relief of finally being able to talk to someone about it almost dripping from the sound. “The reason Robert and I haven’t…you know, is because he’s not ready while I’ve been more than ready. Or so I thought. The feeling I get when I’m with him is incredible. It’s euphoric, and all-together consuming and I can’t help but want to feel more of it and I realize now that it’s because of what Robert is. He insists that I’m not susceptible to his ‘charms’, but now I know that I am. At least, when we’re that close I am. “
Stacy’s mouth was poised to speak, her face surprised at what I had revealed about the intimacy of my relationship with Robert. Obviously Lark had been keeping a great deal from her.
“Angels don’t get by on just their looks, Stacy. They radiate a type of divine charm that makes people automatically like them. You cannot help but be drawn to them, attracted to them. Most of it is artificial but it affects us all the same, and we become so enchanted just by their aura, we’ll do whatever they want, even without the mental interloping they’re capable of.
“Robert and Lark both thought it wasn’t possible for me to fall under their—how did you put it—spell, since I defied both of them with every chance I got, but it looks like they were wrong. I’m just like everyone else.”
I looked at my reflection in the mirror facing the foot of the bed and sighed at the sullen expression that now tattooed my features. “I should be happy that I’m starting to resemble someone normal.”
Stacy rested her hand on my knee, the soft touch comforting. “So why do you look so down?”
I shrugged my shoulders and sighed, a half-hearted smile forcing itself onto my face. “I guess because now I’m going to start second guessing every single emotion I feel when I’m around Robert, try and decipher what’s genuine and what’s a product of his innate charm.”
“You love him, Grace. I’ve seen the way the two of you look at each other. It’s not the kind of look that makes you sick from the syrupy sweetness. It’s the kind of look that makes you envious of what the two of you have, the connection that goes deeper than anything most people have ever felt with anyone else, much less with the people they’re with now, myself included.”
I looked into Stacy’s eyes and saw the genuine gleam of envy in them. It was almost laughable that someone like her would be envious of me.
“I know I love him. I think I was probably born knowing it and it just laid dormant until he came into my life, as stupid as that sounds. I just don’t know if what my body feels is what it would were Robert human and not…well, him. I mean, I know he’s not making me feel that way. Not on purpose anyway.
“And I feel incredibly stupid now because I�
�ve been pressuring him into being more physical with me even though I know he’s not ready. I feel like the abusive girlfriend and I, too, have enough brains to know how to say no, and yet I won’t take it for an answer.”
Stacy giggled as the words that came out of my mouth painted me more and more like the abusive girlfriend I had described. “I wouldn’t worry too much about abusing Robert, Grace. Something tells me he can handle himself.”
I nodded in agreement, giggling despite myself. I glanced at the clock on the dresser and sighed once more. “It’s getting late, Stacy. Graham will probably be home soon, and Robert might stop by, too.”
She cocked her head to the side, the part about Robert obviously not what she was expecting to hear. “Your dad lets him come over this late?”
I shook my head and raised my finger to my lips. “No one knows. Well, Graham knows. He came in while we were asleep and saw us together.”
Stacy’s mouth made a slight popping sound as it hinged open in shock. “He sleeps here with you?”
“Robert?”
Stacy rolled her eyes at that. “No, Ghandi—of course Robert! Lark didn’t tell me that he was spending the night here with you! And you two haven’t…wow. That’s one patient angel, Grace.”
I laughed as I stood and helped her up. “I’m the one with the patience, remember?”
She nodded, laughing right along with me. We walked downstairs and headed to her car. “I’ll see you tomorrow at school then,” she said before she climbed into her little car. “Thank you, Grace, for everything.” She reached up and wrapped her arms around me, a quick hug that carried with it a great deal of friendship and affection that I knew I was not entirely deserving of.
I returned her hug and then waved as she drove off, waiting in the icy air until the red glow of her taillights were gone from my view. I walked into the house and quietly closed the door. I turned around to walk towards the stairs and nearly screamed when I saw Robert standing in front of me, a smirk lifting up one side of his face into a beautiful, yet crooked line.
“You scared me!” I whispered fiercely. “Why are you down here? What if my dad or Janice comes down and sees you here?”
His smirk turned into a grin and he swooped down, my feet leaving the ground in the living room and then being placed back down in my bedroom with incredible speed I would have sworn up and down that I hadn’t even been in the living room to begin with.
“There, now there’s no need to worry about that, is there?” he said smugly as he placed his hand at the base of my collar, his hand skimming the slight hollow that appeared between my shoulder and neck.
I pushed his hand away and turned towards my dresser, intent on searching out for something to wear to bed, but more interested in a distraction from the warm tingling that insisted on turning into a small crackle of sparks. “That’s not the point,” I managed to say, though my voice sounded winded as I struggled to keep pace with my rapid breathing.
He chuckled, silently moving up behind me and placing his hands on either side of my hips. “Why so nervous? Is it because you’re afraid that my charms might make you do something you don’t want to do?”
With remarkable speed, even for me, I whipped around and started to hit him with a pair of boxers. “You were listening!” I accused. “That was a private conversation between Stacy and me! I cannot believe you did that!”
He held his hands up defensively even though he knew that he’d cause more damage to the clothing than it would him, and I stopped hitting him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, but I’m not going to say that I’m not glad I did. It was very insightful. Your mind has been shutting its door to me quite often these past few weeks and I’m beginning to feel like I’m not welcome in there anymore.”
“Well, if you keep pulling stunts like this, you won’t be,” I muttered and turned around to finish grabbing some clothes to sleep in. “I’m going to change,” I announced before I left the room. I stomped—softly, of course; I didn’t want to alert Dad and Janice to any trouble—to the bathroom and nearly slammed the door before realizing that doing so would shake the entire house.
I quickly changed clothes and brushed my teeth, hoping that counting to a hundred would be enough to calm my nerves. I hadn’t planned on talking to Robert about this until much later. I had wanted to plan out what I was going to say, needed to actually think about what all of this meant to the both of us, but that was obviously not going to happen tonight.
“You chose this life,” I said to my reflection before flipping the light off and heading back to my room. It was empty.
I spun around, half expecting him to appear from some corner in yet another attempt to change the subject or distract me from my intended goal, but when I didn’t see even a hint of smoke or silver, I relaxed. I sat on the edge of my bed and saw the fluttery movement of a piece of paper that had been left there.
“Something came up. I’ll be back before you wake.”
“Oh sure. How convenient that something came up,” I muttered before crumpling up the note and throwing it on the floor. I crawled beneath the covers of the bed and turned my back to the window. After what only amounted to a few minutes, I crawled out of the bed and fumbled in the dark for the note. I did my best to iron it smooth with my fingers and then placed it gently beneath my pillow. I laid back down, this time with my face pointed towards the window.
SHOES
The week following Valentine’s day was as up and down as it could possibly get. Graham and Stacy alternated between fighting, arguing, and waging an all out war. Lark appeared unmoved by it all—a front she put up to keep her true feelings from being exposed again—and chose to remain neutral when asked for her opinion about certain arguments by Stacy.
I felt like I was being pulled in three different directions by Lark and Stacy. who each felt it imperative that they give me their take on the situation. And by Graham, who hadn’t spoken to me since our conversation in the movie theater, but to whom I felt a loyalty that I simply couldn’t ignore because of the silent treatment.
The only one who kept me from pulling all of my hair out was Robert, who didn’t understand how such trivial issues for him could be so stressful for me, but remained supportive as I vented and railed, ranted and cried about what this quadrangle was costing everyone.
Things came to a head during lunch, when Stacy and Graham began arguing about the virtues of French versus Steak cut fries. It was as ridiculous an argument as you could start, but anything could turn into one with them and they made it a point to prove it. I had always felt grateful to have a table with friends to sit down with during what could have been a very isolating time for me, but right now, all I wanted was to become invisible.
Every eye was trained on the two people sitting directly across from me as their voices reached a crescendo of substantial proportions. Their voices bounced around us, echoing off the walls and filling every table with enough gossip fodder to last until the end of the quarter. This was better than television for most of them, and I hated that I was sitting front row, center.
“Will you two just break up, already?” Lark finally hissed at the two of them. Her face was a deconstructed study on anger. She was so beautiful that it was nearly impossible to detect the rage that lurked just beneath the surface, but I knew. “You guys do nothing but fight and yell and scream and shout. You’re making complete asses of yourselves.
“Either make good on your equal hatred of each other and break up, or get it over with and sleep together because I refuse to listen to another ridiculous and inane argument about potatoes, or clouds, or grass or…whatever it is that you two find so important you have to disagree about it.”
She stood up and stormed out of the cafeteria, the doors blowing open before she reached them. I watched the faces of those who had witnessed this and sighed with relief when they seemed too preoccupied with what would happen between Stacy and Graham now.
Stacy’s face was a beet red as she noticed
the eyes focused on her. She looked at Graham and his expression was one of shame. I immediately felt a need to jump to their defense but Robert’s hand stayed me. Stacy quickly mumbled an apology and ran off after Lark, too confused and upset to deal with Graham at present. Graham, in turn, fell back to his old stand-by. He reached for Stacy’s lunch and began to finish it off.
I turned to look at Robert, needing his reassurance that things were going to be okay, that my semi-normal group of friends wasn’t going to begin tumbling down around me. He smiled and shook his head. I felt a bit of relief at that, but couldn’t quite build up enough of it to make any headway when it came to easing my fear.
The clangor of the end of lunch broke through my melancholy, and I glumly stood up and prepared to head to biology. Robert carried my bag and kept his free arm wrapped securely around my midsection, the brace for my wobbly and unsteady frame to lean against as we walked towards my dreaded class.
The door was wide open and the smell of formaldehyde instantly clung to my skin and clothes as we approached. “Thank you,” I whispered to Robert as I looked inside, dreading the next hour.
“Anytime,” he said smiling and pecked my cheek in that same, chaste manner that I had described to Stacy. I couldn’t help but feel more depressed as I lumbered into the classroom and sat down on my stool, my bag tossed haphazardly onto the exam table.
The chatter around me did nothing to help lighten my mood as I caught snippets of names that I recognized, little bits of conversation that were focused on what had occurred during lunch just a few minutes ago. It was on everyone’s mind, and their eyes kept flicking back to me, the friend who had done nothing to stop it, done nothing to prevent it either.
I shook my head as the guilt that I knew I shouldn’t feel began to grow inside of me, each layer being placed by each lingering stare from all around me. The whispered words and snickers were starting to sound like a trance beat inside of my head, and I placed it down against the cool surface of the table, hoping that I might get some relief from it. At the very least, I’d be able to shut out half of the noise.
