by Ann Raina
"He's at your responsibility, Ms Jennings."
"I understand." She placed the clothes for him, but had to do more than just watch him change from the hospital pants and shirt into his own jeans, pullover and jacket. He seemed only half awake and she had to bind the laces of his boots. His motoric abilities were limited. If she compared him to the strong and agile person he used to be she would cry. And she made herself the promise to not fall to pieces in front of Celinski. "When will the stuff wear off?" she asked. Her voice had dropped to an angry growl, a sound she had not known she had in her.
Celinski checked the board at the door. "In an hour, two at the most."
"Great." She looked into Julian's eyes. "Can you get up?"
He nodded, used the padded wall to steady himself and blinked. "Now we go?"
His voice slurred, but Kyra was glad that he was coming back to his senses. She slipped her arm through his and crossed the threshold. Doctor Celinski stared at his former patient. His lips were thin lines. Not anger, but worry crossed his face. He did not like to see Julian leave, but Kyra put a false smile against his discomfort.
"You brought your own shackles with you?" he asked, his voice even, betraying nothing. Kyra parted her lips, but Celinski was faster. "The rules for the program include…"
"I know what they include, but he has been restrained for a long time. I don't…"
"The rules must be obeyed, Ms Jennings, or I will not let you leave the closed section." He nodded his chin toward the fence and the guard. The other two men were standing close by, ready to react if the doctor said so.
Kyra had to give in. "I'm sorry, Julian," she whispered when she put the handcuffs around his wrists. His only reaction was a small nod and Kyra did not know if he understood a word. Oliver took the bag and Julian's right side. Flanked like that, Julian made it to the elevator. He panted, blinked and stalled when the elevator doors opened.
"We have to take it," Kyra urged quietly. "Please. We're with you. Don't worry." Julian clenched his fists the whole way down until they left the elevator and the floor. Kyra had to sign out Julian at the counter then the three were back in the cold November night. "Are you all right?"
"No." Julian stopped and looked up to the black sky. Snowflakes fell and melted on his face. He stood there, breathed slowly in and out and closed his eyes. Heat evaporated from his face like mist, and his breath made thin clouds. Kyra and Oliver exchanged glances of confusion and worry.
"We better be out of here," Oliver said, glancing back to the entrance. The doctor had not accompanied them, but the guards did and they wondered what the heck was going on. "Kyra, I really don't want to answer more questions."
"Come," Kyra said and tugged Julian's arm. "You can gaze at the wonders of the sky from my garden."
Julian moved, still absentminded, still withdrawn from the real world. They got him into the car, put the seatbelt on and Oliver slipped behind the wheel. Kyra took the seat beside Julian, buckled up and nodded to Oliver to take them home.
"He's driving," Julian observed when the Cherokee hit the street again.
"Yes, he is." Kyra smiled. Oliver looked unhappy with the task, but Kyra was glad he had not refused to drive back. She felt sicker than before. The prospect of a warm couch, a hot tea and Julian back home was comforting.
"He never drives your car."
"It's better like this, believe me." She put her hands on his cheeks. They were clammy to the touch, and she could not say if it was from the medication or the winter night. She turned his head to her gently and wiped his eyebrows with her thumbs. She was worried he would stay like this. Worried enough to cry. "We'll be home in an hour. Are you hungry?"
"No."
She swallowed the tears that threatened. He blinked at her, again trying to say something, but being at a loss for words. She caressed his cheeks, rough with stubble. "Be patient, Julian, the worst is over."
Oliver looked at her through the rear view mirror. He was worried and it showed.
Kyra took off the handcuffs while they still sat in the car, which parked on the driveway to her house. Julian clenched and unclenched his fists. He appeared still confused and fumbled to open the seatbelt to no avail. Kyra had to help. He got out when Oliver opened the door for him and looked at the house, the sky, the garage door.
"Back where you started." Oliver wiped sweat off his brow. He felt awkward.
Kyra led Julian to the front porch and, while she opened the door Julian took a deep breath. "You okay?"
"Coming to it." Julian faced Oliver. "Thank you. Thank you for helping me out."
Oliver virtually beamed with delight and the whole evening was looking up. "You're welcome, Julian. No sweat."
"You look like shit."
Kyra switched on the lights. Oliver turned to her. "Isn't that your friendly guy, your personal hulk? My, I'm so glad I met you." He looked up to Julian. They exchanged a manly look and, while girls would have hugged they only nodded at each other. Hugging would have been fine for Oliver, but never for Julian. They went into the living room together. "Need anything else?" Oliver asked. "I don't want to be fifth wheel, but does one of you need my helping hand? Aside that you both look like you need a drink?"
"I never drink," Julian said.
"Tonight you should. And my booze. Yours is yuk." Oliver was out before Kyra could protest.
Julian stepped closer, slowly, carefully. Then, as if hit, he stopped and took off his boots to place them in the hall. "Sorry."
"It's okay."
He took off the jacket, too, and put it on a hanger. "The table…I'll fix that tomorrow."
"Yes, sure, if you want to."
Julian stood in the living room, looking lost and somewhat frightened. He chewed his lower lip. "I'm…I'm sorry I caused you trouble."
Kyra sighed and came to him. It was not the time to confess how much trouble she had been through. "Hey, it was a hard day. Let's talk about it tomorrow. I'm too sick and too tired to think. Are you feeling better at least?"
"Yeah." The smile was meant to fail. He wiped his face. "It's no longer…like mist. Really thick mist. Back there…I could hardly see you. Couldn't think." He swallowed and, when she took his hands they were shaking.
"Julian…"
"No, it's…it's fine."
"Sit down before you fall down." She led him to the couch and he sat down without protest. "It's been a rough day for both of us. I won't go to work tomorrow so we can relax a little, okay?" He nodded, willing the shaking to stop, but could not. She rubbed his hands in small circles, groping for something to say when Oliver came in with a bottle.
"Don't get to confessing eternal love while I'm here," he warned. "I'm the first to cry with emotion and you both don't want that." He fetched glasses and came to the couch. "I can weep really, really loud. Did so at church when a friend got married and they didn't let me stay for the party."
"He's still shaking," Kyra said quietly.
"It'll pass." Oliver handed Julian a glass. "Here, take it. The ultimate stop-shaking-stuff. It's good. I always urge Kyra to buy a bottle that's worth the hangover, but she keeps refusing. Maybe you could change her mind. Try it." Kyra also got a glass and Oliver poured a drink for himself. They drank and Oliver licked his lips. "What do you say?"
"If it calms my mind and makes me forget for a while…" Julian held the empty glass for Oliver to refill. "I'm willing to take my chances with the hangover."
Oliver laughed heartily. "It's a way of making a compliment not a compliment, but for tonight I'm willing to let it slip." He sighed and emptied his glass. "I was really, really in need of some stuff. Your car, by the way, is a monster."
"My car's a wonderful Grand Cherokee and I love it," Kyra gave back.
"And I would never have fit into yours," Julian added.
"Folded? Or legs out of the window?" Oliver grinned, so relaxed to be back at home. He screwed up the bottle, took his empty glass back to the small bar and made big eyes at the two sitting side
by side on the couch. He sighed, exaggerating on purpose. "I guess I should leave you lovebirds now. Pierre's already waiting for me and I need some…distraction. No insult intended," he added hastily when Julian stood. "I'll put myself back home alone, thank you." He went for the door and Julian followed. "Out to take a look at the sky?"
"No." Julian looked Oliver in the eyes.
"The brandy was all right?"
"Yes."
"If you get any closer, Julian," Kyra warned, "he'll kiss you."
Julian stooped and placed a light kiss on Oliver's brow. There was a startling silence then Oliver roared with laughter. Kyra fell in the moment she saw Julian smile all over his face. They looked at each other and had a moment of perfect understanding when a look was all they needed. Oliver was left breathless and, without realizing it, clueless.
"Thank you." Julian ushered Oliver out on the porch. "Goodnight."
Kyra and Julian took a light dinner, both neither in the mood nor needing to eat much. When she came from the bathroom to say goodnight Julian sat on the couch, hands covering his face. He panted badly and Kyra feared a setback due to the sedative, but then she realized he fought emotions trying to surface. He lost the fight. He lost control. His shoulders shook with weeping. Kyra hesitated. Probably he had not wanted her to see. She did not know how to help him. The breakdown was so sudden Kyra was afraid it could be worse than his distant behavior on the ride home. Kyra could tell that the hours at Palmentry had been hard on him, but not that hard. Her mind had taken in information about examinations, questions and Julian's reluctance up to fighting the guards, but till that moment she had not seen the strain on him. She had not imagined how tight his control had been and what it had cost him to avoid breaking down sooner. She sat down beside him and tried to wrap her right arm around his shoulder. It did not work. Too broad shoulders for too short an arm. She decided to slip her hands between his arms and to lift his hands from his face. "It's all right. I'm here with you."
"I didn't mean to fall apart like that," he whispered. His voice was strangled, broken. She meant to caress his face when he swept her in a tight embrace, holding her as if she was the last solid thing on earth. Maybe she had not literally saved his life, but his sanity.
To make the embrace more comfortable she straddled his thighs and wrapped her arms around his neck. He pressed his face against the warmth of her shoulder while she stroked the back of his head, whispering soothing words. He could have crushed her with his arms, but he just held tight. Not hurting, but comforting, taking the solace she offered.
"I'm sorry, Julian, I didn't mean this to happen."
"I'll be okay." He drew up his nose, his face still buried so close to her that his words were muffled.
"You're not really okay, Julian." She sneezed and had to loosen the embrace to reach for a Kleenex and blow her nose.
He looked at her. "I will be okay, don't worry. But you need to rest." She slipped off his lap so he could stand up. "Do you sleep upstairs?"
Kyra was sick with cold and almost too drowsy to react, but she saw the raw need for comfort in his eyes. "I can sleep on the couch and you put the mattress in front of it. Will that do?"
Julian nodded, replaced the coffee table with the mattress and loaded up pillow and cover. "Don't look at me like that, Kyra. I survived worse things than that."
"It's no excuse," she replied and stood. "If I can make up for today I will."
Kyra woke, feeling comforting warmth solid against her back. She had trouble thinking, still drowsy in the good way of having slept deep and well. Her nose was still clotty and her throat sore, but she felt better than before. Slowly, in bits and pieces, the happenings of the evening before came to her mind. She had rested on the couch and Julian on the mattress. She realized she did not lie on the couch anymore. The same moment she tensed, knowing why she was so warm and cozy.
"Please, don't go."
"But I…" Kyra swallowed, but did not move. Julian breathed in her neck, warm, so warm and wonderful. His left arm rested below her ribs while his right hand lay on her hipbone. His whole upper body was virtually pressed against her much shorter back. Small wonder she felt warm. As if pulled she tried to move, gaining an inch of space, if only to think more clearly. Julian's touch on her hip tightened, not much, but enough to make her give in.
"I'm chastised. You don't need to worry."
More bits and pieces of the day before returned to her waking mind. "Oh…"
"I've needed to go to the bathroom for half an hour, but I didn't want to wake you. It's so wonderful to have you close."
"How did I get here?" she asked, unable to hide her uneasiness. Had she slept at his side the whole night?
"You dreamt, then slipped off the couch and I…I put you under my cover. Are you mad at me?"
She half turned to look into his face. So solemn, so boyish at the same time. Worry crept into his eyes. He expected her to yell or at least scold him for his forthrightness. "No chance to put me back?" she asked quietly and with a smile.
"No. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Not after yesterday. I…I needed you close."
Kyra did not know what to say. His look and, yes, his closeness rendered her speechless. She realized he had taken off his shirt. She added spitless to speechless and took a deep breath. Julian knew how to impress a woman. "Did the doc at Palmentry found out about…" She bit her lip. Stupid to start the morning's conversation with a reminder of that bad day! But it was out and his good mood dimmed.
"Yeah." It was a breath more than a word and he forced a smile on his face that was everything, but happy. "They made me undress and I refused to take off my underwear and…and they said…they said I had to." He gently moved a strand of hair from her forehead. "That was when the shit hit the fan, I suppose."
"You fought the guards."
"I was mad enough to start, yes."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He managed a half shrug and put more light in his smile. "I just didn't want to tell them who put it on me, that's all. My dick's not their damn business."
"But the secret wasn't worth the fight, Julian. You knew they'd win."
Julian placed a light kiss on her shoulder. Very chaste and quick. He really did not want her to leave because he was too eager, too demanding. And Kyra did not say that she would do much right now, but not get up or away. "It was worth it. Besides, I didn't want to give them shit. I don't know why the police put me there and I really didn't want to be examined and scrutinized and whatever fuck more."
Kyra found it hard to tell the truth, even in the light that Chris Balfour had lied to the police on purpose and that her dad had probably helped. "It was because they thought you were dangerous," she whispered, expecting him to turn angry and jump up, tense and willing to take revenge. Instead he just nodded while his hand caressed her arm under the cover.
"I thought so. They treated me like I was roaring madness." The smile wilted. "Did that doc tell you that they needed four men to keep me down?" Kyra frowned so hard he moved up his hand to smooth the lines on her brow. "Don't worry. I didn't hurt anyone. I think. It wasn't the shackles that freaked me out, just the injections."
"Maybe a hint of cooperation would have kept you from being sedated."
He looked at her with an almost soothing coolness. "The moment they knocked me out was the moment they didn't ask questions anymore."
"But, Julian…" She turned further to lie on her back while he propped himself up on his left elbow. She stared in his eyes. "Did the thought pop up that I might not have been able to get you of there within a day?"
"Yes." He swallowed hard and the sadness of the evening was back. He looked haunted. "I didn't dare hope that you'd come at all."
"But…"
He put a finger on her lips, stopping her argument. "I fought your ex. That's a fact. And I wasn't gentle. We were both like bulls, which had waited for someone to call go. I wanted him down and out for the count. I stopped to shove him out,
but I knew it was already too late. It was crystal clear that he'd call the police, wasn't it?" She nodded, sadly. "I had seen your face on the stairs. So…afraid." He cupped her cheek and his look was full of love. She shivered. "I just wanted to make you feel safer."
"It cost you." She took his hand and kissed his palm. "Sorry that Chris is such an asshole."
"He can't help it."
It was the look, the closeness, the knowledge that he had done what was needed without thinking of the consequences that brought down Kyra's defenses. She did not scold him for cuddling up with her. Instead she inched closer again and put a hand on his chest. She had touched him before, lusted after the firmness of his body, but not like this. The moment was not sexual. Neither Julian nor she were up to sleeping with each other. It was comforting to be so close. She had consoled him the night before and, even now the touch was like telling, I'm here and I want to be here for you. She snuggled up to him, leaning her cheek against his chest, and he pulled her against him so that her head rested on his left upper arm with his right on her back, caressing her in soft circles.
"I feel as if I've waited for this moment for years," he confessed after some minutes of pleasant silence.
She looked up to him. "You were pretty pissed at first to be here."
"Aw, don't remind me of my bad behavior." She sneezed, and he kissed her brow. "Bless you. Still feeling so bad?"
"The day's improving," she whispered, wriggling against him to show him why. His grin was very male. "Don't get an attitude, Mr. Bithrell."
"I'm trying not to, but it's hard."
"You congratulate yourself for being on one mattress with me?"
"That wouldn't be a deed, hmm?"
"No. You making breakfast while I slip into something more…sociable will be."
"I don't want you to go."
