by Nia Anderson
"Yeah, that makes sense." Ryan nodded as if he’d thought of it himself. "Well, yeah, just let me know what I need to do and I’ll do whatever I can."
"Well, first we need to get your contact information. Thankfully your mother still lived at the same address or we would have had a hard time finding you." Yvette slid a paper over to him to fill out.
No longer anxious that he was going to run into Grace, Ryan concentrated on the numerous papers and pamphlets on bone marrow transfers. His mind was whirling as he grappled at how he was supposed to feel. Should he be sad? Remorseful? He was so inundated and overwhelmed that he almost didn’t see her.
Almost, that is.
Chapter four
It was weird to see someone that you’d been thinking about non-stop for the past twenty-four hours. Yet, when Grace did see Ryan walk out of the agency, weird was the only word to adequately describe what she was feeling.
She recognized him right away even though he’d cut his hair much shorter than it was the last time she’d seen him. He also still wore his shirts in layers, a look he became known for during their high school years. And he was still pretty thin.
Grace inhaled as she watched him walk towards his vehicle – a dark red truck that she had never seen before. She was so occupied with what he was doing that she didn’t pay attention to what she was doing. Absent-mindedly, she turned her key in her car’s ignition. That wouldn’t have been such an issue except her car was already running. As a result, the car sounded loudly and obnoxiously in protest at her action.
It was loud enough for Ryan to turn and look her way, anyway. Grace kept her eyes on her lap and waited the appropriate amount of time before she looked up to see if Ryan had seen or recognized her. Not able to contain the curiosity any longer, Grace turned and looked to see if he’d seen her. Sure enough, he had.
At first the pair simply stared at one another. Grace wasn’t sure he was aware of what he was actually looking at until he raised his hand in a still wave. She returned the gesture. There was a brief moment of inactivity before Ryan began walking towards Grace’s car. Grace finally exhaled as she got out to meet him.
"Hi," he spoke first.
"Hi,” she answered quietly.
All too soon, they were reminded of why they were actually meeting, as Grace’s eyes focused on the brochures in Ryan’s hands.
"Did they give you that inside?" she questioned.
"Yeah. You didn’t get any of this?" he asked.
Grace shook her head. "It’s awful, isn’t it?"
Ryan shrugged. "I don’t even understand it, to tell you the truth. I can’t wrap my head around what they’re trying to tell me and I can’t even bear to ask questions."
"Me either." Grace agreed. "I’m afraid of the answers."
"So, are you going to be a donor?"
"Yes, yes, of course. Aren’t you?"
"I told them I’d do whatever I could. I’m not looking forward to the pain though."
"It seems like such a small price to pay for…the baby’s future."
As soon as she said it, she felt awkward. The baby wasn’t a baby anymore. Funny how she was stuck at that moment in time…the moment when she handed her baby over to the adoption representative.
Ryan didn’t add any commentary to Grace’s last thought. He watched her quietly for a moment. Grace looked everywhere but in his eyes. Suddenly she wanted nothing more than to get in her car and disappear.
"So how’ve you been?" Ryan filled the empty silence.
"Oh, fine. Busy with school and all." Grace responded. "You?"
"Nothing much. Just working."
"That’s great." Grace didn’t bother to ask what Ryan did for a living. She didn’t want to appear nosy or too anxious to keep the conversation going. "Well good luck with …everything."
Ryan looked perplexed as Grace began to get back inside her vehicle. Grace could see that he wanted to continue talking, but she didn’t have much more to say. The seriousness of the situation under which they were meeting was beginning to take its toll on her, yet here they were making small talk about jobs and school. Grace would have preferred they say nothing at all.
"So, will I know if you’re a match to be a donor?" Ryan asked Grace as she slipped back into her car.
She left the door open as she contemplated her answer. Finally she blurted, "We’re not going to match."
"What?" Ryan wondered if he’d heard he right. "Then why are they testing us?"
Grace almost started her response with, If it were my child… But it was her child. Though she wasn’t raising him, she did give birth to him.
"They want to try every possibility, even if the odds are a million to one." She sighed.
"A million to one? We’re his parents. How can we not be a match?"
"Because he has half of my DNA and half of yours. In order for either of us to be possible donors, you and I have to have similar genes. What are the odds of that happening?"
"How do you know this?"
"They told me." Grace nodded towards the adoption agency. "Didn’t they tell you?"
"Nothing of the sort." Ryan looked disappointed. "So what are we going to do?"
"Just have the test, I guess."
"I know that, but if we can’t be donors…then what?"
Grace shrugged and shook her head. She felt her throat begin to tighten and her eyes tingled. She knew she was about to cry and she didn’t want to do it in front of Ryan. She didn’t want to cry at all, but she had a feeling she wouldn’t have much control over it.
"I’d better get going. Good luck and take care." Grace put on her seatbelt and shut the door before Ryan could make another attempt at continuing the conversation.
When she saw his shadow disappear from outside her car door window, Grace let the tears flow. She expected a soft trickle of tears, but her body would not relent until she surrendered to the gut wrenching sobs that insisted upon coming out. Over and over in her head played the one question she had been too afraid to ask: Is this my fault? Did I cause this somehow?
Grace was sure that on some level it was her fault, and for this reason she rested her head on her steering wheel and allowed her sorrow to overcome her.
Chapter five
Ryan was taken aback at Grace’s sudden abruptness. For a minute he thought she was joking, but why would she joke at a time like this? Grace always did deal with pain and grief in an odd way. He had just forgotten.
Ryan backed away from her car and headed towards his own. He glanced over his shoulder to take one last look at her and the sight he saw touched his heart. Grace was slumped over her steering wheel and he could see her body shake with each sob. He watched her from afar as if she were a stranger. But she wasn’t a stranger, and neither was he.
She was Grace and he was Ryan. They had been friends once…more than friends. They had a history together.
Allowing his memories to steer the way, Ryan walked back over to Grace. He didn’t bother to knock on her window. He simply pulled the latch on her door and opened it. Grace looked startled for a moment, but it faded as soon as she saw that it was Ryan. Then her features settled as if she had been expecting him all along.
"I’m sorry." She sniffed. "I don’t know what …" Grace didn’t finish her thought. She didn’t know what words could explain her feelings anyway.
Ryan knelt down beside Grace and placed his hand on her arm. Although the gesture felt cold and distant, he hadn’t seen Grace in quite some time and anything more seemed intrusive.
"I’m not going to pretend to have all the answers…or any answers for that matter. But I do know you, and I think I know what you’re thinking,” Ryan began.
Grace shook her head as if to say there was no possible way he knew her current thoughts.
"It’s not our fault,” Ryan said with finality. "There’s nothing we could have done to prevent this."
"How do you know that?" Grace’s voice shook.
"Because…what logical explana
tion can you give me that would prove that we could have prevented this?"
"Maybe if we’d kept him…"
"Giving him up for adoption doesn't change his genetic make-up, Grace."
"Well what if they live by a nuclear power plant? Or electromagnetic fields or something?"
"They don’t."
"How do you know? You don’t know!"
"And neither do you."
"Well I know that I didn’t want to give him up. We had to, because of you. And now look what’s happened." Grace’s facial expression changed from one of sorrow to one of anger.
Ryan removed his hand from Grace’s arm and stood up. He didn’t have the energy to fight with her so he simply restated, "It’s not our fault," and walked back to his truck.
This time Ryan didn’t bother to look back. He started his ignition and sped away. He tried not to let his anger get the best of him, but he was so distracted by his encounter with Grace that he ran a stop sign. And just his luck, there was a motorcycle cop across the street. Ryan didn’t bother to wait until the cop turned on his lights. He simply pulled over.
By the time Ryan arrived at his girlfriend’s house, he was in a horrendous mood. Sophia opened the door with a barrage of questions. Ryan held up his hand to field her off.
"It didn’t go well?" she asked.
"Matthew has leukemia. They want bone marrow donors,” Ryan explained.
"You’re not going to do it, are you?" Sophia asked.
"Are you serious?" Ryan asked incredulously.
"Ryan, these are the people, who after agreeing to an open adoption, moved halfway across the country. They never returned your requests for photos. Now that they want something you’re supposed to drop everything and give it to them?"
"This isn’t about them, Sophia. It’s about my son." Ryan’s tone was harsh and abrupt. Sophia stepped back and rethought her words.
"I’m sorry, babe. You must be pretty stressed out."
Ryan didn’t disagree. Instead he sat down on the sofa and ran his fingers through his short hair.
"Was Grace there?" Sophia asked in guarded apprehension.
"I saw her, but we weren’t seen together. She’s such a…fatalist." Ryan sighed.
"What’d she look like?" Sophia asked.
"I don’t know. Like Grace." Ryan seemed irritated by the question.
"I mean, did she look the same or did you hardly recognize her?"
"Sophia, it’s been eight years, not twenty."
"I know, but she could have gotten totally fat and stuff."
Ryan shook his head and rolled his eyes. Sophia’s jealousy was not one of her finer qualities. In fact, it was one he could barely stand.
"She looked the same,” he said in a flat tone. "I only talked to her for a second. Long enough for her to tell me everything was all my fault."
"She actually said that? She blamed the leukemia on you?" Sophia seemed to be angrier than Ryan was.
"She was just upset…"
"And you weren’t? I swear, if I ever see Grace on the street… I can’t believe you’re not mad."
"I didn’t say I wasn’t…can we talk about something else? I’ve had all I can handle of this for one day."
"You know what? You should film this. It would be an interesting documentary,” Sophia suggested.
"Matthew’s parents would never allow it."
"Screw them. I’m not talking about their part anyway. I’m talking about yours. I’ll film you talking about it today. We can film you in the doctor’s office when you go to find out if you can be a donor…did you say you were going to do it?"
"Of course I did!" Ryan was agitated. He softened his tone when he noticed the hurt look on Sophia’s face. "I’m really tired. I think I’d better go."
"No," Sophia protested. "I feel like I’ve hardly seen you. Stay here tonight."
"Sophia, I really need to sleep. If I stay here, we won’t sleep."
"We will…eventually." Sophia said with a coy grin.
Ryan smiled and gave in. He could always sleep tomorrow.
Chapter six
Grace tried to assume all implications of normalcy as she pulled into the parking lot of her favorite café downtown. Her friend, whom she was meeting for lunch, was already inside. Grace recognized the red sports car as soon as she saw it.
"Sorry I’m late," Grace apologized.
"I’m used to it.” Morgan grinned.
Morgan had become one of Grace’s best friends since she graduated college. Though they had never really bonded while they were in school together, the two now interned together at a law firm and had become very close as a result.
"Did you order?" Grace glanced at the menu even though she knew exactly what she’d be having.
"Not yet. I actually just got here myself."
Grace noticed how Morgan was watching her. She decided to let it go and went up to the counter to order lunch.
"So, are you almost done with studying for the bar?" Grace asked as she placed a chicken sandwich in front of Morgan.
"At this point, I don’t think I’ll ever be finished. I should be studying every waking moment of the day, but seriously, who can function like that?" Morgan asked as she unwrapped her sandwich.
"Tell me about it." Grace offered little else as she began eating.
The two sat in silence eating and people watching until Morgan finally spoke up.
"So, my mom called me last night…" she began.
"Yeah?" Grace took a sip of her tea.
"Yeah. She talked to your mom…Matthew has leukemia?"
Grace’s first inclination was to deny any knowledge of what Morgan was speaking of, but before she knew what was happening, her eyes began to well up with tears.
"I can’t…" Grace stopped to suppress sorrow. "I can’t talk about this. I know I should have called you, but you don’t understand…"
"No, it’s okay. Just let me know if there’s anything I can do. Don’t take this on all alone, Grace. Remember what happened last time…" Morgan reminded Grace of her brief jaunt with alcoholism.
"I know, I know. And I won’t let it go there, trust me." Grace looked around at the neighboring tables before leaning in closer to Morgan. "I’m just really embarrassed."
"Embarrassed? Of what?" Morgan wasn’t sure she’d heard correctly.
Grace shook her head as she struggled to find the words to convey exactly what she was feeling. "I don’t feel right,” she finally said.
"Well of course you don’t. You’ve just received horrible news. Anyone in your position would probably feel sick, or—”
"That’s not what I mean," Grace interrupted. "I mean that I should feel sad or scared, and I do, a little bit. But mostly, I’m just mad…and guilty."
"Why? It’s not your fault Matthew’s sick."
"I know. Ryan said the same thing…"
"You saw Ryan? How’d that go?"
Grace nodded. "It was okay, I guess. To tell you the truth, I don’t even remember the encounter much. Except the part where I blamed him."
"You blamed him for Matthew being sick?" Morgan was so astonished she almost laughed.
"I know, it’s horrible. I hated myself the whole time I was talking to him, but I just couldn’t shut up."
"You can’t still be mad at him about the adoption. Not after all these years."
"My head knows that. Now just tell it to my heart."
Morgan offered a sympathetic smile. She knew the turmoil that plagued Grace all these years. It was a turmoil that she, herself, could never imagine. What must it be like to give up a child? Morgan suspected that Grace’s biggest problem with giving up her son was how much she loved his father – And Morgan definitely wasn't convinced that Grace had ever really stopped loving Ryan, though she would never say so.
"So did you apologize?" Morgan asked.
Grace looked down at her napkin and shook her head. "I called his mom and got his number, but I haven’t called him yet. He’ll probably just hang
up on me."
"So? At least you would have made the first move. You owe him that much."
"I know. And I will. It just seems so…empty." Saying sorry after saying a slew of mean things to someone just didn’t seem to measure up. And if Grace knew anything about Ryan, it was that he’d have no problem telling her as much.
