“Yeah, we’ll be right there. Just gotta talk to Cole a sec.”
“Okay.”
Once Bri is out of earshot, Jason raises an eyebrow and stares at me.
“I knew something was up, but Bri? Come on, man.”
“Don’t fucking start.”
“Start? Brother, I’m not sure where to even begin with this.” The motion of his headshake makes my nostrils flare.
“You don’t get it.”
“She’s Bri.”
“I know who she is. Trust me, I’ve never forgotten. I’ve been making sure she’s good. You know, has someone to talk to when she needs it. Man, I couldn’t stand seeing her so lost anymore,” I confess. No point in pretending anymore.
“Fuck. We’ll talk more about this when we get home.” Dismissed like a fucking child who disappointed his parents and will get rebuked at home to avoid a scene in public.
I sit back down on the couch, shoulders tense. The sounds of everyone speaking and laughing moves around me, but I’m numb to the sound. I’m tired of being labeled as the irresponsible one. My friends know I’m not an asshole, yet they’re all warning me off when it comes to Bri. Have I screwed around? Yeah, but I’m not the only man who has. Would I be willing to settle down with someone like Bri? In a heartbeat. Not just someone like her, but her. Am I aware that it may never happen and I could ruin a friendship? You bet your ass I am, and I’m risking it all for a chance at love. If she’s ever ready. ’Til then, I’ll be there for her, as a friend, because at the moment she needs all of her friends.
“What do you think, Cole?” Jen calls out.
“What?” I look around the room.
“You okay?” she asks.
“Yup, just thinking.” I refocus on the game and forget the rest. I’m starting to act like some pissy chick. I need to get myself in check. No way can I allow anyone to mess with my head this much. Less so that Bri came over and I’m not acting like the person she’s grown used to being around.
“Oohh! Touchdown!” Cash yells, standing up to cheer. I jump up, reacting slow to the play, and high-five him. We all relax more as the game goes on, including Bri, who jumps up with her own comments throughout the game.
The game ends with a win for the Vols and a few beers under my belt. I stare at Bri and her smiling face, unable to contain my own smile. I’m proud of her for coming out and spending time with her friends. Even prouder hearing her laugh and watching her interact.
“Thanks for telling me to come.” She walks up to me and wraps and arm around my shoulder. My body stiffens a second and then relaxes. I swallow slowly and smile at her.
“You’re welcome. Having fun?”
“Yes. I needed this, Cole.” Her eyes twinkle and my heart thumps in my chest. “I needed to spend time with y’all and see Liv outside of my house.”
“Glad I could help.” I stare into her green orbs. She squeezes my shoulder and releases me, leaving me with a need to grasp onto her. I watch her walk toward Liv, Jason shaking his head.
I hear Bri, Liv, and Jen’s voices carrying through the living room, but disconnect from that view when Cash calls me.
“What’s up?” I ask as I turn toward the guys.
“Shot?” Ryder holds up a bottle of Fireball.
“Just one,” I tell them. Ryder cocks his eyebrow. “I’m driving,” I explain. What I don’t say is that I don’t want to get drunk and confess my feelings to Bri. One drop of alcohol too much and my heart will be split open, bleeding my emotions.
Shit, I’ve turned into Cash. I could probably use that for a song.
“Serve him a fucking shot, for the love of God,” Jason says as he squints his eyes at me. Motherfucker. I don’t need Ryder knowing about my feelings for Bri.
I grab the shot glass and throw it back without waiting for any of them to toast. Then, I hand my glass back to Ryder for a refill.
“Slow,” Cash warns, but I ignore him and shoot the burning alcohol back.
“Shots?” Jen calls out. “Without us?” She hurries over to us, Liv and Bri following.
Ryder serves everyone a round, refilling our glasses. So much for not drinking too much.
“Anyone down for beer pong?” Jen asks.
“Me! Come on, Cash, I can use your freakishly long arms to help me win.” Olivia laughs, and I have to chuckle with her.
“You like my long arms when—”
“Not another word!” she interrupts him. We all laugh, and Ryder teases Liv.
“Ryder, you wanna be on my team?” Jen asks him.
“I’m always on your team.” He kisses her cheek. Cash and Ryder are goners when it comes to their wives. I look at Bri from the corner of my eye. I’m not too far from them. In a different life, having a real chance with Bri, I’d be just like them. Holding on tight for fear that I’d drown without her love in my life.
“Bro.” Jason slaps my back and guides me outside to the yard where the four of them are already setting up on the table.
“How’s work, Bri?” Jason asks.
“Good. Happy that I stay busy.”
“You look good though,” Jason compliments.
“I’m better. Thanks to this guy making sure I don’t drown in my sorrow.” She juts her head my way and smiles gratefully.
“Anytime,” I respond, tight-lipped.
“Good thing you’ve got him as a buddy.” Jason looks at me pointedly.
“Yeah, I know I should see you guys more often. Go out more, but it’s been tough. I’m taking it day by day and hoping that one day I’ll be ready to be fully on my own again.”
“You’ll get there, Bri,” Jason assures her.
“Yeah, but tonight’s about fun. What’s up with you? Haven’t had a chance to talk to you in a while.”
“All is well. Music, shows, hanging out. You know how it goes.”
“I do. You guys just keep on growing. I feel like a proud momma.”
“Ha! Not sure about a momma, but thanks.” Jason smiles. We’re all proud of how far we’ve come, and that we have remained best friends and bandmates throughout the years. It’s not always easy, and we have days where we want to call it quits, but we’ll never abandon one another.
“You know what I mean.” She pushes Jason’s shoulder and turns to look at the beer pong game. “Who do you think will win?”
“Cash and Liv,” I say. “Jen and Ryder eat too much shit.”
“Yeah, but they have fun.” Bri looks over at me.
“They do.” I nod my head, holding the urge to reach out and grab her hand. To pull her into my side.
“You guys want a beer?” Jason asks.
“I’ll take one.”
“Me too,” Bri adds.
We stand in silence, watching our friends play, as a million thoughts cloud my mind about the oblivious woman standing next to me.
By the end of the night, I’ve got a buzz and strong desire to kiss the brunette beauty when Jason rips me away from Ryder and Jen’s house and makes sure I get home with my pride intact.
I’m glad I went to Jen and Ryder’s house last night. A piece of me felt normal again. However, reality hit me like a freight train when I got home expecting to have a call with Josh. I was taken back four years when he was deployed and I was here. I once again crawled into an empty bed and found some kind of solace in a blanket of memories, gripping them fiercely; too afraid they’ll disappear.
My body shivers as my arms become covered in goosebumps while I water my herbs. Maybe I will need to bring them inside during winter. How did I not think about that? This is what happens when you plant a garden while you’re fighting off emotions. The only thing I was preoccupied with was distracting myself. Of course, a garden and baking wasn’t enough.
I look to my right when I hear Dixie barking quietly.
“Are you cold, girl?”
She snuggles into my hand as I bend to pet her and pick her up. I turn off the hose and walk back into the house. Without letting Dixie go, I sit on
the sofa and turn on the television.
Lost in the images flowing across the screen, I hear my phone beep. Shifting Dixie next to me, I lean forward to grab my phone.
I smile when I see Liv’s name.
Liv: hey, bri! want to grab dinner?
Bri: yeah, maybe.
Liv: yes or maybe? lol
Bri: most probably?
Liv: that will work for now
I laugh at Liv’s response. That means she’ll show up here when she’s ready to go and pick me up regardless. Step by step, Bri will find her way back to normal-hood.
Great, now I’m talking about myself in third person. I’m also not sure normal-hood is a word.
I shake my head and continue petting Dixie. Maybe this week I can clear a few more things from the garage. I can ask Catherine and Bill if they want any of Josh’s things before donating them. Dinner with Liv will be good. I can’t believe how much I’ve pushed her away, but I can’t blame myself for that. I know Liv, and I know she doesn’t hold it against me.
Figuring I might as well get ready so I don’t feel rushed later, I jump in the shower. I’m almost tempted to use Josh’s body wash, so I can carry his scent with me. I choose to use my own soap, leaving his sitting in the shower even after all these months, and dry my hair. The only thing that has changed in our home is Josh’s physical presence. I have kept everything else as is, as if one day he’ll return, like in Pearl Harbor.
Liv: heading over
I read Liv’s text and wait for her in the living room with Dixie begging for my attention. She’s going to have to fight harder for it as I stare at pictures of Josh and I in a photo album. My heart constricts as I think about him, about the life we shared. My mom’s right, I have to be grateful I have these memories to go back to when I miss him. However, I also wish our time wouldn’t have been cut short.
I wonder if he died instantly or was aware of what was going on. Did he suffer? Did he think about me? I like to think he did. I like to think he tried everything he could to not get injured.
Knock.
I look up, grateful to get out of my own head, and open the door.
“Hey.”
“Oh, hi.” I look up to see Cole.
“What’s up?”
“Not much, waiting for Liv to get here. She wanted to go to dinner. Wanna come in?” Olivia should get here any minute now, but I don’t want to kick Cole out. I appreciate him making sure I’m doing okay.
“That’s good. I’ll leave then.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to leave.”
“Yeah. I want you to go have fun with Liv. Besides, don’t want to get in the middle of girls’ night.” He smiles.
“Hey!” Olivia says and looks at Cole with furrowed brows. “What’s up?”
“Nothing. Passed by to see how Bri was doing,” he responds.
“Oh, okay.”
“Well, I’m gonna go. Have fun at dinner. Is Cash home?”
“Yeah. Call him,” Liv answers and we both watch Cole leave. “Weird,” she adds.
“What?”
“Why was he checking in on you?”
I shrug. “He’s been coming by every so often since Jen’s wedding. Says that if none of you were going to get me to be social again, that he would.”
She rolls her eyes. “Ready to go?”
So many people have stopped by our table to say hello to Olivia. She’s a celebrity by association, and after everything that happened between her and Cash when they first started off, she’s gained even more popularity. Rebel Desire’s fans took her side when her ex-boyfriend was threatening to ruin their relationship. Now, she has a fan base of her own.
“And here I was thinking Cash was the only famous one,” I tease her.
“Shut it.” She takes a sip of her wine. “How are you doing? I’m glad you went to Jen’s yesterday.”
“Day by day, Liv. You gotta stop asking me every time we speak, though.”
“I know, but I feel so helpless.” She frowns. “And you haven’t exactly made yourself available. Well, except for Cole. What the hell is up with that?”
“Nothing. He started showing up and bringing ice cream. He’s worried.”
“If I didn’t know any better…” she trails off.
“What?” I laugh.
“Nothing. I’m sorry I didn’t show up. I thought you wanted to be alone. I thought you needed that. I would’ve been there.”
“I know. I wasn’t exactly approachable.”
“We’re like sisters, though.” I see the hurt in her big, blue eyes.
“And nothing will change that. Promise,” I reassure her. Lately, all of our conversations are tainted with Josh’s death. What used to flow freely from both of us has been halted. It’s been a challenge for me to talk about anything.
“Hi,” a female voice says. I turn to look, thinking it will be another fan.
“Hey, Mikayla!” Liv says. She stands and gives the younger woman a hug. “Bri, this is Mikayla, Tyler’s girlfriend.”
“Hi,” I smile. I remember Olivia talking about her.
“Actually, fiancé,” Mikayla says with a big smile.
“What? No way! Congrats!” Liv practically jumps on the poor girl.
“Thanks.” Mikayla laughs. “Yeah, it happened last week.”
“Congratulations,” I smile toward her.
“We’ll have to get together this week to celebrate. Are you here with Tyler?”
“No, he was working late tonight. I’m with my friend, Sam.” She looks over at a woman with dark hair and darker eyes.
“Great. Have fun, and I’ll call you this week so we can get together,” Liv tells her. She’s jumping out of her skin excited.
After Mikayla leaves, she says, “I’m so happy for them!” Cash and Tyler have become great friends since they toured together a few years ago. I know Olivia and Mikayla have also formed a friendship, and I’m glad that she has someone who is in a similar situation to talk to. As much as I am her best friend, I have no idea what it’s like to be married to a celebrity, and Jen rolls with the punches more than Olivia does.
“Tell me something interesting about your life,” I prompt Liv.
“Well, Cash and I are going to start trying to have a baby.” Her grin overtakes her face.
“What?” I exclaim.
“Shhh…”
“Sorry,” I whisper. “Oh my God! That is so awesome. So I’m going to be Aunty Bri?” Finally, good news.
“Yeah, as soon as I get pregnant. We just started, and the practice isn’t too bad.” She winks.
Giggling, I reach for her hand and squeeze it. “This is great news. You guys deserve it.”
“Thanks. No one knows yet, obviously. We’ve had tabloids spread enough BS about us and want to keep this ours until we no longer can hide it.”
“I hope it happens fast. Although, that will mean no sangria nights for a while.”
“Then we might as well take advantage of tonight, right?” She raises her glass. I imitate her, hitting my glass with hers, and smiling.
“I wish…”
“I know, sweetie. Day by day, right?” Liv consoles me.
“He would’ve been happy for you two.”
“He did love Cash. I thank him for making sure Cash and I got back together.”
“Hey, I had a hand in that.” I smile, remembering how different our lives were then. It feels like an eternity ago.
“You both did.”
Instead of focusing on the past, I smile at Liv and ask her if she wants a boy or girl. We talk for hours. I inform her I am going to clean out the garage. That’s my next goal to work on with Liza as well.
“If you want me to help you, just let me know.”
“Maybe. Thanks.”
“This is good, Bri. No one will ever replace Josh, but moving forward is good. Acceptance is part of the grieving process.”
“I know,” I murmur.
“Have you gone to visit him?” I shake
my head. “Maybe you’ll consider it?” She smiles sadly.
“One day.” I haven’t had the guts to visit his grave since we buried him. That will just make his dying all that more real. But it is real, and I’m starting to swallow that reality along with my sadness.
“So, any new cheese about celebrities?” I change the subject.
Liv laughs loudly. “You’re such a gossip. Nothing juicy, but guess who we’re going to have dinner with next week.” Liv’s eyes glimmer.
“Luke Bryan?”
“No,” Liv rolls her eyes. I know he’s not a new person in their life.
“No idea.”
“Ronan Connolly,” she whisper-yells.
“What?” I gasp.
“Yup! He’s a huge country music fan. He loves Rebel Desire and reached out to Cash.”
“Oh. My. God.” I can’t contain my excited and surprise. “You lucky bitch.” Liv giggles at my reaction. “Get me an autograph?” Ronan Connolly is Hollywood’s heartthrob. His Irish accent makes all the women swoon, and his charity work makes him an even better person.
“I’ll try. No promises though. Cash already told me I’ll have to be on my best behavior.”
“Fine. At least sneak in an incognito pic and send it to me. Ronan Connolly,” I add in disbelief.
I can’t come up with a valid reason for having kept Olivia away during this time. I know she’s my constant in life, and spending time with her is always a high. Soon she’ll be a mom, and who knows how much time we’ll be able to spend together. I miss her most when she’s on tour with Cash, and I can’t see her as often.
I make a vow to myself to call her, even when I don’t feel like it. Even on days where it’s too hard to continue moving forward, I’ll call my best friend.
I look around the mess in the garage. I finally decided to tear through this—a week after I went to dinner with Olivia. I had to work up to it. I haven’t accomplished much, except spreading his belongings all around me as I look through them, different memories surfacing. When I found his football, I was instantly taken back seven years. Josh had come home for a short visit and we drove up to a lake cabin with a faux beach. He was relentless in teaching me how to throw this football. When I finally threw the perfect spiral, I ran to him and jumped until we were both in the water.
Love You Through It Page 8
