by Amy DeMeritt
“You don’t need to prove anything to anyone except yourself, Jordan. You don’t need a billboard above your head proclaiming who you are. If a person does mess with you, then unleash that fighter in you, but otherwise, use that fighting spirit you have however you really want to use it.”
“Do I still have a fighting spirit if I’m not a boxer?”
“Everyone has a fighting spirit; some are just stronger than others. You have an insanely strong fighting spirit, but you’ve been misdirecting its energy.”
“Why have we never talked like this before? Why have you been holding out on me all this time?” Callie laughs and takes a drink before answering. “I guess I too was scared of not appearing strong and tough. Showing emotion and ‘intellectual depth’ was always viewed as weak by my father. My dad was a fighter and thinks everything can be solved with his fist. I never believed that, but I thought if I acted otherwise, he would see me as weak.” I feel my heart ache and I want to reach across the table and hold her. “Callie, are you only a boxer because of your father?”
“It’s something I’ve started to examine. This thing you’re going through kind of made me take a step back and start thinking about things. I don’t want to lose what you and I have if we both stop boxing. Boxing is how we met and where we spend so much of our time together.” I smile and reach across the table taking her hand in mine. “Callie, boxing does not define our friendship. Even if we both hang up our gloves, we’ll still be best friends. If you’re going to push me to remember this lost day and delve deep into my darkness, then you need to also. Don’t send me down that rocky road alone.”
“Ok, Pixie. You find your lost day and I’ll do my own soul searching as well.”
I look down at her shirt and smile. I’m sure it was just the way she moved, but it almost looked like the giant orange and white koi on her tank top smiled and winked at me.
When I get home after work, I start making some dinner. The storms are supposed to start before seven o’clock so I asked Alex to come for dinner so she would be here with me when it starts. My mom likes to tease me for being a “bad Italian” because I’m not much of a bread and pasta eater. I prefer rice to pasta and I eat a lot of it. Eating with Alex is never a battle of where to go or what to make because we both have the same taste in food. Tonight, I’m making one of my favorite “comfort” meals – little hand rolled balls of sticky Korean sweet rice, steamed strips of peppers, carrots, broccoli, and baby corn that’s been tossed in a light sesame dressing, and ginger soy marinated chicken skewers. I hope Alex likes it.
Just as I’m washing my hands after rolling the sticky rice balls, there’s a sweet little knock at my door. I smile and quickly dry my hands to answer. Alex steps in running her fingers through her beautiful dark brown hair and smiling.
“The rain is starting. It’s light right now, but the sky looks beautifully terrifying.”
“Good. I’m just finishing dinner now. Can you help me turn my couch to face the sliding glass door so we can watch the storm brew while we eat?”
“Of course.”
After hanging Alex’s light jacket and purse in the foyer closet, we walk to the living room and easily turn the couch to face the balcony. As we are setting the coffee table in front of the couch so we’ll have some place to set our plates and drinks, the timer goes off, indicating the chicken is done.
I assemble the plates, fill us both a glass of chilled slightly sweet oolong tea, and we sit down close together on the couch to eat.
“Jordan, this is delicious. Thank you for cooking.” I smile and settle back deeper into the soft worn cushions of my couch. “Anytime. How was the rest of your day?”
“Long. I couldn’t wait to get here and just relax. How was your lunch with Callie?” I smile and feel warm in my core at the admission that she couldn’t wait to be here with me and that she feels relaxed in my company. “It was nice. Callie has never been like you, able to talk about emotions too much or find meaning in seemingly meaningless things like you can. But today she was very, I don’t know what the word is, but she just seemed like that hard exterior of hers was cracking. It was a much deeper conversation than I typically have with Callie.”
When I finish telling her about my conversation with Callie, Alex sets her empty plate down and turns to face me. “When do you want to start trying to remember?” I set my plate down as well and turn towards her. Alex takes one of my hands in hers and I smile. “Not tonight, but soon I guess. I just want to enjoy tonight.” Alex smiles and nods. “Ok, maybe tomorrow then.” A loud crack of thunder sounds the start of our thunderstorm symphony and we both smile and turn to look outside. The rain has picked up and the sky looks wicked with swirling shades of dark gray and black. I love that the buildings across from mine are shorter so that I can look out my balcony windows and see sky and not a skyscraper.
We both turn back around and lean back to watch Mother Nature put on a show for us. Alex slides over closer and continues to hold my hand on her lap. I smile and lean my head on her shoulder. This is the best. I feel so safe and content with Alex. It’s amazing that such a gentle sweet person can make me feel safer than I’ve felt in my whole life. You’d think that a strong fighter like Callie would make me feel safer, but its Alex that makes me feel like nothing in this world can hurt me when I’m with her.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if I could go anywhere in the world without risk of harm or death. Like, seeing the inside of a volcano, the deepest depths of the ocean, or the center of the earth firsthand. It would be amazing to actually see the center of the earth and see if Jules Verne just had a great imagination or if he had actually discovered some great secret that the world just couldn’t accept because it was too fantastic.
“Alex, if you could go anywhere in the world without risk, where would you go?” She looks at me a little confused so I explain my musings and she smiles. “Can we extend it to the universe?” I nod and smile. “Then I would go into a black hole in outer space.”
“Seriously?” Alex laughs and nods. “Yeah. No one has ever been in one and we have no idea what it’s really like in one. It could be completely amazing, especially when you consider how they just suck up everything in their path. It seems like from the outside it would be dangerous or scary, but it may be very peaceful and beautiful inside.”
“But what if it’s just darkness and you can’t see anything at all?”
“Well, it wouldn’t be a total bust because the journey through outer space would be spectacular. While in the black hole, I can at least enjoy the solitude till my ship returns to, the sometimes overcrowded and sometimes much too loud, Earth.”
“What would you do with your solitude?” Before she can answer there’s a loud thunder clap that shakes the sliding glass door. We both smile and look back at the storm for a couple minutes. Alex loops her arm in mine and entwines her fingers with mine before answering, “I think I would use my solitude doing pretty much what we do when we talk. I would think about all the hidden wonders of the world and small joys in life so that when I got back home, I would better appreciate them. Sometimes, it becomes hard to appreciate the little things or even the extraordinary things because we’re constantly in this world, constantly experiencing it. It’s like when you go to a huge art museum. After a while, everything starts to look the same and you lose the intrigued inspired interest you had when you first entered the museum.”
“I’m glad that even in this crowded city, with Mother Nature’s loud music playing, we can share what you would do in the peaceful solitude of a black hole. I love these talks we have.” Alex smiles and stands up, pulling me up with her. “Have you ever danced to Mother Nature’s music?” I laugh and shake my head. She smiles and places a hand on my hip while still holding my other hand. “Dance with me?”
We start dancing around my living room to the beats of the rolling thunder with the frequent lightning strikes lighting up my apartment like an erratic strobe light. While we danc
e, I feel like I can almost hear one of those beautiful piano classical songs Alex put on the CD she gave me. After a couple minutes, Alex stops us and gives me a tight hug. Oh, this feels good. Alex is warm and soft and I feel so comfortable in her arms. When Alex pulls back, she’s still wearing the sweet loving smile she had on her lips the whole time we danced.
“I’m pretty sure everyone I know would laugh that we just danced to the song of a thunderstorm, but it felt oddly perfect. Alex, thank you for helping me see the extraordinary in the simple moments and for helping me to love life in a way I never have before. I feel like I’m finally ready to start living in a more perfect way.” Alex smiles and places her cool soft palm against my cheek. “You’re welcome. I’ve never danced to a thunderstorm before, but I think it’s now one of my favorite ways to enjoy a thunderstorm.”
We sit back down, and with an arm looped together and hands entwined, we sit here just enjoying the show outside. Everyone always teases me for loving thunderstorms so much. I love that Alex enjoys them as well and that we can sit here like this. I rest my head on her shoulder and Alex reaches over with her other hand and gently caresses my cheek and neck briefly, making me smile.
Chapter Seven
“Jordan, you can’t keep flinching and shaking the image out of your head every time you get close to finishing it or you’re not going to get your answers.” I open my eyes and sit up. “Alex, we have been doing this for days. I don’t know why I can’t get passed that moment. I feel like I’m trying hard to stay in the memory or dream or whatever it is, but it just disappears when I get to that moment.”
For the past few nights, Alex has come over to try and help me remember my “lost day”. I’ve been replaying the fight I had with Tina in my dreams, thinking that maybe it has something to do with my blocked memory. I get through the whole brutal fight, but the image is lost just as Tina is standing back up after I lay her out on the mat.
“I need some water.” I stand up and walk to my kitchen. I grab a couple bottles of water from the fridge, and when I turn, Alex is standing a few feet back leaning against the counter. I hand her a bottle and we both take a drink. After she takes a few sips, she places her bottle down on the counter and reaches for my hand. “Come here.” I walk over to her and she takes my bottle of water, places it on the counter, and takes both of my hands in hers.
“I have an idea. I’m not sure if it will work, but I think we should try it.” She’s nervously biting her bottom lip and that makes me nervous, but I trust Alex and I’ll do anything she asks. “Ok, what’s your idea?” She pulls on my hand and starts walking out of the kitchen and towards my bedroom.
When we get to my bedroom, she stands me in front of my full-length mirror and steps out of the reflection. “Ok, are you ready?” I frown and furrow my brow in both anxiety and confusion. “Ready for what?”
“To see your reflection.” I look back at myself in the mirror. I’m wearing a pair of comfortable sweat pants and a fitted tank top. There’s worry etched in my brow. I hesitate to answer. Alex comes over and turns me to face her. She smiles compassionately and wraps her arms around me. “I’ll be right here, Jordan.” She places her hand on my cheek and looks deep into my eyes with those amazing green glacial ice eyes that give me strength to look into. “Ok, I’m ready.” She releases me and steps to the side so she’s not in the mirrors reflection.
“Ok, don’t close your eyes at all. Stare into your eyes and picture yourself in that match. Pick up where you knock Tina down and she’s sitting up trying to focus her eyes. While she’s down, try to look around and notice other details. Are there any banners or posters for the event?”
I stare into my eyes and try to focus on the details of the dream. Slowly, the reflection staring back at me becomes slick like oil and slowly swirls and ripples, distorting my reflection. When it settles, I’m no longer wearing sweat pants and a tank top, I’m in my favorite pair of bright royal blue boxing shorts, a black sports bra, and my boxing gloves. Damn, my face is really messed up. I’ve never looked so bad before. Both of my eyes are pretty swollen and bruised. The right side of my mouth is busted and bleeding. My abs and ribs look like one giant bruise.
Ok, stop looking at yourself, Jordan. Look around you. The referee is calling out numbers next to Tina. Standing outside of the ring in one corner is my coach, Callie, and my parents. They all look worried and hopeful. My mother has her hands clasped tightly together and appears to be praying that Tina stays down. I raise my gaze above the bleachers of spectators. There are banners hanging for a regionals match. They look very familiar. I feel a prickle in my brain like a memory trying to be brought to the surface.
Before I can fully grasp hold of that memory, Tina stands and rushes towards me. I try to evade her, but she grabs my shoulders, knees me right in my gut, and I go down. The referee blows his whistle and calls foul. She knocked the wind out of me and I can’t breathe. I hear Callie cussing at Tina from outside the ring. Tina spits out in an evil hiss, “Stay down, or I will destroy you.” She looks menacing, but there’s also a bit of worry in her eyes. She’s doubting her ability to win this match. That’s all I need – her lack of complete confidence.
I quickly stand up and go full throttle into Tina, hammering her with punch after punch, backing her into the ropes. I land a hard uppercut in her left ribcage and she bends forward, slightly dropping her arms to grab her ribs. I land a hard right-hook on her jaw and she goes down and she stays down. Her eyes are open and she’s breathing hard, but she looks dazed. The referee immediately starts his count and I back up. Come on Tina, stay down.
Tina sits up, but she falls back and reaches her hand up to hold her head. She’s dizzy. She punches the mat and tries to get up on one knee, but falls back down. The referee screams ten and the bell rings to sound the end of the match and my victory. Thank god. My team erupts onto the mat and I’m soon encompassed on all sides by my coach, Callie, and my parents. Callie and my mom both have their arms wrapped around me, holding me tightly. I groan in pain and they immediately let go. Callie says something about needing to let a medic look at me.
Everyone hangs out on the mat for a couple more minutes before the referee is kicking us all off for the next match. Just as I’m about to step through the ropes to climb out of the ring, I look up just in time to see Tina swing a bare fisted right-hook right into my left temple. My vision immediately goes white and I fall out of the ring and hit my head on the hard-concrete floor outside the ring.
I fall to my knees with my head in my hands and shake it. I remember. That was a real match. That was the last regionals match that I wasn’t even supposed to be in. The girl from our gym that was supposed to go up against Tina got food poisoning and couldn’t compete. Even though Tina is in a higher division and weight class, I decided to fight so our gym wouldn’t have to forfeit the match. I’m so confused. I know this match happened, but I don’t know where it falls in my timeline. Nothing makes any sense.
When I open my eyes, I’m back in my bedroom wearing my sweat pants and tank top. Tears start rushing down my cheeks. I look to my side expecting to see Alex, but she’s gone. I quickly stand up and franticly look around me.
“Alex!” No answer. My chest gets tight with panic. “Alex! Where are you?!” I rush out of my bedroom into my living room. Nothing. I open the glass door to my balcony. “Alex?” She’s not here. Just as I’m about to step back inside, my eyes catch the delicate bright blue forget-me-nots. I go over and run my hands over them and smell them. I start crying hard. Where is she? She said she would stay by my side.
“Jordan?” My head jerks up at the small velvety whisper. “Alex?” I turn around, but there’s no one here with me. I run back inside and check every room of my apartment, calling out to her, but she doesn’t answer. I fall to my knees in my foyer and sob loudly, almost hyperventilating.
“Jordan, please open your eyes. There’s not much time.” I jerk my head up and look around me. “Alex, where are you? Why can�
�t I see you? Please, I need you!” I stand up and look around me. What’s happening?
Suddenly, I feel her cool gentle hand on my cheek, but I can’t see her. I try to place my hand over hers, but I can’t feel her hand on my hand, only on my cheek. I try to focus on the familiar feeling.
“Jordan, they’ll be here soon and I won’t be able to stop them. It’s time to stop dreaming and wake up.” She sounds like she’s crying. “Alex, what are you talking about? I am awake. Who’s coming? What do they want?”
“Jordan, if you can hear me, I need you to know something. I love you, and it’s going to completely break my heart if I lose you. Please choose to live and open your eyes so we can be together.” I’m crying so hard that I can’t breathe. I feel something soft and warm press against my lips, but I can’t see anything. “Alex? Please, I don’t understand what’s happening. I love you too.” I reach out hoping there’s a form in front of me, even if invisible, but there’s nothing except air.
“They’re coming; we’re running out of time. You have to choose to live, Jordan. Please, I can’t lose you.” Her voice is desperate and seems to be getting further away. I rush to my door, trying to follow it. I rush down the stairs of my apartment building. “Alex!” I push open the door and stumble out onto the sidewalk.
Everything looks different. It looks kind of gray and there’s no sound or any people around. What the hell is going on? “Alex!” I feel her hand slide into mine and grip me firmly. I look to my left, but there’s no one there where she should be standing.
