Luc turns to leave and even though it hurts my collar bone, I throw the pop can and what’s left inside back, pelting him in the shoulder.
He whirls around ready to kill me and I say, “Only strike when you have the obvious advantage, no reason to look like you have any back bone.”
There’s a change in his eyes. Some of the anger dissipates and shame takes its place. He doesn’t want me to see it, so to mask it he shouts, “You don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about, Ryan. You can’t even begin to understand.”
“Can’t I?” I say and hold my arms out to give him an easy view of my weak and rather fragile body. “Whatever you say, Man, but I might understand a little better than you think.”
He isn’t buying it, or if he is, he isn’t showing it. He kicks the pop can that’s now on the floor toward me and leaves the kitchen. I wait until I hear his bedroom door slam shut and his music blare before I find a mop and clean up the Pepsi mess.
TWENTY-ONE
On Wednesday morning, before class starts, I knock on the door jamb of Coach Stone’s office.
“Hey, Ryan, good to see you back. How ya feeling?” he greets me.
I shrug and fall into a chair across from his desk. It feels familiar here. I must have spent a lot of time in this chair.
“I wanted to stop by the hospital and see you while you were there, but your dad said you didn’t seem up for visitors.”
“I wasn’t.”
“Wanted to let you know I’m sorry about the pep assembly, I didn’t know that was going to happen.”
I’d like to say, Yeah right, but I can’t because no one believed me when I said I didn’t know, either.
“Coach?”
“Yeah?”
“Put him on the team.”
“Lucas?”
I nod. “Even on his worst day he’s better than what you have out there now, and you know it.”
“I do know it. I’m glad you finally see it, though. But are you sure he even wants to be on the team, Ry? He didn’t try out this year.”
“Probably because I threatened him with his life,” I mumble. “Twist his arm, Coach. Bet you don’t have to pry very hard before he gives.”
Coach chuckles. “I’m sure adding him now is breaking some rule somewhere, but I’ll see what I can do.”
“Thanks, and please don’t tell him I asked you to do this.”
“Sure.”
Paige has found a friend. A girl named DeAnn from our art class. They enter the cafeteria together, and for the first time since the hall after the pep assembly, I allow myself to make eye contact with her. I’m already at my lonely table in the corner and when our eyes meet I give myself three seconds to judge her feelings for me before I look away.
Poker face. Nothing I can read.
DeAnn gets in line for school lunch and Paige sits down with her home lunch at a table next to the one Luc and his friends are sitting at. She smiles and waves at him and he smiles back.
For a moment I’m angry. Why the hell is she so mad at me for unknowingly wounding Luc’s pride, but totally okay with him sending me to the hospital for two days by kicking the shit out of me? I get over it when I realize she probably still doesn’t know any of that. Again, why can’t the rumors about me swirl when it’s important?
I could get up, march over there right now, and tell her how the shit really went down, but I can only see that bringing about two things. One; it’s going to make me look like a self-pity-party-throwing-tattle-tale, and two; it’s going to increase the risk of Dad finding out that Luc was the one who hurt me. The more people that know, the more danger he’s in. Luc will certainly recognize that fact and the rift between us will only be widened.
Still, I’m lonely. I miss Paige and she’s moving on without me. And why shouldn’t she – it’s been twelve days since we last spoke.
Damn, I wish it was graduation day and I was getting the hell out of here forever.
Paige glances at me a few times, and I’m pretty sure she caught me looking at her at least one of them, so I stop. I keep my eyes on my food until I notice Coach enter the cafeteria.
He stands at the door to look around and when he finds Lucas he approaches. He sits down on the bench next to him and drapes an arm around his shoulder. Luc flashes him a look as if he thinks he’s in some kind of trouble.
I can’t hear what’s being said but judging by the thrilled reactions of Jake and Connor, Coach has just hit Luc up about playing ball. Luc is flattered. No question there, but he’s shocked and skeptical too. He lifts his eyes to find me and I lower mine quickly. I don’t want him to know I had anything to do with this.
Yes, I want Luc to be able to play on the team. I think he’s good and I think he deserves the chance I took away from him to prove just how good he really is. But I also know that Scott and Zane are going to rip him apart. So why did I ask Coach to play him, then? Because Lucas won’t stand up for himself, and I want to see if he has what it takes to stand up for what he loves.
I just don’t want to be kicked again if he doesn’t.
I don’t have anywhere to go or anything to do, so I hang out in the lunchroom, like the nerd I’ve become, and try to catch up on a few more of the assignments I missed the week before. I stay there until the bell alerts me that lunch hour is over, then I gather up my books and step out into the hall.
Paige is waiting for me. I’m surprised to see her, but she’s there just the same. She’s standing against the cinder block wall on the opposite side and she smiles ever so slightly when my eyes land on hers. Slight smile or not, it’s still a smile and it rushes me with so much relief it actually chokes me up. I want to cross the hall, hug her and tell her how sorry I am. But instead, I stand there trying to control my emotions, and staring at her.
“Hi,” she says softly.
“Hey.”
“I was wondering if I could walk to art with you.”
What she’s really asking is if we can talk this out and I’m all for that. I’m about to tell her yes, when the outside door, ten feet away, swings open and Tasha comes waltzing in. She’s high. Had a hit or two under the bleachers, I can tell. With a very flirting smile she says, “I sure had fun with you yesterday, Ry.” She whacks me on the ass and winks as she passes, and I wish I had a car and a cliff close by. I’d get it right this time.
Any sign of a smile that used to be on Paige’s face is now gone. She’s not mad, but she’s hurt. I can see her lower lip quiver as she says, “No wonder you haven’t called me back, you’ve been busy.”
“Paige.”
“She’s pretty, Ryan. She really is. Congratulations.”
“Paige.”
She’s going to cry and when she turns and runs away, I think I might too.
Paige cuts art class, so I text her.
I’m sorry. I want 2 talk.
And she texts me back. DeAnn just told me that Tasha has been your gf since 9th grade & that she heard u 2 were getting it on in the school library not so long ago. Sure wish I’d known that be4 the play house.
I glance over at DeAnn who has her phone in her lap and a, you jerk, look on her face for me. I gather up my shit, tell Mr. Gale my leg hurts and leave class. I can’t find Paige anywhere so when Mom comes with my meds I tell her the same thing about my leg and she takes me home.
Emotional crap is so much harder to deal with than physical for me.
I sleep until voices wake me. Luc, Jake and Connor. They’re in the back yard throwing the football and excitedly talking about Coach asking Luc to be on the team. I get out of bed, wander to the window and stand there watching my brother until his smile makes me feel a little better.
Dad is studying me as hard as he can as he takes his seat at the dinner table. He looks at me until it makes me feel uncomfortable.
“Got anything to tell me?” he finally speaks.
“Me?” I touch my own chest. No, but Luc probably does. I look to Lucas and he shares a glance between me and
Dad, but doesn’t come to my rescue with his good news.
“Yes, you,” Dad says.
“Uh, no. Should I?”
“You’re mom said you came home early from school due to your leg.”
Oh, that. “Well, it feels better now.”
“You were doing so well, Ry. Walking a lot better. Staying all day at school. Going to practice. Handling stairs like a pro. Didn’t need naps. Endurance was up. Then some jack-wagon knocks you down in the locker room and you’re right back to square one. I want to know who did it.”
This again?
No one is enjoying this dinner conversation, especially not Luc. He shifts uneasily and won’t look up. And Mom, I don’t know why, but, as I look at her and notice the deep worry in her eyes, I have a feeling she knows exactly who did it.
“Are you afraid?” Dad asks. “Scared that if you tell they’ll do it again?”
“Nope. That’s the one thing that I’m not,” I say mostly as notification to Lucas.
“Are you trying to be the hero then? This is no time to be a hero, Ryan. That person broke a law. They assaulted you. They don’t deserve your protection.”
I look at Lucas and the fear he’s trying to hide and then I ask, “Dad, was I a good person?”
“What? Of course you are.”
“Not now – then. Before the wreck. Was I a good person?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t mean was I good at playing ball, I mean was I good at being nice?”
He blinks with confusion, so I take the question to the panel.
“Mom? What do you say? Was I nice?”
She hesitates, holds her breath even, and looks at my dad before lowering her eyes. “You had some moments when you weren’t the kindest.”
I move to Lucas. “Luc?”
“Hell no. You were a F–ing asshole.”
“Hey!” Dad shouts and points a strict finger at him.
“He’s just telling the truth,” I interject. “I wasn’t nice. I know I wasn’t because some of the memories have returned. And Dad, in that locker room, I got a tiny bit of what was owed to me.”
“Ryan, that’s ridiculous.”
“It’s not ridiculous, it’s true.”
“So just because a couple of memories come back, you’re going to roll over and take this?”
“That’s not the way I see it, but if that’s what you wanna call it, then yes. I am. You want to know who did this to me? I’ll tell you. I did it to myself. I put it all out there and I have no right to cry about it now that karma has come back to get me. Keeping my mouth shut is my way of apologizing.” I don’t want to give Lucas away, so I don’t look directly at him, but with him in mind, I add. “I’m really, really sorry for treating people the way I did. Unbelievably sorry. I was an ass to a lot of people, but especially to those I should have loved the most and treated the best.
“It took a pretty good knock to the head to humble me, but now that I have been, I do truly see how wrong I was. So for what it’s worth now, Mom, I’m sorry for anything I ever did to hurt you. Luc, I’ll never be able to make up for what I’ve done to you. I’m sorry. And Dad, if I’ve disappointed you, I apologize for that as well.”
Everyone just kind of stares at me as if I’ve lost it, but I’m getting used to that.
After dinner I try to call Paige, but she doesn’t pick up. I leave her a voice mail that says, “The trouble is, I’d forgotten I was supposed to love her. Then I met you and didn’t want to anymore.” I realize it probably won’t make a bit of sense to her, but it does to me and I wanted to say it, so I did.
_____
I go to football practice on Thursday. Not because I feel I have to in order to please Dad, but because I want to see how things go with Lucas.
Jake and Connor seem interested in the same thing because they climb to the very top of the bleaches and watch from there.
Zane and Scott aren’t happy about Luc’s presence on the field and they show him that by roughing him up whenever Coach isn’t watching. But the kid has pads and a helmet on, so I don’t feel overly sorry for him.
After practice, Zane catches me by the arm as I’m moving through the gate and nearly costs me my balance when he whirls me around to face him. Luckily I’m able to grab onto the fence post and remain upright.
“What the hell is freak boy doing here?” he wants to know.
“Showing you losers how to play a decent game of ball, I hope.”
“We know how to play ball, Ry. The last thing we need is his help.” The annoyance Zane is feeling is obvious in his voice, but he wants to make sure I know he’s ticked, so he pushes me.
I’m still holding onto the post so I don’t fall down, but I do have to put a horrible amount of weight onto my left leg to keep that from happening.
The added pressure shoots a pain through me that is so sharp it instantly makes my eyes water. It would have hurt before, but since Lucas kicked me, hurt seems like such a cheerful word. This is so much more than hurt. It actually has the power to steal the thoughts right out of my brain and for a moment I don’t know anything. Not even my own name.
As the haze finally clears I find Lucas in the background. He’s walking with Jake and Connor and he’s plenty aware of what is going on. His eyes are on me, but he doesn’t stop to help.
Should I expect him to?
I look back to Zane. “How many games have you won this year? None. Way to go Captain.”
“You know what, Ryan? I don’t need you anymore.” This statement isn’t just something he says. It’s a declaration of independence. I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, and feel it permeating out of him. He was my best friend for who knows how many years, but his heart was never fully into it. Whatever I had, or was, back then, was so important to him that he was using me to get a taste of it.
I feel another stab of pain and it’s not from my leg. It comes from deception as a heard of cockroaches trample across my brain stringing memories along behind them. They flash too quickly for vivid detail, but they leave me with the unmistakable awareness that I honestly trusted and cared for Zane before the wreck.
In my heart of hearts, he was truly my best friend. The only one I had. And for a moment it makes me very sad to know he never felt the same about me.
I look down at the scar on his wrist because I can recall the panic I felt when he cut it and my desperate need to help him. I want to ask him what happened, because that part I can’t remember, but he’s not in the mood for that.
He leans into my face and growls, “Just because you were the one scoring the touchdowns, before you went and trashed yourself, doesn’t mean you played the whole game yourself, Ryan. I had a part in that too.”
“You’re right,” I say nodding my head. “It takes a whole team to win a game, and Luc is on your team, now. Embrace it.” I give him a smile that makes him want to deck me, but he doesn’t because Coach is coming, which is why I did it. It’s the only form of revenge I can get for the hurt he’s inflicted upon me.
Zane leaves, but he lays his shoulder into mine pretty hard as he passes, and I guess I just have to live with that.
_____
Friday morning I question my motives for getting Lucas on the team. Was I trying to get the kid killed? Scott and Zane are tag teaming him in the hall. Connor isn’t there and Jake tries to help, but Hunter Wrigley, another guy from the team, holds him back.
Luc ends up on his hands and knees clinching his gut and struggling to breathe.
Their malicious form of hazing continues throughout the day. A punch, a push, a jab, anything they can do in passing and without being noticed by a teacher.
At lunch Lucas doesn’t smile and laugh like he usually does. He lays his head on his arm on the table and doesn’t eat.
After a while of watching him, Paige slides from her table to his and tilts her head sideways to talk to him. Her attention makes him sit up straighter as he tries to prove he’s tough, but I can tell he sti
ll hurts.
I watch him, and as I do I make a wish. I wish I had the mind I do now, and the body I did then. I’d rip Scott and Zane in two. I’d break what I made.
In art, I limp right up to the front of the room and sit down next to Paige. When she looks over at me I say, “Want to hang out with me tonight?”
“Don’t you have a girlfriend, Ryan?”
“No.” I assure her.
Her pretty green/blue eyes flicker as if she just might smile. She doesn’t, though. “Well, I’ve already made plans with DeAnn.”
I glance at DeAnn, on the other side of her, and she affirms this information with a nod.
I look back at Paige and wonder if I’ve ever been shot down in my life. This doesn’t feel so good.
“Okay, well . . . you . . . have my number and all that.”
“Yep,” Paige says without breaking her gaze.
“And you can call me anytime you change your mind.”
“Yep.”
“And, I’m not moving to the back. I’m sitting right here.” I tap the table top in front of me with the tip of my finger.
“Are you?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. You do that.”
“I’m . . . going to.”
“Alright, Ryan.
I feel like an idiot, especially when Paige turns around properly in her seat and glances at DeAnn who then giggles. But I hold my ground and stay put.
It’s worth it, because four times – yes I’m keeping count – Paige looks over at my paper then up at me. On the final time, shortly before the bell rings to end class, she says, ”Not bad for an SSJ.”
“That does still stand for super stud jock, right? You didn’t go changing the meaning to super stupid jerk, just because you were mad at me, did you?”
“Depends if PP still stands for perfect princess.”
“Never anything different in my mind.”
Her eyes glitter and I want to kiss her.
TWENTY-TWO
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