by Lesley Crewe
The entire crew gawks at her while Brian captures every painful moment. Austin looks stunned and Becky’s jaw drops.
“You’re a guy? Are you kidding me? We share a room!”
“Surprise!” Tracy shrugs. “Fooled you.”
Amanda smacks her hands together. “This is genius. We have a hit on our hands.”
Austin shakes his head at Tracy. “Did you think I wouldn’t eventually find out?”
“It’s the journey I wanted to go on, not the destination.”
“What does that even mean?” I shout at him. “You lied to everyone.”
“Sorry, but being a dame was on my ‘fuck it’ list. I’m ever so pleased with myself if that’s any consolation.”
Have you ever been on a cable car with people who aren’t talking to each other?
Tracy is sent home with his penis between his legs.
“I can spot a drag queen a mile away,” Trey tells me. “He was good.”
Amanda and I are on her bed that night sharing a box of chocolates, but she’s eating two to my one.
“I have to stop eating and exercise,” she says.
“Do ten push-ups right now.”
“You do them with me.”
We lie on the carpet in front of our beds.
“Okay, go.”
“One…two…”
“One…”
We collapse in a heap.
“This is ridiculous.” Amanda crawls back up on her bed and faces the mirror. “Look at this gut.” She jiggles her belly fat.
“You’ve had two babies.”
“And a week’s worth of your food in two days.”
I manage to scramble back onto my mattress. “I’m firing you from the food job. It’s my responsibility, not yours.”
Amanda drops backwards onto the bed. “I miss my kids. I miss Jason.”
“That must be a nice feeling.”
“It’s not. It’s a horrible feeling, like your guts are missing, or your right arm is gone.”
“Still, you know they’re going to be there when you get home.”
She turns over on her side to face me. “I know I’m a nag, but you should put as much effort into finding a mate as you do your career.”
“Who gets married at twenty-five anymore? That’s ludicrous.”
“I don’t want you to get married. Just find someone to spend time with. What if you choked on a grape at home? There would be no one to save you.”
“Aunt Ollie and Gramps are next door.”
“I’m sorry, Chloe, but your relatives are not dependable. Aunt Ollie would yell, ‘Your face is turning blue and you’ll never find a man looking like that!’”
We start laughing and can’t stop, each of us snorting in turn, which makes us howl even harder. Tears fall down my cheeks as Amanda kicks her feet in the air. The two of us roll around like banshees. I can’t remember when I had this much fun.
We’re completely spent by the time we regain our composure, each of us panting and sweaty.
Amanda fans her face. “That, my dear, was better than sex.”
“I wouldn’t know.”
She stops fanning her face and gives me an astonished look. “What?”
“Don’t judge me.”
“How is this possible?” She jumps out of bed and hugs me. “You dear little thing.”
“Hey! I’m your boss.”
“Stop rubbing it in. How can someone be so worldly and yet so innocent?”
“Who was I going to talk to about sex? Aunt Ollie?”
“Yes! She’s had warm and fuzzy feelings in her Mary-Ellen. Your mother died when you were fifteen. You never talked about sex before that?”
“She told me to go to the library. The books told me how to do it, not why.”
Amanda shakes her head and holds me by the shoulders. “The fact that you’re in charge of this show is hilarious. We have to hook you up.”
She cackles to herself as she heads to the bathroom to brush her teeth. I’m left to wonder why I blurted it out. It’s a secret I’ve been carrying for a long time.
The next day Austin, Sydney, Jocelyn, Lizette, Erin, and Rebecca are going zip-lining through some amazing scenery at Whistler. Sydney and Rebecca are not happy, but that’s par for the course. There’s not one activity we’ve done that hasn’t had someone in tears, but the point is Austin wants a woman who likes adventure, because he’s a big kid at heart.
Guys who live in front of their television sets playing video games don’t apply to shows like this.
I’m still a bit stunned that I told Amanda my deepest secret, but it’s freeing in a way. On the bus this morning she was very sympathetic.
“You’ve basically raised yourself, Chloe. You’re an anomaly.”
“Which is a nice way of saying I’m a freak.”
As the ladies wait for their turn on the zip-line, Lizette and Jocelyn are once again the gals with the most enthusiasm and determination. Rebecca is biting her nails to the quick, Erin yelps before she’s even in the harness, and Sydney is praying for salvation while she kisses the cross around her neck.
“It’s not that bad!” I reassure her.
“Then you do it!”
“Would that make you feel better?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Are you coming, Amanda?”
“Not on your life.”
The things I do for this show. The zip-line guys put me in the harness, and I stand on the platform surveying the treetops and deep valley I’ll glide into. It’s breathtaking. But I’m not stupid. I wish to get to the other side.
“Are you ready?”
When I nod, a staff member releases me and off I go, flying through empty space. The sound of the rope whizzing above my head reminds me of a giant angry bumblebee. I know I’m laughing but I can’t hear myself. I’m about halfway across when I realize I’m racing across this landscape faster than everyone else. My screams alert Austin and a worker waiting on the finish line deck.
Austin yells, “Slow down!”
Did anyone tell me how to slow down? I can’t remember. Frantically, I try to figure out what to do, but I draw a blank. Once again, my wish isn’t specific enough. I’ll get to the other side, but I may not be in one piece, so I keep hollering. It may be the last anyone hears from me.
The guys brace themselves to stop me before I smash into the equipment at the end. The only thing I remember is the look on Austin’s face as I hurtle towards him. When I slam into his chest, I instinctively wrap my arms and legs around him and hang on for dear life. I need a moment to realize I’m not dead.
“Are you okay?”
“No.” I hide my face in his shirt. “I’m humiliated. This didn’t happen to anyone else.”
“You go faster if you’re a lightweight,” the zip guy says.
“Your brochure didn’t mention warp speed.” I untangle myself from Austin’s embrace and try to regain my dignity. We hear Sydney before we see her and when she comes into view, she’s completely upside down. She’s going to kill me and herself.
That evening Austin lets go of Erin. She confesses that she’s relieved. “I’m missing home. I’m not a front-runner, so I’m leaving before it gets really painful.”
That evening in the hotel room I’m on the phone with Aunt Ollie getting my daily fix of kitten news when Amanda pantomimes hanging up.
“I have to go. I’ll be home in a couple of days. Love you.”
Aunt Ollie hangs up immediately, as always. It wouldn’t kill her to say goodbye to me first.
“Get dressed and come with me,” Amanda orders.
“I’m in my pyjamas.”
“It’s eight! Even my babies don’t go to bed this early.”
“Where are we going?”
“It�
�s a surprise.”
One of the town cars with the tinted windows waits at the hotel entrance. Amanda drags me by the arm and throws me inside. Jocelyn, Lizette, and Sydney are in the back.
“Surprise!”
Amanda slams the door shut behind me.
“What’s this?”
“I told the girls you’ve never gone to a male strip show and they thought that was a shame, so off we go! The more, the merrier!” She pops open a bottle of champagne.
By the time we get to the venue I’ve had two full glasses of bubbly and I’m feeling fine. We join a whole room full of women we’ve never met, who are pumped and ready to let it rip.
I’m astonished at what goes on but pretend otherwise. One of the guys pulls me out of my seat and makes me sit in a chair on the stage. He gyrates and throws off articles of clothing about six inches from my face. Talk about baptism by fire.
Amanda and the others urge me on, laughing at my predicament, so I laugh too, because Amanda is a pal and she’s arranged this so I’d loosen up, which is something I don’t do often. I slip some money in the guy’s G-string, which sets off another round of posturing by him and hoots from my friends.
My friends. That has a nice ring to it. By the time we head for home, I’m a weepy drunk who throws my arms around them and pledges undying love. We speed through the city singing at the top of our lungs while the driver makes exasperated faces in the rear-view mirror.
Amanda is as drunk as I am. “So who’s gonna win this thing?”
The girls throw up their hands shouting, “Me!”
My hand goes up. “Am I allowed?”
“NO!”
“Why not?”
“You’re a virgin!”
The laughter stops. Amanda throws both her hands over her mouth. The party’s over.
The minute we get to the hotel, I get out of the car and don’t look back. Amanda chases me through the lobby. The elevator doors close in her face. Once I’m in my room I deadbolt the door. When Amanda shows up and bangs on it, I completely ignore her.
“I’m sorry Chloe! You have to forgive me.”
After five minutes of begging to be let in, she wanders off. I don’t care where she sleeps, as long as it’s not with me. This is what it means to have a friend. They always let you down.
In the morning I leave a note for Trey saying I’m heading out a day earlier than planned and then take a taxi to the airport. Because it’s short notice, I can only get on a flight that has a long layover in Edmonton, but thankfully I sleep through most of the flight. By the time the taxi pulls up to my house, it’s late and Aunt Ollie’s windows are dark, so I don’t disturb them.
It’s such a relief to be home I don’t even mind my bedroom. “Hello, canopy bed…hello, black walls…did you miss me?”
The first thing I do is take a hot bubble bath to ease the tension that threatens to overwhelm me. Everything is quiet and peaceful as I close my eyes. Then the bathroom door slams open.
“Aaaah!!!”
Gramps is above me, holding a baseball bat, Aunt Ollie behind him with a rolling pin. She is furious.
“The water was running, we thought you were a burglar!”
“What are you doing here?” Gramps shouts.
“I came home a day early and didn’t want to wake you up.”
Gramps is breathing hard. “Next time call us.”
“Normally you don’t care what time I come home.”
“That’s when you’re in the city, not across Canada.”
My bubbles are fading fast. “I’m sorry! I won’t do it again. Can I have some privacy? I’ll be over in the morning.”
“That’s the thanks we get for thwarting a robbery,” Gramps complains.
Aunt Ollie nods. “Next time we’ll let them take everything.”
The two of them totter out.
“Could you shut the door, please?”
“Certainly, your highness.” The door slams shut.
“I love you guys!”
Silence.
This calls for more bubbles and hot water. I’m up to my chin in scented froth when it occurs to me that I’m not speaking to my work family and now my real family’s not speaking to me. So what does that add up to?
I need to change.
At midnight I raid the fridge, but there’s nothing in it. Thank goodness for crackers and peanut butter. Since I’ll be weighed in two days, I eat as many as I can. Sitting on the bed, I go through old photo albums. There are no pictures of my parents and I having fun together. We never went on vacations, and I always had to be quiet so I didn’t disturb them in their studies, which is why I never invited classmates over. I’m almost certain they loved each other more than me. So it’s okay that I don’t know much about love. I can teach myself, like I do with everything. This is my new mission. I’m tired of feeling like an outsider.
In the morning I go next door and kiss my relatives several times, tell them I love them and I won’t scare them like that again. They’re appeased. We spend the entire day playing with Norton and the crew and then I order Chinese food, hoping the sodium will swell my body so I’ll be bloated at the doctor’s office.
The sodium doesn’t do the job. Dr. McDermott is annoyed. “You’ve gained two pounds in two weeks. That’s not enough. Your iron is low, you’re practically anaemic. You’re not bingeing and purging, are you?”
“Of course not! I’d never do that when so many people in this world are starving to death.”
“Look at the black circles under your eyes. Your schedule is interfering with this process. I insist you take a couple of weeks off.”
“I can’t!”
“You most certainly can, it’s doctor’s orders. Look, Chloe, not having a period for months on end at your age is not a good thing. You’re worrying your calories away. This television job is the worst thing you could be doing right now. It’s taking a toll on your health. So if your boss has a problem with that, you get him to call me.”
“This is a disaster.”
“No, the disaster is you getting very ill. I mean it. Two weeks off, and then come see me.”
I hop off the examining table. “Um…before I go, can you write me a prescription for birth control pills?”
He looks at me over his glasses. “Can we get your period back first?”
This kind of news has to be delivered first-hand, and I’m worried sick as I take the bus to the CBC. Waiting outside Mr. Gardner’s office is very uncomfortable. His secretary is annoyed that I’ve upset the delicate balance of her appointments.
Mr. Gardner opens the door of his office. “Come in, Chloe.”
“Thank you, sir.”
He indicates for me to take a seat. I break out in a cold sweat that makes it very clear I’m going to stick to this leather chair.
“How is everything going?”
“Fine, sir. We’re on budget, the crew is first rate. This Vancouver segment is going very well, absolutely breathtaking backgrounds that will impress the viewers.”
“Did you make the right choice of bachelor? How’s he doing?”
“Austin is wonderful. He always keeps his cool, which is sometimes difficult. The same can’t be said for some of the ladies, but they’re in a pressure-cooker situation and we have to make allowances.”
“Like finding out one of your ladies was a lad.”
“Even the psychiatrist missed that one.”
“No matter, it’ll make the show more interesting.”
“Mr. Gardner, I’m here today because I had my doctor’s appointment this morning.”
“I trust it went well?”
I’m aware I’m wringing my hands. “As a matter of fact, it didn’t. My doctor is worried about my health and has asked me to take two weeks off.”
“Two weeks?”
He leans forward and clasps his hands together on his desk blotter. “Obviously we’ll have to listen to your doctor. I’m assuming you’ll be available via cell and internet to stay abreast of what’s happening?”
“Oh, definitely. I’ll be in touch with Amanda and Trey every day. Don’t worry about that.”
He gets to his feet. “I certainly hope you feel better soon, my dear.”
I un-glue myself from the leather and shake his outstretched hand. “Thank you so much. I’m sorry to be such a bother.”
“No need. There’s an old saying…shit happens.”
Once I’m home in my pyjamas I call Amanda. The minute she hears me, her voice catches.
“I’m so sorry. That was something you told me in private, and I had no right to share it with anyone. I got drunk and carried away. Please forgive me.”
“Okay.”
“That’s it? You’re not going to call me a couple of rotten names?”
“No, because I can’t come back and you’re going to be left with all the work.”
“Seriously?”
“Dr. McDermott insists I take two weeks off. I tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn’t budge. I told Mr. Gardner this morning. I promised him I’d be in touch with you every day and I will.”
“Rats, it won’t be half as much fun without you here.”
“You and Trey can handle this, right?”
“Excuse me? I don’t think you’ll find me in the hospital every second day.”
“What’s happened since I’ve been gone?”
“Becca and Kate M. are the latest casualties. We pack up and head to Calgary in the morning.”
“I’m sorry I left you with this.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m grateful that we’re friends again.”
“Just know that the next time you see me, I’ll have sorted out my little problem.”
