by Lara Swann
I smiled as I twirled the keys around my fingers, feeling ridiculously happy.
My step had a lightness to it I wasn’t used to, and some stupid part of me felt like I was behaving like a silly teenager all over again. Or, since I’d never been one of those, perhaps for the first time.
Strange how some fiery eyed girl could do this to me, but for once in my life I wasn’t going to doubt and question. I was just going to take what was given to me and enjoy it.
My thoughts were cut off by the buzz of my phone and I flicked it up to see Dale on the ID. Frowning, I answered.
“What’s up, Chief?”
“It’s Ryan. He’s MIA.”
Chapter Twenty Two
Bella
I finally climbed to my feet after a lovely meal I’d eaten too much of, stretching and turning for the hall. My father and Cora were still seeing guests out, but I’d been excused from that duty and I felt more than ready for bed.
With the wedding less than a week away now, my father had wanted to have a small celebration with some of the neighbors first, which Cora had been very enthusiastic for. In truth, the evening had been pretty nice, but I couldn’t help the feeling of dread that was starting to come over me with every moment we moved closer to this wedding.
At least having Kaylee and her father here had made things easier for me - though the cheery man was looking a bit more hagged than usual, and didn’t quite have his usual humor.
I sighed.
Maybe it was just me. I probably wasn’t in the best of moods for socializing. I was feeling a half-panicked sense of urgency - that hadn’t been made any better by Kaylee’s meaningful glances all evening - and I wasn’t sure what to do. We needed to talk to my father, and soon.
But I hadn’t seen Seth for a couple of days now, after a terse message about an emergency back at base. It brought to life how these things would usually be - disappearances for months on end without explanations or end dates. But still - he wouldn’t have been deployed without letting me know, would he? The idea of him leaving for months now of all times had me jittery, but I couldn’t really believe it would be anything like that.
He loved me. He knew how important this was. He’d be back to tell my father with me soon.
“Annabelle.”
I looked up at my father’s voice, not having paid much attention as I’d moved towards the staircase. He nodded to one of the smaller drawing rooms and I followed him inside with a frown.
“Yes?”
He perched on the end of a desk in there and clasped his hands on the end of it as I stood by one of the warm leather couches.
“Kaylee mentioned I should ask you about Seth. What did you mean by that?”
Horror shot through me.
She didn’t!
She hadn’t!
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck.
I leaned back myself now, perching on the arm of the sofa and closing my eyes, as my father’s expression sharpened.
“Annabelle?”
This was not how I wanted to do this. I wanted Seth here with me. I wanted to have an argument, a plan, a structure.
I sure as hell did not want to have this conversation now. Alone.
Some friend, bitch. How the fuck could you do this to me?!
The anger was only a momentary distraction as the dread that had been building at the thought of the wedding overcame me. I was silent for a long moment, wondering what the hell to do, and there was some stupid part of me that still wanted to deny it all - to say I didn’t have a clue what she meant, even if my expression had given me away. To run away and not have to face this.
But that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted Seth. And I was damn well going to have him.
Letting that thought, and the strength of my desire and love for him, sustain me, I straightened and looked my father in the eye. He was frowning now.
“Seth and I. We wanted to tell you earlier, but…well, I guess we didn’t—”
“Tell me what earlier?”
I cleared my throat. Stupid nerves.
“Seth and I are seeing each other. We were in school and we are—”
“What?!”
His face was complete shock, and I braced myself for the lecture, for his disappointment, dismay, all of it.
“I’m sorry, dad. I honestly…wouldn’t have chosen this. But, we love—”
“Oh no! Don’t you dare!”
His voice was hard and clipped, one hand held up to stop me as he tried to gather whatever thoughts were circling in his mind. I waited, let him find whatever he was looking for. It would do no good to rush it all out, even though my heart was beating with an anxiety I don’t think I’d ever felt.
“You can’t be serious, Bella. Is this some sort of elaborate prank? Because, I tell you, it’s not funny—”
“No, I’m serious dad. Seth and I are together. We love each other. And I really hope it doesn’t cause too much diffi—”
“Difficulty?!”
His voice was a roar now, and I stood stunned. I’d rarely heard him raise his voice - and never like this.
“Cora and I are getting married. Next week! Are you seriously telling me you want to have a relationship with your stepbrother? What kind of twisted…”
I winced at the words, at the complete disgust in his expression, but I’d expected it.
“It’s not like that. We were together in school too, and then when we saw each other again—”
“You knew we were engaged!”
“Yes, we did. But…we couldn’t…”
It felt stupid now. We couldn’t help ourselves? We couldn’t resist?
Two idiotic children with no self-control.
But it wasn’t like that.
It wasn’t!
I wished Seth were here. He could explain it much better than me.
“Well you will now. It’s less than a week until my wedding and if you have any respect for me at all, you’ll end these idiotic notions now.”
Fuck.
But that was enough to have determination shooting through me again. Who cares how this started - I wasn’t going to end it. Whatever my father thought.
“I can’t, dad - I love him. You mean the world to me, but this started before Cora and you and we’re not going to end it just because you’re getting married. We’re in love.”
He finally let me get a sentence out, but it was only because he was sitting there with blank disbelief on his face. I hated what I saw there but I met his eyes and faced it. It sucked - so much - and I didn’t want to make things difficult for his wedding. But this was my life.
Maybe Kaylee was a bitch, but she was right about that. It was my life to live - even if that meant disappointing my father with my choices.
I was expecting an outburst of some sort, but of course he didn’t do that. He was still as he looked back at me, pure incomprehension in his expression.
“I don’t understand what’s happened, Annabelle - you used to be so sensible.”
The same thing I’d feared for so long - proving to him that all those little signs that I was irrational, emotional, were true.
It suddenly seemed laughable. He could think me completely ridiculous all he liked. I was happy this way.
It hurt to lose his good opinion, but I’d been trying for so long…and I’d never really felt like I had it. Surprisingly, that made things easier.
“No, father, I used to be repressed and unhappy. The things I feel with Seth are amazing, good things - and damn it, I deserve them. He makes me feel like I can do anything in the world - and he supports the things I want to do. If I want to study forensics, I can; if I want to—”
“You’re telling me all this is because I thought throwing your life into a limited career path was a bad idea?!”
His incredulity increased, and I ground my teeth at the way he completely missed the point.
“Of course it isn’t damn well about that! But I’m tired of living up to expectations I
can never meet. With Seth, I can just be happy.”
“And what are you going to do when he dies overseas, on some crazy mission that goes wrong?”
He snapped out at me, and I stared at him, my heart pounding in my chest from the strength of my feelings and the tension between us.
“What?!”
“How can you be so stupid, Annabelle? Even forgetting the shame and scandal you’re bringing upon Cora and I, since you evidently don’t care what I think - how could you go and choose a Navy guy?”
His voice was rising and to my shock, the anger and disbelief radiated off him, his fists clenching as he glared at me.
“I thought you respected the—”
“I do. For their sacrifice - not as a damned partner for my daughter. I lost everything when your mother died - everything. I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone. Instead, you’ve chosen someone who takes pride in inviting it day in and day out?! Why would you do that to yourself? You don’t have a clue what you’re doing, girl.”
I stared at him. I’d never seen him like this, and the force of his words suddenly hit home. The scandal, the outrage, I could deal with that.
But my mother? The pain and grief that were suddenly overwhelming? I didn’t have anything to say.
In truth, his fears were reflected in my heart, but I’d decided it didn’t matter - I wasn’t going to lose Seth to fear of something that might never happen.
I was already in too deep to let go, and even if I’d had the choice all over again, I don’t think I would have changed it. I’m not sure I could have. I’d been irresistibly pulled to him.
I loved him.
With every breath and beat of my heart.
“Dad, I—”
“Forget it. You clearly don’t have the ability to think this through.”
His bitter words cut me, but the injured stance as he walked away hurt more.
The last thing I’d wanted to do was remind him of that.
The last thing I’d wanted was any of this.
Except Seth. I wanted him more than anything I’d ever known.
I took a deep, shaky breath, trying to bring my raging heart under control and not burst into tears. I sunk into the deep leather couch and flicked my phone to life again. Still no messages.
Well, whatever was going on over there - this had to count as an emergency too, right?
Fingers hesitating over the keys as I wondered what I could possibly say to encompass everything that had just happened. In the end, I went with the simplest answer, sent the message and curled up in a ball, letting the sobs finally wash over me and wishing there was someone here to hold me.
Emergency here too - need to talk to you, urgently.
Chapter Twenty Three
Seth
I ran a hand over my face, closing my eyes for a moment as weariness and grief set in again.
The last few days had been hell.
Complete, unrelenting hell.
Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw his strong, certain face - and the anguish Becky didn’t even try to hide around us. Whenever the kids were around, sure, she acted like nothing was wrong. They’d probably picked up on something anyway, but at least there was a chance they wouldn’t have to deal with the continuous worry, the questions, the unrelenting thoughts.
But when her parents took them, or one of us carted them off on some new adventure - then she could act the way she felt. It was a release we all understood the need for, but it hurt like hell to see. To sit there and be able to do nothing as she raged against the world, or stared quietly off into her own private hell.
None of us knew what had happened - it was classified, and we couldn’t have told her anything if we’d known. We’d just got the news, which in itself meant it had been a few weeks at least. And the longer it was…
I pushed the thought out of my mind, but it was a half-hearted effort.
I’d thought the unrelenting cold, pain and difficulty of the battlefield had been bad. Now I knew it had nothing on this constant waiting, not knowing, and just seeing those around you suffer. At least down range, I could do something - act, fight, survive. Here, all that strength, that skill - all useless.
This was the first time it was someone I knew. The older guys, it was obvious from their pained, understanding expressions that they were no stranger to losing friends and brothers - or the endless torture of waiting to find out what had happened.
It had only been a few days, and I wasn’t sure when I’d start feeling like closure would be better than the hope for his return…but I understood the feeling now, where I never had before.
Bella’s messages had come at the worst possible time, her name flashing up as we were holding vigil with Becky - a heart-rending service to pray for Ryan’s return.
I’d been confident that the thought of Bella would be something to get me through the long, hard nights away - a light and hope that would drive me onward, pushing me to return to the home I’d never thought I’d have.
But this was something that made me dread the thought of her wild-eyed, fiery beauty.
I’d been trying not to see her face in my mind over the last few days - every time I did, Becky’s pain and grief would overlay it, and I was desperately trying not to think of her like that. Of what it would be like if it wasn’t Ryan who was missing in action, and wasn’t Becky waiting at home in forlorn hope. Of how she would deal with it if…
I cursed again and forced my attention back to the road. It seemed incredibly selfish to be thinking that way, but my heart had seized with a numbing anxiety over the last few days, and I couldn’t kill the feeling.
Her messages didn’t help - the last thing I needed was another emergency. Especially when I had a good idea what it was - that wedding was just around the corner.
But somehow, her father’s wrath didn’t seem such a big deal anymore. Being her stepbrother had always been a joke.
This wasn’t.
Those problems couldn’t compare to the weight that was now looming over us. Over me.
I can’t do that to her. I can’t.
I shut the truck off at a lay-by on the high coastal road, making my way down to the private beaches on foot as I stared out at the cold, relentless waves crashing against the shore.
She’d suggested meeting in that private alcove on the edge of her father’s property, presumably to avoid seeing him before we’d had a chance to catch up and discuss what we were going to say. It had been a good idea, but as I made my way over the soft sand, my steps shifting under me, all I could think about was the day we’d shared here before.
The laughter as I’d sprayed her with cream, which melted into soft moans of a need as desperate as the one pounding in me right now. I saw her form already there waiting as I approached, arms wrapped around herself despite the pleasant summer night.
It seemed an echo of the cold I felt buried deep inside, and I wished the relief and joy I felt at seeing her wasn’t overshadowed by the darkness of my thoughts the last few days.
The moment she saw me her face lit up, and she ran to me almost breathlessly, her arms wrapping around me as she held on tight.
The feel of her soft, perfect body in my arms made me groan and I returned the embrace, burying my head in her hair and inhaling her unique scent. The warmth of it wrapped around me, almost making things okay again, before the insistent image of Becky’s grief returned.
She took a step back, still grinning until she got a good look at me - then it faltered, and I wished so badly I could summon a smile to make it better again.
“God, Seth - you look like shit.”
Her hand cupped my cheek, caressing gently, and I caught it with my own, turning my face to kiss her palm before pressing it against me again.
“What—”
She hesitated, and I could read the question in her eyes - but this wasn’t confidential. I just didn’t want to tell her.
Sighing, I met her eyes and answered with a murmur.
“Ryan’s gone MIA.”
I saw the shock rip through her the same way it had me, and she fell into my arms, squeezing me tightly.
“Oh, fuck, I’m sorry.”
We just held each other for a moment, and I couldn’t say or do anything to break it. When her head turned up to look at me again, I couldn’t help myself - my mouth closed over hers. The kiss was soft for all of one moment, and then we were all over each other, the passion and emotions of the last few days overtaking us in a tidal wave as we held each other tightly and poured everything into that one deep contact.
We were breathing hard by the time we separated, and I never wanted to let her go again. I wished we could just disappear and forget the rest of the world.
“So…my dad found out.”
“I guessed. What happened?”
She frowned briefly, sighing as she answered.
“Kaylee told him.”
“She did what?!”
That woke me out of the daze I’d settled into, fury rolling through me.
“Yeah, I know - that was my reaction. She told him that he should ask me about you. But it’s alright, Seth, I’ve thought about it. And while I’m still pissed, we did need to tell him. At least this way, everything is finally out in the open.”
I wasn’t convinced, but at least Bella seemed alright, and it probably wasn’t the biggest concern here.
Just one of the endless problems we had.
Bella was holding her own though, and I wondered whether maybe her father had taken it better than we were expecting. Cupping her cheek, I kissed her gently again, unable to resist for long.
“You seem alright, baby - did the discussion with your father go okay?”
She gave a bitter laugh, pushing against me to look up into my eyes, the pain there making my heart clench as she shook her head.
“No. It didn’t. I’m not sure he’ll ever respect me again, Seth.”
She leaned her head against my chest as she spoke, but although her voice was tinged with regret and sadness, there was a quiet resolution there I hadn’t expected.
