by Amanda Aksel
Rachel forced a smiled and I could tell she was as uncomfortable as I was. “My friend from work. She and Marin met the other day.”
“Do you mean your friend Kyle, the guidance counselor?” David rolled his eyes and guzzled the rest of his champagne like a frat boy gulping from a beer bong. I was half surprised he didn’t chuck the glass across the room.
“No,” Rachel continued in her phony, keep-it-cool voice. “I'm talking about Keiko. She's a teacher.”
“So, Marin,” David asked with a piece of steak sitting on the inside of his cheek. “What's this experience you want to hear so much about?”
I glanced at Rachel and her apologetic eyes, then looked at James, whose mouth was parted ready to speak.
“Fertility treatments,” I said with a tight-lipped smile.
David cocked his head, his mouth still full. “Fertility treatments?”
James put his arm around my shoulders and held me tight. “Yeah, Marin and I are trying to have a baby.”
David’s face seemed to soften as he looked at James. “I knew that, I just didn't know you guys had to see a doctor about it.”
“We recently started seeing one just in case. It’s my thirty-fifth birthday, after all,” I said, half joking and half wanting him to wipe the ugly snarl off of his face.
David shrugged. “Okay,” But it didn't look like he’d shrugged it off at all. His face was covered in judgment.
I felt my patience wear delicately thin. It was my fucking birthday. “Do you have a problem with fertility doctors?” I asked.
He didn't look at me, just continued to scarf down his garlic mashed potatoes. “What you guys do in your private life is none of my business.”
“True, but that wasn't the question.” Let it go, Marin. Just let it go!
“I just don't think we should mess with nature. If you're not getting pregnant, then maybe there's a reason for it.”
For a moment my heart stopped and my jaw fell on my kale salad. Did he really just say that?
“David!” Rachel yelled.
I held a stiff index finger up to her. “Wait, wait. For what reason do people like me not get pregnant?” The rest of the table had shifted their attention to our conversation. Maybe even some others at the nearby tables.
“Marin, come on?" James said, slightly annoyed. Not sure at who by that point.
I whipped my head back and forth between my husband and Rachel’s. “No, I want him to say it. What's the reason I haven't gotten pregnant yet?”
David leaned back a little, holding his hands up. He wasn’t used to me talking back to him even though he deserved it on many occasions. “I don't know why, I just think that some people were not meant to procreate. It's natural selection. It's survival of the fittest.”
“What!” Holly and Telly called out, slamming their hands on the table, causing the silverware to clink against the plates. Now we had the attention of the restaurant.
I leaned in, hoping my glare would burn up David’s shitty attitude. “So you're telling me that if you and Rachel wanted a baby more than anything and were unable to conceive naturally and she wanted to see a fertility doctor you would tell her no?”
“Rachel and I don't want to have kids,” he said.
“Together,” Rachel started. “We don't want to have kids together.” She dropped her napkin on the table. “That’s part of the reason we're getting divorced!”
Holly and Noom gasped and I held my breath.
David slammed his fist on the table. “Seriously, Rachel? You didn't want to wait for a better time to announce our separation?”
“No, because I can't stand being married to you for one more minute!” Rachel stood and grabbed her purse. “Sorry, Marin,” she said with tears in her eyes and took off around the corner, leaving the table in a dead silence.
A few moments later, Holly turned to David with puppy-dog eyes. “You're getting divorced?”
I grabbed my coat and ran after Rachel, not wanting to hear another word out of David’s mouth. She had barely made it out of the restaurant when I caught up to her.
“Rachel, wait!”
She stopped and turned back, her cheeks wet with tears. “I'm sorry, Marin. I just can't do it anymore.”
I took her in my arms. “It's okay. I get it. David is such an asshole.”
She sniffled, wiping her wet mascara from under her eyes. “I know, right?”
“I gotta ask. What did you see in him in the first place?” It was strange hating the man who was best friends with my husband and married to one of my best friends. Rachel and James were good people. Really good people. Why would they associate with someone who ruined birthday-Valentine’s dinners?
Rachel rubbed her forehead, seeming just as perplexed by the whole thing. “We used to have fun. We had great sex. But after the incident . . .” She gave me a knowing stare. “All of that went away and I guess we didn't have much to hold our relationship together. I mean, I don't even want to tell you who he voted for in the last election.”
I gawked at her so much it felt like I was stretching my jaw for better flexibility. “No. Way.”
She nodded. “Mmhmm.”
“Well, I guess it takes an idiot to vote for one. Girl, that alone would’ve sent me to divorce court.”
She let out a small laugh. “Yeah, right. I don't think there's anything that could tear you and James apart. You two have been through some shit. I always hoped that eventually James would rub off on him more, but David seems to be getting worse.”
“I know. I’ve been wondering lately if James is continuing the friendship out of loyalty instead of likability.” The street seemed to be getting busier and I led Rachel toward the windows of the restaurant and we leaned against the wall side by side.
“You know how they say when God closes a door he opens a window?” Rachel asked.
I turned to her. “Yeah . . .”
“Well, I think I found an open window.”
“Does it have an ocean view?” I asked.
“No.” She chuckled. “I'm talking about a guy.”
Rachel was already dating? Then again, she did have a hiccup not long ago. “Wait. The fitness trainer?”
Even in the dimly lit street, I saw that her cheeks were flushed at the thought of this guy. “No, Kyle, he's a guidance counselor at my school.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Rachel . . . did you have another affair?”
“No!” She seemed almost angry that I would even ask. But like I’d said, it wouldn’t have been the first time. And if I were married to David, I might’ve been inclined to look elsewhere too.
I gave her a skeptical look.
She shook her head. “Seriously, I'm not. It was awful and I'll never do that again. But . . . I really like this guy. He's kind and likes to read real books. He's nothing like David. The bad parts anyway.”
I nudged her with my shoulder. “Does he like you?”
She smirked in a lovesick way. “He does but he knows I'm technically married.”
“Does he also know you're getting divorced?”
“Yeah and he can't wait.” Rachel started bouncing up and down with the news and it reminded me of when she had a huge crush on some guy when she was in eighth grade. What was his name . . .? Tony Lipton. She uttered it so many times that there was no way I’d ever forget it. “I told him I didn't want to date him until we were officially divorced.”
“But you're separated. It's not against the rules to start dating. You think David's not going to be seeing anyone until the divorce is final?” The thought made me wonder how many more times he’d cheated on Rachel during their short marriage.
She waved her hand with a blah expression. “I don't care what he does. I don't want a failed marriage hovering over me the whole time I'm trying to get to know this guy. I mean, what if he's the one? The real one. When I fall in love again, I want to be totally free to fall.”
My heart seemed to grow wings in that moment and flap like a hummingbird. So man
y of my patients were terrified to fall in love again after a divorce, but not Rachel. She couldn't wait.
“And I thought I was a romantic,” I said.
She smiled, draping her arm over my shoulder. “Where do you think I learned it from?”
CHAPTER TWELVE
Heart to Hearts
The ride home from the restaurant was even quieter than the ride home from Sonoma, which I didn't think was possible. James stared out the front windshield and I knew he was pissed. It was a good thing he didn’t care about wrinkles because his eyebrows were tightly squished together the entire ride. I couldn’t blame him for being upset. All he wanted was for me to have a nice birthday and instead I ruined it by pestering an asshole, which I knew would do nothing but spew shit. Maybe that was why I did it. I wanted everyone to see how unreasonable he was. Not that they hadn't seen it before. Maybe I just wanted James to see it again. Admittedly, it would’ve been easier if we could all divorce David. But I knew deep down that James would never do that.
He said nothing as he opened the front door of the house. Marvin ran over to him, howling a wolf-like cry like we’d been gone for ten years. James immediately grabbed his leash.
“I'm going to take him for a walk,” he said, looking anywhere but at me.
“Okay,” I said quietly, when what I really wanted was to hash it out and move past it. I thought about offering an apology, but I got the sense it wasn’t the right time. In the half hour that James was gone, I played every potential conversation or argument either of us could've had over in my mind, making mental notes of all the valid points I’d make about who the real bad-guy was. Even after he returned home, the cold air seemed to stay with him. He took a deep breath and let Marvin off the leash. The Great Dane came over and nuzzled his head on my belly. I pet his ears and kissed the top of his head. When I looked up, James was already halfway up the stairs.
“Are we going to talk about this?” I asked, making my way to the railing.
He turned, his face emotionless. “I can't right now. Let's just go to bed.”
I wanted to stomp my foot on the ground and yell, “No, we're going to talk about this right now!” But I knew from my line of work that sometimes talking could get you into trouble. Maybe he just didn't want to say something he'd regret. Then again, was he really that angry that he was afraid he'd say something terrible? As much as it irked me, waiting might’ve been for the best. I followed him upstairs and changed out of my sexy-leg dress while he brushed his teeth in the bathroom. With the door closed. By the time I was done washing my face, he was already under the covers with the lights out. I crawled into bed next to him but he didn't turn over to snuggle me like he usually did.
My mind raced over all of the issues at hand. James and I were undergoing fertility treatments. David and Rachel were splitting up. Holly was leaving for Thailand in a few months, and work was so exhausting and time consuming with the new patient load. But the biggest bother of all was that James, the usual safe haven in the storm, seemed to be closed off. His nighttime breathing was usually a good substitute for a sound machine and I could tell that he wasn't sleeping much either by his lack of slow, deep breaths.
Finally, after a couple of hours, I fell asleep, but when I woke up, James was gone. I rushed to the window, fearing the worst. His car was still in the driveway so he hadn't left, left. But where was he?
I checked the office and the rooms upstairs, then quietly walked down the steps to the living room where he was fast asleep, slow deep breaths and all. Did he need to get that much space from me to even fall asleep? My stomach churned and I felt that it might be a bigger deal than I originally thought.
When the sun came out, I jumped out of bed and ran downstairs. The pillow and blanket that James had slept with were gone. So was he. I heard the pour of hot coffee and followed it to the kitchen. James stood at the counter filling up two mugs. Dressing one the way he liked it and one the way I liked it.
“Hey,” I said, tiptoeing in and wrapping my sweater tightly around my body.
He picked up the coffee mugs and looked at me for the first time since we’d left the disaster. “Hey.”
“I saw you slept on the couch last night.” I searched his eyes, gathering as much information as I could. He looked sad and sorry. My heart sank. I was missing something. He handed me one of the steaming cups. “Thanks,” I said, looking just as sad and sorry.
He dropped his head. “I hope I didn't wake you up.”
I barely shook my head. “No, I was just worried about you. You haven't spoken to me since the restaurant.”
“I know, come here,” he said, leaving his coffee on the counter and enveloping me in his arms. “I just didn't know what to say to you last night. I felt terrible.”
“You did?” Why did he sound like it was his fault, besides the fact that he invited David to my birthday dinner? It wasn’t his fault.
He held my hand and grabbed a stool from under the island. He sat down and took my other hand. “I'm so sorry about what David said to you last night. What he said to us. He was totally out of line. I should’ve said something right away or punched him in the jaw. Instead, I just got up and paid the check.”
I pursed my mouth. “So wait? You're not mad at me?”
“I was a little at first, but then I realized that I’m your man and I should’ve stood up for you.”
I dropped my shoulders. “This whole time I thought you were pissed at me. That you couldn’t stand being in the same bed with me.”
Heartfelt apologies were swimming in his ocean-blue eyes. “Aww, I’m sorry. I was pissed at him and really pissed at myself.”
I hinted at a smile and ran my hand along his stubbly cheek. “It's okay. It’s over now.”
His eyes shifted and he moved his face away from my hand. “There's more.”
Oh, no. “What?”
“I knew about Rachel and David's divorce. I've known for a while. He asked me not to say anything to anyone, that they wanted to tell us at the right time. I should've told you.”
My stomach clenched. “I knew about it too. Rachel told me in Sonoma. I should've said something to you too, but I promised.”
He let out a long breath and I couldn’t quite tell if he was relieved or disappointed that we had both knowingly kept it from one another.
“I take my friends' and loved ones' confidence very seriously. It’s part of my job. So I understand why you didn't want to say anything either.”
James shrugged. “Well, it doesn't matter now. The cat’s out of the bag.”
I sat on the stool next to him and took a sip of my coffee. “Do you think it was their plan to get into a huge fight on Valentine's Day so they didn’t have to have an uncomfortable conversation?”
“No, but it seems about par.” James rolled his eyes and patted his hand on the counter.
“Yeah, that's true.” It definitely wasn’t the first blowup we’d witnessed with them.
His gaze fell to his coffee cup.
“Are we okay?” I asked, placing my hand gently on his, rubbing my thumb across his rough knuckles.
He looked up and smiled. “We're great.”
I leaned in to kiss him. “Good.”
James’ smile turned serious. “I'm gonna take some time away from David too.”
“Really?” I said, holding my hot mug up to my face, breathing in just a hint of cinnamon. My man knows how I like my coffee.
He looked away, flashing an ugly sneer, probably the same one I shot David last night. “Yeah, I'm too pissed at him right now to be his friend.”
Damn. James was the most forgiving person I knew. If he hadn't been, our relationship would’ve never survived. I couldn’t have imagined James turning his back on David, especially in the middle of his divorce.
My phone began singing and echoed all the way downstairs.
“It's pretty early. Let me see who that is.” I ran up and caught the call right before it went to voicemail.
“Hey, Holly,” I said, catching my breath.
“Did I wake you?” She sounded cautious.
I yawned and plunked down on the bed, tucking my legs under the cozy covers. “No, I didn't sleep much.”
“Yeah, me neither. Can you meet me for coffee in the park?” By the sound of her voice it wasn’t about a friendly visit. She wanted to talk about last night or tell me something else. I felt heat rise in my cheeks and I wanted to throw up the four sips of coffee I just drank. I wished it were morning sickness, but I knew it couldn’t be.
“Sure. Is everything okay?” I asked.
“You remember dinner last night, right?” And she was not happy about it either.
“Unfortunately. I'll see you soon.”
Forty minutes later, I strolled up to the corner of the Panhandle. Holly sat on a bench holding two reusable travel mugs. The sun peeked through the canopy of the trees and she was purposefully catching rays on her face. I dodged through the runners and bicyclist to get to her.
She rose to her feet and warmed me from the fifty-degree weather with a hug. “Hey!”
“Hey, what's going on?” I asked and she handed me one of the cups. I took a sip, feeling the warm steam on my face.
“I just needed to talk to you about everything. It's been a really crazy year so far and now this?”
“So you didn't know they were separated?” I didn’t think she knew for sure, but Holly was a smart cookie. She was close enough to her sister to figure it out.
She pulled her legs up on the bench and sat cross-legged, placing her coffee in the center. “I had my suspicions, but I was so wrapped up in other things that I ignored it. I haven't been a great sister lately and I haven't been a great friend either.”
I shot her a strange look. “What are you talking about?”
“I wasn't very present around the holidays because I was planning the wedding and the trip to Thailand. Looking back, Rachel reached out to me, but I just kept putting her off. I feel so bad because I wasn't around when she needed me the most.”
“Shouldn't you be telling her this?” I muttered out of the side of my mouth.
“Yeah and I will, but there's something else I wanted to tell you,” she said seriously.
