by Leanne Davis
Nate pushed her bangs back, which were almost as long as the ends of her hair. “What now?”
Ally shrugged. Her lips kept trembling, her eyes were swollen and red-rimmed, and her face was pale and haggard. “I could use some sleep before tonight. Do you mind? Plus, I have some more studying to do. Can we just plan on seeing each other tomorrow?”
Her urgency was unmasked and she really wanted him to leave. His shoulders dropped as he glanced toward the partially opened door of the bathroom. It seemed to beckon her like a buried treasure calls to a pirate.
Sure, she wanted him to leave. Not because she needed to rest but so she could binge on a staggering amount of food and then… dispel it. Nate’s stomach twisted in repulsion at the thought of what she planned to do in there. Nate hated it. He had never despised someone else’s behavior as much as he did Ally’s just now. Even a drug or alcohol problem was something he could understand easier. They were mood altering. They worked like medication, even if the long term effects of addiction and dangerous behavior accompanied them. That thing Ally did? Nate couldn’t fathom ever wanting to spend the afternoon doing that. Whether an addiction, or a compulsion, and not even her fault, it was still a hard thing for Nate to wrap his mind around.
Especially in Ally McKinley.
Nate couldn’t imagine her spending the afternoon hanging over the toilet. It was far beyond what his brain could envision. It was not only disgusting, but wrong and plain gross. It made him shudder in total repulsion.
Nate didn’t know what to do with her secret. And the timing. Why did he have to discover it now? This weekend? Especially after she just found out her beloved little sister was date raped two years ago and the rapist’s brother had somehow become her boyfriend? Talk about stress with a huge dose of the unusual. And now she was asking him to leave her so she could do it again?
He was tempted to stay if only to keep her from doing it by his simple presence. But her eyes widened, growing frantic as she kept glancing at the door, demanding that he leave without any words. Nate wasn’t sure what might happen if she knew that he knew.
Nate felt hesitant, to be honest. That wasn’t something he ever planned on. It was out of his realm of understanding or even the desire to understand. But he could think of no answer right there, right then. With a long, heavy sigh, he kissed the top of her head. “Okay, Ally. I’ll let you rest today. If you need anything…” His voice trailed off. She was nearly broadcasting her eagerness, her need, for him to leave. Nate listened patiently, and calmed her, soothing her initial fears and dismay about Kylie. Now? She’d go to what she really did to deal with everything in her life.
Nate waited outside her place for just over ten minutes. Suddenly, out came Ally, her purse in hand, and she climbed into her mom’s car and took off. Nate’s heart sunk. She lied, of course, about napping. It shouldn’t have hurt since he knew it. But it did. A sense of confused sadness gripped him. Could he handle it? Could he face this odd behavior with Ally? And if so, how? But then again, what was the alternative? He had no choice but to face this. He was dating a girl who threw up her food. There was no not dealing with this in some manner or another. He either broke up with her, which wasn’t even a possibility to him at this point, or he dealt with her. The question was how? How could he begin to deal with something like this?
Chapter Ten
ALLY STARED, FEELING ALMOST surprised at the quantity of wrappers that surrounded her. It was a lot. More than she remembered buying even. That was to be expected, perhaps. She tended to eat more when she was under unusual stress than normal. And discovering the sister she’d been ignoring and punishing with her silence, was in fact, reaching out to her because she suddenly realized she was dating her rapist’s brother… Well, yes, stress couldn’t begin to describe it.
Insanity might have been a better word for it.
She shook off the morose thought and pulled her legs up to her chest. Feeling sudden fatigue in her limbs, even her hands seemed too heavy to lift up and clasp onto her shins. She was so tired. Of that. Especially the sense of shame and betrayal that infiltrated her thoughts. She felt ashamed for locking herself in the bathroom on a typical afternoon and doing that; and betrayal toward herself for being unable to stop herself from doing it. And for lying to Nate about it.
It was the same pattern for Ally over and over again and she didn't change it up. She rarely altered how it happened or what it felt like. She knew of no one else who did it. Having never spoken to anyone else about it, she didn't know if she were extremely odd or what she was. The compulsion had grown far more demanding in the last few months, but her need to keep it a secret almost seemed stronger than the urge to do it.
Ally took comfort in her secret. No one knew what she did. Or even slightly suspected that she might have an eating disorder or any other undefined problem. Nope. She was merely a bit anal retentive in her pursuit of good grades and optimum school work. She could deflect that easily. The eating problem? Ally shuddered at the very thought of anyone knowing. There was no way she could deflect or explain it, much less, live with other people knowing about it.
No one could ever find out. She tightened her hand over a stray wrapper. Only over her dead body could anyone ever discover what she did. Slowly releasing her clenched fist, she reminded herself, once again, no one knew.
Ally managed to meet her sister at eight o’clock. She napped, showered, and wore a lot of makeup. Her face was pale and a little off-color as would be expected after the trauma of her sister’s revelation. Her jaw was slightly swollen from the afternoon’s… exertion. There were a few pinpricks of bumps scattered over her skin, which she tried to hide with cover-up, but she felt confident no one would notice her. None of this was about her.
Her sister was quiet when she ducked into the car. “Hey,” Ally greeted her.
“Hey,” Kylie answered, meeting her gaze before sharing a tight-lipped smile with her. It appeared as though tears were filling her eyes, but Kylie blinked them back.
“Did you nap?”
“Pretty much all I did until I dragged myself out of bed when I realized you were here.”
“Have you eaten anything today?” Ally asked automatically. After a night out, she always checked on Kylie to be sure she was attending to her basic needs, which she sometimes neglected. Ally couldn’t understand how anyone forgot or didn’t have time to eat. She dreamed, wished, and longed for that ability. She winced. “I’m sorry, bad habit. I think I have a lot of them when it comes to you.”
Kylie’s smile was fuller this time. “I let you, Ally. I encouraged it. I think I liked your fussing over me. Made me feel cared about. Made me more accountable. I’d just like to be better. You know? Like eating because it’s a normal thing to do and part of a scheduled day. Like sleeping and doing my homework. Or grooming. And yes, I ate a peanut butter sandwich and a banana.”
Ally finished a jar of peanut butter too today. But she kept the sarcastic thought to herself. The list of what Ally ate was a lot longer. “I’m so proud of you. For doing this. In case you didn’t gather that.”
“We’ll see how I do tonight. Against Tristan. Should we go?”
“Ky?”
“Yeah?”
“If I forget to say it again, I’m so sorry. For any pressure I put on you. And for anything I did to prevent you from telling us—me—Mom.”
Kylie reached over and squeezed Ally’s arm. “You didn’t do that to me. I did. But I love you for caring so much.”
“I do, Ky. I really do love you. And whatever you decide to do about all of this, from Tristan, to the rape, to going after Tommy or not, I swear to you, I will support you and the decision you make. I won’t try to make it for you. I can’t decide what we should do. And if I forget and push you ever again, please tell me and I’ll back off.”
Kylie let out a long breath. “Oh, Ally, this time? I wish you could make these decisions for me. I wish you could tell me exactly what to do. And as I told you before, if
this is about Dad—I mean, Micah—then understand we were kids. We didn’t handle anything wrong. We simply handled it. You tried to protect me. I wasn’t mad at you for doing that. I hated myself for not being able to reach out to you. You didn’t make it hard for me; I made it hard for myself. Do you understand? And that was his fault, not ours. And as for taking me tonight? Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Their shared smiled spoke volumes more about their feelings for one another than the words they shared.
Ally supervised Tristan while he erased the video surveillance. When he gave his cell phone to Kylie so she could erase the pictures on it, Ally discovered his password was Kylie’s birthdate. Ally studied Tristan’s face closely and didn’t miss the red blush that filled his cheeks. It wasn’t an act either; he was totally embarrassed when they learned what his password was. Who would use the birthdate of a girl they intended to hurt? It was so odd to imagine. But a girl they were in love with? Yeah, that would be a sweet urge. Ally was starting to really believe Tristan cared for her sister. She followed Tristan to his office so she could check his computer. He let her sit in his chair. Her nerves were shot and her hands shook. Meanwhile, Tristan sat in a chair in front of his desk, his shoulders slumped, and his gaze pinned to the floor. Ally was startled to find her sister’s name on a file in the computer. Tristan handed her a thumb drive and said Take it all, whatever you want. Erase the rest. He was so willing to give her access, Ally was almost convinced he’d fallen in love with her sister. Her sister who only seemed to benefit from his presence in her life.
“Why?” she finally asked him, dying to understand what Tristan was doing there today.
“Why what, Ally? Why did I do this to your sister? Ruin her life? What?”
The funny part was, Ally felt sure he hadn’t ruined anything for Kylie.
“Why did you let me in here? Why are you letting us have access?”
Tristan leaned forward and began explaining he hadn’t meant for any of this to happen. His direct response was to question her: who would she believe if someone accused Kylie of a crime? The stranger or her sister? Duh. Kind of like who would believe Ally’s problem?
Listening to Tristan, Ally knew he realized now what his brother did to her sister. It was as they were finishing talking that Kylie appeared in the doorway wanting to speak to Tristan alone. Ally was going to leave when there was screaming in the hallway and Tommy Tamasy appeared where Kylie had just stood.
Ally was as stunned as Kylie. Kylie ducked behind Tristan, who stood in front of her like an inflamed warrior from a different era. Tristan had all but drawn a sword to slay his brother and keep him away from Kylie. Ally believed it too. She knew in that moment Tristan loved Kylie, and he wouldn’t let either of them get hurt by anyone.
Especially the rapist standing before them.
****
Nate paced his room for over an hour. Then, he went to campus and shot hoops with some friends for several more hours. He tried to convince them to drink some alcohol so he could drown his confusion by self-medicating, but got no takers. They all had plans, homework or girlfriends. Despondently, he went to his dad’s. All day long, he couldn’t stop thinking about Ally’s pretty pink fingernails being stuffed down her throat to induce vomiting. Now? He wondered what was she eating. How much? Was she doing it locked in the bathroom, sitting on the floor? The indignity and the peculiarity of the activity made him shake his head, she just didn’t seem like his Ally. The girl he’d known, and longed for, and been exclusively attracted to for three years. And yet today, she deliberately locked herself in a bathroom to perform unnatural, revolting, not to mention, unhealthy, be it physical, mental and emotional, acts on herself.
He sighed, climbing the steps to his dad’s front door and knocked as he entered. He found the place quiet, stopping dead when he noticed Vickie. She was sitting huddled up in a chair with just the utility light on above the stove. A bottle of unopened, amber liquor sat before her on the ottoman. She was staring at it. Her eyes were big and hollow. She’d obviously been crying for a long while.
Kylie.
Nate stepped in softly. He was so sad and despondent all day over the health of a girl who was, for now anyway, okay, while her family and she tried to deal with the devastating news of another family member’s rape two years ago.
He lifted the bottle and set it up on the fireplace mantel before sitting down on the ottoman and facing Vickie.
“What are you doing?”
“Reminding myself it won’t help. That bottle won’t ease the hurt in here.” Vickie tapped her chest, near her heart. “And I’m also reminding myself I can handle things without it. Even hard things.
“You haven’t—”
“No. No. Just staring at it. We’re having a silent standoff.”
“Who’s winning?” he asked with a small smile.
“I am so far. I intend to finish winning too.”
“This about Kylie?”
Vickie’s face jerked up to his. “How do you know?”
“Ally. We were working on our project for school…” he lied glibly. No one else kept track of their project, which they turned in two weeks ago.
“She must be devastated. Not that she’d ever talk about it to me. But Gretchen called. Tracy is nearly inconsolable. We were together all afternoon. The three of us. It was nice… not because of the reason, duh! I mean, it’s nice to have sisters. I think I might have even helped. Drama was always my major, of course.” She smiled with self-deprecation, but her sadness was very real. “Kylie will need Ally now. Thank God for such wonderful sisters like Gretchen and Ally. Gretchen helped show me how to finally and for the long term stay sober. Ally’s strength and guidance does the same for Kylie. Gretchen has always been there for me.”
Yes, but how would Ally deal with it? Who would back up Ally? Nate’s heart squeezed. Shit. Ally wasn’t strong and capable, not when the girl regularly threw up most of her meals. Ally was the one needing hospitalization and treatment, not Kylie. Nate just didn’t know how to deal with what he knew now. His knee jiggled with edgy nerves as he thought about it.
“I’m sorry about what happened to Kylie. Tommy… he’s a fucking jerk. I don’t like him. He’s a phony little pissant who thinks he’s the man.”
“It just hurts me to imagine sweet, shy Kylie having to endure that. She is so fragile and small, just about anyone could crush her, or hurt her… What kind of animal…?” Vickie started to cry. Nate leaned forward and patted her shoulder gently.
“I don’t know.” Nate swiftly withdrew his hand when he realized he was crossing the line again, the one that Ally so adamantly insisted upon.
“I’ve not been through anything like that. Kylie used to sleep around a lot, she was more like me than the rest of the women in our family and embraced enjoying sex. But I’ve not been forced or drugged to have sex. It’s so abominable… I can’t stand the idea of her suffering through that.”
Hmmm. It was kind of like how he couldn’t stand knowing what Ally was doing to herself today, wasn’t it?
“Is my dad around?”
“He ran to the store to get some dinner. I didn’t feel like worrying about it tonight.” Vickie’s gaze settled on him. “Everything okay with you?”
“Compared to what happened with Kylie? Sure. Just the usual school stuff. I thought I’d run it by Dad.”
Vickie shrugged. “Well, Lord knows it wouldn’t do to run it by me.”
Nate rolled his eyes. Perhaps Ally was right. Vickie acting helpless and feigning stupidity were a crock of shit. She was just as intelligent as anyone else and razor sharp, so definitely not ever helpless. Why did she feel the need to rely so heavily on it? His dad loved her in spite of her sexy, helpless act. Yes, it was an act. And not a very good one. “You could, if it benefitted you. Then there would be nothing you couldn’t do or figure out.” He raised his eyebrows, waiting for her to argue.
She merely laughed out loud. “You do know me well, Nate.
”
“I only know what others might learn if you’d only let them.”
She waved her hand around. “Stay for dinner. Talk to your dad then.”
Nate stayed, but owing to how upset everyone was over Kylie, he held his tongue. He didn’t know if that did anyone any good. Especially the girl he loved, but he was suddenly scared to love her anymore.
****
The next few weeks strained their relationship, which Nate couldn’t deny. Nate found it hard to be around Ally, knowing what she did, while pretending he didn’t know. He wasn’t good at pretending. He was usually the first one out there with the truth and reality, or be done. That was his life’s motto previous to now. How to deal with a girl’s eating disorder? His favorite motto wouldn’t work for that. And without it, he didn’t know what the hell to do. How could he pretend he wasn’t aware of her spinning out of control compared to when he first started dating her? The sum total of three months. But her sister’s recent ordeals toppled Ally off her game. Whatever normal capabilities she had to deal with stress vanished. First, Micah; then the crack in the closest relationship Ally had known and counted on with her sister; and now, the revelation of her sister’s rape two years ago.
As Tristan and Kylie wove their way through the labyrinth of reporting the rape and Tommy to the disciplinary board, Ally was right there at every single step. However, she stayed in the background, respectfully letting them handle it alone. When Ally came home, however, she withdrew completely from Nate. She often blamed her fatigue or the need to study in order to get Nate to leave. He tried to stay as long and as often as he could, if only to prevent her from doing what she did in the bathroom. He still had a hard time accepting it even in his most peculiar fantasies. He found a bag of groceries stashed in her closet, hidden behind her empty suitcase. When she was out talking to her roommates, he glanced through it and the variety and number of items made him shake his head with repugnance. It was too much. An unfathomable amount for one person to eat in one sitting. How could she do that? What did she get from it? He might have understood the psychological analysis of it, but for the life of him, he could not understand why anyone would do it. No matter how hard he tried to and how badly he wanted to know, he just couldn’t comprehend the urge to purge. It was such a sickly, disruptive habit. It was physically and mentally revolting, yet this is why she made him leave so often.
