Dizziness—not just from my own blood loss, but from Pandora’s tales of torture and death—rises up in me again. The painkilling tonic is beginning to wear off. Hysan seems to notice, because he rises to his feet and steadies me with his arm.
Mathias is still watching, and I whisper, “I’m sorry . . . I’m so sorry.” He turns away, facing the wall instead, and the renewed rejection is worse than anything Corinthe did or could do to me.
Hysan helps me out of the room, and the last thing I see is Pandora laying a consoling hand on Mathias’s shoulder. He doesn’t shirk her touch.
“This is a little too hard to believe, Hysan. I’m worried he’s an android,” I say as soon as we enter my cabin. “The master has sunk to an all-new low, using a Mathias look-alike to unnerve me.” Hysan helps me into bed and hands me a glass of water. “I’m not sure we can trust her either,” I go on. “She knows too much for a prisoner.”
But Hysan isn’t looking at me. He’s sitting at the far end of my bed staring at the wall. “Rho, Equinox does a full-body scan of every person who comes on board. She’s really an Aquarian teen believed to have died in the armada . . . and he’s really Mathias.”
He’s really Mathias. Those are the only words that linger in my mind after he’s spoken. He’s really Mathias. He’s alive.
Something savage and painful erupts in my chest. I gulp down the water to keep Hysan from seeing my face. The wave of relief spreads to every corner of my being, making even my stinging skin feel soft and sleepy. In spite of all the horrors . . . I’m happy.
I’m happy Mathias is alive.
I lie back on the mattress, and I feel myself falling, only I’m lying on the bed. Before Hysan can shut off the lights, I’m swallowed by darkness.
23
I WAKE UP MORE THAN twelve hours later, having slept for the first time since leaving Sagittarius. I wonder if Hysan diluted a sleeping powder in my water or if it was just that my brain couldn’t take another conscious second. I leave my room and join the others in the galley for a meal, unsure whether it’s lunch or dinner. I’m starting to get what Pandora meant about time feeling like a long, run-on sentence.
“Where are Mathias and Pandora?” I ask, not seeing places for them at the table.
“Eating in their room,” says Stanton, who’s sitting next to Aryll.
“So is Nishi,” says Hysan, arriving last. “I checked on her before injecting the Marad soldiers with nutrients.” It’s a way for healers to deliver food to patients who can’t eat. Hysan keeps stores of those needles on the ship in case of emergencies.
Once he sits, we dine on more of the sandwiches and spongy cakes Brynda’s staff packed for us. “How are you feeling, Rho?” asks Hysan.
“Much better. You, Stan?” I say, turning to my brother.
“Good.” He piles three sandwiches and two cakes on his plate. There are bandages on his chest and head where Corinthe beat him.
“And you, Aryll?” asks Hysan, who hasn’t reached for food yet. “You seem to be the only one who got by unscathed.”
“You mean besides you,” says Aryll, imitating Hysan’s pleasant manner.
“I was the one who rescued you,” says Hysan, correcting him. “What I don’t understand is why everyone else fought for their lives and you didn’t.”
“Hysan—” I start.
“Aryll had a gun pointed to his head, just like the rest of us,” snarls Stanton, his tone so even it’s almost icy. Aryll glares menacingly at Hysan but doesn’t defend himself.
“Excuse me. I just realized I’m not hungry after all.” Hysan gets up and leaves without eating.
Though I don’t follow him out, I’ve lost my appetite, too. Stanton, Aryll, and I don’t speak for the rest of the meal. After I’ve helped them clean up, I knock on Hysan’s door. Since Mathias and Pandora have been staying in his cabin, he’s taken the room farthest back and closest to the storage hold.
“Drop your war with Aryll,” I say as soon as he lets me in. “You’re wrong about him. He’s not what you think.”
I suck in a quick breath, and once he shuts the door, I say the rest in a rush. “Before I was born, when my brother was two, our mom foresaw a hurricane that would strike a neighboring island. She took Stanton with her to deliver resources to the community. He was small, and when he wriggled through a hole in the wreckage, he found an infant still alive. The baby was Aryll.”
Hysan doesn’t react, and I can’t read his expression. He’s either waiting to hear more, or he hasn’t heard a word.
“Do you hear how crazy that sounds?” he finally says.
“I believe him. Only four people know that story. Two of us are on this ship, two are dead.”
“It didn’t strike you as convenient when he decided to divulge this to you days ago, and not when you first met?”
“Actually, he told Stanton back on Gemini.”
“Did Stanton tell you that, or did Aryll?”
“Aryll, but—”
Hysan shakes his head. “Rho, he’s not trustworthy. Can’t you see—”
“All I see is you taking your frustration with us out on Aryll because you don’t like him,” I snap. “And you’re ignoring everything I said on Sagittarius about us needing to trust each other completely to unite.”
The green in Hysan’s gaze fades, and I know I’ve lost him. “You have your freedom to trust whomever you want, my lady, and I have mine.” He’s pulling away from me. “But since I do trust you, I want you to know I’ve planted false information in Equinox’s intelligence files. If Aryll’s Marad, he’ll find it—and then we’ll know the truth about him.”
I want to yell at Hysan for treating a friend like this, but he’s completely within his rights. He’s a Guardian with the duty to protect his people. If he has a suspicion, I can’t prevent him from acting on it. “What false information?” I ask with a sigh.
“I got the idea from Nishi and Ferez. I faked a message from myself to Lord Neith alleging that I’d located the Thirteenth Talisman. I claimed that this was the reason I went back to Libra instead of coming with you on this trip. Anyone working for the master will want to get his hands on the stone.”
“But that just makes you a target—”
“Good thing Aryll’s innocent, so I have nothing to worry about.”
I open my mouth to retort but instead storm out of the cabin. I look everywhere for Stanton and finally find him coming out of Nishi’s room. He closes the door behind him, and I pull him into the empty galley. “How is she?”
He shakes his head, his brow a hard line. “I’m worried about her, Rho. I think she needs to be with family—and far away from this ship.”
“I know.” Stanton met Nishi when we were thirteen, on our first break from the Academy. Most Cancrian Acolytes can’t wait to visit home after a year on the moon, but Nishi asked if she could come back to Cancer with me instead of Centaurion. She said her parents were always traveling and wouldn’t be on Sagittarius during the holidays anyway.
“I don’t think we should press her, though,” I caution. “Would you mind keeping her company when we get to Taurus?”
“Of course, Rho.”
Then I voice the question I came to ask. “Stan . . . on Gemini, did Aryll tell you the truth about who he is?”
My brother’s tense features abruptly split into a wide grin. “He told you! Rho, I’m so sorry I didn’t mention it—I swore to keep it secret until he was ready; he had some dumb idea you’d like him less—”
I exhale pure relief. Stanton is still talking, but I’m too excited to listen. “It’s okay, I’m not mad,” I say, cutting him off. “I think it’s incredible—”
“I know! It almost feels like—” His cheeks go pink with discomfort, and the sentence stays suspended.
“Like maybe Mom’s still watching over us,” I finish for him. He n
ods, his glassy eyes mirroring mine.
After wishing my brother good night, I crack open the door to Nishi’s room. She’s sitting up in bed, staring at a hologram floating beside her. It’s Deke.
I’m so shocked by the image that I must have audibly gasped, because Nishi turns around to face me before I can say anything.
“The night before we left”—her words startle me, and I look from Deke to her—“Deke said we should record goodbye messages for each other, in case we never got the chance in real life.” She’s silent a long moment, and my heart aches to see her so agonizingly lost.
“I thought he was joking. He was always only half-serious about anything, wasn’t he?” Her voice sounds unnaturally high. “Besides, the thought of doing something like that . . .” She shakes her head. “I was so stupid, Rho. I didn’t think it could happen to us.”
I close the door and approach the bed, taking her hand in mine. “Nish . . .”
“I didn’t record anything, but Deke did. He must have set the message to auto-send at the same time every night unless he manually canceled it . . . and this time it went through.” She looks at me, her eyes so watered down I can barely see the amber. “Rho, don’t leave me.”
“I won’t.” I squeeze her fingers, and we stare at Deke’s ghost as she activates the message and he comes back to life.
“I know this is too morbid for you, so I doubt you’ll do it.” Ghost Deke grins, the same roguish smile that won Nishi’s heart and made him popular at school. “But when my sisters died, all I could think of were the things I didn’t say while they were alive. So if I wind up shooting off to Empyrean, I need you to know that my biggest regret will be missing out on a lifetime with you.”
Nishi starts crying quietly, and I wrap my arms around her, tears already on my cheeks, too, as Deke’s message plays on.
“I also want to say something I should have told you forever ago. I didn’t wait this long to make a move because you’re not Cancrian. I waited because I knew that if we dated, you’d realize you could do way better. I’m just an ordinary guy, Nish. What makes me special is that you picked me. And if I can’t be by your side forever, you’ll fall in love again—”
Nishi sobs louder, and I clutch her more tightly. “—and that lucky bastard will be made special by your love, too. Just make sure he has Rho’s approval. Speaking of which, if I’m gone, I know you’re not watching this alone. . . .”
Nishi buries her face in my neck, her whole being devolving into sobs.
“Rho Rho Rho your Strider, I’m proud of you. Thanks for leading us. I’m sorry I wasn’t supportive when you first became Guardian—I just didn’t want to lose the only sister I had left.”
By now I’m crying as hard as Nishi. Deke’s bouncy energy is subdued, and this no longer seems like a quirky exercise but a real farewell.
“You’re the love of my life, Nish. I hope you never see this message, but if you’re watching it now . . . tell my parents I love them. And don’t forget me.”
24
I STAY WITH NISHI UNTIL she falls asleep. When I leave her room, I pad past Mathias and Pandora’s cabin, pausing by their door. It’s hard to process all that has happened, and all that will come next, when I can’t get past the fact that Mathias is on this ship.
Maybe it’s because he’s so different now, but I don’t fully feel that he’s here. I don’t know this person we rescued, nor does he seem to know—or want to know—me.
While everyone rests, I curl up in the ship’s crystal-capped nose and look out into Space. Neith works soundlessly at the control helm, and I find his company comforting as I stare into the ever-expanding blackness ahead.
It’s my fault Deke and Twain died. I let them—and everyone else—come on board. I led us. And yet, I don’t feel the suffocating guilt or the crushing self-doubt or the shattering sadness from the armada. I’ve grown harder.
On Cancer, we’re taught the loss of one life is as unacceptable as the loss of ten thousand, because every life is precious. Yet I can’t take on this charge without accepting some losses. I can’t let every failure stop me. And even though this semihard shell is what the Zodiac needs me to wear . . . I like myself less for it.
“Lady Rho, I hope I’m not disturbing you.” I look up to see Lord Neith towering over my shoulder, his hair silver in the starlight. “May I join you a moment?”
I nod and wipe a tear from my lashes as he lowers himself to the floor. “How are you feeling, Lord Neith? Hysan told me you lost time.”
He sits with his back ramrod straight, his quartz eyes cutting a path through the black. “I’m concerned. Anything could have happened that day. We reviewed my central functions and updated my security system, so we know I’m not transmitting or recording. Yet what we cannot know is how much information was compromised during my time away. Hysan refuses to see the gravity of this situation.”
“What do you mean?”
Neith’s face softens with sympathy. For a moment he feels to me like a real parent, and I want to relax into his protectiveness. “You are all he thinks of, Lady Rho. The moment we lost communication with Equinox, he knew you were in danger. We took off before he could complete my examination.”
“What can I do to help?” I say, staring at the floor.
“Help me show Hysan he’s ready to step forward as Guardian of the Seventh House.”
My head shoots up in shock. “Now? But—but then what happens to you?”
Lord Neith doesn’t answer and instead takes an object from his pocket and holds it out to me. It’s a small metal circle the size of one of the fingernails Corinthe took from me.
“Do you know what this is, Lady Rho?” I shake my head. “Me,” he says, flashing his sparkly white smile. “It’s my first memory drive.”
He tips it into my hand, and though practically weightless, it feels heavier than anything I’ve ever held. “I am not this body or this voice,” says Neith. “I am all of the things that are in this chip. A collection of memories.”
His voice grows deeper, graver. “I am too great a liability, especially now, when we face an enemy with superior technology. I contain information that’s too powerful in the wrong hands. For House Libra’s sake, Hysan must destroy me.”
“He would never do that,” I say, my body rejecting his words wholly. “Lord Neith, this is unnecessary—”
“Miss Trii and I have spoken about this, and she has agreed to dispense with me and scatter my parts if Hysan will not agree. We are aware that, when it comes to me, his emotions cloud his judgment. As do his feelings for you.” I look up into his expressive quartz eyes and find I can’t pull away from their authority. “I hope, Lady Rho, that I can count on your support when the time comes.”
“Lord Neith, I can’t—I don’t want that for you either.”
He reaches out and takes my hand. I’m once again surprised at how warm and alive he feels.
“You are Cancrian, and your emotions make you strong. That is why I know I can trust you to see that I am right.” His eyes are so bright, they look like they could produce tears. “After all . . . aren’t memories the most a parent can hope to leave his child in the end?”
Lord Neith closes my fingers around the metal chip and rises in one graceful motion. He returns to the control helm, and the darkness falls heavier around me.
When we drop out of hyperspeed, I focus on the view of House Taurus to distract myself from what’s going on inside the ship—and my head.
The Bull constellation has two planets and one moon, but only one planet is inhabited. Vitulus has twelve landmasses and shallow oceans, and even from this distance its cities are aglow with artificial light. Everything in Taurus is always buzzing with energy—especially its people. They seem to need less sleep than the rest of us and are known for working hard so they can play even harder.
Stanton and Aryll hel
p Neith prepare the ship for landing. Hysan is in his room reaching out to his contacts on Taurus to reserve a runway at the spaceport and make transportation arrangements. This is one of the rare times Equinox is arriving somewhere unveiled.
I stop by Nishi’s room to tell her we’re landing. The light of a hologram quickly extinguishes as I open her door. “We’re almost there,” I say softly. She nods but doesn’t meet my gaze. “Can I get you anything?”
She shakes her head, and after a moment, I ease back into the hallway and shut the door. I hate being so powerless to help her. As I turn back toward the nose, I notice Mathias’s door is ajar.
I look around to make sure I’m alone in the hallway, and then I nudge the door a little farther and peek inside. He’s wearing the gray suit Hysan loaned him, which only fits now that Mathias has lost so much of his burl and bulk. He’s alone at the edge of the bed, Pandora nowhere in sight, pulling on a pair of paint-speckled black boots that look strangely familiar. My breath traps in my lungs as I recognize them.
Mathias spots me and freezes, with only one of Deke’s boots on. We stare past each other—he on the bed, me in the doorway—until finally I say, “I don’t want to cause you more pain. I-I just want to say I’m sorry . . . that day, I shouldn’t have closed the airlock door. Everything that happened—it’s my fault, Mathias. I’ll never forgive myself, and I don’t expect you to either. I’m so sorry.”
I turn to go because I’m too choked up to say more, and then I hear it at last—a single musical note.
“Rho.”
Without waiting for more of an invitation, I stride in and sit as close to him on the bed as I dare, leaving enough space so he won’t shrink from me again. When he doesn’t say anything else, I whisper, “We’re landing soon. Your parents will be so happy to see you.”
Wandering Star: A Zodiac Novel Page 20
