The Sidekicks Initiative

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The Sidekicks Initiative Page 34

by Barry J. Hutchison


  Robbie Smith - Vaporized

  Martin Carter - Speared up the anus

  Richard McAllister - Lava in eyes

  Jackie Skidmore - Head swapped with dog

  Boo Skidmore (dog) - Head swapped with owner

  Chris Picken - Head twisted off

  Lucy Martin - Ants. Lots of ants

  Jeff Mychalchyk - Cleaved in half

  Angela Crossley - Pickled in vinegar

  Luke Brook - Buried alive

  Lindy Pinckney Felder - Nazi wasps

  Akbar Esfahani - Nazi bears

  Austin Larocque - Nazi octopus

  Claire Christie - “Nundroid” robot nun

  Chris Hurden - Heavily sat on

  Jeremy Stokely - Head imploded

  Andrew Nicholls - Suffocated in Outer Space

  Antony Evans - Gremlin things

  Ian Turner - Hitler clones

  John Thurmond - More Hitler clones

  Emma Porter - 13th Century German Wizard

  Iain Sutherland - A big fright

  Claire Oxborough - Fired out of cannon

  Ben William - Hit by Claire Oxborough

  Caz Stanford - Partially inflated

  Chris Green - Suffocated in Outer Space

  April Wilcox - Turned to dough

  Jeff Hollingsworth - Lost in time

  Jason McMarrow - Covered in bees

  Ken Hulme - Explosive diarrhea

  Paul Smith - Vaporized

  Nancy Lynch Gibson - Acid bath

  Ben Miller - Diced by metal net

  Graeme Simpson - German sausage

  Kathryn Simpson - Drowned in own urine

  Anna Beack - Violently folded

  Justin Freeman - Tickled

  Antony Garlick - Spit-roasted

  Mark Blackburn - Disemboweled

  James Taylor - Brain inverted

  Michael Godwin - Nazi geese

  Hunter Harbert - Loneliness

  John Blair - A scary witch

  Warren Whitley - Punched repeatedly in balls

  Bryan T. Taureck - Consumed

  Les Fulbrook - Axes. A lot of axes

  Tami Yee - Nazi dinosaur

  Ben Lea - Regular dinosaur

  Esther Lea - Sandwiched between glass

  Marcus Madden - Swatted

  John Trewick - Blotted

  Andrew Dyer - Drowned in quicksand

  James Grey - Carried off by birds

  Pete Nicholls - Chained to rocket

  Natalie Nicholls - Chained to different rocket

  Scott Sherman - Nazi sheep

  Dawn Ward - Crucifixion

  William Ward - Assorted bread products

  Bill Beyer - Glockenspiel

  Colin Mclay - Bludgeoned by pretzel

  Lee Milnes - A big fire

  Sarah Kernan - Nazi penguins

  Adalee Schuster - Hit by clock

  Brett Bushman - Nipple twister

  Grayson Daniel - Weird smell

  Trevor Sexton - Sexed on

  Chris Tedder - Turned inside-out

  Marty Elliott - Lightly poached

  Paddy Healey - Rope burns

  Stu Rusk - General neglect

  Andy Mac - Lost in maze

  Lora Hannigan McLaughlin - Nazi chickens

  Eve Nixon - A big monster

  Marcus Rayner - Mutated by slime

  Stephen Waldram - You don’t want to know

  Alan Mascall - Head-swapped

  Tracy Mascall - Head-swapped

  Brenda Gregory - Laughed to death

  Kelly Seeley - Chronic embarrassment

  Devin Seeley - Licked out of existence

  Mac Waygood - Space kittens

  Hudson Mack Cagle - Nazi space kittens

  Scuba Steve Conant - Fired into the sun

  Joseph Kawalec - Covered in butter

  Mark Denson - Ignored

  Julian Cheal - Suffocated in Outer Space

  Hanna Elizabeth - Stray apostrophe

  Debbie Durr - Unraveled

  Danielle Knight - Just plain murdered

  James Richard Tyrrell - Organs harvested

  Scott Evans - Trapped at Earth’s core

  Geoff Evans - Prolonged crucifixion

  Stuart Walker - Spiralized

  Cindy Watkins - Angry robots

  Lynnette Buhrman - A big brute of a man

  Mike Barry - Sentient mustache

  Karl Binder - Demonic possession

  Tina Stowe - Pitchfork somewhere unpleasant

  Shawn Dvorak - Crushed by accordion

  J. Barrett Kane - Tom Selleck

  Chris Kane - Organs harvested

  Jesse Kane - Brain sucked out

  Benjamin Kane - Buried in laundry

  Jake Kane - Steam-ironed

  Kelly O’Donnell - Gored by rhino

  Marcus Alexander Hart - Molested by rhino (not the same rhino)

  Kathleen Guilbeault - Nazi swan

  Donny Oswald - Encased in concrete

  Paul Agnew - Nuclear hat

  The GeriTones - The hottest fire known to man

  Joey Fatone - Nazi puppets

  Connor Radtke - Deveined

  Bob Cotter - Thumbs through eye sockets

  Jackie Phipps - Dropped from a tremendous height

  Tony Diperna - Dropped from an equally tremendous height

  Tracey Weatherilt - Angry birds (not the game)

  Jim Fleming - Evil dance-off

  Deb Perkins - Horny pterodactyl

  Mark Telford - Kicked by multiple horses

  Rigel Meketa - Boiled in jelly

  Bob Smith - Nazi mongoose

  Charlie Dickie - Roughly manhandled

  Mickey Lasky - Poorly treated

  Lord Walter Lenz III - Vomited inside-out

  Thomas Hernandez - Strangled with own entrails

  Paul Danher - Shot 700 times

  Dean Clark - Stage fright

  Kim Worley - Punched through a wall

  Heather Elizabeth Stone - Shoved off a roof

  Sharon Bye - Crushed by giant pen

  Keven Bye - Drowned in giant ink bottle

  Mike Stone - Nazi marmot

  Ozzie Lane - The Brown Death

  Tom Tennille - Erratic dissection

  Steven Slutsky - Covered in wax

  Ross Slutsky - Shaved to the bone

  Tom Blackerby - Meat grinder

  Jeff Rosati - Gradually lowered into tar

  Syed Shahrukh Hasan - Ruined by ducks

  George McConnon - So much fire

  Rob Olson - Several lasers

  Nick Schult - Shat on by monsters

  Jennifer Schult - Something unpleasant

  Isaac Cowell - Sentient bread

  Greg Parlmer - Cyborgs (not robots)

  Victoria Bailey - Forced alcohol poisoning

  Caleb Richardson - Thinly sliced

  Peter Kingsbury - Slowly beheaded

  Nathaniel West - Repeatedly twisted

  Don Berry - Smeared liberally

  Steven Berry - Nazi mice

  David Wilkinson - Rectal insertions

  Corey Lindsey - Tied to train tracks

  Susan A Wallace - Tied to train

  Mike W. Duncan - Whittled away

  Glen Blagg - Long overlooked

  Linda Frydl - Brain-smashed

  Mike Frydl - Gut-munched

  Rick Moore - The French

  Patrick Giallombardo - Run up a flagpole

  Jonathan Mack - Robo-Hitler

  Michelle Bird - Ghost Hitler

  Alex Sime - Alien Hitler

  Scott Schoba - Alternate Reality Hitler

  Simon Nichols - Hitler tribute act

  Angela Nichols - Actual Hitler

  Gordon Keller - High speed spin cycle

  Vicki Sue Jones - Nazi sparrows

  Desmond Armstrong - Implosion

  Leela Armstrong - Teeny tiny men

  Scott Jenner - Eaten by giant

  Digby Reardon - Buttons

  B
uck Rogers - Sent to the distant future

  Jenny Stoker - Died on a poker

  Megs Long - Substantially shortened

  Jamie Moriarty Thomson - A huge fucking snake

  Gloria Jean Minnick - Miniaturized

  Darcey Adamson - Large Hadron Collider

  Sharon Roop - Distilled in vinegar

  Rupert Doggsbottom - Thigh-slapped

  Steve Dias - Disassembled

  Leslie Vorhees - Aged prematurely

  Alison Dishinger - Crocodile infested swamp

  Jacob Brotbeck - An assortment of power tools

  Jeff Goddard - One particular power tool

  Andy Quickel - Deatomized

  Colonel (Rtd) Jon Byrom - Buried in desert

  Chris Henderson - Violently exfoliated

  BioBob Henderson - Choked on cat

  Roy Smith - Vaporized

  Angela Weiner - Nazi woodlouse

  Allen Lee - Mutant scorpions

  Mary Margaret Devine - Nibbled by fish

  Leslie Devine - A lot of frogs

  Joe Bew - Hung, drawn, and quartered

  Michelle Bew - Hung, drawn, quartered, and eighthed

  Brandon Lam - Struck by lightning

  Amy Clawson - Vending machine incident

  Allen Molthan - Molthan Lava (see what I did there?)

  Gary Turner - Halved by window

  Francesca Knibbs - Firmly compressed

  James Lee - Filled with sauerkraut

  Ewan Lind - Sandblasted

  Valerie Granger - Grabbed by a stranger

  Deb & Stu Aitken - Toxic confetti

  Rick Barrett - Nazi squirrel

  Jack Barrett - Choked on nuts

  Diana Giles - Sea serpent

  Andy Seaton - Electric tornado

  Vince Erceg - Leeches. So many leeches

  Fabian J Valdes - Head-popping ray gun

  Mark Sidanycz - A giant whisk

  Adam Goldstein - A well-timed kick

  Perry G. Fergin - Peregrine Falcon

  Carol Gleeson - Parasite bugs

  Malcolm Winn - Spider-dragon

  Tom Hall - A bouncy ball

  Christina Heine - Furious demi-god

  Mojo Flucke, PhD - Hammond Organ

  Rick Lambright - Nazi slugs

  John Berryman - Rolling stones (not the band)

  Joe Mulini - Glued to Washington Monument

  Stacy Harper Watson - Sentient kitchen utensils

  Quinn Watson - Sentient kitchen utensils

  Jesse Watson - Sentient kitchen utensils

  Olivia Watson - Tripped and fell. While fleeing sentient kitchen utensils.

  Christopher Cicia - Sucked into television

  Karen McAdam - Shoved in a fridge

  Ryan Frazer - Multiple wormholes

  Richard Womble - The Bulgarians

  Don Sarginson - Forced strenuous exercise

  U’i Lani Womble - Hypnotic suggestion

  Jessica Smith - Torso removed

  Graham Basden - Psychic dwarf

  Richard Walpole - Magically induced constipation

  Len Pearce - Overly effective love potion

  Natalie Cleary - Evil shoes

  David and Isobel Nurse - Smashed together

  Mark Harwood - Pushed off bridge

  James Mansell - Turned into ape

  Estelle McNeill - Radioactive piercings

  Garry Ferguson - Strangled by g-string (guitar)

  Sherrill Neese - Stranged by g-string (not guitar)

  Suzanne Ehrhardt - Chemical weapon disguised as adorable puppy

  Rowan Kerwin - Adorable puppy

  Ann Jackson - Several whales

  Simon Bennett - Expertly aimed cucumber

  Dave Rowlinson - Giant darts

  Sharon Peters - Nazi goldfish

  Tony Danza - Baked in foil

  Hans Heussler - Too many sausages

  Andrew Edmonds - A scary clown

  Marge Pala - Whipped by lederhosen

  Dave Fosbinder - Danced to death

  Ashleigh Fosbinder - Embarrassment at above

  Avery Fosbinder - Shame

  Noah Fosbinder - Laughter

  Broadus D. Weatherall - Turned to cheese

  Charlene Lock P. - Soul torn asunder by folklore demons

  Jacqui Ball Licht - Fell over

  David L. Crooks, Jr. - Floated away

  David L. Crooks, III - Cut into thirds

  Lexa CrooksA - huge sheep

  Barbara Crooks - A slightly less huge, albeit still massive sheep

  Steve Collins - Vomited himself up

  Ann Duff - Cheese grater

  Samatha Cooper - Stretched

  Athena Crooks - Compressed

  Persephone Crooks - Innards made into balloon animals

  Sasha Smith - Neck removed

  Mark Bright - Brains removed through rectum

  Steve Bright - Force-fed great literature

  AUTHOR’S NOTES

  Hey there, you! So, you’ve made it to the end of my longest novel to date. Well done. I hope it wasn’t too hard-going for you, and that you can now tell your Beef Chief from your Captain Handstand.

  As well as being my longest novel so far, this was also my first book for adults that isn’t directly connected to Space Team, or set within the Space Team Universe. If you haven’t checked that series out yet, by the way, you definitely should. It’s a lot like the nonsense you just read, but in space. Space nonsense.

  Since I had your attention, I thought I’d explain why I decided to write about superheroes. To do that, I have to jump back a bit to when I was around six or seven years old, and had zero interest in books. Seriously, I couldn’t stand ‘em. All those words? No thanks.

  What I did love, though, was comics. I couldn’t get enough of those. Living in a remote part of the UK, there wasn’t a lot of choice, comic-wise, but every week I’d devour as many of the British titles as I could – The Beano, The Dandy, Whizzer & Chips – to name but a few you’ve probably never heard of.

  I didn’t literally devour them, incidentally. That would’ve been madness.

  Anyway, each issue was made up of maybe a dozen different stories featuring that comic’s regular characters. They were all short, funny, set-up and punchline type strips, running one or two pages long.

  And I couldn’t get enough of them.

  Someone who didn’t approve of comics, though? My teacher. She hated them. And, as a result, she didn’t particularly like me, either.

  One day, when I was around 7, my class was taken to the small local village library, where we met the new librarian. She’d be in the job a few months, but this was the first time we’d properly met her. She was keen to know what we liked to read, so our teacher made us stand up one by one to talk about the books we most enjoyed.

  She left me for last. Once everyone else had said the type of books they liked, they were directed to the relevant section, so by the end it was just me, my teacher, and the librarian, Mrs Macallister.

  “Tell Mrs Macallister what you like to read, Barry,” my teacher said, practically sneering at me.

  I stood up, feeling the weight of their gazes on me. I shuffled awkwardly, my head down.

  “Comics,” I mumbled.

  “Louder.”

  “Comics,” I said. “I… I like comics.”

  My teacher rolled her eyes and tutted. Mrs Macallister clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth a few times. “Comics?”

  “I know!” shrieked my teacher. “Comics.”

  Mrs Macallister raised a finger. “Wait there,” she said, then she vanished into the back store.

  My heart began to race. What was she looking for? Was she off to fetch some sort of horrible torture device with which to punish me? Was she going to bring some other librarians out of hiding so they could all point and laugh at me?

  She emerged a minute later, staggering under the weight of a cardboard box. With some effort, she deposited it at my feet.

 
; “There you go,” she said.

  Cautiously, I opened the lid, still expecting some horrible trauma to befall me.

  Instead, I came face to face with Spider-Man.

  I’d heard about Spider-Man, of course, but I’d never seen one of his actual comics before. US comics never really made it as far of the Highlands of Scotland at that time, as far as I knew, and yet here one was, sitting in front of me.

  I remember the feeling vividly, like an electric shock, as I saw that comic. It imprinted itself so vividly that when I spotted the exact issue for sale in a comic shop almost thirty years later – The Amazing Spider-Man #245, in case you were wondering – I recognized it immediately, and bought it for my collection. The comic that started it all.

  There were over 200 comics in that box, and Mrs Macallister let me come to the library every day to read them. Through the box I lived adventures alongside Superman, Batman, the Hulk, Captain America and, of course, Spidey himself.

  By the time I’d read them all, Mrs Macallister had single-handedly also managed to convert me into a reader of books. She was responsible for the first book I ever wrote, aged 9, too. But those are stories for another time.

  Nowadays, I’m lucky enough to write comics, and have written for everything from The Beano, the comic that first hooked me even before that fateful library trip, to SuperMansion, based on the Bryan Cranston and Chris Pine-starring animated series. I’m even working on a Space Team comic series, which I plan to bring out at the tail end of 2018.

  The Sidekicks Initiative is, I suppose, my love letter to comics, celebrating the lunacy and absurdity of the various comic book characters and the universes they inhabit. If you had half as much fun reading it as I had writing it, then I’ll be happy.

  If you enjoyed it, I’d really appreciate you leaving the book a review. If you really enjoyed it, you might want to consider telling your friends about it, getting the logo tattooed on your face or supporting me on Patreon in return for various goodies.

  If you hated it, then sorry for wasting your time, but respect for sticking it out all the way to the end. You’re made of stern stuff. I’m proud of you.

  Until next time.

  Best space wishes,

  Barry J. Hutchison

  Your Free Starter Library

  Looking for more reading material? I’ve got your covered. Just click here or on the the image on the left to download an exclusive starter library featuring 3 short stories including Space Team: The Holiday Special and a Doctor Who story I wrote for a charity anthology.

  One final thing…

  Got a spare few minutes? I’d really appreciate it if you could leave me a review. Reviews help other lovely readers like you discover the book, which in turns helps keep my children clothed and fed.

 

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