by Kate Wendley
Who was he kidding? Sonya tried to push him away a dozen times in the beginning. She’d had a wall up for so many years, it took a lot of time and patience to finally win her over.
He needed to be patient with Harmony, too. He couldn’t force her to stay, and he wouldn’t go out of his way to convince her why she should. She needed to want it for her own reasons or he’d never feel like what they had between them was real.
**
Harmony felt like dirt as she grabbed her jacket and keys and turned to leave with Ethan standing way too close. He reached out with trembling hands and quietly said, “I’m trying, Harmony.”
Her face felt hot as she looked into his troubled eyes. It was hard to get her words out, but she managed to say, “I’m just going out for some air… and some space. I’ll be back in a couple hours.”
He pulled her in for a tight hug and whispered in her ear, “Please come back afterwards, even if just to tell me off.”
Feeling completely confused about what she really wanted, she reluctantly chuckled. “Ok.”
She walked out the door feeling like she was stabbing him in the back, and that made her mad. Why should she feel guilty that he couldn’t get things straight in his head? She stubbornly thought this was all his fault, not hers. Except for Samson suddenly beckoning her. She had no idea why he was calling her back so soon and didn’t want to think about it right now.
She felt more like herself once she was behind the wheel of her baby again. She took off out of the parking lot faster than was necessary, peeling out as she focused on the road ahead of her. She cranked the radio and sped off towards Road Atlanta, anxious to finally get a good look at the world class racing facility.
She glared at the road and cars around her as she drove. She swore she wasn’t ignoring her problems, she was just taking a break from them. And if she stayed in Atlanta, she might even join one of the car clubs at the racetrack. Sounded like a great way to blow off some steam when she needed to.
Thinking about possibly leaving made her heart ache, though, and she wanted to turn around right now and take Ethan in her arms and never let him go. But she didn’t like feeling so addicted to him. She was an independent girl and had never gotten all gooey eyed and frantic over some guy, and especially not a guy who constantly had another woman on his mind.
Ethan wasn’t just some guy, though. He was a powerful Master who was sexy as hell, fun to hang around with when he wasn’t so distracted, and went out of his way to look after the people he cared about.
But that’s what was so confusing. On the surface he could come across like an overconfident, demanding, egotistical jerk, but that was so far from the truth of who he was. It was almost as if he used that as a cover to turn people off so they wouldn’t notice that he actually paid attention to their needs.
Like this thing with Nala. Now that she thought about it, his intense reaction to finding out something dangerous might be inside her made Harmony feel like crap. He cared deeply about Nala and didn’t want to see her hurt. He didn’t want any of his friends to be hurt, and even made sure his family left Anthony and Isaiah alone, too.
But where did Harmony fit into all that? With Ethan spreading his time and energy around to all these people, well, she knew he cared for her. Hell, she even believed he loved her. She just didn’t feel special to him.
She sighed and kept driving, even though the urge to turn around and go back never went away. In fact it got stronger the further away from Ethan she got. She tried to ignore that distressing thought and reminded herself she’d spent her entire vampire lifetime feeling like she was searching for something she could never quite get a grasp on. She could deal with that for another night.
But being here in Atlanta, and in Ethan’s arms, she didn’t feel anxious to move on and keep searching for that ever elusive feeling of peace and home anymore. She actually felt pretty damn calm here and it made tears sting at her eyes. Usually by now she’d have a gut feeling that she hadn’t found what she was looking for, but here in Atlanta, and especially with Ethan, the restless stirrings in her soul felt different in every possible way.
She’d lived with her anxious, unsettled feelings for so long that she’d molded her life around finding ways to appease them. Like hanging out tutoring college kids who were notorious for being crazy and never sitting still for longer than a few minutes. They distracted her from her own feelings of restlessness. Being calm and in control was way better, even if Ethan was a little crazy. How long before he got it under control, though? And what if he never did?
Her eyes went wide as she turned down the exit to Road Atlanta. When she finally made it to the parking lot, her heart fluttered at all the different makes and models of sports cars with their hoods propped open and people milling around as they admired the awesome machines. And these weren’t even the cars that would be racing.
A shuttle waited a few aisles down to take people to the entrance of the track, and she was so excited by everything, she found herself wishing Ethan was here with her. She sighed at that random thought and pulled in between two empty spots to give her car plenty of room. She parked under the attention of many admiring eyes, then spent the next couple hours gawking at cars while getting lost in conversations with complete strangers.
**
Ethan watched the clock and tried to distract himself. Harmony said she’d only be gone a couple hours. He could handle that. He was sure he could.
He groaned out loud. Any time she was out of sight it felt like a piece of him had been ripped away, and it worried him that she made him so anxious. He was confident in his love for her, but how had she gotten so far under his skin? He’d barely known her a couple days before it felt like he’d die if anything happened to her. It made him wonder if he really was going crazy. Meeting a random woman shouldn’t make him feel like his life would end if she left him barely two weeks after they’d first met.
She was some woman, though. Sexy as hell, smart, feisty, and she knew what she liked and what she wanted. Every new thing he learned about her was exhilarating.
He needed to get a grip on himself. It wasn’t fair to Harmony for him to be so crazy, and it wasn’t fair to her for him to be constantly thinking of the good times he’d had with Sonya. Why those memories even popped back up in his mind with such a vengeance was worrying enough, but to keep confusing Harmony for Sonya was downright mean and he knew it.
He tried to forget about his love life problems for a while and do some work instead. Maybe that’s what the problem really was… too much focus on Harmony and Sonya both. He took a look at the financials Christopher sent through email and tried to lose himself in numbers instead of going out of his mind wondering when Harmony would be back.
The minutes ticked slowly by…
**
Harmony felt horrible when she realized she’d been gone over three hours. She told her new friends goodbye, totally amped up after seeing the racetrack through a private tour she’d somehow talked them into. Their complete agreement to almost anything she asked for was no doubt because she was still getting the hang of her increased vampire power of persuasion. Ethan’s blood was incredibly powerful and she needed to be careful with her newly heightened abilities.
Traffic was heavy tonight and she kept looking at the time as she drove. Now that she wasn’t surrounded by cars and engines and tires and racetracks, her mind was suddenly overflowing with thoughts of Ethan and an urgent need to get back to him. She had to force herself to keep her car to a reasonable speed because the last thing she wanted was to get pulled over by the cops. With how crazy she felt right now, she was just sure she’d accidentally wipe their minds with her new power.
She pulled into the parking lot at Wild Woods and felt bad to see she’d now been gone almost four hours. She quickly locked up and went inside, startled, but not surprised, to see Ethan standing just inside the door waiting for her.
They flew into each other’s arms and frantically kissed. The
y stumbled into the bedroom and couldn’t get each other’s clothes off fast enough. Once those distractions were out of the way, she pulled him in for an anxious bite. Whimpers and excited gasps escaped them both as they made wild love, feeling like they hadn’t seen each other for an eternity.
**
In between bloody bites, a few tears, and hands touching every sexy spot imaginable, Ethan said, “I love you Harmony. Please don’t go. Please.”
She whimpered as her body rocked feverishly against his. “I can’t take this anymore Ethan. I want you to myself. I don’t want to keep sharing you with someone else.”
He pressed her mouth towards his neck, urging her to bite him again. She immediately obliged and a sharp desire tore through him. He gasped and shook in orgasmic pleasure, then shakily said, “I want you to myself. I only want you. I’m trying, my love. I’m trying.”
She released him from her bite and cried out her own orgasm. When she finally calmed down, and tears started freely flowing, she gazed into his eyes and said, “I love you, Ethan.”
He didn’t like the tone of finality in her voice, like this might be one of the last times she’d say those words to him. He held her tenderly in his arms, hoping it wasn’t true. “I love you, too, Harmony. I’ll always love you.”
He eventually settled on the bed beside her knowing that nothing had changed between them. She held him possessively as she fell asleep for the day, but she’d still leave and probably wouldn’t come back, and his heart would still be broken.
Chapter 26
Ethan opened his eyes, the sun’s pull on him weakening as it set for the night. He felt that same rush of anxious paranoia as he had for weeks now right after waking. He’d been getting better at calming down from it, though, and the panic attack quickly subsided.
Harmony was still snuggled into him while she slept with her cheek on his chest and her arm wrapped around him. He kissed the top of her head, then took this time to tell her everything that’d been on his mind that he felt too embarrassed or ashamed to tell her to her face.
He caressed her bare shoulder as he quietly spoke. “I love you Harmony, and I don’t want you to leave. It makes me crazy to think of you going away, driving all the way across the country to give yourself over to a man you don’t love.” He tensed and had to take a moment to calm his jealousy and anger.
He sighed and went on. “The doctor wonders if I’m projecting Sonya onto you, if I’m just trying to make you into her, but I don’t believe that. I don’t know what you think of that, but I want you to know that when you and I are together, when you and I are doing things, whatever it is we’re doing, it’s only you I see. When you’re in my arms, when we’re loving each other, it’s just you in my head, not Sonya.”
He took a deep breath, then said to the ceiling, “But she is in my mind. Not her, really, but memories of times together. It’s the feeling of being with her. I feel the same things with you that I felt with her, and it makes me confused when these vivid memories suddenly pop up, and then words spill out of my mouth before I have a chance to stop them. By then I’ve already hurt your feelings and I hate myself for doing that.”
He fought back the sting of tears, and when he was calm enough again, he looked down at the top of her head. “I want things to work between you and me. I want to purge this craziness from my head, whether you believe that or not. I love Sonya, yes, but I know she’s gone and I’m ready to let her go. I don’t know how to make these memories and thoughts stop, though. I want them to. If I had the choice, I’d have someone clear them all out my head just so I could keep you. I love you that much.”
He hugged her tightly, then said with less oomph, “But I won’t force you to stay against your will. That wouldn’t be the woman I fell in love with, anyway. And even though it makes me mad, and sad, and jealous, I understand why you want to leave.”
He said in resignation, “I understand because if I were you, I’d leave, too. What I’m putting you through is bullshit and I know it, and if I could stop it, I would. I’m trying to stop it. The therapist, well, our conversation was interesting, but it doesn’t feel like anything changed for me by talking to him. It’s frustrating and it’s the reason I’m not very excited to go to more appointments.”
He much more quietly said, “But I will keep going, whether you’re here or not, because I can’t keep living like this. Dr. Verlander wants me to go to a support group, too. He wants me to hear other people’s stories about surviving a traumatic event.
He trembled now. “He thinks it will help me get over the guilt I feel for not being the one that died that night. I feel guilty every night just for being alive, and I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I want to enjoy every minute of every night, and especially while you’re in my life.”
He huffed in tired frustration, then shifted his attention to Harmony as she started to wake. He felt like every single moment with her might be his last and it made his heart feel torn apart.
She stretched her beautiful body, then lovingly wrapped herself around him as she gazed into his eyes.
He fought back tears as he watched her. “Good evening kitten.”
She looked full of emotion as she stroked his cheek. “Hi honey.”
He hoarsely whispered, “Don’t leave, Harmony. Stay with me.”
“Ethan…”
He quickly pleaded, “Will you at least stay until this thing with Nala is done?”
She shakily said, “Ok.”
Her eyes filled with tears when he said, “I love you kitten.”
“I love you, too.”
She kissed him and it quickly turned into frantic love making as tears flowed from them both.
**
Harmony was confused beyond belief as she got ready for the night by herself. She’d woken tonight to Samson’s relentless tugging on his link to her… and Ethan talking to himself. Except he wasn’t exactly talking to himself, he’d been talking to her. He just obviously hadn’t meant for her to hear any of it. She’d lain as still as she could while she listened and fought back tears at his words. It was the first time she’d heard him be so honest and open about what was on his mind, and it made her confused all over again.
Last night she’d come to the decision that Samson’s mysteriously early beckoning was a godsend. It gave her an excuse to get some space for a little while and let Ethan figure out who he actually wanted. But tonight she felt like a hypocrite and a fake for not wanting to stick it out while he worked through it all, especially since she’d once told him she’d be there while he did.
And she felt like she was taking the easy road out by not letting him break her Maker’s link to her. If she let him, though, and things didn’t work out between them, well, that would be pure torture to have to answer to him as her Master for the rest of her life.
She joined Ethan in the living room feeling like she was chickening out and latching onto any excuse to run away when she wasn’t even sure she wanted to. And they only had three more nights together before the spirit birthing ceremony, or whatever they were calling it. She was torn between wanting Ethan all to herself, yet also feeling like she should start to distance herself emotionally from him. It she didn’t, it was going to be the worst kind of torture when it was time to leave. Even so, when Ethan insisted on them spending some time with Seth and Nala because he didn’t know what would happen to Nala after all this, she was disappointed she couldn’t have him to herself. She let the subject drop because that was their problem after all. She wasn’t the most important thing in his life.
The rest of their final nights together were spent making mad love when they first woke, then again before going to sleep for the day. And in between that, Ethan doted on her every waking moment. He took her to his favorite scenic spots all over Atlanta and surprisingly spent hours just talking to her. He opened up to her like never before, including telling her everything he wanted to do in life in the coming years.
He said he liked to spend
time with the shifters in the family, the shifters all having such different and varied lives, and he kept himself versed in the modern world by going with on their adventures. He said it kept him feeling young and he intended to do more of that. He wanted to be sure he was on top of what was going on in the world and not turn into one of those secluded Masters that eventually went crazy pining for the old days.
He made her laugh as he recalled some of his more recent adventures with Cory and the others at Wild Woods. They’d drug him to concerts, rock climbing walls, crazy Halloween parties… everything a young, thirty something wolf might do, Ethan threw himself into. Mostly. He admitted he didn’t get as crazy as some of them, but just being around their youthful energy kept him feeling alive after so many years.
He’d also started thinking about a bucket list. Vampires were immortal, but he’d spent so many years stuck in a loop of anger and rage as he waited for Isaiah to return, that now that Isaiah was here, Ethan realized he’d put his actual life on hold. He didn’t have solid ideas yet for his bucket list, but that’s what was on his mind… especially since he’d have lots of free time on his hands and no one special to share it with.
His tone when he said that last part was so calm and matter of fact that it made her heart hurt. He sounded like he’d made peace with the fact she was leaving even though she was completely torn up about it. His expression went solemn after that, though, and they ended up driving home in silence as he gently squeezed her hand and told her he loved her and that he’d always love her.
Once they dropped into bed for the day, he gave her a chaste kiss that quickly turned intense. When he finally released her from his embrace, he said in a heartfelt voice, “I love you, Harmony.”
He started to look misty eyed and she found herself getting sucked up into the emotion of it all again. “I love you, too, Ethan.”
He hugged her to himself, squeezing her as if his life depended on it. She closed her eyes and just breathed him in.
