by Theresa Alan
“Jason, you know I’m with Scott now. I can’t believe you just did that.”
He stared at her.
“Look, I know you’re depressed about Marin, but you can’t expect me to be your distraction while you try to get over her,” she said.
“That’s not it at all. Ana, you’ve liked me for six years. Everyone knows it.”
“Of course I like you, Jason. I love you. I love everyone in this house. And yes, I had a crush on you for six years, but I’m really happy with Scott. I’m really happy. I haven’t felt like this with anybody since . . . I don’t know that I’ve ever felt like this with anybody.”
“Don’t you think you owe it to yourself to give us a try?” He started getting all excited, the way he did when he’d come up with an idea he felt certain would solve all the world’s problems, or at least some of them. “Just one date. What could it hurt?”
“God, I don’t know, Scott’s feelings? My relationship with him?”
“You said I needed to stand up for myself. Take what I want. I want you.”
“Jason, you’ve been drinking. You probably won’t even remember this conversation in the morning. You should really go to bed now.”
Ana scurried up the stairs back to her bedroom and slid next to Scott. Should she tell him about the kiss? But actors have to kiss each other all the time. What was a kiss among actors, and a drunken one at that?
Scott would be furious with Jason. There was no reason to start a conflict between them.
She wouldn’t say anything.
So why did she feel like she was lying?
All day at work, Ana thought about what Jason had said. Of course she was still attracted to him, but she’d come to realize that things between her and Jason could never work out. They were just too different. Anyway, she knew he really hadn’t fallen out of love with Marin. He hated dating as much as the rest of them did, and so he went for one of his closest friends—ignoring the fact she was dating his best friend. Still, Ana thought about what he said about giving him one date. She had pined for him for six years. No, no, what was she thinking? She loved Scott.
She couldn’t shut off the internal dialogue, the questions about her feelings about Scott and Jason over the years. Could she have been just as happy with Jason as with Scott? Could emotions really be switched on and off so quickly? She’d idealized Jason and imagined a perfect love to have something to dream about, something to distract her from her humdrum reality. Whatever she’d once felt for Jason no longer mattered. She loved Scott. There were no doubts in her mind.
When she got home from work, Jason was at his usual post grading papers at the kitchen table. “Hey,” she said. “Where is everybody?” She dropped her bags and slipped her coat off. She went to the fridge to get a glass of Crystal Light peach tea.
“Ramiro’s out with Nick, Marin’s with Jay, and Scott’s in his room.”
Ana drank her tea, put the glass in the dishwasher, and gasped when she turned around—Jason was standing right there, she’d nearly run into him.
“Did you think about what I said last night?” he said quietly. He stood so close to her she could feel his warm breath on her cheek. She looked at his full lips. What would it be like to kiss them?
What was wrong with her? She had a boyfriend whom she loved.
“Of course not. It’s ridiculous.”
“I have. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.”
“Earth to Jason. Remember Scott? He’s your best friend. What are you thinking?”
“He’ll understand. You and I, we’re meant to be together. I just couldn’t see it.”
“Jason, until the day before yesterday, you were certain you and Marin were destined to be together. Don’t you think it’s a little weird that suddenly you think you and I are supposed to be together? Maybe you’re going crazy from loneliness or horniness or something. Get it together, man!”
“Just one date. You owe it to yourself to give me one date. Six years you’ve wanted to be with me. Don’t you deserve to see if we’re really supposed to be together?”
“I’m going upstairs now. To my boyfriend, Scott.”
Ana marched upstairs to Scott’s room where he was working on an abstract painting.
Ana gave him a kiss. “What’s it a picture of?”
“See this, that’s a comedian. This is the audience. I call it Hecklers.”
“Oh yeah, I can see that. Very cool.” Ana stripped out of her work clothes and slipped into her sweats.
She collapsed on the bed and chewed her lip thoughtfully. Just one date. You owe it to yourself to give me one date. Six years you’ve wanted to be with me. Don’t you deserve to see if we’re really supposed to be together? Did she owe it to herself? What was one date after all?
Should she tell Scott about Jason?
Instead she asked, “If you didn’t have to worry about money, what would you do? Be an artist? An actor?”
“Yes. Both.”
“What’s your dream with your art?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean do you want your own gallery in New York? To have a show at the Guggenheim? To sell your work for millions?”
“I don’t have any goals with my art. I just like to do it. It’s how I relax.”
“But don’t you want people to know your work, know you? Don’t you want people to see your stuff?”
“I’m not like you, Ana. I don’t need to be rich and famous to feel like I’m a worthwhile person.”
That took Ana aback. “Is that what you think of me? That I think only the rich and famous are worthwhile human beings?”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant it for you. You act like if you can’t make it big, you’re not special. Like your life doesn’t have any meaning. I don’t think like that. I think if you’re a good friend to people, if you’re kind and honest and loving, you’ve led a worthwhile life. You don’t have to be a famous artist or a rich comedian. You just need to do your best to be a good person.”
Ana started to protest, but then realized he was right.
“Yeah, okay, I see your point. I guess I’ll buy that. But I think you should give me some more of your paintings just in case you do become rich someday, I can sell them for truckloads of cash.”
“Do you want this painting?”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Awesome. Yes. Ooh, I know just where I’ll put it in my room. You’ll sign it, right?”
“For you, Ana my love, anything.”
For several days, Jason sent Ana a barrage of emails extolling her virtues. She found a note from him in her purse that said:
Ana and Jason. It was meant to be. You mean all the world to me.
—J
Rhyming love poetry. Sharpen the razor blades, it was wrist-slitting time.
When she’d discovered the note, her heart shuddered. She felt like she had when she’d tried shoplifting in fifth grade. She hadn’t even wanted the stupid trinket she’d stolen, she’d just wanted to steal something. As she’d raced home on her bike, she was certain the police were in hot pursuit, ready to toss her into jail until she was a brittle old woman. She decided after that that the thrill of seeing what she could get away with wasn’t worth the terror of getting caught. And that’s how she felt now: Guilty. Worried she would get caught. She was going to have to tell Scott, but she knew it could royally mess up his relationship with Jason. She dreaded having to tell him. But what if he’d found this note? He would be so hurt. He wouldn’t know that Jason was suffering temporary insanity; he’d think she was cheating on him.
A few nights later, Jason was making dinner for everyone—vegetable soup, salad, and homemade bread.
“Hey you,” Ana said to Jason.
“Hey. Dinner’s almost ready.”
“Cool.”
Ana went to the living room, where Scott was playing golf on the X-Box. Ana plopped down next to
him.
“Hey babe,” she said.
“Hey.” He kept right on playing, staring at the TV screen and ignoring her completely.
“Glad you’re so excited to see me.”
“I’m thrilled.”
Jason came into the room.
“Dinner ready?” Scott asked.
“Almost. Look, Scott, I need to talk to you.”
“Right now?”
“It’s important.”
“More important than golf?”
“More important than golf.”
Scott paused his game. “ ’S-up?”
“Scott, the other night I kissed Ana.”
“Jason!” Ana shrieked.
“Why didn’t you tell me this?” Scott asked her.
“Jason was drunk. He was upset after seeing Marin with Jay. He didn’t mean it.”
“I did mean it. Scott, I know you love her, but I’ve finally realized that Ana and I are meant to be together. Ana’s loved me for six years, and I . . .”
“I can’t believe you kissed him. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
“I didn’t kiss him. He kissed me.”
“Scott, I don’t want to hurt you, but I think Ana and I need to give it a shot. Just one date.”
Ana: “Jason, do I get a vote in any of this? Were you there when I said I didn’t want to go out with you? I love Scott.”
Scott: “Do you want to go out with him?”
Ana: “Ah! No, I just said that. No, I don’t want to go out with him.”
Scott: “So you and Jason have been talking about going out together? How long has this been going on?”
Ana: “He kissed me on Sunday night. He keeps pestering me to go out with him but I don’t want to . . .”
Scott: “Why didn’t you tell me any of this? How could you keep this from me?”
Ana: “I kept hoping Jason would snap out it. He’s depressed about Marin and he’s gone off the deep end.”
Scott: “Have you thought about it?”
Ana: “Thought about what?”
“Going out with him.”
“No, no, of course not.”
“You never even considered it? Wondered what it would be like? I mean recently. Since you and I have been going out?”
“No, maybe. I’m not sure. I’m all confused.”
“Confused about your feelings for me?”
“No. I love you . . .”
“Ana, please. One date. I’ll take you out right now. If it doesn’t work out, at least we’ll know.”
“You should go,” Scott said.
“What?! Are you insane? Scott, I don’t . . .”
“Go. Just go.”
“Nice. You’re not even going to fight for me? Shouldn’t you two be dueling it out? Instead you just give up on me like that?”
“I know you’ve had a crush on him forever. I can’t compete with Jason.”
“Scott, you don’t have to compete. There is no competition. I love you. I can’t believe I’m having this conversation.”
“Ana, if you don’t see where this goes, you’ll always hold it against me.”
“No I won’t. I can’t believe my boyfriend is encouraging me to go out with another man.”
Scott jumped up. He darted upstairs. Ana followed after him.
He sat at his easel and began painting furiously, attacking the canvas with his brush.
“Ana, I want to be alone. Please go away.”
“Why are you mad at me? I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You kissed him and you don’t think you did anything wrong?”
“For the tenth time, Scott, I didn’t kiss him; he kissed me. It was one drunken kiss. Get a grip.”
“So you don’t think it’s a big deal? Anytime I get drunk I can go kiss whoever I want?”
“Look, Jason is the person you should be mad at, not me. Do you really think so little of our relationship that one look from another guy and I’m going to leave you?”
Scott shrugged. “Maybe not.”
“I’m going to go out with Jason right now, but NOT on a date. He and I need to talk. He’s trying to talk himself into liking me so he can get over Marin.”
“Have fun on your date.”
“You know what Scott, fuck you.” Ana ran downstairs to Jason. “Okay, I’m ready for our date. Romance away. Try to steal my heart. Have at it.”
Jason clapped his hands together. “Okay, this won’t be as good as if I had time to prepare, but spontaneous, that’s romantic right? I have to take the soup off the burner and get the bread out of the oven. Just give me a minute.”
Ana couldn’t think straight. What was she doing? What had just happened? In five minutes, it felt like her whole life had fallen to pieces. Get your head straight: You’re going to talk with Jason, figure out what’s made him go loony, help him realize he doesn’t really love you. Or maybe you’ll fall in love with him, break Scott’s heart, and we’ll all hate each other and have to move out of the house and I’ll lose all my friends and the world will be over. Something like that.
Jason took her to the Beehive, a small, elegant, dimly lit restaurant a few blocks away. He ordered a bottle of wine. Then he looked at Ana expectantly.
“This is a little awkward, isn’t it?” he said.
“Just a little.”
“What should we talk about?”
“How you’re a total jerk for hurting Scott’s feelings and not listening to me, maybe? What’s going on with you, Jason? Normally you’re Mister Save the World, and this week you don’t care who or what you hurt.”
“You told me . . .” The waiter came back with their wine and poured them each a glass. “You told me that I should go for what I want.”
“Well you want me, great. Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you want me?”
“You’re attractive, you’re focused, you’re talented. What’s not to like?”
“Why did you like Marin?”
He looked serious. “She’s beautiful and fun . . .”
“She’s really beautiful. Crazy beautiful.”
He nodded. “Crazy beautiful.”
“But you know what? Neither Marin nor I are particularly into saving the world. We wouldn’t even recycle if you didn’t take it to the recycling center for us. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t care about things like recycling pop cans and paper?”
“Recycling isn’t everything.”
“Of course it’s not everything. I’m trying to illustrate a point. You should find a woman who shares your interests.”
“Why are you so sure that you and I have no future together?”
“Jason, the thing about a crush is that it’s not a relationship. You can make up whatever you want about what a relationship with someone would be like, but fictional relationships are a hell of a lot easier than real ones. When Scott and I got together, I realized how different you and I really are. Yes, we’re the responsible ones in the house, but I’m ambitious about my career; you’re ambitious about your belief you can actually make the world a better place. Frankly, Jason, sometimes I find your optimism exhausting. And if I find your optimism tiring, can you imagine Marin?”
“Marin’s not really the Peace Corps type, that’s true, but . . .” He stopped, not knowing how to finish his sentence.
“It’s just been hard on you, having this reality check that you and Marin aren’t right for each other. It hurts, I know it does.”
He took a sip of his wine. He set the glass down. He ran his fingers across his stubbled chin. He nodded. “It does hurt. I really used to be able to see the two of us together. I just had this picture of my life.”
“Marin would have certainly helped make that a pretty picture.”
“Are you saying I’m shallow?”
“We all like beautiful things, Jase. I’m just saying you were thinking about this fantasy picture, not how things would be in real life. You have to find somebody
who values the same things you do.”
“That means I’ll have to date.”
“Yes it does. But you’re getting some practice right now. This very minute. How’s it going for you? Are the sparks flying, your heart racing?”
He shook his head. “Not really.”
“Yeah. Me neither.”
“I should probably go home and apologize to Scott.”
“I think that’s a very good idea.”
“We might as well have a nice dinner though, since we’re here.”
“You’re buying, so by all means, a nice dinner it is.”
Ana and Jason got home an hour and a half later. Ana promptly ran up to her room, changed into her PJs, and curled up in the fetal position on her bed. She waited for the tears to come, but she felt confused and angry more than sad.
After several minutes, she heard a light rapping on the door. It was Scott. He came in and lay next to her.
“I’m sorry about how I acted earlier. I kind of flipped out about the kiss.”
“Yeah, you sort of did.”
“I acted like a jerk.”
“Yeah, you sort of did.”
“I’m sorry. I was surprised. It freaked me out. How did things go?”
“We talked. I think he’ll get a grip on Marin and Jay eventually.” She studied Scott. “You know what your problem is? You always try to make everyone happy.”
“That’s bad?”
“It’s bad when you can’t make a distinction between who’s right and who’s wrong. Relationships take work, Scott. They’ll run into rough patches and you can’t just joke around indefinitely and hope they’ll go away.”
“So what am I supposed to do?”
“When we have problems we have to talk about them.”
“You are such a girl.”
She couldn’t help it, she laughed. “You are such a boy. But you need to be the kind of boy who’ll kick the butt of another boy who makes the moves on me.”
“I promise. The next guy who smooches you who’s not me will get the stuffing kicked out of him.”
“Excellent.”
