by S. Walden
“Why? It’s mine to give to whomever I want. And I think you’re being pretty damn selfish by not accepting it.”
“But you’ll own me!” Fuck, Cadence thought.
“You think that’s what this is about? Having an upper hand or holding something over your head?” Mark stared at her in disbelief. “Do you even understand the definition of a gift?”
“No.” Cadence folded her arms over her chest defensively. How could she? Everything given to her by her parents was conditional. Except her laptop.
Mark walked to the couch and squatted beside her.
“It’s given freely. No strings. No expectations. No payback.”
“Why?” she whispered.
“Because I love you. Madly. You’ve infiltrated my brain. Driven me crazy.” He watched her carefully. A tiny grin that played at her lips turned into a full-on smile. “You’ll have to commit me one day, you know.”
“I won’t. I’ll take care of you,” she said, reaching her hands out to him. She pulled his head into her lap and played with his hair.
“You’re accepting this gift from me,” he said.
She nodded.
“Cadence?”
“I’m nodding.”
“And I will never expect anything from you for it.” He paused. “Well, maybe one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Just love me. That’s all I want you to do,” he said.
“But I’m already doing that.”
“Then you’re ahead of the game,” he joked.
She lifted his face, made him look her in the eyes.
“Thank you.”
Cadence scanned the lobby for her freshmen orientation group. Dozens of students loitered about, chatting and laughing. They all seemed to have friends already. How? How did they make friends so quickly if they were new?
Her face fell. The panic set in instantly, and she considered turning on her heel and darting out of the building. Everything was foreign and huge and scary all of a sudden. She didn’t think she had the guts to go to college.
“You look a little freaked out,” someone said beside her.
Her face shot up and saw him grin at her. He pulled on the straps of his book bag to tighten them, then adjusted the baseball cap on his head.
“I am,” Cadence replied. No point in lying about it. She knew her face was drained of color.
“It’s no big deal,” the boy said. He waved his hand around. “See? Just a building. Those people over there? Just people. Whatever, right?”
Cadence cracked a smile. “I’m still scared.”
The boy took off his hat. “Okay. I never do this for anyone.” He looked at Cadence and then adjusted the strap on the back of his cap. He placed it on her head.
She looked at him confused.
“That hat right there is magic, okay? It’s my lucky cap. I’ve had it for ten years.”
“Oh, gross!” Cadence said playfully.
The boy laughed. “It’s been washed a couple of times in those ten years.”
Cadence shrugged.
“The point is that it’s lucky. Very lucky. And since you’re so freaked out about our orientation today, I’m gonna let you wear it. It’ll give you confidence.”
Cadence held up the cap and considered it. It was a dingy white with a faded, embroidered “A” on the front.
“How do I know you don’t have lice?”
“You don’t.”
“Sick,” she said, and scratched her head.
The boy laughed. “I don’t have lice.”
Cadence nodded and held out his baseball cap. “But don’t you want to be confident today?”
He grinned. “I thought I was already putting that out there.”
“Oh jeez. You’re one of those,” she muttered.
He chuckled. “No, seriously. At least give me some credit for talking to you first.” He looked at her expectantly.
She sported a full smile now. “But you’re just naturally sociable. I can tell.”
“Hmm. I guess you’re right,” he admitted.
“You’d talk to a wall. So it doesn’t count.”
“God, I hope not. That’s freakin’ weird,” he said, and she giggled. “Wanna hang out today?”
She thought for a moment, then placed the cap on her head. “Sure. I’m Cadence.”
“I’m Michael.” He lightly smacked the bill of the baseball cap, and she swatted his arm. He patted her head, and she rolled her eyes.
“You’re not gonna do that,” she demanded.
“I can’t help it. You’re so little. Lemme pat your head one more time.”
“Don’t be condescending!” she cried, jumping back to avoid his hand.
“Sorry, Cay.”
“Cay? My name is Cadence.”
Michael smirked. “Yeah . . . no. You’re Cay.”
“Only people close to me can call me Cay.”
He studied her face. “All right then, Cay.”
Cadence tensed. He flashed her a toothy smile, and she relaxed. She wanted to tell him she had a boyfriend, then thought that might be too presumptuous.
“You have a boyfriend?” Michael asked.
“Whoa.”
“Calm down. I don’t even know if I’m interested in you yet,” Michael replied. He watched her shuffle uneasily from foot to foot. “So?”
“Yes, I do,” she answered.
“That’s it. I want my hat back,” Michael said, reaching for his cap.
Cadence said nothing as he ripped it off her head. He paused and smiled at her again.
“I’m kidding!” He shoved it back on her head. “God, you’re too easy.”
“What do you mean?”
Michael shook his head—a patronizing gesture that irked her.
“Don’t—”
“Oh, just take it easy,” Michael interrupted in an equally patronizing tone. “See that chick over there?” He pointed to a brunette in a group of four girls.
Cadence nodded.
“She lives on my hall. And she’s gorgeous. And I’m totally into her.”
“Makes sense,” Cadence replied. “The gorgeous ones usually win out.” She adjusted the hat.
Michael looked at her thoughtfully. “Yeah. Which is why you’re already taken.”
Cadence blushed with flattery. And then she thought it was the most inappropriate conversation she could be having with someone of the opposite sex. She couldn’t hang out with Michael today. Or ever.
“Uh . . . maybe you oughta go over there and talk to her,” Cadence suggested. “I mean, maybe you oughta hang out with her today.”
Michael eyed her suspiciously. “You’re trying to get rid of me, aren’t you?”
“No! Not at all. It’s just—” She decided to tell the truth. “—the flirting.”
Michael burst out laughing. “I flirt with everyone.”
“Oh.”
He bent down, hands on his knees, and looked her in the face.
“I won’t flirt with you anymore if it makes you uncomfortable. I know you have a boyfriend. I respect that. But I still think you’re cute, and I’d like us to be friends.”
The side of Cadence’s mouth turned up.
“So you wanna be friends because you think I’m cute?”
“Hold up. That’s called a logical fallacy, my dear. You being cute is not the reason I wanna be friends. You were making a false deduction based on two seemingly related things I said that aren’t relatable at all, actually.”
“Oh, and he’s a nerd, too,” Cadence replied, smiling.
Michael laughed. “You got that right. And you’ll be nerding it up with me big time during study sessions.”
“We’re having study sessions together? When did we plan that?”
Michael sighed patiently. “That’s what you do when you’re friends with someone. You study with them.”
“Ohhh, I see.” Cadence giggled, then walked with Michael to a large group of students who were congreg
ated around an orientation leader. College had officially begun, she thought, and she didn’t know what to make of her first day.
“I’ll steal a kiss from you eventually,” Michael whispered in her ear.
She tensed, then shot him a warning glance.
“Don’t do that. Don’t ruin it.” She was dead serious, and he sensed it, so he stopped flirting. If he really didn’t care about knowing her at all, he would have continued teasing her. But he did want to know her. And he couldn’t explain it. So he decided to keep up the false pretense of liking the brunette. He’d never seen her before in his life. But he’d have Cadence believe it if it meant he could be her friend.
***
“I made a friend today,” Cadence said. She plopped her bag on the dining room table and walked over to Mark. He turned his face to her and let her peck his cheek. “It’s a guy. Is that wrong?”
Mark thought for a moment. “Are you asking me as your boyfriend or as one really chill hipster?”
“Both.”
“All right then. I don’t trust guys. Because I am one.”
Cadence rolled her eyes. “He likes this other girl. He pointed her out at orientation today.”
“Doesn’t know her.”
“Huh?”
“He never saw that chick before in his life,” Mark explained.
Cadence shook her head. “You’re crazy. AND jealous.”
“Am I? I don’t think I’m giving off a jealous vibe at all. I’m just telling you what I know.”
“Fine. Continue.”
Mark looked up from his paperwork.
“Did he approach you?”
“Yes.”
“Did he flirt with you?”
“Well, sort of.”
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Mark muttered. “Did he give you something?”
Cadence tensed. Suddenly she felt foolish.
“He let me borrow his lucky hat,” she said softly.
Mark tried to hide the grin. “Lucky hat?”
“He saw how nervous I was,” Cadence explained. “He was just trying to make me feel better.”
“I know.”
“He was nice, at least.”
“And I appreciate that. But I want you to understand his intention.”
“And what’s that?” she huffed.
“Ass.”
“Mark!”
“How old is he? Eighteen? Nineteen?”
“Probably something like that.”
“I rest my case.”
“So you don’t want me to be friends with him?” Cadence asked. “He’s in two of my classes.”
“I didn’t say that at all. Go be friends with him. Just be careful,” Mark replied.
“Maybe I shouldn’t be friends with him,” Cadence said.
“Sweet Cheeks, you can be friends with whoever you want. Okay? I’m just looking out for you.”
Cadence grinned. “I want you to be jealous,” she whispered.
“I know you do. And I will be if he lays a hand on you. But so far, you’ve painted him to be really honorable,” Mark said.
Cadence nodded. That wasn’t the complete truth. She didn’t tell Mark that Michael said he planned to steal a kiss from her some day. She thought she ought to, but she wasn’t ready to have no friends at school quite yet.
“When do you start class?” she asked. She wanted to change the subject.
Mark avoided her gaze. “Um, I’m actually starting next semester.”
She eyed him curiously. “Why?”
He sighed heavily. “I just can’t afford it right now.”
“I knew it. I knew this would happen.”
“You knew what would happen?” Mark asked.
“You gave me money you shouldn’t have, and now you can’t afford your own dream. It was your money!” Cadence cried.
“My money is your money.”
“Ugh! I’m dropping out.”
Mark looked at her evenly. “You’re going.”
“No. I’m getting the money back and giving it to you. You worked hard for it. You had to teach high school for Christ’s sake!” She jumped in her seat and slapped her hand over her mouth.
Mark shook his head, confused.
“I can’t believe I said that,” she mumbled into her palm. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”
“Said what?”
“I have to go pray.” She hopped up from her chair, and Mark followed her into the bedroom.
“Go away,” she said.
“Cadence, I’ll let you pray in a minute.” He wanted so badly to roll his eyes. “But first, we need to discuss this. Because you’re not getting any money back. You’re going to college. Period.”
“I accepted it because you made me believe you could still afford to go!”
“I thought I could,” he said, observing her bounce from foot to foot. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Oh my God! Are we done here? I need to pray!”
He cracked a smile then folded his hands. “‘Dear God, please forgive Cadence for taking your name in vain. She didn’t mean it, and she loves you very much. Amen.’ Now can we get back to it?”
“You are so disrespectful,” Cadence said. She wasn’t ugly about it. She actually thought it was funny, but she knew she couldn’t laugh. It would encourage him.
“I was praying!” Mark argued.
“You were being a smartass,” Cadence pointed out.
“You’re right. And I’m sorry. But you can’t just dump the whole ‘I’m not going to college’ thing on me and then run to the bedroom to pray. Kind of not fair.”
“What am I gonna do??”
“About what?”
“I feel like a leech! I’m sucking the life out of you! You pay for everything. You’re sacrificing your schooling. You—”
“Stop.”
Cadence closed her mouth.
“You give me no credit for making my own decisions. You know that? Is it, like, your goal in life to convince me that being with you is a terrible mistake? I’m totally loving my life, and you just refuse to accept that. Giving you money for school gave me a high.”
“Huh?”
“Yeah. A high. Why? Because I was doing something for you that I chose to do. I choose to take care of you, Cadence. And I love doing it. I love making you dinner. I love paying for your classes. I love making sure our electric bills are paid up so we can watch movies together. I love all of it. I love my life with you, so stop shitting all over it!”
Mark watched as she struggled with the need to argue. She chewed her lower lip. He waited. Her mouth parted, and it was all over.
“But you need to go to college! You need to be a professor!”
“There’s a big difference between needing something and wanting it. I need to make love to you all the time. That’s a need.”
She blushed.
“I want to get my Ph.D. That’s a want. And it’ll happen. I can’t start this semester. Okay. That’s cool. I’ll start next semester. No big deal.”
“Do you really need to make love to me?” she asked.
Mark burst out laughing. “You didn’t hear anything I said after that, did you?”
She shook her head. Well, at least she was honest.
“I need your body all the time,” Mark said. “You wanna talk about being a leech? I feed off your love. I can’t get enough of it.”
“So we’re just a couple of leeches, huh?”
“Yep.”
“Will you promise me you’ll start school next semester?”
“If I can,” Mark replied.
“What does that mean?”
“It means that Ph.D. programs start during specific semesters. I’m not sure if I can go next semester. I may need to wait the following year. And it’s all right,” he said quickly when he saw her mouth open to object.
Cadence growled.
“Really? Did you just do that?” Mark asked, chuckling.
She laughed too, and then she
growled again.
“That’s weird, right? To growl?” she asked.
“Completely. But I kinda like it. Growl for me again.”
“You just wanna turn it sexual,” Cadence said.
“You’re damn right.”
“And I still need to pray.”
“Aww shucks. I forgot about that,” Mark said. “All right. Go be absolved. I’ll meet you in the dining room for dinner.”
Right before he closed the door, he caught a glimpse of her sitting on the bed with her head bowed. He wondered what kinds of conversations she had with God. He wondered if she had conversations like the ones she shared with him. Well, aside from the sexual banter. He imagined it was an interesting relationship—hers and God’s—and he wouldn’t ignore the tiniest bit of jealousy over it. Mostly because he wanted her all to himself. Mostly. But there was a little part of him that missed his own conversations, his own meditations with a God he used to love.
***
North Atlanta University. So it wasn’t a Division I school. It was still huge, and it had a reputation for one really aggressive business program. Cadence decided over the summer that she would major in business. She became obsessed with the idea of owning her own flower shop, and she planned to study to become the savviest businesswoman on the planet.
The university was the exact opposite of high school. Cadence relished in walking the campus in relative anonymity, just one of thousands of ordinary students. No one knew her story, and if they did, they didn’t care. Nobody cared about anybody, she observed, as she was nearly run over by a skateboarder on her way to composition class.
“Move,” he spat. She blew him a kiss.
She made sure to look as inconspicuous as possible for her first day of classes: jean shorts, tank top, flip flops. She kept her hair down but pulled it off her face with a headband. She wore a tad bit of makeup. Nothing showy, but she thought first day classes warranted mascara and lip gloss, at the least.
She slid into a seat in the row closest to the windows. She didn’t bother to look for Michael. Or save him a seat. She still wasn’t sure about that guy. She felt guilty for not telling Mark about Michael’s kissing comment. She wanted a friend, but she was unsure if he was a good one. She scanned the room for somebody better. She needed a girlfriend. And there was one sitting directly behind her.
“Hi,” Cadence said tentatively.
