by Amanda Aksel
I nodded. “Yeah, I think so. Eventually.”
She smiled and her eyes sparkled with sincerity. “That’ll be one lucky kid.”
That night, Rachel came over with blue and green streamers, lime-green linen tablecloths, paper signs, and a cake made out of diapers. We left the streamers on the floor just long enough for little Stella to start at them, leaving us with only half of what we needed. Or half of what Rachel thought we needed.
“I think this is enough,” I said. “It’s simple. Holly will love it.”
“No way. This is the miracle baby. We have to go all out.”
“Actually, I think Holly wants the cupcakes and nothing more.” I laughed.
Rachel snapped her fingers. “Oh yeah, I have to remember to pick those up in the morning.”
“Seriously,” I said, handing her the clear tape. “Bring the balloons and cupcakes tomorrow and we'll have a great time.”
“Okay, but hang on to these.” She handed me a green grocery bag full of baby food jars, a few loose diapers, assorted chocolate bars, and a long measuring tape.
I cocked my head to the side. “What's this?”
“Games, girl. It’s not a baby shower if you’re not guessing baby food flavors.”
I shrugged, thinking that there were no taste tests at Ginger’s baby shower. “If you say so.”
Early the next morning, Rachel was at our door with a fist full of ribbons tied to a bouquet of balloons and a big box of cupcakes. I hadn't even showered by the time she'd set the whole place up. I didn't have to lift a finger.
“Now we just have to wait for the food delivery and we're good to go!” She flashed her staple phony smile.
I gave her a strange look. “You doin’ okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, just getting things all set up for Holly.” She rearranged the napkins on the table even though everything was already perfectly set.
“I don’t believe you. What’s going on?”
She let out a big sigh. “David came by to apologize yesterday.”
“David? Apologize?”
“Yeah, he said he's been sober for two months and that he was sorry about how shitty he had been during our marriage.”
I blinked a few times. I knew he was making progress in his alcohol recovery but I didn’t know he had also joined Assholes Anonymous. “Wow, that's really mature of him.”
“Yeah, it’s part of his recovery. But I have to tell you, Marin. He looked good.” She seemed almost ashamed to say it.
“Oh yeah?”
She shot me a wide-eyed stare. “Yeah, like really good.”
“You know he’s really your ex-husband now, right?” I asked. Please don’t go down that road.
“I know, you’re right. I guess I just got a little nostalgic, seeing him like that.”
“Everything okay with you and Kyle?” I asked.
“It’s amazing,” she said. “I almost can’t believe how good it is.”
“Well, that sounds a lot better than a little nostalgia.” I smirked and reached down to stop Stella from chewing on my slippers.
“True. Oh! Did you hear Keiko’s good news?” she asked with a very genuine smile.
I whipped my head in her direction. “No, what good news?”
She took a moment and looked into my eyes. “The IVF worked. After six years, she’s finally pregnant. Due in July.”
My heart leapt, but this time it was purely for joy. Keiko’s prayers had finally been answered. She never gave up and I wouldn’t either. “That’s so great for her and her husband.” And I truly meant it.
Later, our house was full with a handful of Holly's friends, Telly and little Leo, Holly's mom, and my mom. Not to mention the guys; Noom, James, and Mr. Jensen, who were all invited but decided not to leave the kitchen after we played a game where we melted chocolate bars onto diapers and made everyone guess the brand.
It was just chocolate, but they were really grossed out.
Telly held Leo out for me. “Here’s Auntie Marin!” And I found myself with my arms full of baby. Leo had just turned two and he was growing off the charts. “Thanks,” she said. “My arms are so tired.”
“No problem, mama,” I said, not minding tired arms at all. “I haven’t talked to you much. What’s going on?”
“Oh, man. Ever since the Top 40 Under 40 article came out, business has been booming like a mother fucker.”
I covered Leo’s ears. “Shh! He’s learning words now.”
“Well, he’s going to learn there’s a difference between Leo-words and mommy-words,” she said in a baby voice, tickling his cheek.
“But that’s great.”
“Yep, just as I predicted, gay divorces are flooding in!” She sounded almost giddy.
I laughed, rolling my eyes and bouncing Leo on my hip. “How’re things at home?”
“I hate to admit this, especially to you, but it's a good thing I moved in with Will. I don't know how I’d handle this workload without him.”
I smirked. “Ah, I think what you mean to say is that you two make a good team.”
“No.” She scoffed. “What I'm saying is there's a reason most people get married before kids. It literally takes a village.”
I nodded and narrowed my eyes. “Hmm, have you two slept together yet?”
Telly gritted her teeth. “No, we haven’t.”
“Really? I'm a little surprised. And disappointed,” I said, that last part under my breath.
She shifted her glance left then right and leaned in. “Full disclosure? I thought I’d go running to him in a weak moment, but I haven't. This arrangement of ours has worked out perfectly.”
“Seeing any new guys then?” I asked.
She gave me a sour look. “No, I just increased my budget for batteries.”
I laughed and turned my attention back to Holly. She sat in the chair, blue and green balloons floating overhead. She unwrapped each gift so carefully that most of the wrapping paper was still in tact. A few times, I was tempted to jump in and rip the paper for her. But she seemed to be enjoying herself quite a lot. I did too. Every time I felt myself feeling sad about not also being pregnant, I just looked over at my little Stella, shredding the politely torn wrapping paper with her teeth. I picked her up and sat her on my lap while Holly opened the rest of her gifts.
Corrine, Holly’s friend from work and the one who’s sister had success with You CAN Get Pregnant, sat beside me. Stella walked off my lap and snuggled next to her leg.
“Oh, my God. She's so cute!” Corrine said.
I grinned. “Thanks.”
Corrine tickled behind her ear. “I wish I could have a puppy as cute as this one.” Then everyone's attention seemed to turn to Baby Stella lying on the sofa with heavy eyelids, all tuckered out from paper play and snacking on the fallen food. But she was my baby, and everyone seemed a little jealous that she wasn't theirs.
It came time for Holly to open my gift. She tore the white and yellow elephant wrapping paper and opened the large square box. She pulled out a soft, light-blue, eco-friendly bamboo blanket with the baby's name, Silas, embroidered in a light brown.
“Wait, is this . . .?” she asked, searching for the label.
“Yep,” I said.
“Oh, Marin. I love it so much! Thank you.” She got off her chair and came at me with a wide hug. I was the only person during the whole gift portion that she embraced with a thank you.
“Baby Silas is lucky to have an auntie like you,” she said.
I smiled, inhaling the peppermint oil that lingered on her skin. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
It’s A Miracle
James and I decided that since the year had not brought us a baby, we were going to paint the town red for New Year’s Eve. And why not? We were the Youngs, after all, and we still felt youngish.
I slipped on a fitted, long-sleeved black dress, black tights, and a sexy pair of red heels, which matched the lin
gerie I wore underneath. We began the night at one of our favorite restaurants in the city. It was an art deco-style piano bar decorated in gold with lit candles anchored to the walls. We spent the meal staring into each other’s eyes and playing footsie under the table. After a couple of glasses of champagne, we met Telly out dancing at a snazzy nightclub. We were only there for about ten minutes when James came back from the bar with a troubled look on his face.
My stomach tightened. “What?”
“Noom just called!” he shouted over the music. “Holly's in labor.”
“Right now?”
He nodded. “Yeah, right now.”
She wasn't due for another two weeks, but if she was in labor now, I needed to go now.
“Can you get the car?” I asked. He nodded and disappeared into the crowd. I found Telly dancing with a really good-looking guy who must’ve been in his twenties.
“Telly!” I pulled her toward me. “Excuse us,” I said to the kid.
“What's the matter?” she asked, fanning her face.
“It's Holly. She's in labor and Rachel’s in New York. I have to go.”
Telly’s jaw dropped. “Oh, my God. She's in labor now?”
“Yes, now!”
“Do you want me to come with you?” she asked.
I glanced at Telly’s cougar prey. “No, stay here with your boy toy.”
She loosened her body, seeming relieved. “Good, I have no desire to be part of a baby birth again!”
“I'll call you,” I said and kissed her cheek.
“Happy New Year!” she called after me.
After waiting an eternity for my coat from the coat check, I ran out of the club. James had just pulled the car up to the curb and I lunged for the door. “Step on it!” I said.
We arrived at Holly's place in twenty minutes flat. Yep, she opted for a natural home birth, which was almost as crazy as the fact that she had gotten pregnant naturally. When I pushed through the front door she was walking around her living room, Noom and the Doula nearby.
“Marin, you're here!” she said. I rushed over and took her hand. “I didn't expect to see you until after midnight.”
“No way! I want to be here when little Silas comes.”
She hugged me. “I'm so glad you're here. This is tougher than I thought.”
I smiled. “Shouldn't you be lying in a bed and pushing or something?”
She laughed, holding her lower back in her hands. “I don’t think so. It's going to be a while. So you might as well slip off those red shoes and get comfortable.”
“Damn, I wish I would’ve packed my slippers,” I said, snapping my fingers.
It was weird. Holly, Noom, James, the Doula, and I all hung out like it was a normal Saturday night. We had music playing in the background, burning incense filling the room, the only difference was that every ten minutes, Holly would moan in pain. But she wanted to continue to “be normal.” It was well past midnight and Baby Silas still hadn’t arrived. I'd never seen Holly so impatient in all my life. We were beginning to think he’d changed his mind.
I told James to head home to take care of the dogs and get some sleep. “I’ll be home after the baby comes,” I said.
James must’ve been the hindrance because as soon as he walked out the door it was showtime. Holly lay back on the bed, propped up with a few pillows. Noom held her hand on one side and I held her hand on the other. Surprisingly, her labor grip put Telly's to shame. That was what happened when you opted out of an epidural. And in that moment, I vowed that if I ever had the privilege of giving birth, I would definitely have an epidural.
“Okay, mama, last push,” the Doula instructed.
Holly let out her final labor grunt and gripped my hand so tightly that I knew it would be bruised in the morning. Cries from Baby Silas filled the room. And boy, did he have healthy lungs. I patted Holly's forehead with a damp cloth then wiped a tear from my cheek. “You did it, Holly. You really did it.”
Noom appeared on Holly’s other side, carrying his newborn son. He laid a gooey, but precious, Baby Silas on Holly's chest. A full head of dark hair and a nose just like Holly’s. His cries turned into a quiet coo as he took his mother’s finger in his tiny hand. Holly was never supposed to be a mother, but there we all were, looking at the little miracle.
I didn't leave Holly and Noom’s until just after five in the morning, when Mommy and baby were asleep. It was officially New Year’s Day. I had become an aunt once again and somehow had survived the most excruciating year of my life. And I'd had a lot of excruciating years. I tiptoed into the house hoping not to wake anyone, but Stella came tramping down the stairs. I picked her up and kissed her all over her face. She sniffed my coat and licked my chin. I slipped off my red heels and walked up to our room. James was snoozin’ like a puppy himself. I kissed his cheek and he startled awake.
“Hey, did she have the baby?” he asked in a groggy voice.
“Yes,” I whispered. “He's a real cutie. Mommy and baby are doing good. Go back to sleep. I'll be in bed in a minute.”
His breathing increased to a passed-out pace before I could shut the door to our bathroom. I ran cold water and splashed it on my face. As I brushed my teeth, I scrolled through social media posts. Most of my friends had rung in the New Year in style. Rachel and Kyle looked especially cute in their puffy overcoats in Times Square. I was sure she couldn’t wait to get back to meet her new nephew. The following post was an advertisement for one of those advanced pregnancy tests. A brand I was very familiar with.
“Huh?” I said, my toothbrush sagging at the edge of my mouth. I pulled up my calendar making sure I hadn’t missed something. But I had. My period was over a week late. I had been so preoccupied with work and the holidays that I hadn’t even noticed. It was the first time I hadn’t noticed in two years. I rinsed my mouth and looked at myself in the mirror. No. I couldn’t have been pregnant, could I? It wasn’t entirely uncommon for me to have a late period.
I chewed my lower lip and looked into my own hazel eyes. I had finally gotten to a good place. My baby fever was in remission. I hadn’t seen a negative pregnancy test since the IVF cycle almost four months ago. Was I sober enough to handle another one? Did I even still have one? I opened the cabinet and found two boxes of tests in the back corner. My heart raced and I held my breath as I opened one of the boxes.
No, I couldn’t. James and I hadn’t even been trying. What was the point of putting a damper on the night? I closed the box and knelt down to the open cabinet. I was just about to set it down in the far back corner where I found it when the curiosity became greater than my fear. Maybe. Just maybe there was a slim, slim, slim chance. After all, it was a night for miracles.
My heart pounded hard against my chest. And unbelievably, the entire three minutes I waited for the results were free of that wretched ticking sound.
Ding!
I jumped to my feet and glanced on to the counter. There were two lines. Two whole lines. Was I reading it correctly? I grabbed the test and compared it to the picture on the box. Two lines meant . . .
I put my hand on my belly, exhaling a long breath. I looked up at myself in the mirror, seeing the truth in my own eyes, and smiled at my reflection. It truly was a night for miracles. “I’m pregnant.”
Tears fell down my cheeks as I stared at those two wonderful lines. “I’m really pregnant.” I covered my mouth with my hand, then reached down to my belly again.
“James!” I yelled, pushing the door open.
He sat up in bed, squinting in the light pouring out of the bathroom. “What happened? Is everything okay?”
I jumped on the bed, feeling as though I could fly, and landed on my knees next to him. “Yes, everything’s great. Look!”
James flipped on his light, blinking at the plastic test I held up close to his face. He took it, seeming to read it carefully like a fortune cookie message. “Does this mean . . .?” His head spun my way, hope filling his gaze.
I nodded, gri
nning with fresh tears puddled in my eyes. “Yes! We’re pregnant. We’re finally pregnant.”
“Oh, my God.” He pulled me into him and held on tight. “We’re having a baby,” he whispered in my ear like he still couldn’t believe it.
“We’re having a baby,” I said with a joyful laugh.
James loosened his grip and planted a sweet kiss on my lips. “I love you.”
I smiled. “I love you.”
He crawled back and lowered down, planting a few kisses on my stomach. “I love you too, baby.”
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I’ll never forget when I heard author Michael Palmer speak at a conference. He said, “Writing is hard. Be fearless.” Sometimes finishing a book in the midst of life is difficult, but I’m so glad to finally share the next chapter of Marin Johns’ life with the world.
Thank you to my amazing friends and family who have supported me along this journey. I’m especially grateful for my dearest SGI family, particularly my beautiful friends in the Young Women’s Division. You give me strength and inspire me everyday.
Thanks to my husband, Joe, for always supporting my dreams as an author. And Heather—you’re one of my favorite people on the planet. Because seriously, I have no idea what my life would be like with you. Chelsea! Thank you so much for your unwavering support and wisdom in life and with this story.
Michiko, my angel, this book is for you. Thank you so much for sharing your story and friendship with me and for always encouraging me with your Never Give Up spirit. A special thank you to Dr. Tarita for lending your knowledge and insight. And Kristina, my editor, for all you did with this story and all you do for Elephantine.
