by Nia Anderson
"I’ll bet you one month’s rent that he doesn’t stop calling even after you find out about the pregnancy." Morgan fingered a set of bathroom towels.
"Well of course he’s not going to stop calling if I am."
"And if you’re not?"
"This is a ridiculous conversation. Why are we even having it?" Grace walked over to a display of stainless steel bowls even though she had no desire to purchase them.
As they continued shopping, Grace marveled at how low the prices were. Some of the boxes may have been slightly banged up, but most of the merchandise was in perfect condition. When Grace asked a sales clerk about the prices, she was informed that the items were either damaged or lost freight, overstock, or discontinued items.
"It doesn’t seem fair that they sell stuff some company lost in the mail,” Grace complained.
"Their loss is our gain." Morgan smiled. "Besides, what should they do with it? Throw it away?"
Grace shrugged. She was about to suggest they call it a day when she saw a bin of pregnancy tests for only one dollar.
"Are you going to buy one?" Morgan came and stood beside her.
"I’m thinking of buying two…or three,” Grace said. "Just in case."
Morgan felt sorry for Grace at that moment. Here she was going on and on about how wonderful their new apartment was going to be and Grace was struggling with a life-altering event.
"Have I been insensitive?" Morgan asked. "I was just trying to take your mind off the baby so you wouldn’t worry."
"I know." Grace nodded. "It’s not working, but I know your intentions were good." Grace patted Morgan softly on the back.
"Come on. I’ll buy you a falafel." Morgan smiled. The two girls made their purchases and walked out of the store.
Grace had always heard that mothers could tell when their daughters were pregnant. Although that hadn’t been the case the first time, Grace made an effort to steer clear of her mother. She took a walk, cleaned her room, did her laundry, washed her hair, and she was just about to go wash her car when the phone rang. It was Ryan.
Again.
"Are you going crazy?" he asked her.
"Yes!" Grace answered with emphasis.
"Me too. Do you want to come by? It’s no fun going crazy alone,” Ryan invited.
"Sure. Should I get dinner?"
"Nah, that’s all right. I’ll take care of it. Pizza okay with you?"
"Fine by me."
Suddenly Grace didn’t feel so afraid anymore. Worried, yes, but not afraid. As she gathered up her purse in preparation to leave for Ryan’s house, her eyes fell upon the bag that held her pregnancy tests. She quickly shoved one test inside her purse and hid the other two behind her dresser.
When she arrived at Ryan’s apartment, his front door was open and there was loud hip hop music blaring from his stereo.
"Hello?" Grace called over the sound. Ryan didn’t hear her though and when he came from the back of the apartment carrying garbage bags, he jumped when he saw her. Immediately he turned the music down.
"Hey. Sorry about that." He pointed to the stereo.
"I’m sure your neighbors would like an apology too." Grace pointed to the ceiling towards Ryan’s upstairs neighbors.
"Oh, no one lives up there. And the people across the hall blast their music all the time." Ryan excused himself. "I’ll be right back."
While Ryan was taking out the trash, Grace looked around at his meager surroundings. He had a couch, a chair, a television and a stereo in the front room. There was a small dining table with two chairs in the alcove just off the kitchen. And down the hall Grace assumed was Ryan’s bedroom and bathroom. It was small but perfect for one person.
"Pizza’s here,” Ryan announced. He had intercepted the deliveryman at the end of his walkway.
"Great. I’m starving,” Grace said.
Ryan looked over at her. He didn’t say anything but he wondered if that alone meant she was pregnant. Weren’t pregnant women always hungry?
"What’d you eat today?" he asked from the kitchen where he was washing his hands.
"A falafel,” Grace answered.
Ryan took comfort in the fact that she hadn’t eaten much. He handed her a paper plate with two slices of pizza. "Sorry. Haven’t unpacked my fine china yet,” he joked.
"This is fine." Grace took a seat at the small table. Ryan sat down across from her even though he didn’t remember the last time he’d eaten a meal at a table. He usually sat in the living room in front of the television.
"So, how are you feeling?" Ryan asked.
Grace shook her head. "I don’t feel any different…except for a few headaches, but I always get headaches."
There was a few moments of silence before Ryan said, "At least it wouldn’t be as bad this time as it was last time..."
"Yeah, we’re not in high school anymore,” Grace agreed.
"And I already have my own place." Ryan gestured to his surroundings.
Grace remembered their hair-brained scheme of getting an apartment of their own when they were still in high school. "How do you think we would have done if we’d moved in together back then?" she asked him.
It was Ryan’s turn to shake his head. "I’m almost positive we wouldn’t have made it. There wasn’t enough hours in the day for me to work enough to pay the rent."
"Yeah, what were we thinking?" Grace laughed.
"We were thinking we were on our own…with a baby."
"Yeah…" Grace trailed off.
"What do you want to do if you are pregnant?"
"Don’t you mean if we are?"
Ryan shrugged. "Yeah, if we are."
"I haven’t really thought much about it. Have you?"
"No. But I’ll support you in whatever you decide to do."
Grace read between the lines of what Ryan was saying. He meant an abortion.
Many things had changed over the years, but Grace’s politics and moral character where abortion was concerned had not. There was no way she was going to consider that.
"I’m not going to have an abortion, Ryan,” Grace said.
"Okay." Ryan nodded. "I said I’d support you in whatever you decide. If you want to keep it, we’ll keep it, if you want to give it up for adoption…" Ryan trailed off.
Grace recognized his uncomfortableness immediately. They’d already given one child up for adoption. Did they really want to venture down that road again?
"I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it." Grace sighed. She picked up her plate and napkin and threw it into the trashcan. Ryan followed suit before walking into the living room and flipping on the television. Grace welcomed the diversion from reality.
Ryan and Grace sat side by side on the couch watching a movie with a really bad plot, yet neither of them were paying enough attention to suggest changing the channel.
Grace tried to concentrate on what was going on but she just couldn’t. She looked over at Ryan to see how he was fairing, but he wasn’t watching the TV at all – he was watching her.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"I’m scared, Ryan,” Grace whispered.
Ryan held his arm out and Grace snuggled up under it. Grace’s eyes teared up and she began to cry softly into Ryan’s chest.
"Whatever happens, it’s you and me, okay?" he said soothingly as he ran his hand over her hair.
Grace leaned forward and covered her face with her hands. She was no longer crying, but she wanted to block everything out…except for Ryan, who was now rubbing her back in an effort to help her relax. Grace appreciated the pillar he was trying to be for her. When she rested against him a second time, Ryan leaned over and kissed her. He had been resisting the urge to do so ever since the moment she’d walked into the apartment. However, now the moment seemed right, and it was apparent that Grace agreed, because she was kissing him back.
The night was getting late and Grace hadn’t even given her parents a heads up about her whereabouts. It was an issue of courtesy since
she was staying in their house. Reluctantly, she pulled away from Ryan and picked up her purse. In doing so, the pregnancy test fell out. Ryan saw it.
"What’s that for?" Ryan asked. "Can you take that now or do you have to wait until tomorrow?"
"I have a couple more. Usually you’re supposed to take it first thing in the morning, but this one says you can take it any time." Grace read from the box. "Should I…just to see?"
"Yeah." Ryan lead Grace to his small bathroom. She slipped inside and closed the door.
Ryan paced the hallway as he waited for Grace to emerge. He heard the click of the doorknob a lot sooner than he’d expected. When Grace exited, she looked happy and very relieved.
"I got my period,” she told him.
Ryan let out a whoop of joy. He never thought four words could bring him such joy. As Grace watched Ryan’s joyful display, she made a silent oath with herself to never forget this moment. She needed to learn from it so that she’d never be in this position again.
Epilogue
"What the heck is in this box?" Ryan complained as he sat a box down on the counter in Morgan and Grace’s apartment.
Morgan turned around and read the small writing on the side. "Those are Grace’s books,” she said before turning her attention back to unpacking dishes.
"Can I just leave them here?" Ryan asked hopefully.
"Books don’t go in the kitchen, Ryan." Morgan rolled her eyes. "Put ‘em in Grace’s room. Not like you won’t be spending a lot of time in there anyway."
Ryan shook his head and made his way down the hall. Although he and Grace hadn’t exactly labeled their relationship, it was obvious that they had one.
Ryan put the box of books down on Grace’s bed. As he was walking out, he turned and looked around her room. Although he had never seen most of the stuff that was in there, it all looked familiar to him. That was the summation of his life with Grace: even when she was gone, she was there.
Back in the kitchen, Ryan was looking for Grace. He hadn’t seen her in about fifteen minutes. Morgan was still working earnestly in the kitchen.
"Have you seen Grace?" Ryan asked.
"She’s out back. I think she’s on the phone." Morgan pointed.
Ryan looked out the window, and sure enough, he saw Grace with her back to the apartment ending a telephone call. She looked up as Ryan walked up to her.
"That was Monica. She got the roses this morning. She said they were beautiful. Great idea to send them, Ryan." Grace smiled.
"How’s Matthew?" Ryan shrugged off the compliment.
"Everything is going fine. He’s home now. They’re planning on throwing a huge party for him this summer when his immune system is stronger. She said we’re invited."
"Cool. I’ll have to remember to get the time off work." Ryan leaned against the railing that framed Grace and Morgan’s terrace.
"So you’re going to go, then?" Grace asked.
"Yeah. Aren’t you?"
Grace shook her head. "No,” she said quietly. She sighed. Her eyes stared at the scenery off in the distance. There was a park across the street and a man was there playing Frisbee with his dog. "After the reality of the adoption sank in…knowing my baby was gone, my mom told me that one day I’d understand my decision and that I’d have peace with it. I told her she was wrong. And she was for a long time. I just couldn’t see the best thing for my baby…our baby…as being away from us." Grace turned and looked at Ryan before continuing. "But that day we were in the hospital, before Matthew’s surgery, when he called Monica ‘mom’…it broke and mended my heart at the same time…Am I making any sense?"
"I don’t know…kinda." Ryan shrugged.
"I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know now, for me and for Matthew, that the best thing I can do is to take my hands off everything. I’ve been doing it physically. Now it’s time for me to do it emotionally. For eight years I’ve sent two letters a month, I kept track of Matthew’s birthdays and all of the milestones Monica told me about. It was like I was experiencing motherhood through her. But then when I looked at him, so helpless in that hospital, so scared, I realized that I would never be ‘Mom’ to him. The best thing I can do is love him from afar." Grace smoothed down her hair as it flapped in the wind. "So I told Monica thanks but no thanks on the party."
Ryan nodded but was silent. He acknowledged the same man across the street in the park with the dog.
"I guess I’m the opposite,” he finally said. "I thought it was best for me to act as if Matthew didn’t exist. He had a family and I wasn’t a part of it. But when I saw him…when I saw myself…and you, in him, I felt so…guilty. Such a beautiful boy and I wanted to act like he didn’t exist, just to ease my own conscience." Ryan kicked at the concrete beneath his foot. "Being at that hospital was like getting a second chance. I realized that it wasn’t too late to be someone in Matthew’s life. Even if I’m just a guy in a photograph…I never want him to have to look for me, Grace. I hope that one day, when he’s old enough, he’ll just know that I'm his father because I was always there in one way or another."
Grace laughed softly to herself.
"What’s so funny?" Ryan asked.
"Not really funny, just ironic…You’re coming out of the shadows and I’m going into them. I guess you could say we’ve switched places."
"I wouldn’t say that." Ryan smirked.
Grace watched him closely. If she looked hard enough, he looked exactly the same as he had when she’d first laid eyes on him in the fourth grade.
"I saw the recording,” Grace blurted out. "Your mom showed it to me."
Ryan nodded. "I know."
"You knew?"
"Yeah. My mom can’t keep a secret to save her life. Even if it might get her into trouble." Ryan laughed. "I just figured I wouldn’t bring it up if you didn’t."
"And all this time I was so afraid that I was going to slip and say something about it." Grace looked over to see Ryan smiling at her. "Well now that it’s out in the open, can I correct you on something?"
"What’s that?" Ryan asked.
"I did love you, Ryan,” Grace said.
They both diverted their eyes. Grace’s admission had rendered the moment awkward. For it wasn’t the past that they were most concerned about, it was the present and the future. Was there one for them?
Inside, Morgan answered the door. She was excited to be getting her very first visitor in her new apartment. Too bad Grace wasn’t around to share in this "first". Morgan opened the door with a big smile on her face. She was surprised to see Grace’s mother there.
"Mrs. Thompson?" Morgan seemed puzzled.
"Hi. I just thought I’d help out by bringing over this last box of things that belonged to Grace. Is she around?" Grace’s mother asked.
"She’s around here somewhere,” Morgan said nervously. She glanced over her shoulder towards the terrace. "I can go get her."
"No, no, that’s okay." Mrs. Thompson smiled. "So how have you been?"
Morgan cringed at not being able to warn Grace that her mother was there. After all, she had no idea how Grace’s mother would react to finding Ryan there.
"I’ve been good." Morgan’s eyes darted around nervously.
"That’s good. I talked to your mother earlier this week. She said you are really excited to be sharing an apartment with Grace."
"I am."
"Well I’m glad you two were able to make this work. You’ve been a great friend for Grace."
"She’s been a great friend to me, too." Morgan could tell Mrs. Thompson was trying to get to something. Morgan wished she’d just say it and get it over with.
"That’s good." Mrs. Thompson shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "I’m not really sure, but I think Grace has been dealing with…something…and I would rest a lot easier if I knew she wasn’t going through it alone."
There was an awkward silence before Morgan realized that Mrs. Thompson was waiting for her to respond. "Uh…I wasn’t aware that Grace w
as going through anything."
Mrs. Thompson removed a crumpled up drugstore bag from her purse. Morgan knew what was in the bag before she looked inside.
"Should I be worried?" Mrs. Thompson asked with concern.
Morgan shook her head. "No…"
"Good. Because Grace isn’t even dating anyone and I’d hate to think my daughter was out there, casually…well, you know."
"Actually, those are mine. I asked Grace to hang on to them for me. I've been staying with my mom until the move and she would have freaked had she found them.” Morgan made up the story as she was speaking.
