by BA Tortuga
“Why did your family leave you hanging?”
“Because I’m gay, and I was a dopey, fat, not particularly desirable kid. I was worth more dead to them than I’d ever be alive.” The words were simple, straightforward, and completely devoid of any real emotion. “I don’t expect anything from them, and I believe that expectation will be met.”
Momma nodded, her shrewd lawyer look back in place. “Your father never has been a fan, has he?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Would it surprise you to know that he wasn’t listed as your biological father?”
“Mom!”
She held up her hand. “Dakota?”
“Nothing surprises me anymore, Mrs. Wilson.”
Jayden decided it was time to lawyer up. “Objection, counselor. I know you’re worried about the perceived imbalance in this relationship, but you need to back the hell off.”
“There’s no perception. It’s a fact. You’re a successful lawyer that has a stellar career behind and before him. You own a house, you take vacations, but most importantly, you had the opportunity to have normal adult interactions, to mature in a way that makes you a functional adult. No offense, Dakota, but you didn’t have that, at least not after your arrest.”
“None taken.”
No offense taken, but Dakota’s eyes were like holes burned into a blanket.
Jayden listened to his teeth grind. “You know, Dakota has done an amazing job building his life since he got out. He’s bright, talented, and I love him.”
“Good. I’m not saying you shouldn’t. Although I will say that I hope you’re using condoms, because….”
Dakota’s cheeks went a deep, dark, painful red. “If y’all will excuse me, I need to use the restroom.”
Then Dakota stood and put his napkin over his mostly uneaten food before heading back toward the facilities.
Jayden turned on his mom. “What the hell? I expected you to grill him, and so did he, but you went right past anything that could be considered normal motherly concern.”
“Maybe the condom comment was too far, but Son, it’s a concern. He’s a convict. He’s been, at the most delicate, unsafe in his sexual relationships. This isn’t a man that’s ever going to be your equal. Hell, I’m not sure he ever could have been. Decent, but not exceptional. You’re exceptional. I mean, honestly? A cowboy? You’re in love with a stereotype. And Dakota is an ex-con and a cowboy—that’s a stereotype squared.” She covered his hand with hers. “He seems like one hell of a guy that was handed a shit sandwich in life, and I hate that. More than that, though, I hate that you might get your heart broken again. He’s a good guy, and I’ll fight to help him get his conviction overturned, but is he good enough for you? In any way?”
“He’s—” Jayden could barely put two words together he was so mad. And surprised at how hurt he was that she hadn’t even tried to talk to Dakota as a real human being. “I know he’s not a doctor or a lawyer. You saw how well that worked. He’s a cowboy. He’s a convict. He’s the finest man I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. I love him.”
“Well, then, I think you should do what you need to, but know that you’ve got an uphill battle ahead of you. It’s hard to mix oil and water. I worry that he doesn’t have any basis to know what a healthy relationship is. I mean, his parents are obviously assholes.”
Jayden snorted, wishing now he’d had the mimosas too. “Yeah. Like, really.”
“I’ll apologize to him. I’m just worried about you, you know? You’re my angel baby. I want the best for you.”
“I know, Momma. I do. I just—first things first, we need to get his conviction overturned. So many of the problems will go away when that happens.” Not all the problems, but Dakota would be able to travel, be able to start his life over. McCarthy would know that Dakota didn’t do it.
It wouldn’t be a cure-all, but it would be so much better.
Dakota’s hand landed on his shoulder, solid and firm. “It’s okay, Jayden. She’s a mom. They’re supposed to take care of their kids.”
God, his lover was classy.
“We are,” Momma agreed. “I’m sorry if I was out of line, Dakota. I do worry about things, and unlike most moms, I know a lot about the penal system.”
“Well, that sucks for you.” Dakota sat back down, keeping back from the table. “I’d tell you that I’d never hurt him, but you wouldn’t believe me.”
“I wouldn’t. People hurt each other.”
“They do.”
“I think you’re a good man, Dakota.”
“Now, you’ve done well and not lied. Let’s not start now. You think I’m messed up, a little bit embarrassing, and destined to be a loser, and I’d argue with you, but there’s no proof to the contrary.” Dakota sighed softly. “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s the truth, but no matter what, I’ll be an ex-con for the rest of my life. You can’t unlearn that sort of thing.”
“I’m sorry, Dakota.” Now Mom had the shimmer of tears in her eyes, and how the fuck had he totally lost control of this situation?
“You and me both, Mrs. Wilson. You and me both.” Dakota carefully pulled a twenty out of his wallet. “I’m going to let you enjoy your momma, Jayden. I’ll talk at you soon. It was nice to meet you, ma’am.”
“You as well, Dakota.” His mom looked at him, the facade cracking a bit.
“I’ll walk you out. Be right back, Momma.”
Dakota walked out of the restaurant, steady as anything. They left, and then Dakota asked, “Did I leave enough for the tip and all?”
“You did. I’m so sorry, honey. I knew she was loaded for bear, but she’s usually not evil. That was just rude.” He wanted to touch, but even in Austin, that was out of the question.
“It’s okay. She’s a mom, and she’s right. I’m not what anyone would want for their son.” Dakota offered him this smile that looked so sad. “You’re wrong, you know. When the test results come back someone else, people will say I fudged them. People will say I tricked the system, and even if they don’t, I’m still an ex-con that’s never had a beer or a blowjob. I still won’t be able to get a job in an office. I’m still a guy who’s been raped so much that I don’t think you can call it rape anymore. The whole idea that I’m going to be more than I am right now just isn’t true. I’m sorry, but it’s a fact.”
“I’m not my mom, Dakota. I can’t say all of her concerns are invalid, but I can say we’re at a place where we haven’t even had a chance to try to deal with them. We can find the answers.” He didn’t want Dakota to give up.
“I hope so. Enjoy your momma. She’s something else.”
“I—can I call you tonight?” All of a sudden, they seemed out of step, and Jayden felt totally off-balance.
“Please. When do you leave for your New Mexico trip? Is that soon?”
“A week and a half?” God, how was it almost August? Jayden couldn’t believe how time had passed without him noticing.
“So yeah. Soon.”
“I was thinking I’d cancel. It just all happened so fast.”
“I get that. I’ve been out for three months, almost four. It’s quick.”
“It’s hot out here, honey. Go on. Do you need your money back to get some food? You didn’t eat.”
“No, sir. I’m good.” Dakota stepped away and waved. “Y’all have a good rest of your day.”
Then his lover hurried across the street, shoulders up around his ears.
Sir? What the hell? He made to go after Dakota, but his phone beeped, his mom asking where he was. Shit. Okay, he’d let Dakota retreat for now, but they were gonna talk about this.
God, what a nightmare. He hadn’t expected it to go well, but he hadn’t expected this.
He turned back to the restaurant, his heart thudding against his ribs. Somehow he felt like he and Dakota were back to square one, and he had no idea what to do next.
He headed into the restaurant where Mom was sitting, hands in her lap. “He’s gone.”
“Me too. He called me sir. He hasn’t done that since the first night we had dinner together.” Jayden slumped into the booth.
“He was just uncomfortable, I’m sure.”
“I wonder why?”
“Because your mother shouldn’t drink before noon?”
“You know you have a problem when you blame the booze….” He gave her a weak smile. “I’ll call him tonight. After you land in Dallas.”
“I’m sure he’ll like that. He seems like a solid man, sure of himself.”
“I’m glad you bothered to notice.” Man, it sucked that he was driving. He could totally use a vodka and tonic.
“I did. I’m not going back on my position. This is a man that’s been brutalized for all his adult life, someone who has never learned how to love, how a good relationship works—how can he know how to love you the way you deserve?”
“I don’t know!” He flapped his hand. “I mean, I haven’t done great with attachment mapping or whatever the fuck they call it. I’m just muddling through!”
“Okay. Okay. Waiter!” The man stopped on a dime. “A vodka tonic, lots of lime for my son.” At his stare, she shrugged. “We’ll walk it off.”
She didn’t have to be to the airport until four, so he nodded. “We will.” He grabbed his bacon and munched it. What a fucking mess.
“I’ll send him an apology, baby. I’m sorry.”
“We’ll figure it out, Momma. Hell, we haven’t even had sex.”
“Oh. Well, the condom talk is still in effect.”
“I will beat you, old woman.”
She grinned at him, but her eyes held shadows. “No, you won’t. Your Pop would kill you.”
“Yeah. Yeah, he totally would wipe the floor with me.” Jayden felt tired, as if he was swimming upstream. “I think I’ve had enough personal talk, Momma. Tell me about Dallas.”
“You got it. Do you remember the Vans? They went on a cruise, and she caught him in bed with the cruise director.”
That was better. Jayden needed to get out from under the microscope. Idle chitchat was about all he could handle. He needed to figure his shit out. He needed to talk to Dakota.
He needed a fucking hug.
Hopefully his mom hadn’t scared Dakota into never wanting to give him one again.
If he had to start over again with his lover, that would suck, but at least there would still be a start.
Chapter Twenty-Four
DAKOTA DROVE home, changed into a T-shirt and shorts, and started working out there in his room. Sit-ups, push-ups, pull-ups from the over-door bar he’d bought for a dollar at a garage sale. The first hour was hard, the second hour was brutal, but the third hour made things better.
There was no emotional pain that you couldn’t murder with enough physical exhaustion.
He wanted to be mad at Jayden’s mom. He wanted to be all dramatic and shit, but… what happened when it was the truth? He wasn’t ever going to be a doctor or a lawyer or an oil man like his daddy. And what if that wasn’t his father? Was that what she’d said? It had gone so fast. So many arrows had been shot that he couldn’t be sure he’d heard them all zinging past before they’d hit. He didn’t suppose it mattered. He wasn’t ever going to be Jayden, and the worst part was, he was okay with that.
More than okay.
He loved working outside, he loved the horses, and he loved the freedom of his life. He couldn’t bear the thought of being trapped in an office, out of the sun and the wind and the world.
He wasn’t going to be proven innocent and then be free to start life like he was nineteen again. He wouldn’t go back if he could.
His chest expanded, sweat pouring off him as he panted. The big question was, did Jayden only want him if he was exonerated? That was the one question he didn’t know the answer to. He’d heard what Jayden said. If his conviction was overturned, so much wouldn’t matter anymore.
What would matter?
God, he was tired. He didn’t want to be complicated anymore.
The phone rang, startling him enough that he banged his head on the floor on his last sit-up.
“Ow. Dammit.” He grabbed the phone and answered. “’Lo?”
“Hi, honey,” Jayden said. “You okay?”
“Yeah. I bumped my head. Your momma get off okay?”
“She did.” Jayden paused long enough he knew Jayden was trying to decide what to tackle. “I’m sorry about brunch, honey. I really am.”
“I know. I’m not mad at her. She’s a mom.” He wished he had one who fought for him, but he didn’t, so he’d just be tickled that Jayden did, right? If he acted like a good person, eventually it would be real.
“I am. She crossed the line. I’m a thirtysomething adult. She needs to respect that I can make good choices, and you deserved to be treated like my significant other, not as a cross-examined witness.”
Dakota actually chuckled, Jayden’s ire possibly the most adorable thing ever. “That would have been nice.”
“It would have. She pushed it. I really wanted her to get to talk to you.” Jayden sighed. “Did you eat, Dakota? I feel like I screwed up offering your money back, but I want you to have food.”
“I wouldn’t have come to brunch if I couldn’t afford it, Jayden.” He hadn’t eaten, but it wouldn’t kill him. He could have a bowl of cereal here in a bit.
“I know. I just shorted out.” Jayden chuckled. “I could bring you B6 from Mekong.”
“Uhn.” He loved that shit—noodles and grilled pork and veggies and this kick-ass dressing. “You’re already home. I can tell. That’s too long to drive. Maybe we could go this week after work.”
“Oh, that sounds good. Maybe Tuesday. I have to be right down there that afternoon.”
Jayden sounded way happier. Maybe Jayden worried as much as he did. Hell, Jayden was a lawyer. He probably worried more.
“Good deal.” He didn’t know what to say next, so he went with nothing. He wasn’t sure how to tell the best thing in your life that you knew it was going to be over, but you were willing to take that hit.
“I—are you okay? Are we okay?” Jayden never sounded less than sure of anything, but he did now.
“Oh, honey.” He put his feet up on the mattress and stared at the ceiling. “Your momma didn’t say anything I didn’t know. Well, except for the your parents may not be your parents thing. That was new.”
“It might explain some things as far as your dad is concerned.” Jayden chuckled. “You think they’ll call you when you get the conviction overturned?”
“I don’t think they’ll care.” His lips tightened, because he’d done his research. They told everyone he was dead. His sisters were beautiful and rich and giving them grandchildren. He was alone in that. “You know that I’ll still be who I am when the DNA test comes back.”
“Of course you will. I’m just saying a lot of things will be easier.”
“Like what?” Maybe that was the way to understand, because he didn’t see it.
“Well, you can travel. You can be bonded and insured, which will really help with jobs. Lots of stuff.” Jayden sounded so excited now, warming to the subject. “You won’t have to check in with a parole officer. You can use your degree, teach if you want to. You can have a beer with me. Hell, we could start talking about you maybe moving in here.”
He frowned. But he didn’t want to teach, and while he wanted to travel, August was the busy time at work, and Jim needed all hands that could handle the heat. “What are you going to do if the DNA test doesn’t say it wasn’t me?”
He wished he could say he couldn’t imagine that happening, but God, if He existed, hated him, and if He didn’t, Dakota still had the worst luck in history.
“Hey, we have to stay positive, honey. It will come back in your favor. I know it.”
Well, that was a nonanswer. Shit, he had no idea what he woul
d do if it came back wrong, let alone what Jayden would. He hated that.
“Okay, I’m positive I didn’t rape anyone, but what will you do?” Will you still love me? Would you still want to maybe talk about living with a convicted rapist?
“I’ll be disappointed for you, of course. I want you to be able to have all the rights you had taken away,” Jayden said.
“Me too.” Really, he wasn’t sure life would change all that much, but he wouldn’t mind having his Wednesday evenings back and to be able to live somewhere no one could just look him up at. If he didn’t have to be registered, McCarthy would have a tough time finding him.
“See? It’s not about changing who you are, honey, but it will improve your circumstances.”
Dakota couldn’t decide if that absolute confidence Jayden had was dear or maddening. “Yeah. Hopefully, huh?”
Except, for the first time in his life, he was okay. He felt strong, he felt like he made decisions about how he spent his time, and he felt real.
“You know it. So I’ll call you tomorrow, but B6 on Tuesday at what? Six?”
“Six works for me, yeah.” He’d go to Sage’s afterward, or if they ended up going to Jayden’s house, he’d just call.
“Perfect.” Jayden hummed, sounding much happier. “Love you.”
“I love you, Jayden. Have a good evening, huh?” Have a good evening. Sleep well. Maybe miss me.
“Night, honey.” Jayden hung up, and Dakota tried hard not to feel as if that was their last conversation.
This was no big deal. It was just….
Hell, how did he know what it was? It was like Jayden’s mom said, what did he know about loving somebody? He hadn’t even known that you had to learn how to do that. He’d thought it just came natural.
If there was one thing Dakota did know, it was nothing in life came easy, though. He’d just have to keep trying and hope for the best.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“HEY, ANYONE need anything from the Wild Herb? I need more hummus and peppers.” Jayden really needed to get the hell out of the cabin and go anywhere his brother and sister-in-law weren’t. She was pregnant again, and every time his brother sneezed, Marcie burst into tears.
