I look over to catch up on the conversation my mom and Catherine are having and see my mom smirk. I ignore her and listen to the new color scheme Catherine wants to incorporate in her living room.
When my phone vibrates again, Catherine and my mom glance at each other.
“What?” I demand.
“Nothing.” My mom curls in her lips to hide her smile. I look over at Catherine.
“It’s nothing, sweetheart.”
With this, my dad and Bill look at us.
Another text message comes in, but I’m too focused on their facial expression to bother looking who it’s from.
“Is that a friend?” My dad asks.
“Yeah, I guess. A friend texted a few minutes ago.”
“If you want to go out, we won’t mind,” he says.
“What?” I screech. “Go out where? It’s Thanksgiving.”
“I don’t know. With people your age? Us oldies won’t get offended,” he chuckles. “We’ll stay here and drink your wine.”
“What are you talking about, Dad?” I squint my eyes.
“Bri, what he means is if you have someone you’d like to make plans with, you can,” Catherine speaks.
“There is no one I’ve made plans with.”
“Okay, but if there were someone, we’d be okay with it.” I can’t believe what she’s saying. Is she giving me the blessing to date someone else who isn’t her son?
“You guys are crazy.” I fold my arms.
“You’re young, still. No one would fault you.”
“Why is everyone speaking as if I’ve already moved on?” I slam my hand on the table.
“Bri,” I hear Catherine’s voice, but I’m already storming out of the dining room.
I can’t believe they’re telling me that it’s okay to date. Even our parents think I should move on. I lean against the door of my room once I’m inside.
I walk to the dresser and pick up the picture of Josh and I. We were so young then. Barely out of college, and he was getting ready for his first deployment. I cried so much that first night after he had left. Always fearing that the last time I saw him would be the final one. For years, I experienced that. Questioning if every email I sent would get a reply. I’d release tension each time it was replied. I’d hold on to the video chats with dear life, taking screen shots of his face. Just in case.
Anyone would think I’d been preparing for his death since he enlisted in the Army. That’s something no one can ever prepare for.
“Knock, knock.”
“Mom, you’re a dork.”
“Can I come in?” She peeks her head in.
“Already are.” I sit on the edge of the bed.
“I don’t want you to get upset. No one assumes anything. We all want you to be happy again. Having someone in your life will become normal once more. You deserve it.”
“It’s hard to imagine sharing my life with anyone else besides Josh.”
My mom holds my hand, and Catherine comes in.
“We love you. We want you to be happy. Yes, I wish it were with my son, but that’s not a possibility anymore. You were happy with him while he was here, and you gave him so much love. It’s time you allowed someone to return that to you.” Her honesty has always been one of her most admirable traits.
“But…”
“No buts. Once you start immersing yourself back into life, the right man will come along. You’ll know he’s the right one because he’ll be patient. He’ll honor Josh. He’ll know he’s second, but will hope to be last,” she continues.
I wipe a few stray tears. “Thank you.” I smile at Catherine and then my mom, hugging them both.
When they all leave, I grab a notebook and pen. Sitting cross-legged on my bed, I begin to write.
Dear Josh,
It’s been hell without you here. I won’t sugarcoat it to make you feel better, but I also won’t blame you. You did the bravest thing anyone I know has done. You sacrificed your life in an attempt to save another. I wish I could say the attempt was successful, but you know how that ended. Say hi to Charlie for me. Wendy’s doing well. Her and Brett are getting by (stronger than me for sure).
I miss you a lot. This wasn’t how I envisioned our life to go. I guess it’s what we each needed to live, right? It blows though, and not the good kind.
We had our first holiday without you. It was tough at first, setting the table with one less place. We each gave thanks before eating, and all of us were thankful for you. You’re a hero to the world, but to us, you’re family.
I know I’ve been talking to you almost nightly, but it’s time I write you a letter. Not so much as a goodbye, but an I’ll see you later letter.
This won’t be easy. It’s time, though. I want you to know how much I love you. I’ll always love you, even if one day another man receives my love. I can fit you both in my heart. You’re permanent, baby. And he’ll have to deal with that. I know we’re both thinking of who he is, but I’m not ready yet to admit it. It could be soon or it could take a few years for me to get there.
A part of me is afraid that if I open up to someone, I’ll lose him as well. I can’t handle that twice in a lifetime.
You know what I miss the most? Lying on the couch talking about our future. Feeling you wrap your arms around me in the middle of the night. Sitting outside in our patio watching the sunset. It’s what convinced us to buy this house, and I do love it. But would you be mad if I sold it? I haven’t decided yet, but I’m tossing around the idea. It’s too big for me alone, and this will always be our house. I couldn’t see myself living with someone else here. This was the home we built, and I respect that.
Would you be mad if I moved on? I know you won’t, but I need to ask. For my own peace of mind. I do need you to know that I love you. Yeah, I already mentioned it, but I need to repeat it. Make sure you understand. It hasn’t been easy getting to this point, but I’m nearing it. I have good friends to thank for that.
Be happy up in heaven and find peace. I’m going to be okay. I promise you that. We’ll talk soon.
love always,
Bri
your sunshine
I rip the paper out of the spiral notebook and fold it into a rectangle. It’s as if everything I’ve been holding in, the lies I’ve been telling myself, and the slow feelings that have trickled into my blood system have been confessed in this letter. I’ve told myself I’m not ready, yet I feel the sting of Cole’s silence.
The idea came as I was finishing off the letter last night. I pull into the parking lot and step out into the cold air. I teeter toward my destination. I grip the crisp envelope.
I round a tall tree and freeze when I see what’s going on a few feet away. What’s he doing here?
I lean my head forward. Is he talking?
“Dude, I would never take a buddy’s girl, but I just want to give her a second chance.” Cole places his hand on the cold stone, his head cast down. I cradle the letter I’m holding as I watch Cole with confusion.
He continues speaking. “Sometimes I want to tell her she is unhealthy. This grip she has on you is too much. She’s holding on to the memory of her deceased husband, no offense. I want to shake her and open her eyes to what’s, who’s, in front of her. But I can’t, man. If I were in her shoes and lost her, I’d never be able to get over her.” He runs a hand down his face and his shoulders slump.
“I didn’t want you to think I’d do something to betray you. Although, you’re dead and I’m crazy to be here talking to you, asking for some permission when I may never get her to even look at me as more than a friend. I wanted you to know, though, that I’d never take your place. I’ll always honor who you were and remain in her life. I’ll always respect that. You came first, and you’ll always be her first. I have no intention of taking that place from you.”
I bite my lower lip, the scene unfolding in front of me overwhelmingly heavy of emotions. I wipe my tears with the back of my hand. Looking up into the slate sky, I s
ee the sun fighting for its place in our atmosphere.
Like the sun, I also want my place in this setting. My biggest lesson in all of this is the lack of control we have in life. I wanted to hold on to Josh so tightly so I could control something from this outcome—keep him as physical as possible. When I surrendered that notion, I was free. It’s been a challenge, but I breathed so much easier when I realized that life isn’t a game of control. It’s a journey.
No longer willing to watch Cole suffer, I walk up to Josh’s grave. “Hey,” I whisper.
“Bri.” Cole turns around hastily, eyes wide. I smile. “What are you…” he scratches his head. “What are you doing here?”
“I should be asking you that.” I tilt my head and smirk.
Cole shrugs. “Came to talk to him. I don’t know. Probably a stupid idea. Sorry.” He turns to leave.
“Hey, give me a few and we can have coffee?” I ask.
“Uh, yeah.”
“Thanks, Cole.” I bite down my feelings.
Cole walks away, giving me some privacy. I kneel on the damp grass and bow my head. Tears flow like a river, and I don’t bother wiping them away. As my body trembles, I place my left arm on the tombstone to support myself. My right hand holds the letter to the ground.
“Baby, I miss you so much. I know I haven’t visited you here, but we talk at night. I love you so much, and I always will. You’ll always be in my heart, but I need to move on, for my own sanity. It’s been a long, winding road to get here, but I’m finally ready. As ready as I can be to give a part of myself to another man.
“You’ll always have a piece of my heart reserved just for you. I’ll always cherish you, no matter where this life takes me, because baby, you’re my number one. You’d want me to be happy, I know that much, and I’m at a point where I finally can be.”
I blow out a heavy breath. “I wrote this letter for you. It says it all. Thank you for loving me. For choosing me to be your wife and life partner. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul, your worries and accomplishments with me. Thank you for choosing me to be the person who gets to own your heart, and for allowing me to give you mine. I’ll see you. When the time is right, we’ll reunite.”
I look over my shoulder at Cole’s distant figure. “He’s a good man. Almost as good as you,” I try to joke. “I’ve grown to care about him, but couldn’t let go of you enough to see it. He was there when I was so broken, and I took him for granted. It’s all so new. I hope he’ll be patient, but something tells me he may be just what I need.”
I dig up some of the dirt and bury the letter as much as I can. Kissing my left hand, I place it over his name. Then, I do something I never thought I would. I remove my wedding ring and slide it into my ring finger on my right hand. I stare at my tattoo for a few seconds before standing.
Hearing Cole speak to Josh, asking for permission while splitting open, hurt. It hurt because I was so blind to see who was in front of me. Like I wrote to Josh in the letter, I don’t know if it will take me a month or five years, but any man who cares enough to come here deserves a chance.
I cup my hands and blow into them as I wait for Bri. I tried to give her privacy but couldn’t help looking over to see her on her knees at Josh’s grave. The last person I expected to see here today was her. I knew she hadn’t visited this place yet, so I thought I was in the clear.
I’ve stayed away as much as I can, saying the casual hello the couple times I’ve seen her. I have given her the space she needs. It’s been a hell of a time, and not in the good sense of the expression. Cash, Ryder, and Jason are about to kick me out of the band because of my stupidity and pessimism. Dinner last night with my family sucked until I finally gave in and sent Bri a message. I was surprised she responded instantly, and hopeful. That’s what led me here this morning.
I had to talk to Josh and tell him what my feelings were. I needed to get that out, so the guilt of everything would leave me.
“Hey.” I turn to see Bri standing in front of me.
“Hi,” I respond.
Her smile is gentle. “Coffee? There’s a shop not far from here.”
“I’ll follow you,” I reply.
I have no idea what she wants. If she needs me to be a friend, I can do that for her. I can put my feelings aside and offer her that much. She deserves it.
“It’s cold,” Bri trembles as we get to the line at the coffee shop.
“They say it’s going to get worse.”
“As much as I love Thanksgiving, I miss summer,” she sighs.
She goes into the bathroom at the coffee shop to wash her hands while I stand in line.
“Let’s get you something warm to drink.” I say when she returns. We order coffee at the counter, and I refuse to let Bri pay.
“How are you doing?” I ask her once we’re seated.
“Good. For the first time in a long time, I can answer that honestly.” I listen intently as she tells me all she’s done in the last weeks since we’ve spoken. She mentions how Mikayla has helped her, and I’m surprised to learn she’s been in contact with Tyler’s girl. I’m grateful.
“How’s Dixie?”
“Still as adorable as the day I brought her home. A little bit bigger.”
“It’s good to see you like this. You’re starting to look like you.” Bri flinches at my remark.
“It’s been a rocky road, and not sweet like the ice cream.”
I chuckle. “Life’s made of tiny pebbles and huge boulders. We can trip over the tiniest of stones, the same way we can climb mountains of rock with the right support.”
“I know that now. A lot of it thanks to you. I’m sorry for everything I said. It was wrong, but that’s the place I was in.”
“Bri,” I sigh. “I should apologize. I had no right to show up half drunk and say everything I said. You gotta do this at your pace. Those of us that care about you have to respect that.”
“I needed to hear it. I was angry at you, but that was my own need to keep the little bit I had tied together from coming undone.” She reaches out to touch my arm. “Thank you, Cole. You were there when I needed someone most. Whether it was setting me straight, bringing ice cream, or sitting in silence, you made sure I was doing more than surviving.”
“Well, not living is worse than any death. I couldn’t let that happen.”
“I know that now.” She squeezes my arm and pulls away.
The rest of our conversation is light as I tell her about the band and our New Year’s Eve performance in a month. A year ago, I never would’ve been sitting across from Bri like this—heart wide open and hoping she has the thread that can stitch me up.
“Ready to go?” I ask her when I see her checking the time on her phone.
“Yeah. Thank you for coming.”
“It’s my pleasure, Bri. I don’t want my stupid ass to screw up our friendship.”
“It didn’t. I promise.”
She twirls her mug, casting her eyes down at the residue in the bottom. “I have no idea what’s going to happen or when I’ll be completely ready, but it’s about time I start living. Right?” She looks up at me with unsure eyes. “I wrote Josh a letter last night. That’s why I went to his grave this morning.” Her eyes water. “I told him,” she chokes out. I give her the time she needs to get her emotions in check. “Sorry. I told him it was time I moved on.” Bri looks away for a moment, and when she brings her eyes back to me, they are full of tears. “I’ll need patience, Cole. A shit ton of it. It’s going to be difficult, and there will be days I’ll wish he were still alive. Part of me will always be his, but I’m working on being ready to let someone else into my heart.”
“God, Bri.” I grab hold of her hand. “He’ll always be first. No one expects you to erase him from your life.” My heart is thumping harder than my drums.
Bri nods slowly. “I understand that now. I’m also willing to see things as they are. I’ve been spending time with Wendy, Charlie’s wife. He’s the friend Josh was tryin
g to protect. It’s helped immensely to talk to her. I told her about you.”
“What? Why?” I stare at her.
“I needed to talk to someone who understood my situation.”
“Okay.”
“I told her what I told Liv and Jen. In another world, we could’ve been great together.” I slump. “Maybe another world exists inside this one? In a way, it feels like a different place.”
My head snaps up. Her smile is unsure. I nod slowly, feeling as if I’m having an out-of-body experience. I use the courage in me and ask, “May I take you out?”
“Yes.” One word hits my gut harder than any schoolyard punch.
“We only go as fast as you want. You wanna speed walk, we’ll do that. If you wanna sprint, hell I’ll dust off my track shoes.” Bri’s giggle is better than any tune we’ve played in a long time. “And if you want to take a lazy stroll, I’ll hold your hand along the way.”
“Thank you.” Her eyes soften.
“Anything, for you.” This woman ruined me the first day I met her in her cowboy boots at a bar after our first appearance at Country Fest years ago. All thanks to Cash and his infatuation with Olivia. “Are you free tomorrow?” I dare ask.
“The Vols are playing.” She lifts a shoulder in mock apology.
“Hell, are you free right now?”
Her smile finally shows her teeth. “I am.”
“Hey,” Jason says as I walk into the living room.
“What’s up?”
“Gonna go to Riot. Wanna come?”
“I’m good, brother. Been a long day.” Jason and Christie, the bartender from Riot, have started up a thing. I’m not sure what to call it, and I let him do his thing as long as he can trust her to not screw him over.
“Where you’ve been?” Jason tilts his head.
I’ve been out of the house for over eight hours. Between the cemetery and seeing Bri, the day flew by. I’m still processing everything Bri told me. The major drop that she wants to see where things between us could go. I’d given up on that hope. However, I’m not ready to tell Jason, or anyone, yet. Bri deserves time to tell people when she’s fully ready.
Love You Through It Page 14
