by Sam Mariano
What was it he said about Mateo’s dad and the woman he loved who didn’t love him back? That he became her monster.
Is there some version of a future where Rafe Morelli is my monster? Not because he loves me, but because I won’t stop longing for someone else and his pride won’t have it?
I pull back, pushing my fingers through my own hair to get it out of my face. Looking down at Rafe, I consider what I could ask to find out who he is. What he’s capable of.
“Tell me something,” I begin, watching his face. “You loved Ben, right? He was your hero? Your family, your boss…”
“Yes, I get the picture. Is that the whole question?” he asks, knowing it isn’t.
“He was murdered, wasn’t he? Did you know beforehand that it was going to happen?”
He watches me for a moment like he’s capturing data. Like I’m a study he’s working on, or perhaps an opponent he needs to understand in order to defeat. “Yes, I knew,” he admits. “Sin knew, too, in case you’ve decided to start imposing moral filters on all your love interests.”
“You made it clear Sin can’t be my love interest,” I state, since it’s the boldest I can be right now. Any bolder than that and I would be afraid I’d be admitting to something, endangering Sin with my hastily spoken words.
“Yes, I did,” he replies, reaching up a hand to cradle my neck. At least, I think he’s going to cradle my neck, but instead he closes his fingers around it and in one swift motion, he throws me down and pins me to the bed. I gasp, not so much because he still has his fingers closed around my throat, but because this feels like verification that his peacefulness is equivalent to a slumbering lion, resting quietly before attacking his prey and ripping out its throat. I hold his gaze warily, my heart dropping when he cocks his head almost mockingly and asks, “And did you listen?”
“I haven’t done anything wrong,” I state. I keep my hands at my sides, refusing to even reach up and pry his hands off my neck. He isn’t applying any pressure, so there’s no urgent need to. I think he only wants to remind me of the power he could have over me, if only he deigned to reach out and grab it. How easily he could break me, if only he chose to.
Sin’s words flash to my mind, telling me breath play isn’t safe during pregnancy. It makes sense, but I’m not sure Rafe knows that. Now seems like both the right time and the worst possible time to mention it.
“Neither have I,” he says casually, like we’re two assholes accomplished at lying to one another. “But I’m much better at skirting that line than you are, kitten. See, I would never come home with lipstick rings around my dick because I have more respect for you than that. We’ll chalk it up to your inexperience, say you do respect me, you just suck at covering your tracks because you haven’t done much sketchy shit in your time, but allow me to critique your performance. Next time he gives you a hickey, make sure you put on some fucking concealer before you climb into my bed.”
Now fear leaps up within me, because I know exactly what he’s talking about. I didn’t catch it until I got home from lunch with Lydia, but when I got out of the shower, I realized Sin left a mark on my neck. I realize now, looking up at the controlled anger in Rafe’s eyes, I have to lie. I don’t like to lie, I’m not good at it, but I need to lie, and I need to be damn good at it.
“You think… you think I…?”
“Don’t play innocent, Laurel. Don’t insult me more than you already have. When you get caught, at least have the balls to own it, otherwise you’re just a fucking pussy.”
“Rafe, he didn’t—we didn’t… Nothing happened.”
His eyebrows rise at the gall of my lie, and my stomach pitches. “No? He didn’t come to my house the other night to see you when I wasn’t here?”
Narrowing my eyes at him with righteous indignation I certainly don’t feel, I say, “Yes, he came over. Because I was swimming in a pool of tears and baby vomit, and I needed someone to help me. I asked you first, and you said no thanks.”
Rafe frowns. “What are you talking about?”
Now it’s the right time, so I reach up and pull his hands away from my throat. “I was babysitting Skylar.”
“Yes, I know that. Am I supposed to believe she gave you a hickey?”
Inspired, I crack a smile and laugh. “She might have. She’s a baby. They suck on things when they’re hungry. Their fingers, their toes. She tried to nurse on my poor sore boobs. She might have nibbled on my neck, I don’t remember. I was too overwhelmed. I was desperate. Sin came over and helped me clean up the mess; he took care of Skylar so I could go upstairs and take a shower. That’s it. Then he left.”
Frowning as if this information makes no sense, he says, “He came over and did all that, and left without fucking you?”
I nod my head. “Sure did. I don’t know if you know this about Sin, but he’s a man with a lot of self-control. Even being the sexy siren covered in baby vomit that I was, he managed to resist me.”
Instead of taking my joke bait, his eyes narrow again. “Has he ever fucked you?”
Swallowing down the lump of unpleasantness suddenly in my throat, I shake my head. “No.”
He frowns, like I’ve just confounded him. “How is that possible?”
I shrug, at least sincerely in that. “I don’t know. He’s a mystery.” Seeing an opportunity to make Sin look good, I drop my gaze. “I think it had something to do with you. He said he didn’t feel badly about being with me after the way you treated me the night I told you I was pregnant, but I’m not sure it proved true. I think maybe his loyalty to you got in the way. He couldn’t be with me fully knowing you wanted me.”
Rafe looks at the wall as he weighs this information. “That could be true. Sin is loyal as hell. Or that was my belief, until I thought he fucked you behind my back.”
“He didn’t,” I offer quickly, shaking my head. “He really didn’t. I swear. I’d say you could ask Skylar, but… well, she can’t talk yet.”
Smiling faintly, he looks down at me and sighs. “I’m gonna have to embrace my crazier roots and get better security on my house.”
“Or you could just trust me,” I suggest, guilt piercing my soul even as I say it.
“Trust is for lovesick schoolgirls and mindless idiots, kitten. I’m neither.”
“That’s a sad thing to believe. I hope you don’t mean that.” I don’t want to be the reason he feels that way, either. I know I’m not the one who planted that seed, but I have probably watered it. I don’t know how to stop. If we were actually together, I would have to be faithful because I’m certainly no cheater; I wouldn’t hurt someone that way, but I don’t foresee a future where I can turn my feelings for Sin off, either. That means I can’t see a future where I ever fully commit to Rafe. I can keep fighting my feelings, but I’m not doing a great job so far, and why bother? Even when Sin stays away for a while and I can focus on Rafe, as soon as Sin comes back, whatever progress was made washes away the second Sin’s eyes meet mine.
I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to keep doing this. I don’t want to be the one who breaks up this non-relationship because I don’t know how he’ll react, but I don’t want to actually hurt him. I didn’t even think I could. Honestly, I didn’t think I mattered to him enough for that.
“Tell me something,” I begin. “If you feel this way, why are we doing this? If you have felt for days like you couldn’t trust me, if you have spent all this time thinking I slept with someone else behind your back, why keep up the pretense? Why not just confront me and end whatever it is we’re doing here?”
“There is no end to this, Laurel. This isn’t a relationship. It’s bigger than that. You’re not some sub I got sick of, you’re the woman I impregnated. I’m not just going to kick you out because we aren’t making each other happy.”
I blink at him. “If we’re not making each other happy, then… maybe it’s because we aren’t right for each other. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either one of us, there’s
no villain here, we are just two people who had a really great hook-up, and maybe that’s where it was supposed to end. Obviously I care about you and you care about me, and nothing will change that. We’re bonded, but… that doesn’t necessarily mean we have to be together. I don’t want to be your Lydia. I don’t want to be your domestic dumping ground, the thing you have to deal with at the end of the day because of some archaic bullshit. I don’t want to make you unhappy, but I’m not going to spend the rest of my own life unhappy to stay in a lukewarm relationship, either. I’m no martyr. I’m some girl you knocked up by accident. I know we like each other, I know we’re attracted to each other, but whatever the reason, this thing is not taking off. Maybe it’s time we call it. We don’t owe each other a relationship, Rafe. We’re not doing anything wrong by giving up and moving on.”
“Morelli men don’t divorce, kitten. Especially bosses.”
“Okay, but we aren’t married. We aren’t even boyfriend and girlfriend. We are that level of relationship where when you’re forced to make an introduction to someone, you’re like, ‘this is Laurel, my—’ And then you fake cough to keep from having to figure out what the hell to call me.”
“That’s not true; I introduced you in Chicago as my girlfriend. Or Mia did. Same difference.”
“Not really, and that was without my agreement. Since then, we have taken no steps in the direction of boyfriend-girlfriend classification, let alone marriage.”
“I didn’t mean it like that, I meant…” Apparently no longer needing to pin me down, he rolls off me and back into his spot. “You know why the men in my family don’t divorce?”
“Nope, but I bet it’s a crazy reason. Your family is fucking nuts.”
Rafe smiles. “It’s not, actually, it’s a sensible one. The idea is, if a man can’t even run his own household, how the hell is he supposed to run this whole family? You can’t have confidence a man is a good leader if he can’t even keep his wife in hand.”
Groaning, I cover my face with my hands. “How? How did I get mixed up in a family of such sexist caveman psychos?”
Ignoring me, he goes on. “Now, I’m not saying I would kill you before I’d let you leave, but there are multiple men in my family who have found that a more suitable alternative than being made to look like an asshole to the rest of the family. I’m new to this position. It’s weird timing to have to deal with a budding relationship to begin with, but for me to finally knock someone up and not be able to hang onto her? To actively try, and to lose her to my enforcer? I can’t have that, Laurel. I’m sorry if it makes me sound like a prick, but there’s a way of doing things, and appearances do matter. At least for right now, I need you to stick it out. I’m not saying forever, but I can’t let you out of this right now. You have no idea how hard it has been to hold onto this power, how many of my own men I’ve had to eliminate or start looking at twice, wondering if I’m right to trust them. And now, yeah, Sin is one of them. He was my hammer when I took over. He was someone I knew had my back, and then you happened, and now I don’t know anything anymore. He’s willing to turn on me over some girl he didn’t even fuck. What the hell is that?”
“He has not turned on you, Rafe. He hasn’t. He didn’t fuck me and he has not turned on you. Don’t start looking at your friends and seeing enemies.”
“This boss job is no joke. It changes everything. Nobody is the same now as they were before, not even me.”
He clearly needs someone, and even though I know I am not the one for him, I’m the only one here right now. So, I snuggle up beside him and wrap my arm around him. “I’m sorry it’s harder than you thought it would be. Don’t let me come between you and Sin, though. Every time he talks to me, he makes sure to remind me he only cares because I’m one of your ‘interests.’ Sin has not turned on you. He would never do that. He is loyal to you, so don’t fuck it up over me.”
Wrapping his arm around me, he watches me. “Would you tell me if that changed?”
“What?” I ask, hesitantly.
“If he turns on me, you’ll likely find out before I do.”
“Rafe, he’s not going to turn on you.”
“Humor me,” he says, apparently relentless in this. “If it comes down to picking sides, I need to know you’ll be on mine.”
This conversation is making my stomach hurt. “It won’t come down to that. You two are on the same side.”
With a faint smile, he nods. “It’s his side, then. All right.”
“No—I didn’t say that.”
“Sure you did,” he answers. “It’s fine. Go to sleep.”
My stomach twists with anxiety as I imagine the possible ramifications of him holding such a belief. “Rafe, come on… I don’t like this.”
Instead of pushing me away like Sin would, Rafe’s arm tightens around me. “You’re right. It won’t come down to that. I appreciate your honesty.”
“I did not say I would take Sin’s side over yours.”
Instead of wasting his breath arguing with me, Rafe leans over, gives me a kiss, and closes his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. Our relationship isn’t where it needs to be yet. I knew that, it was just a nice thought. Don’t lose sleep over it. Goodnight, kitten.”
28
Sin
I have irons in the fire all over town today. Making Rafe’s love life my pet project was a bad idea for my sleep schedule. There are too many fucking girls to keep track of. I’ve blown Marlena off enough times that she has stopped texting me, so that’s one less pain in the ass I have to deal with. Much easier to just check in on her with the bugs. Eventually she was going to pounce on me, and it would have been hard to explain why I kept coming over if I didn’t want to fuck her. I can’t keep an eye on her outside of the apartment, but that she hasn’t done anything sketchy while she’s home alone—not one phone call—makes me think maybe she isn’t that kind of problem. I still think Rafe was attracted to her, but I can’t put them together, so at least he seems to be keeping his distance.
Since Rafe and I are taking a little break from one another right now, I’m defaulting back to my old routine and checking in with Gio rather than Rafe. I don’t like what that could mean. I’m going to have to make time to meet him out one of these nights. I’ve been so busy keeping an eye on Cassandra and Marlena, I haven’t had a few hours to waste at the club with him in the evenings. He might start taking that personally, and I don’t want that headache.
When I roll up to Gio’s, Lydia is the one who answers the door. The baby is on her shoulder, dressed in a bright teal sweatshirt and pants.
Lydia lets me inside, yammering on about how I need to walk carefully because the maid just waxed the floors, and how she told the maid never to wax the floors in the morning—on and on about these fucking floors.
I’m not paying attention to her, so I am caught completely off guard when the baby is thrust into my hands.
“You’re a lifesaver, Sin. Thank you. How you’re single, I don’t know.”
“Wait, what?” What did I just agree to? The baby smiles like she remembers me and since I have her on my chest, in reach of my face, her tiny hand hooks my lower lip and she grins at me. “Oh, you caught me, did you? Better women than you have tried, shortcake, sorry to break the news.” Detaching her hand from my mouth, I follow Lydia into the other room. “Why am I holding your baby?”
“I told you, it’s just for a minute. I’ve been asking Gio to come out of that office and watch her, but you know how he is.”
That’s still not a reason, but she’s already waving me off, rolling her eyes, and heading upstairs.
Skylar’s little head bobs and she touches my face again, staring at me like she’s inspecting my cheek. At least she’s not covered in spit-up this time, I guess. “Well, shit,” I tell her. “Now what? Should we go see your daddy?”
She can’t talk yet, so she just makes a grunt-like noise and squeezes my nose.
I have the damndest urge to take a picture to send to Laur
el, but that would be mean. Still, she’d get a kick out of this baby man-handling me.
My thoughts drift to what it’d be like to have lazy days with Laurel and her baby. All babies like me, so I know hers would. Plus I’d be around from the start, so he or she would see me like its father, even with Rafe around.
I don’t know if Rafe has it in him to be a good dad. Or a good husband. When I initially decided to hand deliver Laurel to him, I didn’t know her, didn’t care about her happiness. She was a pregnant parcel that needed to be delivered to my thick-headed boss, and I was just going to keep an eye on it until he was ready for her. Whatever their relationship was like beyond that shouldn’t have mattered to me.
But then Laurel was Laurel, and now here we are. Me, with two hours of sleep on baby duty, having fucking daydreams about this baby being ours. Hers. I don’t know. Skylar is so fucking cute, she makes me hurt. I don’t know how I, of all people, have ended up babysitting this kid twice now. I like being the guy no one bothers.
Skylar smacks me in the face.
I level an unimpressed look at her and she gives me a big gummy grin. “You’ve got spunk, shortcake. You should’ve picked better parents. These two are gonna ruin you.”
Her response is just drool. A river of drool down her tiny little chin. At least she’s happy. I wish she’d been in a mood like this when Laurel babysat her. The last thing she needs right now is anything that makes her doubt her parenting abilities.
“Yeah, I guess you can’t pick your parents, huh?”
Since I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with her or how long until Lydia comes back for her, I head to Gio’s study. I rap my knuckles on the door once and he calls for me to come in.
