by B. N. Toler
“You’re fucking this up,” he says, bluntly. And for the next thirty minutes, John lays into me like no one has in my entire life. And when he finishes, we hug and he says, “Today is the first day of a new you.” Then he hugs me again.
“This seat taken?” someone asks from behind me. Looking over my shoulder, I find Edie standing to my left with an unsure smirk on her face.
“For you, my dear, always,” I slur slightly as I pat the stool beside me where I sit at the bar. Edie slides on the stool and orders a beer when the bartender asks her if she’d like anything to drink. “Did she send you?” I can’t help asking, and I pray she can’t hear the hope in my voice. I would rather Nikki come after me herself, but if she’s sent Edie, I’ll appreciate that just as much.
“No.” Edie shakes her head. “She was really upset.”
“I said some things . . .” I shake my head. “They were hurtful things, but they were all true.”
“What things?” she questions.
She stares at me, patiently waiting for my reply. “She doesn’t want this baby. She thinks it’s ruined her life. So I told her if she didn’t want it, I’ll take it.”
Edie sucks in a breath through her teeth. “It’s not that she doesn’t want it,” she argues. “Nikki offers the fiercest kind of love there is. I would know,” she confirms with a smirk. “I’ve been on the receiving end of it. I have no doubt she’ll be a wonderful mother. Problem is she thinks she’s not worthy enough of loving a kid; she thinks she’s unfit to be a good mom because she sees herself as damaged goods. And she’s terrified she’s going to ruin its life.”
I rub my face with both hands, trying to sober up so I can at least attempt to have a rational conversation with Edie about this. “I know she’s your best friend, but she’s—”
“Being difficult?” Edie interrupts.
I snort. “That’s putting it mildly.” I take a long swig of my beer, finishing it off, and when the bartender drops off Edie’s drink, I signal for another. “I haven’t slept with anyone else since we’ve been together,” I blurt out.
“I believe you. And I think deep down, she does too. It was just bad timing,” Edie replies before sipping from her pint glass.
“Bad timing?”
“We were packing things up in your room and she found a lifetime supply of condoms in your nightstand.” I cringe. That probably didn’t look good. “I had just talked her out of thinking the worst when you and your uncle walked in and we overheard your conversation.”
“Shit.” I laugh, not because it’s funny, but because of my stupid luck. I haven’t even opened that drawer since . . . well, since the last night I was with Karissa. The bartender slides me my beer and I take a few gulps before setting the glass down and hanging my head. “I’m at a loss here, Edie,” I admit.
“I know you are,” she agrees, causing me to turn my head and meet her gaze. She gives a sad smile. “Nikki is my best friend. I’ve known her a long time. But that doesn’t mean I have the key to unlocking her, ya know?”
“Damn. I was hoping you could hook a brother up,” I joke and she chuckles.
“But . . . I think I have some advice. You may not like it, but . . . it’s what I would do,” she offers. I let out a long breath, unsure if I want to hear whatever it is she’s going to say. “Show her you’re there for her.”
I narrow my eyes. “That’s what I’ve been trying to do,” I reply defensively, my voice heightening.
“Yes, but now, do it without being her boyfriend. Show her you care no matter what.”
“So basically, continue to do what I’m doing already but with no expectations.”
“Exactly. You guys have some pretty intense chemistry, Parker. But that can only take you guys so far. And I love her, but she has to work out some of her issues before she can be what you deserve.”
I groan and run a hand through my hair. “Thanks, but I don’t know how to be around her without . . . wanting her. I’ve been crazy about her since the day we met.”
“She’s crazy about you, too. I can tell.” She smirks happily. “But that doesn’t mean you should have to try and fix her . . . does that make sense?”
“If not me than whom?”
“I’m going to tell you because I know she won’t. We’ve all warned you, and even she’s warned you . . . She has trust issues. But I know she hasn’t explained why.”
“No,” I admit. “I guess she hasn’t. Not in detail anyway.”
“She’s had a hard life in some ways,” Edie begins. “I think it’s hard for people to understand. She wasn’t beaten or molested so some people would probably think: What did she endure that could possibly justify her being so messed up? She grew up wealthy. But abandonment is a beast all on its own. She grew up feeling unloved and unwanted. Feeling that way . . .” Edie shakes her head as if the thought hurts her, “it leaves scars just as badly as the others.” She sips her beer and continues. “She tried hard to be the best at everything, hoping she’d earn her father’s attention, but he rarely noticed . . . unless she was doing poorly in something. She’s never felt good enough, Parker.”
“Why does she care what he thinks?”
“That’s a good question. Maybe because he’s the only real family she has. Did you know she graduated from NYU with a bachelor’s degree in business with a minor in Spanish? She thought she would work with her father when she graduated.”
My eyebrows rise in shock. She wanted to work with him? How did I not know this about her?
Edie laughs at my expression. “I know. It doesn’t quite suit her, does it?”
“Not what I would have guessed,” I agree. If anyone had asked me to guess her career choice I would’ve said fashion, for sure.
“She studied her ass off, Parker. Tutors and everything. And when she finished with a 3.5 GPA, the day she graduated he told her she didn’t belong in the corporate world.”
I shake my head. “Why is he such a dick to her?”
“I don’t know,” she says, and I can hear the frustration in her voice. “I think she reminds him of her mother. That’s my guess. Her mother took off when she was really young. You know, she doesn’t even remember her mother. She doesn’t even have a photo of her.”
“Really?” I ask in disbelief.
Edie frowns and stares down at her beer. “She had one, once. But her father took it away.” I roll my eyes. Her dad is seriously an asshole.
“I’ve known she’s struggled with certain things for a long time. But her issues have never hindered her so much that I felt the need to intervene. Now she’s letting those issues screw up her life. So now, I am stepping in.”
“So you can help, but I can’t?” I snort.
“I’m going to help her figure out how to help herself. You’re going to prove that you love her and you’re willing to walk the line.”
“And what if she doesn’t change?” I query.
Edie pats me on the back. “Oh, she’s going to change,” she says, certainly. “I love her enough to give her that swift kick in the ass.” Then she holds her glass up, indicating a toast. As I clink my glass with hers, I wish I had her enthusiasm. But I can’t give up on Nikki. Not yet. I’m still willing to try. There’s still a little fight left in me after all.
Parker didn’t come back to the apartment last night. When Edie returned she said he had checked in to a hotel. I was at a loss for words. It was obvious he was avoiding me so I scheduled an immediate flight back home. Since we were supposed to drive his car back to North Carolina, I didn’t have a return flight scheduled. That last-minute ticket cost me a pretty penny but I had to get out of there.
When I get home, I discover Joey has finish painting and even cleared out all of the paint rollers, ladders, and buckets. The house looks amazing. I can’t stop admiring it.
As I’m walking to the living room from the back bedroom, my cheeks hurting I’m grinning so hard, I nearly pee myself when I round the corner and find Joey there.
“Shit,” I gasp as I clutch my stomach. “You scared me!”
“Sorry,” he chuckles. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“This is my house,” I point out.
“I know that, smart-ass,” he laughs. “You weren’t supposed to be back until Sunday.”
“Umm . . .” I begin to speak, unsure of how to explain what went down in New York. “Parker and I aren’t together anymore.”
Joey furrows his brows, a look that could be either disappointment or confusion seizing his features. “Damn,” he sighs as he removes his ball cap and runs a hand through his shaggy hair. “You okay?”
“Umm . . .” Again, I’m unsure of how to answer his question. “It’s my fault,” I finally admit. “I’ve had a bad . . . way of thinking for a while now, but I’m going to work on it.”
Joey nods once and takes three large strides toward me before pulling me in his arms and hugging me tightly. “I’m here for you, Nik.”
I refuse to cry, even though my eyes begin to tear up.
Fucking Joey.
“Thank you, Joey. That means a lot.” He lets me go and I immediately rub at my eyes as he backs away. “And thank you for all of this,” I say, as I motion my hand around the room. “I really appreciate all you’ve done for me.”
“That’s what friends are for,” he replies. “I gotta head back to the stables. You gonna be okay?”
“Yeah,” I reply with a smile, my voice husky with pent-up emotion.
He opens the door to leave but stops and turns. “Nik . . . he’s a good guy. I hope you know you deserve that.” With that, he steps out and shuts the door. I may not agree with him right now, but I’m going to work on it. I know Parker will come home eventually and we’ll fix this. He always forgives me when I’ve gone too far and he will this time too. And this time, I won’t mess up. This time, I won’t lose it again. I know he needs time. I’m a lot to take in. I want Parker Hayes to be mine. And I’m going to fix what I’ve damaged so badly. I’m going to fix myself. For me. For him.
For our child.
The next day, Joey and Dierk help move all of my furniture into the house and I begin unpacking the boxes containing dishes and other knick-knacks of mine. It’s around six in the evening and I’m in front of my closet—my very small closet—trying to figure out where the hell I’m going to hang my pageant dresses when I hear the front door open and close. I wait a moment, listening to see if whoever opened the door will identify themselves, but they don’t say anything. I quietly make my way down the hallway and stop in the doorway of the kitchen.
My heart hammers at the sight of him. He’s dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, his thick hair loose and disheveled. Even when he’s a mess, he looks amazing. “Hey,” he says, before swallowing hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he does.
My throat is tight. I want to apologize. I want to beg him to forgive me, but he starts talking again. “I see you got everything moved in, huh?”
Blinking a few times, I attempt to focus. “Um, yeah. Joey and Dierk helped today.” His lips flatten with my words, but he doesn’t say anything. “Did you just get in?”
He walks to the counter and leans his back against it, crossing his arms. Something about him feels off—distant. My stomach tightens with deep dread. “Been driving since midnight.”
I glance at the door in the living room, searching for his suitcases, but I don’t see any. “Where’s your stuff?” I ask.
“I’m going to stay at Edie and John’s for now. Until . . .” he shakes his head, “until I figure things out.” My heart drops to the pit of my stomach. That is not what I was expecting to hear.
My mouth is open as I stare at him; dumfounded. He’s not coming back to me.
I’ve ruined it.
I’ve ruined us.
Fuck.
“I know the other night . . .” he pauses as if he isn’t sure how to voice what he wants to say, and my heart beats faster, “I just hope we can work together, even if we’re not together.”
I stare at him blankly, wanting to say a million things, but I’m unable to produce words. Then he stands up straight and gives the room a once-over. “The place looks really good,” he notes. In this moment, I don’t care about the house.
“Um . . .” I cough, attempting to clear any evidence of emotion from my voice, “yeah, Joey is a lifesaver.”
When he cuts his gaze to me, his jaw tics and he tears his eyes away. I get the feeling he wants to say something, but he’s fighting it. Then he steps toward me and my heart lurches out of my stomach and jumps to my throat as hope blossoms inside of me. Please, please let him take me in his arms and tell me everything will be okay—that I haven’t fucked this up beyond repair. When he reaches me, he leans in and kisses my forehead.
As he pulls away, he says, “If you need anything, I’m not far, okay?” There went my heart back to the pit of my stomach. I want to cry.
He doesn’t look at me as I whisper, “Okay.”
Without another word, he walks out and shuts the door behind him, leaving me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, a mere two seconds from falling apart.
Leaving Nikki at the house last night was hard as fuck. I couldn’t tell if the stricken look on her face was because she was surprised to see me after our fight or if she was sad I wasn’t staying. Either way, it took everything in me not to pull her in my arms and kiss her.
Today I started my new job at Motley Law Firm. Luckily the first day has been pretty easy. I haven’t slept in days and the lack of rest is starting to catch up with me. All I’ve done is unpack, organize my office, fill out paperwork, and shake hands with a hundred people whose names I’ve already forgotten. This firm is way more laid-back than the place I worked at in New York. I showed up in a tailored suit and half the people here are wearing jeans. I’m at my desk, shoving some folders in a drawer when I hear a knock.
“So you’re the new guy?” A tall man with a friendly smile steps in my office.
“That’d be me,” I confirm as I stand.
I round my desk and we shake hands. “I’m Mike Anderson. It’s nice to meet you, Parker.”
“You too. Everyone here has been so friendly.”
“Yeah, everyone is pretty down-to-earth. I wanted to come by and introduce myself and tell you if you need anything, let me know.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”
There’s another knock at my door, and when I look up, an attractive brunette with naughty-teacher glasses says, “Mr. Hayes?”
“That’s me,” I reply. She walks in, her posture straight, her expression friendly, holding a folder, notepad, and pen in one hand. She’s wearing a white blouse that isn’t low-cut, but it’s fitting to her body, the outfit finishing with a black pencil skirt and heels.
“I’m Leanne. Your assistant.” She extends out a small hand to me and we shake. “I was late today because I had an appointment.”
“Nice to meet you,” I say, with a friendly smile. “But please, call me Parker.”
She smiles awkwardly, but nods once. Her gaze darts to Mike whose friendly demeanor seems to have shifted.
“I have to get back to work now. Nice to meet you, man.”
As he heads for the door, I counter, “You too, Mike. Thanks.”
Leanne glances behind her and doesn’t speak until she sees he’s gone. Then turning back to me with a bright smile, she asks, “How do you like Knightdale so far?”
“I grew up around here.”
“Oh,” she retorts softly. “Me too. Did you graduate from Knightdale High School?”
“Probably long before you did,” I chuckle and I motion for her to take a seat as I take my own.
She narrows her eyes and looks off to the side as she takes her seat. “Are you related to Maddie Hayes?”
My brows crease and I smirk. “Yeah. I claim her,” I chuckle. “She’s my little sister.”
Leanne grins. “She was a year or two ahead of me, but I remember her.”
/>
“Huh,” I say. “Small world.”
“Yeah,” she agrees, and her brown eyes lock with mine as she bites her lower lip. Shit. Does that look mean something?
Clearing my throat, I jerk my gaze from hers, not wanting to give her the wrong idea or lead her on. She’s incredibly attractive, there’s no denying it, but even if there weren’t the need to remain professional, she’s not my type. I only have one type now. Blonde hair, blue eyes, complicated-as-fuck. Nikki Reese. That’s my type. “So shall we work out a preliminary schedule?”
She opens the folder, taking out a few pieces of paper and sliding them to me across the desk. Then she opens her notepad and gets down to business and I sigh quietly in relief. Maybe I read that look wrong. “I thought we should go over your schedule. Would you like me to get some coffee for you before we start?”
“No, but thank you,” I reply, pulling the papers toward me and glancing them over.
The gears shift back into a professional level, allowing me to breathe a little easier.
I don’t leave the office until after seven, but I head straight home. Or, I guess it’s Nikki’s home. No matter where we stand or what is going on between us, I’m going to see Nikki every day. I need to see her every day. Since I have a key, I don’t bother knocking. I know I should, but until she tells me otherwise, I’m going to let myself right in.
As I’m shutting the door, I hear Nikki groan from one of the back rooms, “Damn, that feels so much better.” My ears perk as I freeze, waiting to hear more. “Uh,” she whimpers. “Don’t stop.” The blood drains from my face. Who the fuck is she talking to? I twist my neck from side to side and my heart thunders as I make my way to the back of the house, fury rolling through me. We fucking broke up three days ago and she’s already fucking another guy? And while she’s pregnant with my kid? Oh, fuck no.
When I reach the master bedroom, tear the door open ready to pulverize whoever I find in there with her, I’m met with Nikki’s blue gaze and Edie’s brown one, both whipping their sights toward me, and I freeze. Nikki is lying on her side, her leg in Edie’s lap.
