“Farnsworth!” he yells.
Great, just what I need – to watch this asshole beat up my brother right now. I glance at Luc and his face immediately drains of color. He looks as sick as I just felt.
Everyone else is looking at him, too, and they are getting nervous. I can feel Paige tense and see Jake and Connor do the same.
I keep a steady eye on Luc, hoping he’ll look at me so that I can send him the message that he needs to stand up for himself today. But he doesn’t look my direction. He’s ducked his head and keeps his eyes low – not focusing on anyone.
I wish he wouldn’t do that. He looks weak and wimpy, that way. Like a target. I wish he’d find the inner confidence I see him display at home and use it to stand up and face off.
I’m still looking at him when I feel a rough shove from behind and realize the Farnsworth Zane is wanting is me!
TWENTY-EIGHT
I glance backward and upward at Zane standing behind me. There’s a serious amount of hate and anger ablaze in his expression and it makes my heart start to pound.
Okay, maybe I sorta get why Luc hides away from him. I’d like to do some of that myself, right now.
I swing my feet over the bench and rise to face him. My knees are still wobbly, but I lock them up best I can, and pull free of the grip Paige has on my arm.
Zane glares at me and when he speaks his voice is more than harsh. “She’s not your girlfriend anymore, Farnsworth. You broke up with her.”
“Tasha? I know,” I remain calm.
“Then keep your mouth off of her!”
“What?”
“You just kissed her.”
I glance down at Paige who isn’t looking at Zane anymore, but directly at me. I can tell, at this point, that she’s wondering, but not completely convinced it’s true.
“I did not just kiss her.” I say it first to Paige then return my gaze to Zane. “I didn’t kiss her, Man.”
“I saw you, Ryan. Right outside the doors over there. She was against the wall and you leaned in and kissed her.”
Oh, shit. Paige isn’t liking this.
“I didn’t kiss her,” I repeat. If the guy had any idea how hard it had been not to, he’d be congratulating me instead of riding my ass about it.
“You F–ing liar, I saw you!” Zane shouts at me. “She’s my girlfriend, now, and you stay the hell away from her. You’re not getting back together with her.”
“Calm down.” I tell him. I have all these feelings for Tasha that are still confusing me. All this crazy love and longing to be with her, but I can’t have a fight, so I have to pretend I don’t feel them. “Listen, Zane, I didn’t kiss her.”
I shouldn’t have said that, it enrages him. “I saw you, Ryan! I was standing by the gate going to the football field and I saw you do it. You’re lying.” He reaches forward and shoves me in the chest.
I don’t fall, but I damn near do. I pick up my left foot so that there isn’t a chance my weight will come down on it, and I half hop, half stagger backward on my right leg until I catch my balance. Which happens to be an embarrassing number of times, I might add.
I’ve barely stabilized myself when he pushes me again, and this time I do fall. I land right on my ass in front of everyone and it hurts like hell. It jars my whole body, sending pain shooting through me. It clouds my head, as well. Thoughts don’t come as quickly as they usually do, and I’m standing again before I realize I even got up.
The pain hasn’t stopped just because I’m on my feet. It comes in throbs, but long throbs, like waves. And when it rolls in, it’s so severe it makes me feel light headed and queasy. Luckily it fades some before the next one hits.
I stare eye to eye with Zane. I’d like to walk away. Just turn and leave, because I know full well the consequences of staying. But I don’t go. I can’t allow Zane to push me around while Luc is watching and not fight back.
Surgery here I come. Blue belongings bag, meet your triplet. Mom, I’m really sorry.
I know my punch will be weak, but I double my fist anyway and take the strongest swing I can. It doesn’t hit Zane.
It hits Luc.
He has stepped right in front of me, blocking me with his back from Zane. He ignores my punch which hits him in the shoulder/neck area, and, although he’s shaking like a leaf, he says, “Leave him alone, Zane.”
“Don’t talk to me, Pucas, you know the rules.” Zane tries to push him aside, but Luc widens his stance and stays put. “Get the hell out of my way,” he yells. “I’ll kill you later – right now I want that F– you call a brother.”
Zane shoves Luc again, this time in the chest, and although I can almost hear his teeth chattering, he shoves back.
“If you want a piece of him, you’re going to have to go through me to get it,” Luc says and there’s enough seriousness in his voice to cause Zane to second guess his plan.
That doesn’t last long, though. Within seconds, Zane has revamped and is glaring at Luc.
“I don’t see that as a problem,” he hisses at Luc. But once that is said, his eyes shift to something behind both me and Luc and I see him lose a notch of confidence. I glance over my shoulder to see Connor and Jake standing up.
It’s three geeks and a gimp against one, but unless Zane is stupid, it’ll work.
“Get out of my way, Luc! He’s not going to get away with going around doing whatever the hell he wants with my girlfriend.”
“He doesn’t even like her,” Luc informs him.
That’s not exactly factual information anymore, but it makes me smile that Luc is sticking up for me.
“Look, Zane,” I say stepping slightly to the left of Luc to get a better view of him. “I swear I didn’t kiss her. She was . . .” I stop speaking because this is the moment when Tasha comes through the cafeteria door with Chloe tagging behind her.
“Tell him, Tasha. I didn’t kiss you, did I?”
I guess she must have been coming to convince me to keep loving her, because she seems stunned to see Zane there and she brings her movement to an instant halt.
She’s so beautiful. Even with red, tear stained eyes. I follow the curves of her face with my gaze and tell myself to look away, but every time I try, she sucks me back in.
My heart was already pounding, but now it takes on a wild nature, rattling my rib cage like a ferocious beast trying to escape. The palms of my hands are sweaty. My throat is dust dry, and I’m feeling rather ill again.
It’s making me crazy that the girl I want to be with is sitting two feet away from me, close enough to reach down and touch, yet I can’t manage to drag my eyes or attention off of someone else long enough to even look at her.
Paige has to be seeing and feeling this pull I have toward Tasha. It’s so intense that there’s no way she could miss it.
Look at Paige. Just look at her and let her know you love her, I demand of myself, but I can’t because at that moment my mind flashes to Tasha naked, again. I see her head thrown back, eyes squeezed closed and I hear her groans of painful pleasure. I see her elongated and sexy neck and follow it to the place her bare shoulders begin.
Stop! I shout inwardly at myself, because I know what comes next and I don’t want Paige to see me looking at Tasha’s breasts. But I’m unable to make the memory end. It continues to play in my mind with amazing vividness.
Her breasts are the perfect shape and size, and the silky smooth texture of them makes me long to touch them.
Stop it! I try desperately to swap the vision with one of Paige. I try like hell to recall what her breasts looked like, but I can’t. All I see is Tasha.
My eyes crawl down the curves of her waistline and across her toned and flat abdomen until they reach the navel ring I bought her. The tiny silver stars look so damn sexy against her evenly tan colored flesh.
That’s the only thing she’s wearing. She’s completely naked and there isn’t a flaw on her entire body. She’s the most exquisite thing I’ve ever seen and I can feel my love for her
returning. It’s so intense it makes me want to cry.
I’m lying down, naked, too, and she’s sitting on top of me. Her knees are bent and placed on either side of me and, yes, we’re making love. There’s absolutely no mistaking it. I can see it happening.
My hands are on her hips and I’m pulling her down on me, then pushing her up, and she’s groaning even louder.
We continue doing this and my hands move up her waist and over to her breasts and as I cup them, I realize that they’re not my hands, because I don’t have a scar on my right wrist.
“Holy shit, you F–ed my girlfriend,” I say to Zane, then find Tasha standing by the cafeteria doors, “And you F–ed my best friend. There’s no pieces missing anymore, I remember it.”
And I do. I remember entering the end of our junior year party at Hunter’s house. The music is blaring and I can smell pot and booze in the air. I want to find a lot of each and completely abuse it. I want to forget who I am. I want to forget the conversation I just had with Dad. The one that’s made me incredibly late for this party. The one where we discussed all the details of the football training I’m scheduled to fly out to next week.
This isn’t your average, week or so long, highschool football camp. This is two and a half month’s worth of hard core, one-on-one, specialized training, which Dad cashed in a dozen favors and paid a shit load of money for me to do.
I don’t want to go, and I don’t know how to tell him this. It’s been eating a hole right through me for months, and tonight I can’t stand the pain.
My whole life I’ve enjoyed football, but ever since I got to highschool it’s stopped being a game. It’s not a seasonal sport, anymore. It’s not play it, then move on and enjoy something else for a while.
It’s football in the fall, winter, spring, and summer. It’s football in the morning, noon, and at night. It’s all there is. That’s what I eat, sleep, and breathe, and the fun is gone. I don’t want to play pro ball and I don’t want to play for a college team, either. But it’s already been determined that I will. Dad has already talked with all the scouts interested in me. He’s studied this out and chosen the best of the best. And although I haven’t signed on the dotted line yet, we all know exactly where I’m going and exactly what day I’ll arrive there.
I’m not even sure I want to go to college at all, but that’s an unacceptable thought.
As I move through Hunter’s house, I know I should at least fake a smile and say hi to the people that are greeting me, but I can’t, because I’m bitterly jealous of them. They all get to spend their summer hanging out, being themselves, and doing whatever they want. And the rest of their lives haven’t already been mapped out for them, either. They all have some hope of taking charge and becoming what they want. I hate them for that. I hate all of them.
“Damn, Ryan, happy up,” Hunter tells me when I enter the kitchen where he is. “Your bad mood is getting to be perpetual.”
“Shut up. Give me a beer, and where’s Tasha?” I need her. She’s the only thing I have in my life that isn’t football. And in reality, she’s a huge factor in why I don’t want to go away for the summer.
I can’t live without her.
I wish she could come with me. I’ve even asked, but Tom doesn’t want her halfway across the country for close to three months with no parental supervision.
He’s an asshole.
He doesn’t even begin to understand what I need from her. I’m sure he thinks it’s all sex, but it’s not. I love her. I need her in order to be more than just a puppet.
Hunter tosses me a beer. “Tasha’s around here someplace. She and Chloe were in the livingroom last time I saw them.”
I crack the top of the can and drink down most of the contents before moving back into the crowded livingroom.
“Hey, Man.” Scott is drunk and/or high as hell and his words are severely slurred, but he gives me a big toothy smile and a playful slug. “Didn’t think you’d come tonight. None of us did.”
“First and last party of the summer for me. Wouldn’t miss it – just couldn’t get out of the house on time.”
“It’s gonna suck without you, but it’s damn cool you get to go.”
I study him then shake my head. He doesn’t even know. No one knows. No one except me knows how badly I hate my life.
“Where’s Zane? I need the fattest F–ing joint ever rolled by man,” I say.
Scott laughs like I’m a regular on SNL, but really I’m just hurting and looking for an escape.
“He’s upstairs, first room on the right.”
I nod, take the beer out of his hand and feel the weight of it. It’s fuller than mine so I trade him. He’s too wasted to care.
I glance around the livingroom for Tasha, but don’t see her, so I bound up the stairs, two at a time, in search of Zane. I’ll score some weed first then go look for her. It won’t take much to talk her into going outside with me and smoking it.
I don’t knock on the first door on the right – I just open it and walk in. Tasha is on her knees on the bed, facing me. Her eyes are squeezed closed, her head is thrown back. She’s groaning with pleasure. She’s naked and she’s on top of Zane. I see him in her. See him touching her. See the scar on his wrist. And while I see all of this as if it’s happening in slow motion, the pain comes like it’s in fast forward.
It slams into me. Clenches onto my heart with brutal force and simply will not let go. I can’t find words. Can’t find movement, and I can’t find air. All I can do is stand there and watch the two people who mean so much in my life, betray me.
Tasha groans louder, then louder, and as she peaks, she screams out Zane’s name.
My chest burns. My stomach aches. My body is shaking. My head feels numb and tears are forming as she opens her eyes and sees me there.
She flinches, curses, and, although I’ve seen her naked plenty of times before, she snatches up her shirt and covers her breasts by pressing it against them.
She scrambles off of Zane, and, now that he’s aware I’m there, he fumbles to his feet and into his jeans.
Tasha keeps swearing. Repeating the same word over and over and over and I don’t even know what it is because I can’t even think straight. I focus on her navel as she frantically tugs on her panties.
“You wore the belly button ring I bought you, to do that with him?” I hear the words drop from my mouth.
“Oh, Ryan, I’m . . .”
“You’re nothing but a bitch, Tasha.” I tell her.
“No. I’m sorry. Ryan. I’m sorry.” There’s panic in her voice and she climbs off of the bed and moves toward me.
“Don’t touch me. I’m done with you.”
“No, Ryan. Please!” She begs me.
“I’m F–ing done with you, Tasha!” She’s still moving toward me and I shove her out of the way, and while she’s trying to recover her balance, I rush into the room and drive my knee into Zane’s nuts.
He groans in pain and drops in a heap. Tasha screams and rushes to his side. She falls to her knees next to him and while touching his bare back, looks at me like I’m the biggest bastard in the world.
That hurts! I told her not to touch me. Told her I was done with her, but I can’t stand the fact that she’s giving him comfort and not me. Doesn’t she have any clue what she’s done to me? What they’ve both done to me? She’s taken away my best friend. He’s taken away my girlfriend. They’ve left me alone. They’ve broken my trust, my heart. They’ve broken me.
“You’re a bitch.” I turn and leave and she calls my name but it’s too late. I fire my beer can at the wall in the hall, fly down the stairs and out of the house.
My throat is sealing itself off as I yank open my car door. And by the time I get my key in the ignition and twist it, tears are falling. I can’t seem to make them stop. They keep coming and every time my mind flashes back to Tasha on top of Zane, they choke me and fall even faster.
There’s no way to survive what I feel, and I don’t wan
t to. I’m done. There’s nothing left for me to live for.
I dig my cell phone out of my pocket, type the words: I love you, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I send them to my mother, then power off the phone, turn on my headlights, cram the Camaro into gear and peel away from the curb.
I head for Burgus Highway, slow down when I see the Highway Patrol cruiser, because I don’t want him, or anyone else, to stop me from what I’m going to do, and once I’m out of his radar’s reach, I mash the accelerator to the floor.
I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m bitter. I’m weak. I’m lost. I’m scared. I’m alone. And when I reach Foster’s view area, I’m air borne.
I close my eyes, take in my final breath, then feel the horrifically intense impact on my body as the car hits the bottom of the ravine and crumples, and caves in, on me.
Maybe if I hadn’t cut out in front of another driver who immediately called 911 – maybe if that Highway Patrolman hadn’t been so close and quick to respond – maybe if my car hadn’t had air bags, I’d be dead now. But I’m not, and even though I’ve been through physical hell, I’m glad. I’m glad I’m standing in the school cafeteria and not lying in a box covered with six feet of dirt.
I study Tasha standing by the doors. “What you said outside a few minutes ago about being completely miserable since we broke up – you were meaning our breakup the night of Hunter’s party, not the one just a while ago when you were at my house, weren’t you?”
“You were at his house?” Zane’s bark interrupts any answer she might have given.
Tasha is looking rather gaunt and pale all of a sudden. She glances nervously from me to Zane and I set my focus on him as well.
“And, Zane, when you came in here claiming that I wasn’t getting her back because she was your girlfriend now, you were meaning she’s been your girl all summer, not just the last few weeks. I just wonder how long she was yours while she was mine.”
I see him swallow, but he doesn’t speak.
“So now I get it,” I say to him. “I get why neither of you came to see me in the hospital. You knew damn well that you were the reason I was there. I get why she has ignored me whenever you were around since I’ve been back. I understand why you got so nervous when she did pay attention to me. And that night I went to her house.” I chuckle lightly and shake my head. “You asked why I was there and she told you her dad invited me, but he didn’t. It was her.
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