by Fiona Palmer
She struggled to tear her eyes away from him as she backed out of the room. Her heart was hurting, and she still couldn’t breathe properly.
Moments later Lindsay was wheeled down the corridor to the waiting ambulance and Paul and Irene arrived just as they finished loading him.
‘Keep in touch and let us know if you need anything,’ said Paul as Irene handed CJ her overnight bag.
Doug clasped her hand. ‘I’ll drive up tonight, so I’ll see you at the hospital later. Hopefully he’ll be out of theatre by then.’
‘Thanks,’ she said numbly.
Dot hugged her. ‘Call me, okay?’
CJ nodded and climbed into the ambulance beside Lindsay and the local doctor.
‘He’ll be okay,’ he said in a heavy South African accent.
As the large doors shut, she hoped to God that he was right.
She was sitting by Lindsay’s bedside the following morning when his mum walked into the room. CJ instantly knew who it was. She was wearing black heels and a grey woollen dress with a matching little jacket and a hint of make-up. But the creases in her clothes and her tired eyes showed their long night of travelling. CJ had spent the night trying to sleep in an uncomfortable chair and was still wearing yesterday’s jeans, checked shirt and white singlet. She tried to tidy her hair and put it up in a ponytail.
His dad appeared next and CJ’s heart skipped a beat. Would Lindsay look like that at his age, all distinguished, strong and handsome? But then she remembered that Des wasn’t Lindsay’s real dad. He wore slacks, the shiniest black dress shoes she’d ever seen, and a crumpled grey shirt.
CJ wished to God Lindsay was awake so she didn’t have to make small talk with his mum, who was looking at CJ like she was an unwelcome guest. She clung to his good hand, not yet ready to share him.
No one spoke as they all gazed at Lindsay lying silently in the bed, and it wasn’t until James walked in that the ice broke.
‘Oh CJ, good to see you again. How is he?’ said James, giving her a hug.
‘Mum and Dad, this is Lindsay’s girlfriend, CJ. CJ, this is Des and Jill.’
CJ held out her hand and shook Des’s hand first. Jill’s eyebrows were raised. ‘Girlfriend?’
James nodded enthusiastically. Eventually Jill took CJ’s outstretched hand and shook it weakly.
Jill turned to her husband and whispered, ‘See what’s happened?’
CJ felt like screaming.
‘How is he?’ Jill asked.
CJ assumed she was talking to her. ‘The doctor said the surgery went well and they put in two plates, one in his arm and one for his wrist.’ She didn’t say how at three in the morning she’d asked the doctor if he’d have the full use of his arm, or that she’d burst into tears when he said he couldn’t be sure. The doctor had rested his hand on her shoulder before telling her to get some rest, as Lindsay would need her when he woke. She didn’t tell Jill how she sat by his bed holding his good hand until she was woken by a nurse checking his stats to find her legs had gone numb from her position in the chair.
Jill moved to touch Lindsay’s face and Des pulled up two chairs. James stood by CJ and his warm hand on her back eased some of the night’s tension in her body.
‘None of this would have happened if he’d stayed on the farm.’ She heard the pain and regret in his voice.
‘Dad, we’re lucky he’s alive,’ James said, resting his hand on Lindsay’s leg. ‘Hey, Slick,’ he said to his sleeping brother.
The tenderness in his eyes touched CJ. She wished she and her own sister were as close. She’d rung Emily from the hospital back in Lake Moore to see if she could stay with her, but Emily was away for the weekend. CJ had been there for Emily her whole life and the one time she needed her, Emily was nowhere nearby. It was just bad timing, but it still hurt. Doug had come through and organised for them to crash at a hotel near the hospital.
‘Are you planning to stay?’ she asked James.
‘Yep, for tonight at least,’ James replied, ‘until we know how he’s going. We have a unit in Como. Do you need somewhere to stay?’
‘Nah, thanks.’ She didn’t think she could handle staying with people she didn’t really know, especially under the circumstances.
The rustle of sheets brought her eyes back to Lindsay. Relief eased through her body at finding his cloudy blue eyes looking back at her.
‘Linds, hey, how are you feeling?’ She gripped his hand and was delighted to feel his fingers clutching hers back.
‘CJ.’ He raised his eyebrow and sighed as he tried to fight off the urge to sleep again.
‘Hey, goober. You had us all worried there. Do you always have to have all the attention?’ James was trying to be funny but his face didn’t portray it.
Lindsay attempted a weak smile.
‘Lindsay!’ Jill said. ‘My God, don’t scare us like that again.’ Jill and Des had both got up out of their chairs and came close to the bed.
‘Mum, Dad,’ said Lindsay, slightly shocked to see them.
CJ saw tears in Des’s eyes. If that didn’t show Lindsay how much his father loved him, nothing would.
‘Hey, mate,’ Des said gruffly after swallowing hard. Des’s big hand faltered in mid-air as if he wanted to touch Lindsay but was too frightened of hurting him.
Lindsay managed to roll his head back to CJ and smiled before his eyelids dropped slowly.
‘The nurse said he’d be drowsy for a while.’
Jill and Des sat back down, both staring at Lindsay as if they expected him to open his eyes again.
After ten minutes passed CJ sighed and made a decision. She’d had just about enough of this awkwardness and thought she’d give them some time with their son. ‘I might duck off and have a shower,’ she said, making for the door. ‘No doubt I’ll see you here again.’
‘Catch ya later, CJ,’ said James with a wave, while the parents just gave slight nods.
The next day wasn’t any better. She’d come in that morning with Doug, who had paid a flying visit, trying to avoid his brother
‘Looks like they might transfer Lindsay back to Lake Moore until he’s released,’ CJ said to Doug. ‘I can come back to work if you need me to. Not much I can do while he’s stuck in hospital, and you know I need the money.’
‘It’s okay, CJ. Take all the time you need. Think of it as holiday pay.’
CJ couldn’t find the words to thank him, so she hugged him instead.
Doug ran his hand through his ruffled hair. ‘Lindsay was saying just now how he couldn’t wait to get back to work, but CJ, I didn’t have the heart to tell him he won’t be back. The doc reckons he’ll struggle to hold a handpiece for a whole run, let alone a whole day. He’s not going to take this very well.’
She sighed heavily. She’d thought the same thing but it was worse actually hearing it from someone else. ‘I know. I was thinking of avoiding the issue until he’s out of hospital. I just don’t know what to do.’
Doug gave her a hug and whispered that they’d sort it out together. CJ went to Lindsay, who was sitting up in bed watching TV.
‘Hey, you!’ she said. ‘You look much perkier today.’
‘Hiya, beautiful. Come sit by me.’
She dragged the chair close to his bed and sat down.
‘That’s better. I’ve missed you.’
She reached over and kissed him long and tenderly, being careful not to touch the cuts on his face.
‘Hmm, I’ve missed that too,’ he said.
‘So… I met your folks yesterday, while you were sleeping.’
Lindsay studied her face. ‘I’m sorry, babe. It’s not how I wanted you to meet them. I was supposed to be there to protect you.’ He put his good hand over hers and caressed it with his thumb.
She shrugged. ‘It wasn’t so bad. James was there. I really like James.’
A frown creased Lindsay’s forehead. ‘Just don’t like him too much.’
‘You’ve nothing to worry about there,’ she laugh
ed. ‘I told you you’re the one for me.’
‘I’ll never get tired of hearing that.’
There was a knock at the door and his parents walked in. CJ could hear the click-clack of Jill’s shoes as she entered. CJ’s choice of clothes got even more of a glare from Jill. It was as if she’d thought yesterday’s clothes were a once-off, like she’d just got back from work. But it didn’t worry her in the least. She knew who she was and that was the main thing. Then Jill’s piercing blue eyes came to rest on their joined hands. CJ was tempted to pull away but Lindsay’s grip tightened.
‘Hi,’ said Lindsay, his voice cracking. ‘I take it you’ve already met the love of my life.’
‘Yes, we’ve met,’ said Jill, giving CJ a sweet smile that threw daggers.
CJ wanted to run for the door but made an effort to stay. They discussed how Marty’s tests had found drugs in his system.
‘Idiot! Besides, how many people say you should never swerve for a roo?’ said CJ.
‘Apparently the roo was only small. They reckon Marty just overreacted. None of us would have let him drive if we’d known he was high,’ Lindsay said, sighing.
‘And look at the state of you,’ said Des. ‘You’re going to be off work for months and that arm will be useless. Your mum and I think you should come back to the farm with us.’ His voice was stern.
‘Dad, I’m not that crippled.’
‘But at the farm your mother can look after you,’ said Des.
Lindsay nodded towards CJ. ‘Don’t worry about me. We’ve got it covered,’ said Lindsay, winking at CJ. He had it all thought out. When he could leave hospital he’d go back to his place and he’d take it easy and help Burt out on the farm when his arm was better to pay for his rent. Then he could get back to shearing once his arm healed. He wasn’t going back to Summerilla, not when he’d just got away. A part of him was scared he’d get stuck there, like stepping into quicksand. No, he’d help Burt until his wounds healed and he regained his strength, then he’d go back to shearing. He was positive he’d be back in the saddle in no time.
30
SIX weeks had gone by since their return from Perth Hospital, and CJ had been back shearing for five of them. Lindsay’s arm and wrist were still in a cast, which frustrated and angered him no end.
Each day CJ left home or Lindsay’s place without him, and the sheds just didn’t seem the same. She felt torn between being there for her mother and helping Lindsay. Lindsay would stay with her one or sometimes two days during the week and the other days she’d juggle both houses. So her possessions, which weren’t much to begin with, were spread between both places.
But at work her numbers were improving each week – sometimes only by a few sheep, other times by ten. She felt bad leaving Linds to lie in bed with eyes that showed jealousy. He tried to show interest in her shearing but she knew it hurt him. She knew how bad he wanted to be back in the shed. Just two nights ago he’d kicked the vacuum cleaner and cursed.
‘I’m sick of being a house bitch!’ he’d yelled.
But there wasn’t much else for him to do. ‘Why don’t you go back to the farm for a bit and catch up with James? Maybe stay – they’ll want help with harvest in a month. You could easily drive a header,’ she’d said, trying to help.
But he’d taken offence, assumed she was trying to get rid of him.
‘I know you’re not happy, babe. I understand,’ she’d told him that night.
‘How can you understand? You don’t feel like a flywire door on a submarine, do ya?’ he’d spat back, waving his plastered arm around as if she hadn’t noticed.
She had tried to talk softly, to calm him down. ‘I do understand. How do you think my father felt all those years ago, and he was way worse off than you.’ It might have been a bit harsh, but perhaps a reality check was in order.
Lindsay had gone to say something, then closed his mouth. She knew he still hoped he’d be able to work again. Part of her hoped for a miracle too, no matter what the doctors had said. He was such a good shearer. It just couldn’t be the end for him.
This morning he watched her pull on her shearing pants. ‘I’m going to stay home at Burt’s all this week,’ he said.
‘Why?’
He lay in her bed with his cast shoved up under her pillow as if it was offensive.
‘I’m sick of sleeping in this shed and I’m going to help Burt more around the farm until my arm’s better. You can come and stay with me any time, you know that.’
CJ’s dad had been okay, except for last week when Abe had turned up unexpectedly. Abe hadn’t counted on CJ opening the door. She’d sent him and his bottle of grog packing.
‘Okay,’ CJ replied. ‘I’ll check in at home after work and then head out.’
She leaned over and kissed Lindsay. She never got sick of his lips or the blue-grey of his eyes. The sheet lay low over his chest and her eyes lingered where his tan line finished. ‘At least you get your cast off today. It’s been like sleeping with a handful of dirty socks.’ She scrunched up her nose.
Lindsay pulled his arm out from under the pillow and gazed at it. ‘Well, it can’t come off bloody soon enough.’
Sighing heavily, she waved and left the shed, calling for Sam.
But having his cast removed didn’t improve Lindsay’s mood.
‘So, what’s the verdict?’ she asked cautiously that night, as she dropped down on his bed feeling exhausted. She touched his injured arm. His skin was cool and she could feel the metal plate underneath the surface, a weird sensation that made her shiver.
‘He said the radius and ulna plates are doing their job and healing well. They’ll keep the plates in there as the bones won’t be strong enough and my wrist is okay, considering. He said I’ll have decreased motion, or some shit, in my elbow and wrist, especially in the forearm rotation. I can’t even open a jar of jam.’
‘Oh, Linds.’
He looked like he’d been told his best mate had died. It was an angry pain she saw, swirling around in his eyes, like an approaching storm. Those same dark clouds had descended on her dad.
‘I can’t even open a bloody door, for Christ’s sake, so I’m probably stuffed with a handpiece.’ Lindsay held his arm out and tried rotating it slowly. The motion was stiff; he winced and dropped his arm back to his lap.
‘Did you tell him it still hurts?’ She wanted to hug him, tell him it would all be okay, but she couldn’t.
‘Yeah, he reckons I’ll have that for a while. It may never leave but I could probably try to have more surgery for bone grafting.’
‘Shite.’
‘Yep. No shearing, apparently.’ He sounded flippant but she knew all about hiding feelings.
They sat, both staring at his arm. It was so quiet that CJ was sure she could hear the foxes creeping around in the dark looking for food.
‘At all?’ she dared ask.
Lindsay took a deep breath, then stood up and faced her. ‘Well, he said I could always try and that I could probably shear some, but that would be up to me and how much pain I could endure. He said the bones wouldn’t take much before they’d start to ache but it was a definite “no” to full-time shearing.’ He looked at her with defiance. ‘But I’m still gonna try. I’m not giving up yet.’
CJ’s body zinged with pride at the Lindsay’s determination, and the way he held himself up so strongly.
She stepped forward and put her hands on his chest. ‘I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, babe.’ She was going to give him a hug, but he pulled back.
‘I’m going to have a shower,’ he said.
She knew he was pushing her away from him. She’d seen it all before. What she didn’t know was that over the next couple of months it would slowly get worse.
While CJ worked, Lindsay either moped around the house or sat in the ute with Joe or Burt. Time just seemed to go past so monotonously.
A good three months after Lindsay’s accident he decided he was coming to work with her. ‘I’m usin
g my arm for everything now and my hand feels great,’ he assured her.
They’d been down to four and five shearers since the accident, as Doug had never replaced Lindsay. CJ suspected that was because Doug feared Lindsay would think he was giving up on him. So Lindsay was able to easily slot back in on a stand.
He was so excited and she was scared stiff. By the time they got to the shed she’d chewed the inside of her mouth raw and was about to start on her nails.
Lindsay saw Dave as they got out of the ute. ‘Hey, Dave. How ya going, big fella?’ They shook hands.
‘Good, bro. Great to see you back.’ Dave threw a confused look to CJ, who could only shrug.
Lindsay greeted everyone else and jumped up to his stand to get ready. He slipped on the brace he’d brought for his wrist.
‘Oh, dear. You should have warned us,’ said Irene, appearing behind CJ and putting a protective arm around her.
A weak smile formed on her lips. ‘I would have if I’d known he was coming to work today.’
‘Maybe it’s what he needs,’ said Irene.
‘Yeah, maybe.’ CJ walked away from Irene, climbed the raised floor to her stand next to Lindsay, and oiled her gear.
Dead on seven CJ began shearing. She felt like a machine; she had no heart for the job and couldn’t concentrate. She watched Lindsay like a mother would watch her child take his first steps, waiting to catch them when they fell. He started slowly – CJ was easily shearing faster than him, something neither of them had ever imagined possible. As she pushed another sheep down the chute, she could tell that Lindsay was really struggling to move the handpiece over the contours of the sheep. Amazingly, he still managed to finish the first run. She was blown away by his persistence and courage.
When Lindsay went to wash his hands Dave walked over and checked his counter. ‘Damn, CJ. It’s painful to watch and his numbers aren’t good.’
With a quick flick of the towel, she wiped the sweat from her face. ‘I know. I can’t bear it either.’ She felt a lump rising in her throat and tears prickling her eyes.
