by Johnny Stone
Nathan placed his hand on his friend’s shoulder, patting it lightly.
“There’s nothing you can do for her, but you on the other hand need to get some rest. Go,” Nathan continued with an air of authority in his voice. “That’s an order.”
“With all due respect, Colonel, not just no, but hell no. I left her alone and… This is my fault. I should have known better, and I almost lost her because of it.” James looked back at Nathan with a pained expression, caught in a hopeless situation between love and friendship. “She needs me now more than ever.”
Nathan nodded sympathetically.
“I figured you might say that. It’s all right, I understand.” Nathan turned and paused, lowering his head, regretting his next words and the effect it would have on James. “Plans have changed, I’m leaving in the morning, but you and Snake are welcome to stay here as long as you like.”
“Damn, you don’t waste any time, do you? Nathan, I’m...”
“Don’t say it; you have nothing to be sorry about. A man has to do what he feels is right. That’s all anyone can do.”
“Thank you, Nathan. That means a lot.”
“If you need anything or her situation changes before I leave, just beep me. I’ll be in my office.”
“You still trying to get through to your sister?” James asked in honest concern.
“Yeah. Local weather says they’re experiencing an extended period of solar flare activity again, and all outer system transmissions are spotty at best. The thing is, I was able to get through to an old friend of mine in Port City, twice, and the interference shouldn’t be bad enough to keep me from contacting the ranch. I’m going to try again in a little while, but something’s wrong- I can feel it.”
“Tell you what, in a day or so when Sandy is feeling better, she and I will head that way and check it out. We’ll keep an eye on your sister until you get back.”
“Thanks,” Nathan smiled back at him. “I appreciate that. I shouldn’t be long, with transit time a month at most.”
“Are you sure you can handle this one on your own? Maybe you should call Martinez in for some extra firepower, and who’s going to pilot the ship?”
“No time,” Nathan shrugged unconcerned. “And I’ve already talked to the techs on the shuttle. They’re en route as we speak and will upload the coordinates in the autopilot before we make the switch. Worse comes to worse, I still have the AI to fall back on. A man has to do what a man has to do, right?”
“Goddamn, Colonel… if there was any other way… I hate running out on you like this.”
“You’re not.” Nathan turned to leave and took another bite of apple. “You just take care of Snake, finding that special someone is a once in a lifetime thing, and you have yours right in front of you. See you soon, Jimmy.”
“Drinks are on me when you get back.”
“Damn right they are.”
James’ eyes began to drift closed again, returning to his vigil. He couldn’t shake the feeling of being a shit-heel no matter what Nathan said, he was abandoning him in a crucial moment of need and they both knew it.
“You’re a stubborn old goat, you know that?”
The soft whisper of Sandy’s voice sounded dream-like, floating delicately around his fading senses.
“That I am, kiddo, and proud of it,” he chuckled lightly, just before his eyes snapped open, and he nearly fell out of his chair. “You’re awake!”
Her eyes were cracked open, shining up at him from a colorless face. The blanket covering her to just above the top of her breasts rose with a deep breath.
“What do you expect, the way Burke was munching on that damn apple like a cow. It could wake the dead.”
“Cows don’t eat apples, they chew cud, but that’s beside the point.” James sat up, sliding closer to Sandy, gripping her hand tighter with a solemn expression. “You shouldn’t say things like that. What were you thinking? I almost lost you.”
Sandy pinched her eyes shut, straining with all her might. As hard as she tried, and as much as she prayed, the re-awoken shame and humiliation of being repeatedly used as a pass around girl swirled perversely behind her eyes, very much real and disgustingly vibrant.
“I’m ruined… no one will ever want me again,” Sandy mouthed silently, afraid to open her eyes and look James in the face. “How could you mean what you said to Burke,” she continued aloud. “How could you, after knowing the truth?”
“Of course, I meant it! I’m here, aren’t I?”
Sandy took another deep breath, forcing herself to speak. “Stop patronizing me- I know how filthy I am. I tried to wash it away, but couldn’t. It’s still there, slithering through me, on me, I can feel it, and it won’t go away. It never will. That’s why I got my knife, I knew the blood would make me clean again.”
“Stop it, right goddamn now,” James said harshly reaching for her cheek. “Look at me.”
Sandy shied away from his touch, rolling over.
“No. Just leave me alone. Can’t you understand why I have to do it? I just want to die clean and be done with it once and for all. After I’m gone, no one will even know the difference.”
James was beside himself with grief, he’d never seen her act this way, so broken and hopeless, lost in the turmoil of her recreated horror. This was so unlike the strong woman he knew her to be. Then it came to him, so obviously clear now that he felt stupid for not realizing it sooner. Sandy had never actually faced the events of her past head on, and come to grips with what had happened to her.
There comes a point when the human mind finally says enough is enough and shuts down, slipping away from reality as a self-defense mechanism to hide in any way it can. James had seen it happen with old friends, veterans, numerous times before. Even he wasn’t immune the sickness festering in his soul, waiting for the moment it would return and threaten his sanity. Sometimes it happened within minutes after experiencing an overload of traumatic events, other times it took years, or even decades to resurface. One thing was a guaranteed constant, at some point, when least expected, it would return.
In Sandy’s case she’d grown numb to the pain, withdrawing inside a cold, emotionless shell of outward hate and indifference. It was no wonder that she had excelled as a cold-blooded killer during the war; that was her only way of keeping the hounds at bay. That meticulously constructed defense had slowly begun to crumble over the last few weeks, because of him, because she had allowed herself to start feeling again. All it had taken at this point was one simple phrase to trigger the resurgence of a tormented past, inadvertently condemning herself.
James stood and back-stepped away from the bed, squaring his shoulders with a deep breath. He knew he had to do something drastic to snap her out of it, or she might never return from the darkness.
“On your feet!” He boomed in a deep, parade ground voice that he hadn’t used in years. “Front and center, or I will personally kick your sorry ass into next week and back again!”
It brought no response from Sandy, other than a muted shake of her head, no. This only forced James to delve deeper into his military past for the proper method of ‘motivating’ her.
“I said,” James lunged forward with a professionally crafted expression of mock rage and hit the retract button on the bed’s controls. It smoothly slid back into its enclosure in the wall, dumping Sandy on the floor in a disheveled mess of limbs and bedding. “On your feet!”
Sandy flopped about like a naked fish out of water in an effort to untangle herself, but she was moving far too slowly, James didn’t want to give her a chance to think, only to react. He decided to give her a helping hand.
“What the hell’s wrong with you, you fucking maniac!” Sandy screeched when James grabbed her upper arm yanking her unsteadily to her feet. She was dragged unceremoniously to the center of the room trailing a sheet wrapped about her ankle, before finally being released.
“Shut that hole in your face and listen up. Look at you,” James snarled. “Mopi
ng about like a cry-baby. I’ve seen Girl Scouts with more balls than you. Guess I was wrong when I thought you’d graduated to wearing a pair of big-girl panties.”
“What did you say?”
“You heard me, you know as well as I that life isn’t easy, it never has been for people like us, and just because you’re ready to give up and take the easy way out doesn’t mean that I am. Like it or not this is your life and you’re stuck with it, and me, and I’m not about to let you do something stupid at this point in the game. Got it, Snake?”
“You don’t want me. Just go. Just leave me alone and go away. Why are you doing this?”
“Why?” James stabbed her breastbone with his index fingers hard enough to knock her off balance. “Because it’s high time that you faced the truth and accepted the fact of what happened so you and I can get on with living. And who the hell are you to tell me what I want or don’t want? Let me make something perfectly clear, for the first time in my life I do know what I want and it’s my choice to stay, not yours. I don’t leave any one behind, especially someone I love. Ever. Is that clear?”
Sandy’s face went slack, and she cocked her head staring up at his glaring expression for several heart-pounding moments. Somewhere in the depths of her self-made hell, a beacon of warmth flickered to life.
“Did you just say you loved me?”
“Yeah, I did. If you have a problem with that, you better speak up right now, or I might just start thinking of you as my main squeeze.”
“Do you always have to be such a crude chauvinist? And I hate how you’re always joking around, I can never tell if you’re serious or not.”
Sandy turned away, fighting back the tears again. Her head was spinning, she couldn’t think clearly, too many conflicting emotions. The moment of truth… James had actually admitted the dream growing within her, the very thing she was afraid of happening, yet wanted more than anything else in the world. She’d been alone for so many years now, tarnished and heartless, hardly caring what happened to herself, let alone another person. Was she ready for it? Was she ready to accept the reality of her life, and not just a silly fantasy to hold on to in hopes of what could be? Would he really be able to look beyond the shameful truth of her past and accept her for who she was? Could she, for that matter? Words were one thing, but in time…
She felt James’ presence drawing near, the warmth of his chest molding against her back, shivering when his arms wrapped protectively around her mid-section. She melted, leaning into his embrace.
“Do you really hate my joking? It’s who I am, and you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”
“No, I don’t. It’s one of the things about you I do like, and somehow it fits you. If it was any other man, I’d knock their teeth down their throat, but from you… I don’t know. Like you said; it’s just who you are. I bet you used to get beat up a lot as a kid.”
“Funny you should mention that.”
James began telling some silly story about getting in a fight with a dog when he was a kid, but she really wasn’t listening. Sandy closed her eyes, absorbing the rumble of speech through her back. It had a calming sensation that made her think of their times together, so tender and peaceful while she laid in his arms with the steady rise and fall of his breathing, and the muted thumping of his heart lulling her to sleep. It was one of the most comforting things she’d ever experienced. Maybe it was in one of those silent moments of bliss that she realized how good life could be, if she could ever come to love herself again, and in turn, love another.
“And so that damn dog goes high-tailing it down the road, yelping his head off, leaving me standing there waving its ear over my head like a trophy! You should have seen my mom- she comes running out of the house and darn near has a heart attack at the sight of me covered in blood and jumping around, raving like a maniac! Needless to say, the other kids left me alone after that.”
“I don’t have a clue what it means to be in a relationship, any relationship, and I don’t know if I can ‘just get over’ what happened to me. I don’t see how you can either.”
James’ jovial mood and laughter subsided, as he was shocked back to the present.
“It’s not going to be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. I would hope you know me better than that, and see that I’m in this for the long haul.”
“I do know you, and that’s why I said it. I know your reputation with women, and I’m far from perfect, you get tired of them, and just move on to something new, something better.”
“That was a low blow.”
“Look at my arms, you fossil!” Sandy angrily pushed herself away from James, exposing her recent scars. “Look at them! The only reason I’m not dead right now is because... I don’t even want to think of how many women you’ve been with over the years, comparing me to them, putting my name on some chart in your head with a score beside it, knowing damn well that I’m in the lower bracket. Oh, and let’s not forget the extent of my experience,” Sandy barked sarcastically, staring at the ceiling while tapping a finger on her chin in mock thought. “I lost my virginity to six men in the span of several hours, I was so bruised and sore I could hardly walk afterwards. Stop your crying, you bitch! Its blood on my cock or blood on my knife, so shut up and move your ass,” Sandy rambled, returning to the past. “You like that, you little slut? Open that fucking mouth… wider! Suck it! Do you know how many times I just wanted to bite down on them? Every single fucking time! My jaw hurt so badly afterwards, and I can still taste them. At some point I threw up a belly full of cum and was laughed at for it. They didn’t care, they never did. Bitch, you better swallow it… You spit it out and I’ll kill you!”
“Sandy, don’t do this to yourself.” Even as James said it, he knew she had to; she had to get it all out in the open, even her insecurities regarding him.
“Shut up! This is the truth beneath these scars, so deal with it!” The tears had already started to flow, and all James could do was stand there and listen, helpless, while she vented her pain. “Imagine that going on for months, James, months! I never woke up from the nightmare; two, three or even four of them at the same time defiling my body in ways you can’t imagine. I was their whore; a pretty little redheaded toy, their good girl, because if I didn’t… One of them always played a game with an old style revolver pistol, he shoved the barrel inside me and I never knew if it was empty or not, as he slowly began pulling the trigger. Do you have any idea what it’s like to experience that kind of fear as a kid? So terrified of dying that you piss yourself, and even more terrified to do anything to stop it? That was how I learned to stop caring, James, that was how I learned to stop feeling anything for anyone. Anyone!”
“I know what you’re trying to do, and it won’t work. I know you love me, too.” James reached for her hand and this time she didn’t pull away. “Let me help you, we can get through this together.”
“Oh, please… I can already see the difference in how you look at me. Don’t you get it? I can feel it again, all the shame and humiliation.” Her free hand slowly gravitated to her stomach. “I remember every detail of the four trips to the clinic in secret to have an abortion so no one would find out what was going on. I can feel the gnawing emptiness inside again, but I had to rid myself of the filth they put in my body. The doctor just thought I was a stupid girl who kept getting knocked up by a local boy while preaching safe sex information to me over and over. That’s my sexual experiences, that’s my idea of love. That was my introduction to what a relationship is, so you tell me how in the hell we’re ever going to have anything together that slightly resembles normal?”
“You know what I think?”
“And what’s that,” Sandy sniffled, wiping the pain from her cheek.
“Sometimes you talk too much.”
James yanked her into his arms again against her initial resistance. She felt stiff when his hands slipped into the small of her back, pulling her even tighter against him, holding her firmly in place.
“No… I can’t.”
She tried to push him away, it was a half-hearted attempt to stop something she needed, they both knew it. James silenced her feeble protests with a gentle touch of his lips, and their eyes met, his warm and understanding, hers soulful and tear-filled.
“Quiet,” he whispered into her mouth. “Don’t speak. Don’t think. Let your mind go. Nothing else exists but the two of us, here and now.”
Sandy closed her eyes, and she took a ragged breath, shivering as if chill resonated up and down her spine. Her trembling hands encompassed his waist in turn, fiercely gripping his shirt, clinging to the only safe refuge in a violent storm.
“Help me, please.” Her lips answered his, slow at first, growing hungry and desperate. “Help me forget so things can go back to the way they were. Help me feel again without hurting. That’s all I want.”
“I know, kiddo, and I will. It’s you and me together now, I promise.”
James bent at the waist and deftly scooped her into his arms with a slight cry of surprise on her part.
“Ever been swept off your feet by a charming man before?”
“When it happens, I’ll let you know.”
It was the first sign of an honest smile on her part that he’d seen since this mess started, not to mention a glimpse of the old Sandy beginning to re-exert itself again.
“Anyone ever tell you before, that you have no respect for your elders?”
“Just some crotchety old fart that has more heart than common sense.”
James awkwardly used the toe of his boot to activate the bed controls. It slid out from its enclosure and Sandy gave way before him when he laid her down on her back, crawling up between her legs. Time seemed to stand still for a few silent moments while he hovered above her, gazing into one another’s eyes. She broke the spell between them by coiling her arms about his neck, stroking the back of his head.
“Well… The next time you see that old bastard, you tell him—”
“You know something, old man?”
“And what’s that?”
