“I don’t remember anyone taking pictures of me in foster care unless it was for my file. And as an adult…” Blake swallowed thickly. “I don’t need a photographic reminder of the people who come in and out of my life. Because I learned pretty early on that people don’t hang around, so why the hell would I hang them on my walls?”
“That’s not true though. Not everyone leaves.”
“Do you want to know how many foster families I was placed with?” She knew he wouldn’t answer, so she barely hesitated before continuing. “Fourteen. And do you know how many of those families told me I could get comfortable? That they wouldn’t send me away?” She raised her eyebrows in challenge. “Almost every one of them. And I broke a little bit every time I realized they’d lied until I finally smartened up and stopped letting myself get attached. People come and go. The only one I’m stuck with is myself, so I decided to start taking care of me. I know that might be hard for you to understand since it took you until you were twenty-five to accept, but—”
“What are you talking about? What took me until I was twenty-five to accept?”
“That the only person who should matter in your life, the only person you can count on to be there for you is you. If you think I’m wrong, well, look around. I don’t see your parents anywhere.” Blake knew she was hitting below the belt with that one, but she couldn’t stop the words from coming out before they did. But she was thankful Gavin hadn’t chosen to respond to her comment because she regretted saying it as soon as it crossed her lips. She took a breath to try to calm herself before speaking again. “Being whoever the hell I wanted to be without apologizing for anything. That’s how I know David Belson. He helped me get emancipated when I was sixteen.”
Gavin took a step toward her, but something in her face must have told him to back off because he stopped suddenly. “But you do have people who care about you. There’s Celeste. And Emily.”
She cut him off before he could add himself to the list, because she was sure he would have, and she couldn’t hear it. “I adore those girls, especially Celeste. But they’re not vital. If they dropped me tomorrow, I’d miss them, but I’d be okay. I’d understand, and I’d be able to move on without skipping a beat because there’s no footprint of them on my life. No shared clothes, no borrowed items—”
“No pictures,” Gavin finished for her.
“No pictures.” Blake sighed, some of her anger evaporating and resignation setting in. “You’re a great guy, Gavin. One of the best I’ve ever met. But I told you not to try to tie yourself to me. Because this was always how this was going to go.” She moved forward and tapped the picture he held in his hands. “I don’t do relationships, and I sure as hell don’t do memories. So you do whatever you want with that, but I don’t ever want to see it again.”
With nothing left to say and her room feeling too confining, Blake pushed past Gavin and fled the apartment, knowing she couldn’t outrun what had happened but was determined to try anyway.
* * *
Gavin stood in her doorway for he didn’t even know how long. It felt as though his limbs had been filled with lead. There was no way he could have known a simple gesture like hanging a picture of them would set her off like that.
Could he?
He finally forced himself to move and went back to the living room where he plopped down on the couch, tossed the frame aside, and buried his head in his hands. When he lifted it again, he looked around the room and tried to see it as Blake did. Sure, there was shit around, little trinkets and such, but not a single picture. He’d never even paid that much attention to that fact. He’d noticed it, sure. But as with the closet doors, he’d pushed it aside without really thinking about the why of it.
He picked up the picture and studied it. It was clear what he’d captured. This wasn’t a picture of two roommates or even two friends. The way they looked at one another—it was like he’d caught the purest manifestation of love possible between two people. Gavin was sure of how he felt, and he was fairly certain of Blake’s feelings as well. He felt like he probably recognized her feelings even though she seemed incapable of seeing them clearly herself.
But how was he supposed to get through to her when everyone she’d loved in her life had abandoned her? He didn’t blame her for being guarded. It was a matter of self-preservation. Gavin’s parents had always accused him of not being serious about his life, and he’d railed against that accusation at every turn because he sure as hell was serious. Serious about his art, and serious about Blake. The difference was, if he fell out of love with his art, he was the only one who’d be hurt by it. Should he try to get through to her when there were no guarantees they’d work out? When he couldn’t promise he wouldn’t eventually leave? Just because he couldn’t envision it happening didn’t mean it wouldn’t.
Blake clearly didn’t feel like it was worth the risk. And sitting on the couch with his thoughts all over the place, Gavin wasn’t sure he disagreed.
Chapter Twenty-One
Blake walked. And walked. And walked some more. Her brain was in overdrive, and she couldn’t sort through her thoughts enough to get any clarity. She was thankful she’d at least been able to stave off a panic attack. God, I’m such a mess.
She eventually found herself standing in front of a park entrance and turned in. She found a bench across from a fountain and sat down, staring at the water as it cascaded from the top tiers. A little girl was standing beside it, throwing change into the water and giggling as her father smiled at her and kept feeding her coins.
It was a Kodak moment if Blake had ever seen one, and it made her want to hurl rocks at them both. Of course, she never would. Despite Gavin thinking she was certifiable, she wouldn’t actually hurt anyone.
Except evidently him.
There was no doubt about it—Blake knew that her reaction had hurt Gavin. It probably seemed completely over the top to him. No normal person would go ballistic over a cute picture with her boyfriend.
Boyfriend. Was that really how she thought of Gavin? When had that happened?
Despite the walls she’d built to fortify her for a lifetime, Gavin had managed to sneak inside. She hadn’t even realized she’d been under siege until she’d seen that picture. And by then it was too late. He was already in, burrowing his way into her like a fucking virus. Even when he left, there would always be a trace of him there. And that…really fucking sucked.
Blake had a lot of issues, but being delusional wasn’t one of them. She knew she came with an expiration date. Eventually, she started to grate on people until the relationship went bad and needed to be trashed. Some people had a higher tolerance than others, but the end result was always the same. Why put herself—and him—through that?
She’d warned him. She’d fucking warned him, and the stupid jerk hadn’t listened, and now she was mentally berating herself as she scowled at the happiness of a four-year-old because she had reached that level of fucked up. The one thing Blake had always had going for her was that she was unequivocally and unapologetically herself.
So why the hell was she sitting on a bench and wondering who the hell she even was?
Or maybe that wasn’t accurate. She wondered who she wanted to be. And maybe to answer that, she had to face some harsh truths.
The first was that she’d lied about Celeste. Blake wouldn’t be even remotely okay if Celeste stopped talking to her. Maybe Blake had been able to keep the illusion that their lives weren’t intertwined, but the truth was the two of them were like sisters. Losing that would cut deep, and Blake knew she’d do everything in her power to make sure that never happened.
Which begged the question, if she was willing to do that for Celeste, why wasn’t she willing to do it for Gavin?
There were reasonable explanations. She hadn’t known Gavin as long, so the trust wasn’t as ingrained. The nature of their relationship was different since Blake had no interest in seeing Celeste naked, and Celeste was pretty similar to Blake. Gavin was
so different. Reserved and kind and gentle and normal. Though he seemed to like Blake a hell of a lot, so maybe he wasn’t completely normal.
The other truth she needed to face was that, even though she tried to pretend otherwise, Blake longed for human connections. She was lonely—had been for most of her life, though she wasn’t sure she realized how much until Gavin came along. Gavin had filled a lot of that void. It would be easy to depend on that, and Blake didn’t do dependence. That had gotten her hurt more than almost anything else in her life.
But as she took stock of the ache in her chest and the gritty feeling in her throat, she wondered if it could really hurt any more than it did after walking out on Gavin.
Gavin.
At the thought of his name, an image popped into her mind. His blond hair that he sometimes let grow out a little too long so it curled around his ears, his square jaw that always looked biteable in the mornings when stubble dotted it, his solid frame that enveloped her and made her feel safe.
A few stray tears escaped Blake’s eyes as the realization hit her. It didn’t matter if she never saw another picture of Gavin in her entire life. His likeness was imprinted on her brain. And it would always be there for the insanely complicated fact that she loved him. She’d probably started falling a little bit in love with him that very first day she’d met him, and it had only grown stronger with every day that had passed since.
And as she continued to sit and watch the water, Blake faced the last truth she needed to confront. She was really fucking dumb.
* * *
Gavin stared at his phone, wondering if he should call her or not. He wanted to make sure she was okay, but would hearing from him only keep her away longer? The more time that passed, the more pissed off he got. All this because of a picture. And while he knew it was more than that, deeper, it still irked him that she hadn’t even given him a chance to be her friend. If she didn’t want more, he’d figure out how to deal with it. But she could’ve at least been a fucking adult and talked to him about it instead of running away and making him worry.
When he finally heard the door open a few hours after she’d left, he’d worked himself into such a tizzy he nearly leaped off the couch and rushed to confront her. But he needed to keep a calm head. Freaking out wouldn’t do the situation any good.
He sat still and waited to see what she was going to do. It took her a minute to come toward him, and when she did so, her gait was slow but steady. They looked at one another for a long moment before she spoke. “So I may have overreacted.”
Air whooshed out of him. “Ya think?”
One side of her mouth tilted up slightly. “I never claimed to be rational.”
No, no, she didn’t.
She stood there and fidgeted with her hands before crossing them. “I’m sorry I said all that stuff.”
“I’m not,” he countered, which caused surprise to flash across her face. “I needed to hear it. Even if we’re never more than friends, I still want to know you, Blake. I want to understand.”
She snorted. “That’s a really tall order.”
Gavin smiled. “Kind of like a grande quad nonfat one-pump no-whip mocha latte?”
That caused her to laugh loudly. “That drink is going to haunt me forever, isn’t it?”
Standing slowly, Gavin took measured steps toward her. “Probably. Because I plan to be in your life forever, however you decide to have me.”
A smirk started forming on her mouth. “There are lots of ways I want to have you.”
That sounded…promising. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.” Blake let out a breath. “I’ve forced myself to be okay for so long that I never stopped to ask myself if I was actually happy. And I wasn’t. Not until you. And I’m scared to death of losing that, Gavin, but I’m even more afraid of never having it at all.”
That was everything he’d needed to hear. Reaching up, he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “You make me happy too.”
“I can’t promise I won’t freak out ever again.”
“Just don’t run. If you’re freaking out, then we’ll deal with it. But I can’t handle not knowing if you’re okay.”
She leaned toward him, and their arms wrapped around each other. “You’re too good for me. You know that, right?”
“I think we’re good together. Perfect even.”
They stood there for a while, and Gavin relished the closeness.
Blake was the first to pull away. “So where’s the picture? I want to hang it back up.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“No, I want to. I need to. I have to work on my issues. Especially the ones that don’t make any sense.”
Gavin wanted to argue that her issues made total sense, but there was a more concerning problem to deal with first. “I…kind of threw it out.”
“What? Why would you do that? I love that picture.”
Gavin couldn’t help but laugh. “There is literally no one else in the world like you. You know that?”
“Yes, thank God. Now which trash can did you throw it out in?” She didn’t wait for him to respond before she went into the kitchen and took the lid off the trash can. A second later, she was back with the frame. She walked over to the hook he’d nailed into place earlier and rehung it. “There. Perfect. Just like you said.” Standing in front of the picture, Blake didn’t take her eyes off it.
Gavin went to her and slid his hands around her waist as he pressed against her back. “Definitely perfect.”
“You look like you love me in that picture,” she said, her voice low and clearly fishing.
“That’s how I look, huh?”
“Yup.”
Gavin squeezed her a little tighter. “And how do you look?”
Nestling back into him, Blake relaxed her head against his chest. “Like I love you back.”
Gavin had spent a lot of his life wondering if he was doing the right things. But there, in that moment with Blake, he was confident he was exactly where he was supposed to be, doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing—loving this girl, his girl, with every fiber of his being. And being loved in return.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Gavin noticed Blake leaning against the doorway of his room, but he was too busy fixing his hair to turn toward her.
“We’re going to be late,” she stated plainly.
Ignoring her, Gavin decided his hair was as good as it was going to get and smoothed his hand over his black button-down.
“Shouldn’t you not be late?” she asked.
“Stop stressing me out,” Gavin muttered as he shrugged into his suit jacket and analyzed his reflection. “What do you think of this jacket?”
“I think it’s going to be late to its own gallery show.”
“Pretty sure the jacket isn’t the one having the show,” he replied as he took the jacket off.
When she remained quiet, Gavin looked over at her. She was looking at him curiously.
“What?” he asked.
“I think I’m rubbing off on you, and I’m not sure it’s a good thing.”
“Why? Because I can’t make up my mind about what I should wear on the most important night of my life?”
“No, because you’re talking about your jacket like it’s a person.”
Gavin snorted. “You did it first.”
He heard her sigh loudly. “Which is exactly my point. I am not your gauge for what’s normal, Gavin. You know this.”
He decided to forego the jacket, gave himself one more once-over, and walked over to her. Pressing his lips to hers, he gave her a sweet kiss that he hoped held a hint of promise for what was to come later. “Normal is overrated,” he said when he pulled back a moment later.
“Yeah, it’s also…normal,” she said.
That made him smile. “Very eloquent.”
“Whatever. I get dumber when you’re this close to me because all I can think about is how much I—”
Gavin covered her mou
th with his hand, causing her to stop speaking immediately. “Please don’t finish that sentence. A hard-on doesn’t go with this outfit.”
A carnal smile lit up Blake’s face. “I disagree. I wish a hard-on would find its way inside my outfit. And my body.”
“Jesus Christ,” Gavin muttered as he let his eyes rove over the outfit she’d mentioned. She was in a formfitting red wrap dress that hugged her curves and dipped down low enough to show a hint of her ample cleavage. Her hair hung in waves around her shoulders, and her black heels were stilettos. “You look amazing. So we need to hurry up and leave before I decide to skip the show and stay here and fuck you instead.”
“How romantic,” Blake said through a laugh as she started down the hall.
As they walked past the picture of the two of them hanging on the wall, Blake kissed two of her fingers and pressed them against the glass, as she did every time she left the apartment. It was something she’d started doing the day after their fight over it. He didn’t ask her about it right away because he didn’t want to jinx the fondness she clearly had for the photo. But after about a week, curiosity got the best of him.
Her response was simple. She said she loved the people in that picture and always wanted to make sure they knew it. It was odd and quirky and so Blake that Gavin felt like his love for her grew even more. Four months later, and she never forgot to do it.
She’d also let him take a few more pictures of the two of them together, and she’d snapped quite a few on her phone as well, but they hadn’t hung any up yet. Blake hadn’t asked him to, and he didn’t want to push. The one they had displayed was enough for now.
They hurried downstairs and jumped into the Uber they’d requested that had been idling outside for probably close to twenty minutes.
Misadventures with My Roommate Page 15
