by Lara Swann
The moment I got it, though - everything clicked into place. Those darkest, coldest nights of my life gave me people I could trust, who were going to get me through it no matter what, simply because we were a team - and during the worst moments, that ended up being the only thing left that was worth fighting for.
When I came out of it, that same unshakable bond was waiting for me with every SEAL I’ve served with since. BUD/S and my first tour showed me that I wasn’t alone anymore - and unexpectedly, I discovered that I liked it that way.
To my surprise, that had extended to their families as well, forming a close-knit group that gave each of us the reassurance that those we loved would always be taken care of, whatever happened. I hadn't really understood just how important that was until Ryan invited me round the first time and I'd seen what he had in Becky and the kids. The way her eyes followed him - the fierce pride and quiet acceptance of who he was - had challenged my idea of what a family life was.
Most of us never expected to get something like that, of course - there was a reason SEAL divorce rates were so damned high - so we all respected the special kind of woman who could deal with the craziness we inflicted on those around us, and we did what we could to support those that tried for it.
Ray and Fiona gave off the same vibe, their eyes never far from each other even as they laughed with different groups of people. It was the sort of thing that I usually had a unique appreciation for, but tonight my mood was shifting all over the place, and it was drawing me out of the casual banter with an uncomfortable bitter-sweetness. Which was ridiculous, but the distraction of Becky’s kids hadn't quite managed to take the edge off my last few days around Bella - or, rather, days spent avoiding her.
I’d managed to mostly stick to that resolution, but thanks to my mother’s coercion, I was still heading there for dinner - which was turning out to be some of the more awkward experiences of my life, as Bella and I ignored each other and our parents tried to make small talk, mostly about the upcoming wedding. Something neither of us had any interest in, though Bella was doing better than me at showing some enthusiasm. Apparently they were slating it for the end of summer - and I found myself selfishly hoping I was deployed again by then, mostly so I wouldn’t have to be around when Bella becomes my step-sister in truth. The familiar irritation at that thought flared again, made worse as my gaze lingered on Ray casually kissing his wife's temple before moving off to get something from the kitchen.
“Drives me crazy sometimes, you know.”
I looked up as Becky swung her leg over the picnic bench beside me, sliding another beer along to me and taking a sip of her own.
“Huh?”
She nodded again towards Fiona.
“I love them to bits of course, but god...makes me miss Ryan something fierce.”
It took me a moment to work out what she was talking about. Becky didn’t usually talk that way and her observation was uncomfortably in line with my own thoughts. I took a swig from the bottle with a shrug, glancing over to Fiona as I spoke without thinking.
“He’s lucky to have her.”
“Pfff, you're all lucky that anyone can put up with your exasperating male egos.”
“Hah, you know how irresistible that masculine charm is to you ladies.”
Her eyes sparked as she met my gaze, grinning and clinking her beer against mine in acquiescence.
“Can't deny it...so you still wrecking the local bars these days?”
My mind skipped to those familiar haunts; picturing the way I usually blew off steam after a hard time in some desolate barren with the kind of girls who were only too eager to throw themselves after those charms. Tonight the idea of that felt somehow empty and I shrugged, not liking where this was leading.
“Not so much, Becks - caught up at my stepfather-to-be’s mansion up on the coast lately.”
“Ah yes, Dale mentioned. Your mother alright?”
Her tone was casual, but I couldn’t miss the way her eyes sharpened. She’d never say a word - none of these guys would - but Becky had very firm ideas on what being a mother meant. It wasn’t her fault that most of the world didn’t seem to share them, but my stomach tightened further anyway and I downed a good quarter of the beer to take the edge off.
“Yeah, beyond getting in the way of all those girls’ hopes and dreams downtown, she’s fine. How’s Tyler’s baseball coming along?”
She let her gaze linger for just a moment, seeing too much before she let me get away with changing the subject. Running a hand through her hair, Becky smiled as she recited Tyler’s exploits with a mother’s pride that I only ribbed her a little for.
The conversation became light and easy, but my mind was still stuck on where it had been before. I kept glancing over towards Ray and Fiona, and even looking at Becky prompted difficult thoughts, with her family surrounding us and the quiet fierceness she gave to everyone and everything. It had never been something I wanted - I hadn’t ever believed in being with anyone for good, long before I became a SEAL and realized it was completely impossible. Even if I was interested in the idea, I couldn’t ask that of anyone; to live with the sudden disappearances; the knowledge I might be killed or captured at any point; the fact that I would always put my brothers and country first? No girl should have to deal with that. At least, not anyone worth being with.
Becky’s obvious pride and satisfaction as she looked around at her newly painted walls and the warmth of our makeshift gathering put the lie to my thoughts, but that wasn’t somewhere I wanted to go.
Damn it. Stupid girl and stupid, fucked up thoughts…
Bella had been on my mind far too frequently the last few days and it was throwing up all sorts of crazy ideas, things that didn’t belong to me or who I was at all. My errant obsession had been cut off way too sharply and now I couldn’t get the damned thought from my head - seeing my hands on her warm, shapely body every time I closed my eyes; her chest rising as she cried my name; her eyes sparking with outrage and lust that combusted together into the hottest night of my life.
I’d told myself the replay of that was just a minor curiosity, a mental exercise to make the cold, dark nights more bearable, but now that the object of my unwavering interest was right there every day…that constant reminder of the one night I hadn’t been able to forget was driving me crazy, with the persistent knowledge that we’d never have a chance to repeat it.
Which was probably half of the damned problem - one hyped up memory that I was forbidden from correcting with the usual harsh dose of reality. I’d been eighteen, naive and impressed by anyone who could say ‘no’ to me for more than a few moments; hardly criteria on which to judge the best sex of my life. In fact, it had probably been eclipsed several times over now, without me even realizing it.
And you’ll never know…
That idea was enough to have me growling with frustration again. It was all wrapped up in that one, idealized memory. The misguided interest in Becky and Fiona that had been bothering me all evening was probably just another part of it too - the foiled desire to finally finish this thing with Bella warping itself into everything I saw. All I really needed was one hot, steaming night to end the curiosity I should never have let myself sustain. Hell, it might not even take a night. One last time with the closest thing my twisted teen years had to a childhood sweetheart, to show it was nothing special, then I’d be done.
Just one impossible, forbidden night.
That thought made me look up abruptly, my mind starting to race while I stared off at the sun slipping down towards the horizon. The party’s conversation had slipped away from me as I’d let myself be distracted by things I couldn’t shake, but now the noise came back with a jolt.
Impossible…forbidden…
It was a crazy idea, but I’d only ever seen those words as an invitation. The lust I’d been trying to ignore stirred again and I smiled slowly.
There was too much left unsaid and undone to give us any semblance of normal interacti
on at the moment, and with the ridiculous ideal that had plagued me for the last three years, it was no wonder I couldn’t put it behind me. But if we finally got a chance to bring a dose of reality to those lust-filled memories, then all the hundred-and-one reasons why we never liked each other in the first place could finally surface again.
Of course, I couldn’t imagine her ever going for that…
The vision of her a few nights ago surfaced yet again, as I’d held her in my gaze while my mouth almost brushed hers. The way she’d looked at me, eyes wide and heart racing as she waited for the kiss that never came.
I’d promised myself I wouldn’t hurt her again - but there was no chance of leading her on now. After leaving her before, there was no way she’d consider that again, even if she hadn’t been slated to become my sister…but one night to forget everything, to release all that pent up tension and finish the fantasies of youth? Maybe…
There was the step-sister thing, of course. But we were adults and it wasn’t like our parents were married yet. Plus, we’d already done it, so what difference did twice really make? The way I wanted things, this could even be a good thing for our familial relations…god knew, getting these thoughts out of my mind would make me a far more appropriate ‘brother’…
It was hard to imagine her agreeing with that argument - she was too stuck up for that - but I’d seen the way she looked at me. The way she wanted me. Maybe there was more unfinished business on her side than she wanted to admit.
Either way, energy raced through me at the idea - that was something I could act on, something I could do to fix my distraction.
Grinning, I stood up and stretched, reaching over to the other side of the table for another beer and turning my attention back to the good company I had around me.
Plenty of time to plan the slow, sweet seduction of one fiery-eyed temptress…
Chapter Seven
Bella
“So I never asked - how did you both meet, anyway?”
I glanced over at Seth’s question, surprised both that he’d asked it, and that it hadn’t even occurred to me. He was offering our parents a polite smile while he wrapped the seafood linguine around his fork as delicately as if he’d been born to it. I wondered idly where he’d learned that, as I was pretty sure table manners hadn’t been as big in his childhood as they had been in mine.
My mind followed that thought to images of what he must have been like as a boy - a terror for anyone around, I was sure - and I cursed myself for yet another casual daydream about the sinfully handsome Navy SEAL sitting beside me. Why the hell I had to keep schooling myself to stop thinking about him, I wasn’t sure, but it was making it even more impossible to be around the guy.
Not that that had been much of an issue, thank god - he didn’t seem to stick around here during the day, and last night hadn’t even made it home for dinner. Which should be a relief, since I had no desire to share this place with him over the summer, but some messed up part of me was just a little disappointed that he was effectively ignoring me now. Ignoring everyone, for that matter, since he didn’t offer our parents more than the time of day either, and he rarely bothered to contribute to the halting dinner conversations.
Not since that first explosive night.
“Ohh, it’s a funny story actually.”
Cora laughed lightly and looked over at my father, who for once seemed a little uncomfortable. That caught my interest and I glanced up at them both.
“You know I was temping a while back? Well, I ended up at Terry’s office - his PA had caught something nasty. Off sick for weeks, she was—”
“You were his secretary?”
I couldn’t quite keep the disbelief out of my voice. My respectable father wasn’t the type to chase after his secretary. She might have the looks to turn any woman green, but still—
“Ohh it wasn’t like that! He was a proper gentleman, of course, waiting until I’d left before he said anything…”
The coy smile she sent his way suddenly made my food suddenly lose all appeal, and I found myself pushing it around the plate as she finished the story. I had nothing against Cora, and it seemed like my father liked having her around, but sometimes she reminded me of the schoolgirls I’d grown up with and I had no idea what to make of that. Or exactly what my father saw in her…beyond the dazzling smile and delicately perfect features, anyway.
I cast a quick glance at my father and noted the tight smile on his face, but when she reached over to grasp his hand he relaxed a little, nodding at us.
“We got on well those few weeks, and by the time she left, I think we were both disappointed to lose the company. So I invited her for dinner a few days later…and that was that.”
A glance at Seth had me thinking he’d found their funny story about as amusing as I had, his face expressionless as he looked at them both. And then it was suddenly apparent how we hadn’t gotten around to this question yet…neither of us really wanted to hear much about it. I gave him some kudos for the effort though.
His mother was still looking at us expectantly, but he responded before I’d have to come up with something appropriate to say - a good thing, considering all I could think about was my father falling for his secretary. She might have been a temp, but…
Doesn’t compare to fucking your stepbrother.
The familiar self-recrimination had my cheeks heating again, but I was pretty sure no one noticed - or at least, had no idea what the reason would be. I tried to push it away by telling myself we hadn’t been anything like step-siblings at that point, but that argument didn’t hold so well when I was still thinking about it. Bastard.
“I see…so are you still temping these days?”
His voice was fairly neutral, but that said more than the contempt I had half-expected. I shot another quick look at him, surprised at the sudden interest in our parents’ lives.
“Ohh, no, of course not, honey. We talked about it, but I have Terry to look after now - you know how hard he works. He deserves to have someone here to take care of things.”
That suddenly made a little more sense to me - my father had mentioned the support other executives’ wives gave them more than a few times and I’d kind of known something was missing for him, especially as I’d headed off to university.
I’d always tried to be helpful, but it wasn’t surprising he wanted something more. I could see what he liked about having someone to help him fill the empty house, and tried again to get used to the idea. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t quite see her as that maternal influence he’d mentioned, if he was happy…it was his life to lead.
And your life is yours to lead.
That made me smile again, thinking about the research I would be heading up to after we finished another of these awkward evenings, and wondering if I had time to give Kaylee a quick call to talk through some of my ideas.
“Actually, on that note - Cora will be helping with the annual charity ball, as I’ve been asked to host it this year. It’s late notice, but I’m sure we can manage - especially with your support, darling.”
He gave her a quick smile before turning back to us, but I caught the brief glance that passed between Seth and his mother. I couldn’t quite read the undertone there, but the set of Seth’s shoulders and the slight tension I caught from Cora had me curious. My father continued, oblivious.
“If you have any ideas, it would be great if you could both get involved too - you know what these things are like. I haven’t even begun to shortlist the potential charities, and the event is only in a few weeks.”
I also knew how tedious my father found organizing events, and how hard it was to avoid being roped in. I wondered whether Cora really appreciated what she’d taken on, and a glance at Seth had me thinking our Navy SEAL hero might end up planning a retreat to base in short order.
“What do you think, Annabelle? You usually have a good thought or two for the theme or charity.”
“Navy SEALs…”
; It slipped out without thinking and I fought to keep from turning bright red.
I was not just thinking about him. I was not.
“I mean…what about supporting the vets this year? A military theme…tie that and the charity together, and it would be…appropriate.”
I tried somewhat desperately to recover and luckily they were too thrilled with the idea to notice anything else. Seth, however, was giving me a look there was no way in hell I was meeting.
“Ohh, Bella, that’s fantastic - Terry, you simply must agree.”
Even my father was smiling as he added to Cora’s comment.
“Yes, well done, child - the optics are perfect, with our engagement and the introduction of a military man to the household…yes, that would work very nicely.”
“Seth - I’m sure you could get some of your guys along, too, right? We could organize it so we had active members along, provide some nice flavor to the theme and encourage more donations.”
Seth’s attention on me wavered as he realized their focus had narrowed onto him. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, but I half expected some snarky comment in response to the way they were talking about him, even if it was for the benefit of other veterans.
“Yes…there are a few people I’m sure would be willing to support it.”
His voice was carefully controlled, but the glance I sneaked at him showed that his posture had tightened and he’d stopped eating. I felt badly about how my father was discussing it, but he’d always been like this - it wasn’t that he didn’t care, he just didn’t often see the point in approaching things sensitively when he could work through a problem directly. It made him sound a little callous, but he meant well - and the charity ball always raised a lot of money to support those in need, which was the important thing. It didn’t help that Cora seemed just as bad as they started talking about details and working through ideas for the theme.
