by Blythe Stone
I groaned and got up, following her back in.
“Olivia, wait,” I said.
When I caught up with her she was looking through the glass of the oven door. I stopped beside her and peered in. They were almost done.
“Hey-”
I was cut off by the doorbell ringing. I closed my mouth and sighed. “You wanna go get that and I'll take these out?”
“Sure,” she said, a little fearful of who it might be.
She left the kitchen and I took her place in front of the oven. I grabbed an oven mitt and opened the door, lifting one tray out and then setting it on the stovetop and then doing the same with the other.
I heard laughter coming from the front of the house and then a very distinct voice.
Natalie was here.
Chapter 6
Olivia
Answering the door at my parents’ house was always a gamble. I hadn't invited anyone and my parents weren't home but a lot of people knew the gate code and some of them were really needy and awkward. Also some of them would insist on taking me out if they saw me. There were formalities and routines that certain people kept up with religiously.
In a lot of ways it was almost like being stuck in a different time like in a Jane Austen novel.
With that in mind you can imagine my joy when I looked through the peephole of the door and saw someone I actually wanted to see.
Voluminous hair, that perfect tan, her all serious face since she didn't know yet that I had been looking.
My smile stretched wide as I threw the door open and opened my arms.
“Natalie! What-"
Her face completely lit up upon seeing me. I tried to greet her properly but instead I was met with her body rushing in towards me and picking me up to spin me around.
Her hands gripped my ass and she kissed my face all over as I laughed and tried to breathe.
“Mmm, hey baby,” she whispered to me. “I'm sorry it took me so long.” Her arms were so tight around me that I knew how much she missed me this time.
I could feel her heart beating hard in her chest. Her expensive perfume took me over and I got lost in her soft hair.
Avery walked in and saw us. Natalie must’ve been staring at her for a second over my shoulder. I felt my body being lowered back down, my bare feet touching carefully back down to the cold floor.
Then I turned and watched as Natalie walked to meet Avery halfway, her pace speeding in the middle since Avery's face was alight and she could see that they shared the same impulse and sentiment.
The way they hugged was intimate and dear. Natalie pulled her into her body and put a hand on the back of her hair, breathing Avery in lovingly.
“You were supposed to call me,” Natalie whispered.
Natalie played with Avery’s hair while she hugged her, then she looked at Avery's face and stroked her hand at the side of it, really seeing her and petting her skin with her thumb.
They always hugged and stared at each other like they were saying: thank you.
“I wish I had. I'm sorry,” Avery said.
They were smiling at each other, blush in their cheeks.
I stood back and hugged my arms, holding my elbows.
“It's fine,” Natalie laughed. “I hope it's okay I came,” she looked back to me.
There was a time when I asked her to please not come over. It hadn't been that way for awhile though now.
“Of course it’s okay.”
“You’re kidding right?” Avery’s voice did it better than mine. Plus, they were closer in spirit and mind. I hung back.
“What? I know how honeymooney you guys get. I could’ve been interrupting something scandalous,” Natalie flared her eyes and then blushed. Her big sexy laugh was so infectious and my stomach ached a little at how much I had missed her. “Is that cookies?” Nat asked, looking over Avery while she was still holding her by the arms with her hands.
“Yes, but hands off! They need to cool and be decorated.” Avery warned.
“What?” Natalie said, looking back at her skeptically, all the attitude in the world. “She’s kidding right?” Natalie looked back at me and wondered.
I raised my eyebrows and shrugged. This cookie thing was Avery’s, not mine. If she wanted them to be perfect first that was her thing. These were her cookies.
Natalie groaned and pushed past Avery to make her way into the kitchen defiantly.
“Uh- hey- maybe you shouldn’t…” I tried lazily to stop her with unenthused words.
Avery chased her down. Just as Nat was reaching for one of the fresh cookies her hand was swatted away.
Avery grabbed Nat's hand and tugged her away from the counter.
“Don't make me tie you to a chair,” Avery warned.
She was holding Nat with a little force but the smile on her face was a challenge.
“Mmm,” Natalie beamed, intrigued by Avery’s intensity. “You act like that’s a threat,” she laughed.
I walked in and saw them doing their little aggression dance. It was familiar and wonderful but also a little stressful. I never knew when the mood could actually turn dark and I always sort of assumed it might.
They both turned and noticed me.
“Fuck Livia…” Natalie said, finally getting a real good look at me and coming off of that stare 100% frustrated. “You look…”
She turned to Avery and smiled slyly. “Mmm,” she said, addressing my wife.
“Now, I really am going to have to tie you up,” Avery said.
“No offense but you might have to,” Natalie beamed at her.
“She's too hot, isn't she?” Avery asked.
“Um- I can hear you two,” I complained, not at all pleased with the way they could just talk about me- without me- when I was right in front of them.
Nat took her chance, picking a hot cookie up and popping it into her mouth.
I laughed.
“You're gonna pay for that,” Avery promised.
“MM-” Nat smiled, cheeks filled as her eyes rolled, and she pointed to them. “These are good,” she said with fine certainty. She reached to take another but Avery slapped her hand again.
It was actually super cute.
Nat flexed her fingers and decided to give up. “So, what are you gals doin’?” Nat teased. She turned to the fridge and pulled a bottle of water out to drink some. “It’s beautiful out. Not at all like Christmas. It’s like 80 degrees right now. Miss Sexy Barefeet over there would love that. Little beach, little sun.”
She tilted her head to the side and stretched her neck muscles while she drank some cold water.
“Ha-ha,” I said.
“Lemme guess, she’s just been reading all day,” Nat teased me.
“She was helping me with the cookies. I've still got a ton to make. You guys can go to the beach if you want,” Avery said.
“Um… Without you?” I wondered, kind of bothered that she’d even suggest it. “No,” I said.
The only thing I wanted out of this trip was more Avery.
“Nice try,” Natalie laughed at Avery. “You know she’s obsessed with you.” She picked a naked cookie up and held it up to Avery’s lips to try and get her to cave and cheat.
“No way,” Avery said.
She stepped back and dodged Nat, giving her a speculative look.
“Then you guys should help me finish these and then we can go to the beach,” she suggested.
“Hmm… I sense a vibe here,” Natalie said, looking suspiciously between us. “You two aren’t fighting or anything…”
“No, we’re not fighting,” I said, coming close and watching Avery move about. “I’m not too great at this Christmas thing though,” I explained.
“Not too great,” Natalie laughed- almost mean. “That’s an understatement. It’s okay baby, we all know that holidays aren’t your thing.”
Nat looked to Avery for commiseration.
“Wait… what?” Avery asked.
I looked to Natalie and
tried not to act too strange.
“What?” Natalie laughed and looked at Avery questioningly.
I took a deep breath in and swallowed.
“What are you talking about?” Avery asked.
Natalie tilted her head and looked at Avery- thinking about what she should say. “Oh that’s right,” she realized.
“What?” I asked.
“You two met after Christmas,” Natalie recalled. She took in the sight of the kitchen. Avery had recipes out, her laptop open with more recipes. There were ingredients everywhere. “Oh boy,” Natalie said, realizing things. “You didn’t know,” she said, touching on Avery’s wrist lovingly.
Nat looked to me a bit sadly.
“Holidays make Olivia uncomfortable. They’re social,” Nat shrugged and rolled her eyes. “High expectations, traditions, routines… It’s pressure. There’s no freedom in it.”
Nat rubbed her neck and felt guilty for popping in and apparently dropping a little bomb on Avery’s Christmas extravaganza.
“Oh,” Avery said. She turned to look at me. “Why didn't you tell me. I've probably been torturing you for days!”
I shrugged awkwardly, feeling the weight of everything sort of bombarding me all at once.
My eyes were about to spring into tears but I tried to keep them away.
“How was I supposed to tell you when you kept telling me you needed the perfect Christmas?” I wondered painfully.
I let my arm fall and then turned to walk out toward the front yard and just get some air and not cry in front of her.
“Don't walk away,” Avery said.
I could hear her footsteps behind me but then they were met with Nat’s and the sounds stopped. I just needed her to not see me upset. I knew I fucked up by not speaking up but it wasn’t like what we’d been doing was the worst thing ever. What else could we do? Christmas was Christmas and it was everywhere no matter what this time of year.
I hated that no matter what I did I always managed to screw up. Of course I didn’t like Holidays. How could I like them? They always meant stuff like this. Fighting. Misunderstandings.
Avery’s expectations for me here were so high and there wasn’t anything I could do but slowly watch myself fail at even trying to slightly meet them.
Chapter 7
Avery
Nat stopped me and I didn't push past her. We stood like that, her body in front of mine, but I turned around when the sympathy in her eyes was too much.
I started for the door, passing the counter. By body flushed and anger filled me until I reached out and flipped one of the trays of cookies and went straight for the door.
I heard them hitting the floor and the tray clattered when it hit the tile. I didn't turn around. I was out the back door and standing in front of the pool within seconds.
It still looked perfect, little ripples on the surface and the promise of oblivion below the surface. I was leaning over the edge, ready to just fall in with all my clothes on but I got pulled away from the water.
Nat’s arms, Nat’s hands, that's what I felt.
“What are you doing?” I asked confused.
“What am I doing- what are you doing?” Nat wondered carefully, pulling me back and into a hug. “Olivia’s fine,” she whispered. “She’s just kinda dumb and she probably doesn’t want you to see her cry.”
“I feel so stupid. This whole time I kept asking her what was wrong and she blew me off. I just went along being the problem,” I explained.
“That’s not true,” Natalie laughed lovingly. “Olivia’s not exactly the most considerate person, Avery. She keeps things inside and expects you to just guess what she’s thinking. I’m not saying she’s a bad person- I’m just saying she probably didn’t have the heart or the strength to break it to you. I mean look at you, you literally just threw a tray of cookies you wouldn’t even let me touch a moment ago.”
“Yeah, because she lied by omission and I hate making her feel worse,” I grumbled.
“Okay, seriously?” Natalie asked, looking right at me. “Don’t tell me she’s never talked to you about her birthdays growing up or the trips her family would take during holidays, all the things they did to try and get her to be a happier kid? They gave her a fucking complex. Where is her family anyway?” Nat wondered, looking around for any sign.
“Out of town,” I said.
It didn't help that I just wanted to stop feeling. I was holding it all in a dark little box inside. Sometimes it opened itself and things like the cookie tray happened.
Those were little explosions. I was afraid of the big ones. That's why I kept a tight hold on everything until I could swim it out at practice. I didn't have that option right now.
“I'm sorry you had to walk into this,” I said.
“What?” Nat said, looking at me with confusion and love. She swayed us a little, shaking me to try and get me to cheer up. “Are you kidding? I love you guys. I couldn’t wait for you to get home. When I saw those pictures on your Instagram, I rushed right over.”
She rest her lips on my skin and calmed a little.
“It's not fair. We can't just be happy ever. Even when I'm trying it feels like something in my head is dragging me down. I just want to go. I can't just stand here,” I confessed.
I kept my arms at my sides, not giving into the comfort Nat would give me. I was afraid I'd want her to stay forever.
“How are you so good at this?” I asked.
“Which part?” She asked calmly.
I motioned toward the door and to myself.
“Us,” I explained. “It's like we need you to function sometimes.”
“Well, I just love you guys,” she whispered softly.
She let her arms fall and fixed her clothing, finally giving me some space.
“Do you want me to go?” She wondered sadly.
“No, I want to go somewhere though,” I said.
“Alone or…” Nat was just standing and waiting, unsure of how to be, worried about stepping on our toes.
“No, not alone. Let's see if Olivia wants to go somewhere,” I suggested.
I took her arm and walked us back through the kitchen.
“Maybe I should go get her,” I said.
“Sounds smart,” Natalie nodded. “I’ll just, hangout,” she said.
I left Nat in the kitchen and walked out the front. Olivia was standing to the side of the driveway. I didn't say anything. I just walked up and wrapped my arms around her, pressing my face into the side of her neck.
I kissed her skin and stood with her, saying I was sorry with everything but words..
“I’m really sorry,” she whispered, there was ache in her voice like she’d be crying out here.
“Don't apologize. Just please tell me things even if you think it'll be bad,” I said.
She felt so small in my arms. I fought myself. I wanted to protect her but I also couldn't diffuse my anger at everything from the past.
“Do you want to go to the beach with me and Nat or just go to the guest house?” I asked.
“I want to not be this way,” she said.
“It's not like you mean to be sad. I get it. You know how I get sometimes. It's all the things we carry around with us. They mess us up, like a mind fuck,” I said.
“I thought, maybe this year I would get it,” Olivia said. “Like you could teach me or something- fix me. But that obviously didn't work.”
“Maybe we should just give up on trying to have Christmas,” I said.
I was close to feeling like I used to before we went to school. Running, going crazy, and finding somewhere to buy my feelings.
“I am so sorry,” she said again, devastated.
“Olivia, it's not your fault. It's just the way things are. You didn't do anything to be sorry about,” I said.
That old sneaking question wandered into my mind again. Why did she love me?
“I want you to have your perfect Christmas, Avery. Do you not get that?” She wondered. “Yo
u were so so happy, baby. Just the idea that it could be what you wanted… I didn't want to ruin that.”
“Yeah, I get that but if you're not happy it's not the perfect Christmas,” I said.
She was always going to be more important to me than how I wanted things.
