I remembered a time when I was a sophomore in high school and a representative from the Minneapolis Art Institute came to give a talk in my computer class. I remembered the feeling I had when she spoke about going off to college. I found myself taking what she had to say much more seriously than I had expected. There was a whole world out there and I was hungry to be part of it.
So I did some research into places where I could get a bachelor’s degree in Culinary Management. I considered a bunch of different schools in different states, but in the end my first choice was the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale in Florida. I wanted a warm place. I was tired of the cold. Sophia and I needed sunshine and warmth in our lives, for a change.
THE SUNSHINE STATE
When I got the news that I had been accepted to the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale, I was elated. Finally, Sophia and I would have the chance to spread our wings and begin a new life together. We could leave behind the stress of teen motherhood, losing Derek, and battling with his family and mine. This would be our new beginning.
The only hitch was that I still had to break the news to my parents. I wasn’t sure how they would feel about Sophia and I moving so far away.
Surprisingly, when I first told them about my plans, they were happy for me, but then it sunk in that I was moving soon and I was taking Sophia with me. After that, it became a struggle with them.
They worried about me moving so far away with Sophia and argued that it would be too stressful being on my own, with no one to help watch
Sophia. They reminded me of all the issues I had had in the past with babysitters. My mom wanted me to leave Sophia with her, while I went to school. I resented that it felt like she was challenging my ability to make the right choice with Sophia and it became a source of tension in the lead up to my move.
As much as I tried to understand how hard it was going to be on her to be so far away from Sophia, I needed her to understand that I was the parent and the best place for Sophia to be was with me. I had them come with me to counseling so we could work through our issues and, in the end, we were able to work through the conflict without a lot of drama.
Of course, it bothered me that my parents didn’t seem to think I could handle the situation, but instead of letting it consume me I decided to use it as motivation to prove to them, and everyone else, that I could handle being on my own. I’d made mistakes in the past, but I had learned from them. I was strong enough now to take care of myself and my daughter.
Because of all resentment I was having towards my parents, at first, I couldn’t feel much sadness about moving. I just wanted to put every bad thing that had happened to me over the past couple of years behind me. I was ready to move forward and be on my own with Sophia. But as the day for me to leave got closer, I let my guard down and started to feel sad.
I realized that my parents had gone through a lot over the past couple of years, just like I had, and when they complained or gave me a hard time it was their way of dealing with it all. I knew they really loved me and Sophia so I was sad that they wouldn’t be right across the street from us anymore and wouldn’t be there to watch Sophia when I went to school anymore. We agreed that, no matter what, if I felt overwhelmed when we moved, Sophia could stay with them while I got settled.
MOVING DAY
My dad helped me pack up all my things from my mom’s house, while my mom watched Sophia. With a lot of heavy lifting and long sweaty hours, we moved everything out in one day.
I was really grateful for their all their help. Yes, it’s still hard for me being around my parents at times, but our relationship is improving from when I was a teenager who had no clue what the world really was like, and they were an unhappily married couple who allowed stress to get the better of them. Now, instead of fighting and lashing out at each other, we are learning that when we disagree we can have a real conversation and work through our problems as adults.
Moving to Florida was crazy time, and I was glad my parents were there for me. I had to fly to Los Angeles to do a Public Service Announcement with the other Teen Moms as part of our work with MTV to help prevent teen pregnancy, so Sophia stayed with my mom for a week and my dad got stuck driving my car and a trailer full of my stuff to Florida all by himself. He made it all the way from Iowa to Florida in two days. By the time we met up in Ft. Lauderdale, I was exhausted from working and taking the red eye and my dad was half-deranged from driving for forty-eight hours straight.
But, there was no rest for the weary. At the place I was moving into, they only allowed you to unpack during certain hours, so with both of us half-starved and sleep-deprived, we got our butts moving. For five straight hours we trudged through the rain, hauling all my stuff up in an elevator and down a long hallway to my new apartment.
I did lose my mind a little. I yelled at my dad and my dad yelled at me (being filmed during this process definitely added a little tension to the whole thing), but we are family and sometimes families yell. It was a tremendous bonding experience for us and it changed our relationship for the better.
After my dad and I showered, ate, and slept, our senses started coming back to us. We were able to look back at the previous day and laugh at how mean we were to each other and say, “Wow we accomplished so much,” and I was able to thank him for all of his help.
My dad stayed at my place while I went back to Iowa to collect Sophia and bring her back to Florida to our new home. It was such a happy and proud moment for me. After couple of months, my dad left and I finally I had my first real taste of what it was like to truly be on my own. It was such an amazing bonding experience for me and Sophia.
My last two weeks of my first quarter at my new school in Florida were very challenging and, to be honest, I was definitely a little overwhelmed. I was trying to date and make friends in this new place, and trying to find reliable childcare. Everything was kind of too much up in the air and I didn’t want to flunk my classes. I had also decided that after this quarter I wanted to switch schools.
I was excited about all of the changes, but Sophia and I needed a break. So, as much as I hated to be apart from her, my mom and I decided that Sophia should stay with her for a little while until I figured all of this out.
One important thing realized during this time on my own was that I am ready for more than what the average twenty-something guy has to offer. Maybe this has something to do with how fast I have evolved as a person. The things that are important to me are my education, my career, my family, and creating a safe environment in which Sophia can grow and learn. I realized I had been putting myself out in the dating world just to get hurt and waste time.
This was a big wake up call for me and it hit home hard when I found myself alone, truly alone, while Sophia was with my mom. So after a month, I called my mom to tell her I was coming to get Sophia. I had missed her so much, I cried when I saw her. I know now that the right place for her is with me; no one can give her the love and support that I can.
She knows I love her no matter what—no matter if she spills food all over the couch, poops on the floor, throws baby powder all over her room, and never wants to sleep in her own bed, she knows I will love her through all the tough times.
UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS
My first Christmas in Florida was amazing, but it had been years since I had been able to enjoy the holidays. Ever since I got pregnant, Christmas had been really a hard time for me. Three years ago, I was pregnant and by myself, wishing Derek was with me to receive the first of our baby gifts. Wishing he would change, fearing that he wouldn’t. Three days later, he died and that left me crying privately for a year.
The following Christmas, I was angry. To cope, I started going out and drinking and dating. It helped me pass the time and kept me numb. I showed up for Christmas and played Santa with Sophia, but I was still grieving and was only going through the motions for her sake.
The next year, I was completely paranoid—crazy brain. I wasn’t myself at all. I quit wearing makeup and
doing my hair. I stayed in my house for three days straight that Christmas. All I could think about was killing myself, and I was paralyzed by this fear that someone was going to break into my house. I felt like I was a horrible mom to Sophia and I was crying all the time because I missed Derek so much. It felt like it could only get worse. We did gifts at my parents’ house that Christmas, but for the most part I kept to myself because I didn’t want anyone seeing me as sad as I was.
The Christmas after I moved to Florida, for the first time, I was happy to go back home for the holidays, happy to be alive, and happy to be in the holiday spirit. The stress of school had lifted and moving away helped free me from the past. I was able to pursue some of the things that I had always wanted to do, and, best of all, I had so much more time to spend with Sophia. That was the Christmas I started singing again. I began enjoying everything that was in front of me…happy to finally be myself again.
FINALLY GETTING UP FROM ROCK BOTTOM
Since I’ve been in Florida I’ve made it a priority to be in contact with my parents and to stay on the best possible terms with them. We have been through so much together and they have made a real effort to change the things that drive me crazy, but mostly I have finally learned to accept them for who they are.
Growing up, my favorite memories are of when my mom and I would sit on the front porch at night and look at all the stars. I loved that. Summers where we lived were the best, we would be outside all day in the sun, gardening, biking, going on walks. I loved running as a kid, so every day I would go running at the track by my house. When I think back to all these times, I feel sad that it went by so quickly.
But what I also remember about my childhood was always having to go to my grandparents’ house, because my parents were constantly working and traveling. I loved my grandparents’ house, my grandma would be being canning and you could smell the tomatoes and peppers all day, but it wasn’t my home. I just wanted my parents to be around more.
I have a vivid memory from when I was three or four years old, I was outside in our backyard, crying as I was walking away from my parents around to the back door of our house. I don’t remember why I was crying, but I remember that I always felt like I wasn’t loved enough. They were always working, or out of town, or fighting. I remember always having to be patient, to wait my turn for their attention, but it seemed like it was never my turn.
I made a promise to myself back then, One day I will move away, I will be on my own and I won’t need anybody. So, growing up, that’s why I never really hung onto friends, because I felt like I’d be gone soon anyway. I didn’t want to care about anyone or have attachments that would hold me back. I just felt like there must be something more for me out there in the world.
When I met Derek, he was the one person whom I got caught up in and for whom I broke all my rules. I let my guard down because he made me feel loved in the way I needed. When I first met Derek, we shared the same dream. We talked about moving away and having our own place. I believed he would take care of me, love me for who I was, and be there for me when I needed him. Even when everything started going wrong with our relationship, it was hard for me to walk away because I couldn’t let go of the dream.
Now I realize that was why it was so hard for me to deal with getting pregnant. By that time, Derek had shown that he wasn’t ready to break away from his self-destructive habits or the toxic things in his life that were bringing him down. He acted like the love between us was nothing, talked badly about me and my family, and I had caught him in lie after lie.
The truth of how he had changed finally began to sink in on the day I called him to tell him I was pregnant and he didn’t pick up. Instead I went home and had to tell my mom. In the end, it was my family that was there to support me—not Derek. I still held on to my dream though, hoping that after I had the baby Derek would grow into the man I needed him to be.
When he died, that dream died with him.
The day Sophia was born was both the happiest and saddest of my life. She was so precious and beautiful, but I couldn’t look at her without seeing Derek. Her toes were his toes, the shape of her face, her ears, her hands—all Derek. When I got out of the hospital I realized that I had to stay home and finish college. I couldn’t move away yet. I was forced to let go of my teenage dream once and for all and I felt like I had let myself down. The grief began to catch up with me and I sank into depression.
When I finally began to pull myself out of depression, I realized how much I was setting myself back and letting myself down as a parent. There was still so much to live for, I just needed to find my independent self again.
I did get to move away, after all. I’m on my own now, making my own rules and learning the limitations of what I can handle on my own. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a race against time. There’s so much I want to do. I feel it at night, like a giant clock ticking inside my head. I can’t get to sleep sometimes because I feel like I have so much I want to do in life and I have no more time to make bad choices and get off track.
A NEW DREAM
I still miss Derek. I always will. This past year, on the third anniversary of his car accident, I sat down with Sophia and showed her pictures of her father. I pulled out a black photo album with our prom picture on the cover and sat down next to her on her bed.
I held the book open and began showing her all the photos I had been able to collect of Derek. It felt great to have this moment with her and I realized I had been waiting for this day from the moment she was born.
There is so much to tell her about her father and this is the only way she will ever get to know him. I showed her school photos from his freshmen year to his senior year, and talked about how he changed during those years. I showed her his childhood photos and I told her how much she looked like her daddy, how cute he was and how pretty she is. I told her why I loved her dad and how much I loved him.
As we looked through the photos, memories of our life together flashed through my mind; of our first prom and the night I lost my virginity to him, of the night I escaped from what would have been his senior prom and we went out dancing all night; how he would hold me against him as we stared at each other in his bedroom mirror.
I started this photo album after I received photos from Derek’s sister the day we met at the park, because I finally had enough pictures to fill a small album. I wish I had more photos to show Sophia, but I have to be content with the ones I have and with the memories of her father that I have to share with her.
It makes me so sad that Derek and Sophia never had a chance to meet, but I try to keep it positive and just share as much about him as I can with her. Now that she can talk, she tells me “I’m proud of you mommy” and “I love you mommy.” It makes me want to work harder. She helps me see that even though nothing worked out the way I had wanted it to, her happiness is what is most important.
I am finally able to put my past where it belongs—behind me. I’ve come to terms with the choices I’ve made. Of course, I have regrets. If I had known how things would turn out, there is so much I would have done differently. First and foremost, I would never have cut off communication with Derek two months before his car accident. I would have marched right up to him and told him straight to his face that I was pregnant with his child.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling alone and deserted, I wonder, What if Derek was still here? Would we have grown apart or would we have grown up together? I’ve learned so much from my experiences and I could have never have imagined I would be where I am today. I truly believe that I am doing the right thing by never settling for less than my teenage dream (even if that dream is now a little different from the one I had at sixteen).
For a while I thought that dream had died. I had so much on my plate (working, getting my degree, taking care of a newborn, repairing my relationship with my parents, and dealing with Derek’s death) that I couldn’t see that when Sophia was born the seed for a new dream had been planted.
I s
till dream of romance and happily ever after. I know that someday I will find that one person with whom I will feel content, whose eyes I can stare into for hours, the way I used to do with Derek. But I have learned now that there is more to it than just that. I need someone who knows right from wrong, someone who knows how to cherish a relationship, someone who will be a positive male role model for my daughter, who understands my past and is happy to be part of my future. I haven’t found that person yet, but the dream is what keeps me going.
As time has gone by and I have begun to heal, a new dream of making it in the world and being a role model for my daughter has taken shape. I guess we never stop dreaming. I’ve learned that although our dreams may die, if you open yourself up to life, new ones are born.
Table of Contents
Copyright © 2012 by Farrah Abraham
PROLOGUE
The Phone Call That Changed My Life
I Met Him at a Basketball Game
Best St. Patrick’s Day Ever!
Sealed With A Kiss
Sister Sister
Falling In
The Crotch Incident
After Prom
Not Like A Virgin
Happy Birthday To Me
Flirting For Revenge
I Roll The Dice
The Lying Starts
The Green-Eyed Monster Rears It’s Ugly Head
Close Call
Luv U Babe
Caught In The Act
Lock-Down at Grandma and Grandpa’s
Free At Last!
Back to School
No Promises
Our (First) Break-Up
Without This Ring…
My Teenage Dream Ended Page 16
