Finally the counselor said it was my turn to talk. I told her about my relationship with Derek and said that I wanted to be able to date him still. She made me feel so understood that I got brave and said I wanted to switch schools so that I could go to school with Derek.
Shockingly, the counselor was on my side! My parents were mad, but they had agreed to listen to her. She did bring up valid points of concern, such as maintaining my grades and respecting my curfew and my parents’ rules. No more sneaking around or sneaking Derek into my bedroom, but basically she said that I should be allowed to still date Derek and to go to school with him if I wanted.
Before we left the session, we agreed to some basic rules and a curfew, which meant that I would be able to leave my grandparent’s and come back home. Life was definitely getting better. I also got my phone back. I called Derek right away and told him the good news. He was happy and asked if I wanted to go out the coming weekend before school started.
My parents had given me a curfew of midnight, and I didn’t want them to get mad at me again, so when Derek picked me up that weekend I told him we had to make sure I got home in time. He totally understood. He didn’t want to rock the boat, either.
We drove out to a party at a friend’s house in the country. There was grass and stars for miles all around. We hung out in the house and drank, talking to all of our friends who were about to start college. Derek and his buddies did a couple of beer bongs, but then it was getting late and I wanted some alone time with Derek, so I said, “Let’s go outside.”
Derek told his buddies we were going outside so that no one would bother us. It was perfect! We claimed our sex life back on the hood of his car and I looked at him and all the millions of stars in the sky and I will never forget how perfect it felt.
Best of all, Derek dropped me off at home on time for curfew.
BACK TO SCHOOL
The next week we went back to school. The first few days were all about class schedules and getting school pictures taken. You have to wait in long lines for everything and there are so many students that the line for registration starts trailing outside the building.
I was excited to be starting at a new school, especially since I was going to be able to see Derek during the school day now. I didn’t anticipate, however, that us being at the same school would put me in some pretty awkward situations. But I found that out on the very first day back.
My parents were with me waiting in line to pay for registration and make sure I was enrolled in the right classes and sports. I looked up and saw Derek and his mother and stepfather ahead of us in line. My parents hadn’t noticed, so I slowed them down to keep us from running into them. I figured that after everything that had happened that summer it would be best to keep our families apart. After Derek’s mom pressed charges against my dad, my parents wanted nothing to do with his family.
I kept my parents’ attention focused on my registration forms, but I kept sneaking glances at Derek and his mother and stepfather. From what I could tell, it seemed like they were just going through the motions of registration. They looked bored and Derek seemed like he wanted to bail as soon as possible.
I did my best to keep my parents from noticing Derek and his family, but I couldn’t keep it up for long. Eventually, my mom and dad got really quiet, it seemed like everything went quiet, and I could tell they had seen Derek ahead of us in line. So there I was with my mom and dad, pretending that my boyfriend wasn’t in the same line—pretending that I didn’t even know him. It was ridiculous, but I didn’t want there to be a scene or an embarrassing situation in the auditorium, before I’d even had my first class.
Fortunately, by the time we were about halfway through the line, Derek was at the front and then I saw him leave. The tension broke and I was relieved. It was insane to not even be able to say “hi” to my boyfriend on our first day of school. But things had escalated out of control so quickly; I didn’t even know what normal was anymore.
Once the school year started and our parents weren’t around, things got better. Derek and I shared a locker and walked to classes together. We were the hottest couple in school and all of his exes were jealous.
I loved every moment of it.
Derek would pick me up for school at 7:00 AM on Mondays, even though our classes didn’t start until 9:30 AM. We would go to his house, because his mom was at work (at the time she was a manager at a truck stop) and Derek would cook me breakfast. Then we’d have sex in the kitchen, or the shower, or even his mom’s room.
We had no shame.
Or, sometimes, we would just hang out and play with his new puppy, Tutty. I loved every second, because it felt like how it would be if Derek and I lived together. We fantasized about getting our own place and living together and it felt like it was just a matter of time before that would happen.
After school, if I had to cheer at a game, we would go to his mom’s house to hang out first.
I would change into my uniform and be his personal cheerleader right there on the couch. His sisters didn’t seem to like how affectionate we were. They complained that we were too loud and wanted us to stay in his room more. Derek would make fun of them. I thought it was funny, and I didn’t mind their complaints as long as they didn’t make problems for us.
We spent hours in his room and after we had sex he would take pictures of us. He acted so crazy about me. He had our prom pictures in his room and my number written on his wall, as well as the numbers of my closest girlfriends—that way, if his mom got angry and took his phone, he could still get in touch with me.
Sometimes he would pick me up and put us against his mirror and say, “We look like models. We’re so hot together.”
I thought so, too.
Then his mom would come home and ruin our fun. Derek would hear her come in and we worried that we were going to get in trouble.
I felt like she didn’t like me and I couldn’t figure out why. I didn’t feel like she had ever tried to get to know me.
I just wanted to be with my boyfriend and forget about parents and rules, so sometimes Derek and I would skip school on half-days. A lot of my girlfriends did that, too, and honestly junior year of high school was so easy I was able skip school without ever falling behind.
NO PROMISES
Things were great between Derek and I in the fall, but high school relationships are roller coasters—and I do not like to ride roller coasters.
Around December, things started to go really wrong. It was that time before Christmas break when no one is getting much schoolwork done and everyone is just coasting into the holiday vacation. One day, Derek and I were walking hand-in-hand down the hallway and I started talking about this girl in my class who had just told me that one of Derek’s friends had given her a promise ring. I was shocked because they hadn’t been dating that long. I said, “We’ve been dating longer than most of these couples and you don’t see us with rings. I think it’s crazy.”
Derek smiled and said, “Yeah.”
I was waiting for him to follow up with, “…it’s way too soon to be thinking about those things.” But he just said, “Yeah,” and left it at that. It was like I was the only one who thought that having an engagement ring at fifteen or sixteen was crazy. We were all still so young. I cared about Derek and I wanted us to have that kind of future, but a voice in my head was yelling, Whoa, way to soon!
Of course, I thought it would be great if one day Derek gave me a promise ring or an engagement ring, maybe in a year or two, but I was proud that we were being serious about our relationship and taking our time. I talked about how I thought a promise ring was a big responsibility, but I was really trying to send him the message: Do not give me a ring yet. We’re not ready.
We already had too many issues that made me unsure of our future. First and foremost, if we were truly going to have a future together, I felt we needed our families to learn to be more supportive of our relationship. I wanted so badly for our parents to be happy about
us being together, so Derek and I could move forward, but it was starting to seem less and less likely that would ever happen. I could tell that their disapproval was taking a toll on him and I was starting to feel that if things didn’t change, then maybe it would be better for Derek if we broke up.
By then, Derek had stopped sharing with me how he felt about his relationship with his family. Maybe he just didn’t want to care anymore. But I felt it was getting to him in the worst way. It got to the point where Derek would break down in tears sometimes. I couldn’t handle seeing him like that. I wanted him to be able to work through his issues and break away from his struggles, but instead I watched him crumble.
When we were out together, Derek would have to park around the corner from his house so his mom wouldn’t see me. One day, I was waiting in his car and he came back crying, tears rolling down his face. I asked, “Derek why are you crying?” But I already knew the answer. I wanted to make a point, so I didn’t pause and said, “You need to speak up for yourself. Maybe you should start saving up money to get your own place. Or maybe you could go live with your dad.”
He turned away and said, “No, Farrah, you don’t get it.” He didn’t want to hear my solutions to his problems. I tried to help him see that he needed to be stronger, but he just shut me out. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to help him, but he didn’t want my advice. I felt guilty that it was because of me that he seemed to have even more problems than before, but what could I do if he wouldn’t let me help him?
Watching the person you love suffer and being shut out when you want so desperately to help takes a toll. It was at that moment, sitting next to him in his car that day, that I started to go numb. All of a sudden, I needed to put up a barrier between us.
I wanted better for Derek. I loved him no matter what and would always be there to help him and hear him out. So when he shut me out, I felt hurt. I started thinking, What am I really here for? I felt that if he couldn’t make the right choices to help himself then maybe I was the one who would have to make a choice. I needed to get away from his family and I hoped Derek would follow my lead.
The next day I called to see how he was doing and Derek told me that he had talked to his dad, and that his dad had invited him to come live with him in Missouri. Derek added, “He even said you could come live with us, too.”
Derek’s father lived three hours away in Missouri and they only saw each other every couple of months or so, but they were close. I hadn’t met him yet, but, judging by how happy Derek was when he talked about his dad, I felt their relationship must be good.
I was happy for Derek, but I wasn’t ready to move out of my house. I loved every inch of my bedroom, and, while things weren’t great with my parents—mainly because of me dating Derek—I was trying to get along with them better.
There was just no way I could move to Missouri with him, so I told Derek that it was great that his dad had offered him a place to live and that I thought it was the right thing to do, but that I couldn’t go with him.
I said we could still date long distance, but Derek didn’t want to go alone. I think he was scared of leaving his life behind. He said, “Forget it. I’m not going to move away from my friends.”
I realized I wasn’t ever going to get through to him.
OUR (FIRST) BREAK-UP
As the week went on, I kept distancing myself from Derek. I lost interest in hanging out with him after school, and when we had sex it seemed like we did it just to relieve our stress. I didn’t even want him walking me to class anymore. Then something happened that made it clear to me things were not going to get better.
There was this guy whom Derek had started hanging out with more, though at the time I didn’t realize it. He was part of our crowd and very popular, but he didn’t hang out with us as much as he did with this group of jocks. Still, I knew this guy because he and I were always in the same lunch group. We hung out a lot at lunch and gossiped. One day, on the way to class after lunch, he said to me, “You know, Derek was out last night hitting on some girl.”
He caught me off guard and I didn’t know what to say.
Then I saw Derek standing in front of our locker and the sight of him filled me with rage. How dare he hit on another girl, after I had been so devoted to him and had tried so hard to help him deal with his problems. By the time I reached our locker, I was fuming. I looked at Derek and snapped, “I think maybe we shouldn’t date anymore. You should probably go back to using your own locker and hitting on other girls.”
Derek looked stunned. “Why? Why do you want to break up?”
“Well, I just heard that you were hitting on some girl last night.”
Derek got so heated, I could tell he wasn’t really listening anymore. “Who told you that?” he demanded
I glared at him and told him my source. “Apparently you were out with him last night and he saw you hitting on some girl.”
Derek looked away. He said, “That’s fucked up that he would say that. I’m going to go talk to him right now,” and he immediately walked off to find his friend.
We didn’t talk again until later that night. Derek called me and insisted his buddy was lying. I asked why he would make up something like that.
He said, “You know, he probably just wants to hook up with you.”
I said, “Derek, he knows I’m not into him, so there’s no reason for him to tell me that unless it was true.”
His only response was, “I didn’t do it.”
He was quiet for a while and then he said, “I gotta go.”
I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t let it go. The next day, during lunch I asked his friend again, “So, did Derek really hit on some girl?”
He looked at me pityingly. “That’s what Derek is like, Farrah. Makes
no difference to me if you don’t want to believe me.”
When he said he didn’t care if I believed him or not, I could tell he meant it. He wasn’t trying to create drama or hit on me. He was just telling me what he saw, as a friend. That’s when I knew for sure that Derek was lying.
After lunch Derek came by the locker. I glared at him and said, “What are you doing here? We’re done!”
He didn’t respond, but the look on his face said, What can I do to fix this?
I spat, “If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t be hitting on other girls. So we’re done!”
“We’re done because I hit on one girl?”
Suddenly, everything I had been holding in came out. “No, Derek, it’s more than just that. It’s the lies, it’s how you treat me, and it’s what you do when I’m not around. So don’t come to my locker anymore. We’re done.”
And with that I walked away.
WITHOUT THIS RING…
I continued to walk away from Derek—in the hall, in class, and at our locker. But Derek refused to accept that we were broken up. He kept trying to check in with me between classes by meeting me at my locker, or sending me text messages asking what I was doing after school.
After two weeks of being on Bad Boyfriend Probation, he was really starting to get desperate to talk to me and get me back in his life. Two days before Christmas break, he started writing me letters, and then one morning, out of the blue, in between classes, he handed me a note and a small box. I looked down at the box in my hand—it was a ring box. I looked up at Derek and he was smiling. I didn’t know what to do. I spouted, “Uh, I need to hurry to class.”
With my mouth probably still hanging open and my eyes wide from shock, I stuffed the letter and ring box into my purse and rushed off to computer class, I was trying to act like nothing had happened, but this was a big deal to me. I wanted to feel happy, but this was not how I had envisioned being given a promise ring. I had pictured it as a romantic moment and that we would be madly in love (or at least getting along), not as some desperate, hurried exchange in front of my locker in a crowded school hallway, when were broken up.
Still, I was dying to read Derek’s note
and look at the ring. I told myself that if Derek at least wrote a sweet letter, then I could overlook the otherwise total lack of romance. Maybe I could just look at it as an interesting story to tell our friends, or even our kids one day.
I finally got a chance to look in my bag when my teacher stepped out of the classroom for a few minutes. I dug the letter out of my bag and read it. Derek wrote that he loved me and that he and his dad had picked out the ring together. I thought that was so adorable. When I finally cracked the ring case open to take a peek, I almost shouted out, “Oh my God, this is the ring I wanted!” but I managed to contain myself. Smiling from ear to ear, I pushed the letter and ring back into my bag. I was so happy, thinking everything was sweet and great with Derek again. But…
In the pit of my stomach was a feeling of unease that I couldn’t ignore. As class wound down, I started thinking of all our problems, of all Derek’s issues that made our relationship such a struggle. What if, even with this ring, all the negative drama continued? What if Derek kept lying to me? What if I couldn’t handle dealing with his family problems anymore?
By the time the bell rang and class was over, I was more confused than ever. At lunch I showed my friends the ring. They thought it was beautiful and couldn’t understand why I felt like I shouldn’t keep it. Of course, I wanted nothing more than to keep the ring, but there was no reason for me to have it if we weren’t together and, if I couldn’t trust Derek, how could we be together?
As much as I wanted the ring and as much as I wanted things with me and Derek to be perfect, I realized that I needed to slow down and think clearly before I got wrapped up in this promise ring and let it go to my head. After all, Derek’s problems hadn’t gone away, just because he had given me a ring. And the ring didn’t alter the fact that he had lied to me.
My Teenage Dream Ended Page 5
