“Of course Kenny’s okay,” Eli said confidently. “He’s a tough guy.”
That made her brother smile, a real smile, a smile she hadn’t seen since before the accident, and he beamed up at Mackenzie. “I’m a tough guy.”
“See.” Eli put his arm around Kenny’s shoulder as if the two were old friends. “He’s a tough guy.”
Eli walked them home that day and every day after that and no one ever messed with Kenny again. He didn’t just save her brother that day, he saved her. He was her rock. Her stability. Her hero.
Mackenzie felt the pressure of tears building behind her eyes but she managed to blink them back. She needed to get through this without revealing how much pain she was still in after all these years. She wasn’t sure how to start this talk, mainly because she wasn’t exactly sure what she wanted to say. Thinking clearly around Eli had always been a struggle but under these circumstances, it seemed near impossible.
“So…” Clearing her throat, she lifted her eyes to his and clasped her hands together, resting them on the ceramic tile tabletop. The awkward energy between them was so thick she wouldn’t be surprised if the entire café could feel it. “You’re a firefighter.”
He nodded with a smile so sweet and so personal it made her chest tighten painfully. “And you’re a filmmaker.”
Both Mackenzie and Eli had always known what they wanted to be when they “grew up.” By the time they were sixteen, they’d both had their entire lives planned out. She wanted to make movies, and he wanted to follow in his dad’s footsteps and fight fires. They had a ten-year plan that included what schools they’d attend and where they would live. It also included being married with two kids and a dog.
Taking a deep breath, she decided to skip right to the point. She needed to get this conversation over with, fast. Sitting and talking with Eli was just…too much. She didn’t know her goal for this conversation, but the one thing she needed to convey was that she hadn’t orchestrated this reunion.
“I didn’t know that you lived here,” she snapped in a much more defensive tone than she’d intended.
A flicker of something that resembled hurt flashed across Eli’s handsome features. His jaw tightened. His lips flattened. His eyes pinched at the corners. The raw emotions that she saw there caused the energy to shift. It was palpable. “I know.”
With two words Eli communicated much more than just a simple acknowledgment. It was clear that if she had been aware of him living here she wouldn’t have come here. Which might be true if the reason she was here was just about her. But it wasn’t. This was about Gabe and Theo and the film.
Mackenzie opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. There was so much more to say. But as she stared into Eli’s eyes, she was unable to summon a single word, much less string them together into a full sentence.
When she didn’t respond, he leaned back and placed his hands on his muscular thighs as if he were struggling to keep them from reaching for her. “Kenzie, I want you to know—”
“Don’t,” she commanded roughly as she lifted her hand.
The very last thing she could handle right now was drudging up even more of the past. Ten years ago, five years ago, maybe even a year ago she would’ve wanted nothing more than to have him explain what happened. But not now.
Seeing him again opened up wounds that had never healed. She knew that hearing that he was too young, or that he was scared, or that he hadn’t been ready for commitment, or whatever excuse he had for abandoning her on the day that they were supposed to elope wasn’t something she could handle today.
Self-preservation took over and she spoke directly and calmly, her hands moving animatedly as she did. “The past is in the past, and it should stay there. I don’t want to talk about it. We’re not friends. We don’t owe each other any explanations. I’m here to work, and that’s where I need to put all of my focus and energy. I don’t have time or the desire to look back, only forward. I’m going to be here for a month, and I would like it if we do run into each other, if we can be civil, but that’s it—”
“Civil,” he interjected with sadness brimmed in his eyes. “Fine. If that’s what you want.”
If that’s what I want?!
No. Being “civil” is not what she wanted. What she wanted was to be Eli’s wife. To be spending their lives together as they’d planned. But instead, he’d betrayed her, abandoned her, and almost destroyed her. She could feel the anger rising, and she decided that it was best to get out of there before she said or did something that she couldn’t take back.
“Great. Glad that’s settled.” She grabbed her cup and stood. “Thanks for the coffee.” Turning on her heel she took the most direct line to the door.
He let her go. He didn’t try to stop her.
She was in such a rush that her elbow and arm had accidentally brushed against a woman that was standing in line.
“Sorry,” she apologized as she glanced up.
Dark eyes that she’d only seen on television and magazines stared back at her. She froze in place. It was Karina Black. She’d just bumped into Karina Black.
“No worries.” A friendly smile spread across the beautiful singer’s face.
Mackenzie’s chest caved in, and her stomach clenched as the first hiccup hit. She knew she was in trouble.
*
Eli fisted his hands as he let out a slow sigh, staring helplessly at Mackenzie as she rushed out of the coffee shop. He wanted to go after her. He wanted to set the record straight; he wanted to be a hell of a lot more than just civil with her. He wanted to tell her that even if she wanted to leave the past in the past, there were things that needed to be said.
But he didn’t. He stayed right where he was.
Mackenzie was married. That meant he had no right to want more than civility from her. Also, she didn’t want to talk about the past. If circumstances were different, he would’ve insisted on it. If he could tell her why he’d done what he’d done, then he’d give her no choice but to listen to him. Since he couldn’t, he’d kept his mouth shut and agreed to her terms.
He wasn’t sure what she’d wanted him to say, but his agreement hadn’t been it. Her nose had twitched the second the words “if that’s what you want,” left his mouth and he’d known that he’d upset her. Once her hands started moving so much it looked like she was speaking in sign language, he’d known she was really mad. As much as he wanted to explain himself and make it right, he knew he couldn’t do that either.
In frustration, he dropped his head. This next month was going to be a living hell. This town wasn’t big enough to avoid Kenzie, no matter how crowded it was, and he wasn’t sure how many more run-ins his heart could take. He briefly considered taking a leave since he had time on the books. But he dismissed that idea as quickly as it came. Not only was this one of the busiest times of the year, but additionally, the station was short staffed. He couldn’t let his crew down over a personal matter.
Looking up, he expected to see Kenzie walking out the door. Instead, he saw her standing slack jawed in front of Karina. When he noticed her chest rise and fall in a jerk, he sprung up out of his chair.
“Shit,” he mumbled under his breath as he stood and rushed across the room.
Eli stepped beside Mackenzie. “Hey Karina, this is my friend Mackenzie Sutton. Mackenzie this is—”
“Karina Black,” Kenzie finished in a whispered awe.
“Hi Mackenzie, it’s nice to meet you.” Karina smoothly said with the grace of someone who was used to meeting overwhelmed fans.
“Nice to…meet…you,” Kenzie managed to get out between hiccups that were coming fast and furious now.
Eli was impressed that she’d been able to speak at all.
Karina’s brows pulled together in concern. “Do you need some water, hon?”
Beside him, Kenzie shook her head no as her diaphragm continued to spasm.
Lifting his arm, he gently pinched her elbow. He’d learned that trick for stopp
He’d used the tactic several times on Kenzie. The first was when their seventh-grade class went on a field trip to the Railroad Museum. The local news station was there doing interviews, and when the news anchor put the microphone in front of Kenzie, she’d started hiccupping so much she hyperventilated. He’d pinched her elbow and just like now, within seconds the hiccups and her breathing slowed.
Eli kept pressure between his forefinger and thumb as he calmly said, “Mackenzie’s going to be working on a documentary with the Maguire’s cousin Gabe.”
“Oh yeah,” Karina’s face lit up. “Amy and Nikki told me about that. His story is amazing, so inspiring. I can’t wait to see it.”
“Me too,” Kenzie answered, then shook her head slightly in embarrassment.
He figured things were just going to go downhill from here and decided an exit strategy would be best.
“We better get going. Tell Ryan if he needs any help with his fastball to give me a call.” Eli played in a baseball league with Karina’s husband, Ryan. They were both pitchers for opposite teams and enjoyed a friendly rivalry.
“I will.” Karina’s lips turned up in a mischievous grin as she gave him a quick hug and turned to Kenzie and gave her a quick hug as well. “It was lovely meeting you. I’m sure I’ll see you around.”
Kenzie’s only reply was a squeak as her eyes grew so big that Eli was scared they were going to pop right out of her head.
He placed his hand on her lower back and navigated her out the door. As he did, he was trying not to let his body react to the contact, although that proved to be a futile mission. Being with her, like this, felt so natural. It felt so right to touch her. So perfect to have her beside him.
The second they stepped outside into the fresh mountain air, Kenzie gasped. Her right hand flew to her mouth, her words muffled beneath it. “Oh my God! That was Karina Black. I just met Karina Black?”
“Yes, you did,” Eli confirmed, just in case it wasn’t a rhetorical question.
“She hugged me.”
“People hug a lot here. You’ll get used to it.”
Her hiccups seemed to have subsided but now her breaths were coming in shorter pants, and she dropped her hand from her mouth as she struggled for air.
He didn’t want a repeat of her valedictorian speech when she passed out cold behind the podium, so he stepped in front of her, grasped her upper arms and calmly instructed, “Breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth.”
His thumb rubbed up and down her forearm in a slow, steady rhythm as she stared up into his eyes. She felt so small and her skin was soft as silk beneath his touch. He had to fight the overwhelming urge to lean down and press his lips to her forehead the way that he had when they were teenagers. He knew that if he didn’t do something to break her spell, he’d eventually cross a line he had no business crossing.
So instead of using comfort to ease her out of her breathless state, he used something he’d always found was equally effective. Redirection. “So…you named a rat after me?”
Her eyes crinkled at the corners as she grinned and her breathing slowed. Watching her lips turn up in a smile, even one at his expense, had every possessive and protective instinct in him roaring to life. He knew that it wasn’t his place to take care of Kenzie, not anymore, but it had always felt like second nature to him. More than that, it had felt like what he was put on this earth to do. His calling. His purpose. She’d always felt like his even though she never really was.
Her cheeks flushed as she proudly admitted, “Yep. I did. He reminded me of you.”
“I’m just glad you were thinking about me at all,” his throat was tight and it caused his voice to be quiet and raspy. The words were out before he had a chance to filter them. Eli knew that what she was saying wasn’t a compliment and flipping it around to be anything other than a joke wasn’t fair.
Her body stiffened at his confession, and he dropped his arms down to his sides.
Lifting her hand to her cheek, she tucked a lock of hair that had fallen around her face behind her ear as her gaze lowered to the ground. “Thank you for coming over. That could’ve been…embarrassing. Or more embarrassing, anyway.”
Eli crossed his arms so he wouldn’t reach out and touch her again. He wanted to tell her that she was adorable, it was on the tip of his tongue, but instead he told her, “One time I saw a grown woman get so excited she peed her pants when she saw Karina, you were fine.”
“Still…” She shook her head as a sad smile tilted her lips as she raised her gaze to meet his. “You didn’t have to do that. So, thank you.”
She was wrong. He did need to do that. He needed to do more than that but he couldn’t.
They stood in silence, and he could see that she had more to say, but something was holding her back. He wished that she would just say it, whatever it was. If she wanted to yell at him, perfect. If she wanted to tell him off, he could take it. He just wanted her to let him in on what she was thinking.
From the first day they’d met, she’d always let him in. He’d been her first friend when she’d moved to Sacramento. Even before they’d started their secret relationship in high school, she’d confided in him about her nightmares, her anger, her confusion about her mom leaving, her frustrations with her dad’s expectations, and her sadness about her brother’s accident. She’d shared it all with him. Now he had no idea what she was thinking or feeling.
“Okay, well…” She inhaled a shaky breath. “I better get back. Thanks, again.”
Eli watched as she walked back across the street to the gym and a cold, dark emptiness like he’d never felt enveloped him. He’d never been on this side of the walls Kenzie built to protect herself. It was a cold, lonely place to be.
Chapter 7
‡
“I can’t believe you met Karina Black and I wasn’t there,” Theo lamented for at least the tenth time today.
He hadn’t dropped the subject since she told him. The only reprieve she’d had was when they were filming. Thankfully, they’d gotten some great footage today. They’d shot Gabe arriving at the gym, his first training with Lucky, and a few one-on-ones with Lucky and some of the other fighters. She’d thought she wouldn’t have been able to concentrate on work today after seeing Eli and Karina Black, but it had been surprisingly easy and a very nice distraction.
“I can’t believe I missed you freaking out.” He was like a broken record.
“It wasn’t that bad,” she assured him as they drove down Main Street, which was somehow cuter and more charming at night. Stringed lights lined the street, and twinkle lights were hung in the trees, giving the downtown area a magical feeling.
Theo tapped his thumb on the steering wheel. “And Eli just knew what to do, huh?”
“Mmmhmm.” Her body tensed the way it did every time Theo tried to pry open the closet that she kept her one and only skeleton in. His interest in Eli was understandable considering she’d never talked about him, but that didn’t make it any less frustrating.
“And you’ve known him since you were a kid.”
“Mmmhmm.”
“What’s the deal with you two?”
“There’s no deal.”
“Then why did you look like you were going to throw up when you saw him?”
“I was tired. It was a long trip.”
“Okay, then why did he look like he wanted to rip my head off when I put my arm around you?”
“He didn’t.” She defended, although she honestly had no idea if he had.
“Okay. You said Eli pinched your elbow. How did Eli know what to do when you started hiccupping?”
It was times like these that she was glad that nothing had happened between her and Theo. He liked to talk things to death. He liked to look at every angle, to dig beneath every layer. It made him great in the work that they did but exhausting as heck on a personal level.
“He just did.”
“How?”
Mackenzie knew it was a trick his dad had taught him, but she kept that to herself. “Maybe he Googled it.”
“Why have I never heard of him before?”
“You have. I told you about the Bishops and Deanna.”
“When you found out that I was a Long Beach Waves fan you said that Deanna’s dad was Doug Bishop and that you lived next door to her cousins and she would visit for the summer. When I asked you if you knew Evan Bishop because he was Doug’s nephew and also played for the Waves, you said that was your neighbor and he had three little brothers—”
“See,” she interrupted. “I told you.”
“You never told me that one of those little brothers was the namesake for your rat.” He pointed out as he turned the wheel onto a gravel road that led them behind JT’s Roadhouse to the B&B they were staying in.
“It’s not a big deal.” Rocks crunched beneath the tires as they drove up to a two- story cabin with smoke billowing from the fireplace. Even though it was summer, the nights got cold in the mountains, and Mackenzie couldn’t wait to get inside, take a long shower, and snuggle up under the covers. All she wanted right now was to be alone and decompress and process the events of today.
For years she’d wondered why she’d never been able to get over Eli. She’d tortured herself with failed attempts to believe that she’d built up what they’d shared into something that didn’t exist. She’d tried to brainwash herself into believing that she’d romanticized the way she felt about him. She’d done her best to convince herself that what they’d shared couldn’t have been real. But no matter how hard she tried, she’d never quite believed her own propaganda.
And now she knew why. Being around Eli again gave her clarity about the past that she’d tried to erase. Now she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what she’d felt was real. There’d been no romanticizing on her part, if anything she’d downplayed the attraction and connection that they shared. She hadn’t built him into something that he wasn’t. He was everything that she’d believed and remembered.
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