On the verge of an utter breakdown, I left the dorm and shuffled down the hall, looking like hell, I was sure. The closer I made it to the mess hall, the more my nerves twisted with bashing thoughts. Did she hate me? Did she forget about me? Did she ever want to see me again after I all-knowingly pushed her away?
It wasn’t me that day. She had to have known that.
With every step closer to the mess hall, my soul felt like it was one step ahead of me, leaving my body only wanting to be closer to hers. Adrenaline pumped, keeping my body up with my eager soul.
I paused just before the entryway and leaned my shoulder against the separating wall, keeping my eyes on the swirling marble below and drawing in a deep breath.
I turned the corner, counted to three, and looked up.
My eyes immediately went to her.
A full smile appeared on her face, and her beautiful brown eyes squinted as she waved whatever Jake said away with her hand. A million emotions filtered through me, and my hand fell over the wall to hold me steady from the chaotic rush. It all happened at once, everything I’d told her about—the air left my lungs, an ache pierced my heart, the pounding in my head, the lightning in my eyes. I screwed my eyes shut, thinking it would keep me from falling apart, but it was no use. When I opened them again, she found me from across the room and tears sprang in my eyes.
Her entire expression changed, no longer smiling and laughing like she was moments before, and it was because of me. Mia stumbled to her feet, and I pushed off the cement, wanting to run to her, but needed her alone.
She would follow me.
Turning, I walked in the opposite direction to the community bathroom where we first exchanged words almost a year ago. My hands shook as my body drained with each step until I was behind the door. My back fell against the tile near the door.
She would come.
Then the door opened, and my body reacted instantly. My arms wrapped around Mia’s waist, pulling her into me. Her smell whipped around my senses, the scent of coconut blended with jasmine in the spring rain.
Her face pressed against my chest as she held me tight, her small shoulders shook as she cried silently in my shirt. The last thread holding me together snapped and I broke down. My breath released in a staggered rush and tears outpoured as my cheek pressed against her head.
My nervous hand ran through her hair and held the back of her head, pinning her against me. Perfection. I kissed the top of her head, her forehead, her wet cheek. Her grip around me tightened, and my hands moved to the sides of her face, and I tilted her chin to see her eyes.
Golden-brown and beautiful.
“Mia … I’m…” I tried to get the words out, but my emotions strangled me. Her eyes shined like glass, and her chin trembled as tears freely spilled from the corners. She held on so tight, but we weren’t close enough.
We could never be close enough.
Our lips crashed, and my body instantly let off the wall, wanting to merge with her. With the familiarity of her scent and taste, my soul fed on her, satisfying its only deprivation—Mia. But just as quickly as she pulled me together, she pulled away from me, and her hand came across, striking my face.
My face didn’t feel it, but my heart sure did.
She stood before me, her eyes mixed with emotion and her bottom lip shaking.
“Seven months!” she cried out, “Do you have any idea what you’ve done to me?” My head shook, and I took a step forward, but she backed away from me, and that small distance she created cut deeper. “I let my guard down for you, I loved you with everything, and in the end, you…” her palms hit my chest, and I did nothing but take the beating, “I was on my knees, Ollie, then you pulled everything out from under me and for seven months I crawled through every fucking memory and every empty promise!”
Each word penetrated me, tore me open worse than her hands on me. Over the last seven months, I had been able to get by without her because I was already dead inside. Yet, I helped her destroy her walls for me only to leave her unarmed.
And the way I left stripped her of the belief I created for us.
I took another step forward, and she shoved me against my chest again.
“How dare you,” she choked, her voice defeated. Her brown eyes filled with hatred—hatred toward me. Strands of her hair glued to her wet cheek as tears continued to fall from her eyes. “I’m scared to close my eyes because every damn time, all I see is you, and when I open them, you’re not there! You were gone!”
I’d seen this side of her before, but it was during a time she fought against herself. She’d held the same terror in her eyes before when I’d taken her down in the shower room and I clutched onto her under the water.
In her eyes, I was the new enemy, but I refused to accept it.
She came at me again, but I snatched her wrist and pinned her against me, holding her close to my chest. “I’m here now,” my mouth hovered over hers as she trembled in my hold, “I’m right here.”
She fisted my shirt at my chest and yanked me down until our mouths collided. The rest of me turned to liquid as her soft wet lips stroked mine unapologetically, speaking her pain and unwavering love for me all at once. I inhaled a more stable breath through my nose upon her exhale, breathing her in.
Mia.
Poetry.
As if no time passed between us, our lips moved in sync while the rest of my body forgot about the sickness and caved to our needs. I spun Mia so her back was against the wall and mine fused to her where it belonged. Her lips parted for me, allowing me in and I took what I unknowingly craved for the last seven deadly months.
“I love you, Mia,” I grabbed her face and waited for her eyes to open to see this is real, “I’ll always love you.”
Lights sparked in her eyes like it did the first time we kissed, and though I never needed confirmation, it was all I needed to dive into her again.
Slowly, my tongue caressed hers, the taste of apple juice still embedded in her buds. Ignoring the tremors in my hands, I held her soaked face as she sucked my lip. Warm hands glorified my bare skin under my shirt, fighting to ease the bitter withdrawal.
For her, I fought to be strong, but I only grew dizzier from the sickening affliction. My head dropped to her shoulder, and the door to the room swung open.
“Jett?”
My head snapped up, and a red-headed security guard stared at the two of us from the doorway. Instantly, I lifted myself off her, and my gaze darted between Mia and the red-headed wanker.
Mia’s face was blotchy and wet—golden-brown eyes, battered.
Her breathing faltered from what just occurred between us.
The security guard’s eyes jerked between Mia’s condition and me, and suddenly, he launched at me. The cracking sound of my nose came from inside my ears as my head bounced back. My hands shot over my nose and eyes when another force sent my back into the sink. A weltering pain stabbed my lower back.
“Stop it!” Mia’s screams echoed in the bathroom. “Ethan, stop!”
Chapter Four
“The truth is, I’m not normal.
Is that too much for you to handle?”
—Oliver Masters
mia.
“OLLIE … OH MY GOD…” I cried, pulling Ollie to his feet and leaning him against the sink. His elbow rested over the edge, unable to hold himself up fully.
“Ollie?” Ethan asked surprised from behind me, but I ignored him as I frantically pulled paper towels from the dispenser and ran it under cold water. The tears hadn’t stopped flowing as I turned off the faucet and returned to Ollie’s side.
Moving Ollie’s hand away from his nose, I replaced it with the paper towels and tilted his head back, holding them in place to stop the bleeding as he grumbled incoherently.
He came back, and my mind couldn’t keep up with what my heart was doing
to me. Ollie closed his eyes with the cold towel pressed against him, still partially leaned over the sink.
“I can’t believe this shit,” Ethan growled and smacked the tiled wall with his palm.
The seven months of living in hell reached a boiling point and spilled out of me as I turned against the one person who had been on my side since Ollie left. Taking three harsh steps toward Ethan, I pushed him once in the shoulder. “Why did you do that?”
I’d gone my twenty years without ever laying a hand on anyone, and in ten minutes I’d physically hurt the two people who ever cared about me. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn’t stop myself at the same time. There was an abundant amount of emotions hitting me at once, and the moment Ethan walked in and hit Ollie, he became an easier target to release seven months of the pure hell I’d been living in.
My hand swung at him, but he rapidly lifted his arm as a shield and took a step back. “Coward!” I yelled, taking another step toward him.
Ollie’s arm snaked around my stomach and dragged me away. “Stop, Mia. We don’t have time. I don’t have time.” He pinned me to his torso with one hand and walked me backward until my back hit the sink. Ollie’s other hand pressed the blood-soaked towels to his nose as his hips leaned into me, caging me in. “Listen to me. I don’t know how much time I have. We can’t risk either one of us going to solitary.”
“He punched you for no reason!” I looked around Ollie to face Ethan. “You punched him!”
Ollie pulled me back in front of him. His hand cupped my face to re-direct my attention. “I deserved that, love.”
“How are you back?” Ethan asked with nervous hands moving from his belt, over his stubble, then behind the back of his head. His face paled. I’d never seen him so bothered.
“Please, I need a moment with her,” Ollie stressed, leaning over until his palm caught the edge of the sink. I studied his stance. Sweat pricked his temples, his eyes strung out, and he couldn’t sit up straight. Something was wrong.
“You’re on your own, Jett,” Ethan shook his head, “Just know, I’m not picking you up this time.” He pulled the handle to the bathroom open hard enough to send the door flying against the wall.
Ollie looked down at me, his green eyes blazing, and his muscles tensed to control whatever thoughts strained his mind. “I would ask what that was all about, but I’m not sure if I want to know,” Ollie muttered, and dropped his free arm over my back to pull me close.
My arms wrapped around his torso. There was a slight tremor in his hand as he rubbed up and down my back. “You need to see the nurse, Ollie,” I tilted my head up to see his face, “You don’t look so good.”
Ollie shook his head as a student entered the bathroom, then his head rolled back as another girl followed in behind. Both student’s eyes swept over us briefly as they passed by.
“Come on, let’s go to my room before the auto-lock sweep.” He grabbed my hand and led me out of the bathroom and down the corridor through a crowd walking to their nightly shower routine. He approached my old room, and before opening, he looked down at me with the paper towel held over his nose. “Out of all the rooms here, they put me in this one.”
“You got my room?”
He nodded, then pushed the door open.
Stumbling, Ollie fell back against the mattress and tilted his head up over the pillow with a low moan. He waved me over to lay next to him. “Please, I’m going to pass out any second.”
This whole disposition wasn’t like him. “Are you sick? What’s going on with you?”
“I’m just not in a good place right now,”—he turned to face me— “Please, come here. The last thing you owe me is your forgiveness, but your distance is killing me worse than how I’m feeling right now.”
No matter how angry I was with him, my body wasn’t. Like a reflex, my feet move forward, my knees hit the mattress, and in no time, I melded to his side. He pulled the paper towel away and threw it to the end of the bed before swiping his fingers under his nose to see if the bleeding had stopped. When he realized it had, he turned over and nuzzled his face into my neck.
Though my brain hadn’t quite caught up fully on everything that just happened within the last twenty minutes, I finally let go of a breath. I was finally home. Though this home was different, yet all the same like a fresh coat of paint. My heart didn’t know the difference, but my hands ran through his sweaty hair and over his trembling skin. His shirt was damp while his breathing was shaky. “Are you on your medication?” I hesitantly asked, afraid of the next words he would say.
“I wasn’t then I went back on them today. It’s the withdrawals until they hit my system. I can’t think straight. I’m sorry,” his fingers dug into my waist as his body quivered through the dark spell, “I’m so sorry, Mia. I’m a bloody mess right now…” each word muffled by his refusal to leave my neck, “I don’t know what to do anymore.”
For months, I thought about the moment of us re-uniting, but being the one comforting him never crossed my mind. His hot body shivered in my hold, while his breath, lips, and sweat all soaked my neck. I rocked him as a soft and hardly inaudible mantra of “I’m sorry’s” flowed from his lips until he fell asleep. It didn’t take long, and after he was out, my own mixed and confused tears freed from their private prison.
I cried because he was back, and those happy tears mixed with the sad ones—sad ones because he was riding an emotional rollercoaster, and I knew from experience what it was like, but this was one I couldn’t fix.
If what he said was correct, it meant it was only a matter of time before he’d turn right back into the unreachable asshole who left me in the hallway seven months ago.
Zeke stared at me from across the table during breakfast the following morning. He seemed to be in a good mood, and I wondered if he somehow picked up on Ollie’s energy and knew of his return. I didn’t dare tell him—not yet, anyway. If Ollie was back to only leave at the hands of oblivion, I preferred preserving Zeke’s hopes.
In a year, our table had grown from only the two of us, to now Zeke, myself, Bria, Jake, and Tyler. Ollie used to sit beside me, and I wondered if he’d find his way back to my table or his old one which was now occupied by Maddie, Jude, and Gwen.
“You’re quiet this morning,” Bria said, sitting one chair over from Zeke. “Up all night again?”
I shook my head. “Surprisingly, I slept all night. First time in months.” And it was odd. For seven months, without fault, I’d woken from terrors without remembering what they were ever about. But the night of Ollie’s return, I slept peacefully. There was no such thing as coincidences.
“Then what’s got your knickers in a twist?”
Ethan’s gaze caught my attention behind Bria by the doorway, and he glanced away. “Nothing, just one of those mornings.” They would all find out eventually, hopefully after I’d come to terms with it. Returning my attention back to my uneaten tray, I wondered what this all meant when Tyler slammed her fist over the table.
“Dibs!” she shouted.
Zeke flinched, and I snapped my head in her direction beside me. “Watch it, Ty. You’re going to freak him out.”
“I call dibs,” she said again, pointing in the direction toward Ethan.
Looking back over, Ollie stood before Ethan, shaking Ethan’s hand. My helpless smile stretched across my face. Ollie fixed his black tee down over his joggers and turned to head in our direction. When our eyes met, the recognizable bright green beamed, and his hair was back in its usual tidal wave.
“Oh … my … god,” she sighed in awe. “Who is that guy?”
“Ollie!” Bria squealed as she jumped out of her chair.
It didn’t take long before Ollie’s arms were around Bria, then Jake, and even Gwen as she rushed over. Ollie’s eyes never left mine as he swiftly got through everyone, and I couldn’t help but beam as he greeted his friends.
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“Zeke,” Ollie nodded his head over to him as he came up behind me. Familiar arms wrapped around my waist, and his head dropped into my neck. “My love.”
“Hold up,” Bria said, pointing at me. “You knew he was back?”
Ollie took the empty chair between me and the window. “Only got in yesterday.”
“So, you’re not available…” Tyler mumbled to no one.
“Good question, I’m not sure,” Ollie squeezed my thigh, “Mia, am I available?” Turning to face him, he flashed me a smug smile. “Is it you and I, or are we shagging other people?”
I narrowed my eyes, trying to process what he’d said. The three words that stuck were, “I’m not sure.” Even the suggestion of fucking other people should have stuck, but it didn’t. Since the day I’d met Ollie, he had always been certain. He’d never questioned what we had, and those three words were a reminder there was a morsel of the guy who left me crying on my knees in the hallway seven months ago still inside him.
“I’m not sure,” I said, matching his uncertainty with a shrug but pain cut through each word. The truth was, I was sure. I just wasn’t sure which guy was sitting in front of me. Was it the guy I fell in love with, or the guy who left me stranded? That day haunted me ever since, and it didn’t help the fact I had to walk down the same hall every damn day and relive the moment over and over again.
Ollie’s face twisted into a look I’d never seen before and raised his brows. “You’re going to embarrass me like that, yeah? In front of your friends?”
His facial expression and tone weren’t him, and I was sure my Ollie hadn’t returned. My Ollie never cared about what other people thought. His eyes, touch, and tone conflicted with one another, all contradicting. He didn’t hold the same low and carefully controlled tone. No. His voice had a hint of hostility, dripping with the reminder of him slowly slipping away before my very eyes once again. “And you didn’t?”
Even When I'm Gone (Stay With Me series Book 2) Page 5
